Not Enough, I'm Never Enough

The sky has been tearing endlessly ever since late morning, sending electrifying flashes of lightning and terrifying thunderblasts every once in a while. It's so annoying to watch high-schoolers jumping under their desks and grasping onto each other tight, when it's just a fucking rainstorm that happens just about all the time. I may be an intimidated loser, but I don't sink as low in terms of maturity as this.

I can tell the teachers were irritated as well, rolling their eyes at instances and sometimes tapping their feet impatiently as they wait for the commotion to stop. Their lessons drag by at a snail's pace, absolutely refusing to get into my head, until I cannot stand it any longer. It's Biology right now, and I've begun nonchalantly tracing the sketchings of the different kinds of flowers given to us by the teacher. Thinking about my past, present and future. I honestly cannot be be bothered with the morning glory's adaptations right now-my future's more important.

Now that I'm in an actual classroom with a formal setting, I'm able to think more clearly. I frown as I try to recall the events that have occurred thus far, and make a long mental list. So, I've been expelled six times already. Check. This is my seventh school. Check. Everyone does not seem to like me. Check. I struggle with substance abuse. Check. I slit my wrists twice a day. Check. I am openly gay. Check. I wear eyeliner, which is not normal for males. Check. My parents practically disown me. Check. I make Mikey worried. Check.

Mikey. Just the very thought of him squeezes my gut in an excruciatingly painful way, like a permanent reminder that I'm doing something really wrong. And I am. How can I be burdening my poor, sweet, innocent and caring little brother with all of my petty school and social problems? I certainly don't deserve his sympathy. But he never stops showering his love on me, which makes me a feel a whole lot worse on a new level. My head starts to ache, and I have a feeling that I'm going to black out.

Three seconds. I press the sides of my forehead, massaging my temples and trying to steady my breath. I don't even realise my pulse is going on 180 until the gasps begin. All around me, dirty yellow scabs start swimming in my vision, and threatening with great force to pull me to the ground. Desperately attempting to calm myself down, I mutter, "Come on, Gerard, come on, Gerard."

"Mr. Way," a gritty voice booms, my brain partly processing it as an underwater wave splash. "Would you mind telling me what you are doing over there?"

What the hell. Can't he see that I'm not feeling well? Asshole.

"Uhm, uh, Mr. Moss," I stammer, his name forgotten momentarily, "I feel like I'm gonna faint. May I please go to the nurse' office?" I think I sound like I'm pleading, begging for mercy, but I don't care. I feel like I'm gonna throw up any moment.

From what I can make out right now, everyone has turned their gazes on me and I can feel the inner pressure rising within. I always feel uncomfortable whenever someone stares at me, as if they're invading a privacy I don't even get to have in the first place.

I think Mr. Moss looks concerned, because he immediately replies in a much gentler tone, "Okay. We'll have someone to help you to the nurse. How about you, Jerry." He nods to a boy seated in the first row, who stands up and walks over to me, who's sitting in the back.

"Let's go," he tells me, grabbing my arm and hauling me out the classroom. I let out an audible high-pitched squeak of surprise, causing everyone around me to chuckle. Oh, great. Way to make my first impression.

As we turn round the bend that leads into the hallways, I collapse without prior notice. The guy, Jerry, hums with a start and wraps my arm around his neck. We're in an awkwardly close position right now, with our hips rubbing against each others' as we stagger slowly, and it's taking every ounce of control in me not to gush. I don't want the kids in this school to know I'm gay yet.

We're enveloped by a warm, comfortable silence for a few minutes, during which I allow myself to be carried away in my own thoughts again. For instance, why I had a panic attack because of Mikey. So far, nothing gone wrong with him, and he's alright and happy as always. In fact, I think he even has a girlfriend now, judging by the midnight phone calls he's started to make recently. He is contented with his life.

I know he probably isn't that much affected by me, just a slight tinge of worry, but I still feel bad. An older sibling should never be as whiny and unsupportive as me. They should never be someone who only bothers to rant about their own predicaments but never seems to look out for the other person. I feel so selfish and heartless for being the person I am to Mikey, and will always feel this way.

Just as I let out an involuntary sigh, Jerry breaks the silence. "Hey, man," he says.

"Yeah?" I reply. I'm curious as to what he might say. No one talks to me all that much.

"You goin' for the party tonight? The head co always organises cool stuff at his place. His parents are almost always away, and he doesn't have siblings to worry about. This time, I heard there are gonna be new collections of champagne," he says in an excited voice. I blink at him, unaware of what he's talking about.

"Um, sorry?"

"The Head Councillor, man. Frank Iero. He always has these totally awesome house parties where he invites all of his friends and stuff. It's tonight."

Oh. Images of Frank Iero smiling, waving at me, passing me my timetable and striding away vividly flash in my head, flickering constantly and worsening my headache. I recall his cute side smirk, the small nose ring that hugs his nostril, the cute lip ring, his glossy and stylish jet black hair and the pale, papery white skin that stretches across his face, making him look like Snow White. His eyes are of a light hazel, wondrous, mesmerising and seem to stare right into your soul. Yes, I think. He's a pretty hot figure alright.

Then I immediately feel slightly guilty. There's no way I should be thinking this, even though I am gay. He has a girlfriend, for fuck's sake, and I'm decent enough to not steal people for my own joy. I'm pretty much used to giving, I guess.

"Oh...Oh," is all I can say, my nausea suddenly replaced by a slight nerve-jangling sensation. However, another thought occurs to me a second later. "Is he...like your friend?"

Jerry bursts out laughing. "Ha! I wish. No, it's pretty hard to befriend populars, you know? But I do have a friend who's a friend of a friend of an acquaintance of his, and I figured that that's still a decent relation. Oh, well," he shrugs, lapsing into silence again.

It's Frank. Frank Iero. The beautiful councillor who smiled at me today, welcoming me into his school. And he's having a party. With lots of alcohol. The constant aching in my heart that has been going on for years has disappeared without a trace, and now I feel a joyful sensation spreading through my veins. Oh boy, what's happening to me?! Since when have I started actually feeling happy?

"Jerry," I blurt out wthout thinking, my palms beginning to sweat, "will you count me in your relation thing? You know, to go to that party?"

Notes

I'm actually excited about the chapters that are to come! I assure you that they will be filled with lots of lovely surprises, jokes and fluff :) Lots and lots of fluff!

Thank you for reading! The third chapter will be posted on Friday.

Yours in eternal sleepiness,
Static Nightmare