It's Not a Fashion Statement

After we finished lunch we made our way back to Gerard’s studio. Even though I have only eaten a salad and a slice of bread today, I feel bloated. Maybe it's from the pint of coke I drank. I’m hoping he isn’t going to make me do a shoot too revealing, because I feel pretty gross. Going from not eating anything for a few days to then having actual meals throughout the day makes it seem like I’m putting on so much weight. I know I’m not fat, but I feel I will be soon.

I like my body, at the moment anyway. It’s not too big, nor too thin. You’d think being homeless for a few months I’d have lost a lot of weight, which I guess I lost a bit, but I’m no where near to being skinny. Plus, I have a bit of muscle; I used to exercise a lot before I was kicked out of college.

It was during middle school when I became friends with all the hard kids. I liked the attention I started to receive from girls (before I realised I was bent like a fucking rainbow), and being the scrawny little midget I was, decided I wanted to be the popular kid everyone looked up to. I used to go to the gym, play soccer, football. I thought I liked it. High school, then I was finally that number one kid everyone wanted to be like. It felt good, I guess. Until my ‘friends’ started beating people up and I got fails in nearly every class. And then of course my parents got pissed because I wasn’t another star academic student for them to shofar around and display for their own attention.

I gave up on the jock dick sticks and decided to be myself again, that’s when I got back into music. I was also expecting my grades to go back up, but when I started writing my own songs there was no time for ‘stupid school work’. I was starting to regret every choice I had ever made from middle school, but now I’m living a dream that I couldn’t even imagine happening.

Even though I’m living in this dream, it's all got to end at some point, and I know that. He’ll get a new model soon. He’ll get tired of having to look after me. Yes, he shows he cares, but everyone gives up caring eventually. Don’t they? You’ve got to wake up from your dream at some point. As they say, easy come, easy go. What you work a lifetime for will last a lifetime. And what have I done to earn this luxury? Sit on a cold street for a few months. Yes, I know it’s not ideal, but it could be worse. It’s not like I worked hard to make a change in someone else’s life, I just tried hard keeping myself alive. But that’s never enough and I know that. Unless you’re a sour spot manipulative mastermind, until you make a difference in someone else’s life, doing something for yourself never fucking matters.

I kept my thoughts flowing, until I was shaken out of my trance.
God, I don’t even make sense.

“Fuck sake frank, listen to me you idiot-“
Gerard shouted from across the room. I could tell by his tone he was pissed off, never mind the line of dialog and the curse words that followed.
I felt my face heat up, not because he had upset me, but because I’m an embarrassment. I can’t even listen to simple instructions from my own boss without being a useless dick knob.

His face suddenly turned soft and sorrowful. I guess he felt bad. He shouldn’t, it’s my fault.
“I’m sorry…I –“
“No, it's okay. I should’ve been listening,”
I gave him a weak smile in return to his pitiful one.

He soon continued,
“So anyway, as I was saying. What you mentioned earlier, about female clothes, I’ve decided I’m not going to adjust this outfit. Only if you're comfortable, though-“
He pulled out a pair of black leather hot pants and another black shirt. Only this shirt the back was a chiffon material. I’ll happily wear it, but no promises I’m going to look anything decent.

“Yeah, sure.”
I took the items and hid behind the velvet curtain once again. I pulled my shirt up over my head and dropped it on the ground, only to reveal my pale, tight stretched skin. I felt a growl in my stomach and a sudden sickness in my throat. I knew I wasn’t actually going to be sick, it’s just that feeling. I stare into my reflection, loathing the slight bump on my stomach. I sound like a pregnant teen complaining about her early signs. Only I don’t have a premature child bursting open my insides.

I try to ignore it, buttoning up the shirt and pulling the booty shorts up. From the waist down, I look good (Thank god I shaved my legs in the shower yesterday). But I still feel so uncomfortable with the slight bridge over my stomach.

I notice there’s also some stockings and boots that have been slid under the curtain. I put them on, and to my surprise, man, I can pull these off.
They shape nicely around my calves and thighs, making my legs look longer than they actually are. I tie the laces up on the boots that in fact match really well. The only issue is, my fucking gross ass stomach.

I stare back at the unwelcome reflection, when I notice Gerard peering around the curtain.
“Frankie?”
I snap my head around, instantly wanting to cover myself up.

“What’s up? You know if you’re not comfortable with it, I can alter it-“
“No… it’s not that. I just… it doesn’t matter.“ I sigh and hang my head. I should just get on with the task at hand rather than giving my own sorry ass sympathy.
“Yes, it does. You’re not confident with how you look right now. I’m not going to push it, I understand-“

Why should he understand? I’m just being a pathetic whiny bitch. I bet he spent weeks planning this one outfit and I can’t even bring myself to look up from the floor. I’m just being ignorant now.

I was just about to exit the dressing room, when I felt two strong arms wrapped around me, holding me back. I didn’t even bother trying to restrain, and fell into his strong grip. I bowed my head in the crook of his neck, inhaling a sweet smell. I felt so warm for a moment. Cared about again. I don’t even know why he cares.

“What is there not to be confident about?” he looked down at me through his sparkling hazel eyes. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t treat all his staff like this.
He unwrapped his arms from around me, and turned me to face the large glass mirror. He rested his hands on my shoulders and pushed me a step closer to the mirror.
“What flaws do you see?”
I thought about it. I guess there are quite a few things about my appearance that I’m not exactly fond of, but I’m not going to name them all.
“My stomach. My shoulders, I guess. I don’t like my posture. My nose is weird. My skin.” I decided to stop there, even though there’s probably still quite a few things I could go on to talk about.

“But you look gorgeous. Even if I had to, I wouldn’t be able to name a single flaw. You will always be your harshest critic Frankie. I know what it's like. I look in the mirror every day, so bored of staring back at the same reflection. I could pick out my own flaws too, in fact, there’s too many to name-“

“But your perfect!”

“Exactly. Yes, in your eyes maybe. I could say the exact it for you, and every other person in the world. Everyone has flaws, but it’s only ourselves that take the time to pick them all out.”

I thought about it for a moment. He’s right.

“How are you so good with words and every other feat humanly possible to acquire?” he chuckled under his breath, and smiled wide.
“You know that’s not true. I just had years of convincing myself the same thing.”

Gerard knows how to make people feel good, he always knows what to say, what to do in situations.

-
After the shoot, it was pretty dark, we had spent a good few hours in there. Gerard kept throwing jokes out and I couldn’t help but laugh, so the majority of the photos are of me trying to keep a stern face but failing miserably.

I waited at the reception for Gerard, changed back into the original suit. Gerard said that any clothes I was modelling couldn’t be seen outside the studio unless it was in an advertisement until they are officially released. Which makes sense.

The lift door opened and an angry looking Gerard exited shouting something at another man. I swear I recognise him…oh yeah. He was the man that found me in the first place.

“Andy, would you fuck off?”

“What so you can babysit your little princess?”

“Andrew I said shut the fuck up you ignorant twat,”

“Me ignorant? You’ve treated pretty much all your staff like shit for years and as soon as you lay your eyes on that soft spot you invite him to your fucking home? We work our fucking arses off and all he does is cry at his own pretty little reflection for your attention and of course it works!”

“So, that’s what I pay my staff for. Not to take them home and pet them,”

“Yeah, instead you’re paying to fuck his pretty little ass. He isn’t even working,”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. His photos are the best I’ve ever fucking taken. And HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE HIM OF PROSTITUTION, You know I actually fucking care about him, there’s more to life than fucking sex ”

“God don’t try to deny it. You’re a fucking dick head Gerard. Everyone can see the lust in your eyes that you want to ram yours into him and shove it down his throat”

“Your fucking disgusting Andrew. You know what, go shove your hand up your fucking arse hole and jiggle it about like your a fucking Christmas turkey. You’re fired. Have a nice day.”

“Gerard you’ll have moved on from frank and then what are you gonna fucking do without me?”

“Celebrate. Now get out of my building before I physically kick you out. Plus, I never want frank to leave.”

“Better keep watch on those pills then. We wouldn’t want him killing himself again-“

“GET THE FUCK OUT YOU SHIT FILLED ARSE WIPE.”

The other man slammed the glass doors shut so hard I’m surprised the reinforced glass didn’t shatter. I know what they were talking about. I feel so guilty that I’ve caused this. And fucking uncomfortable to be talked about in that way, I haven’t even kissed by any one, never mind that. I curled by self up, letting the tears spill over my eyes. I hate crying. But this was probably the most insulting thing ever said about me. Everyone thinks I’m just a whore? What a nice reputation.

“Frankie, oh my god I’m so sorry you had to hear that-“ he threw his arms around me once again. I muttered that it’s okay. I don’t think he heard though.
“Let’s get back-“
I nodded and jumped up, not wanting to make eye contact. God I’m so embarrassed. I’m just dragging him down all the time. Why does he even care? Does he care, or are they right, am I just for a fuck?

Notes

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