Deep in Thought

Before I met Frank someone asked if I was lonely yet, as I spend almost every day without talking or interacting with anyone. My initial reaction was no, no I’m not lonely, I like being left alone with my thoughts and work. And in truth, I’m not alone all the time, mum comes home in the evenings and eats dinner with me before heading off to bed. I am not alone by any means, I could reach out to my old friends, or people I knew if I truly wanted to. I’m not alone, but does that truly mean I’m not lonely? I thought that being lonely meant you had no one around you, no one to interact with, but I was wrong. The question has eaten away at me as I’ve spent more and more time with Frank. Am I lonely? Is loneliness attributed to not being around people, or is it something more? Is it something deeper? Is it that being lonely, means that you don’t connect with people. Sure, you have a person who offers you company of sitting and eating a meal with you, but are they really there?

I realized as I sat and ate dinner with mum last week, that maybe I truly was lonely. The rehearsed talk, and the mental comfort of having someone to eat with, is just a disguise. It’s a way to make myself feel better. It’s the way to cover up my problems.

It’s a way to reassure myself that I’m not lonely, but being alone lets you stew over a meaningless question, such as the one I was asked.

Maybe, I am lonely? I don’t connect with anyone, I never share how I feel. I don’t even touch anyone. I haven’t had normal human contact in months, but I don’t yearn to be touched, or even embraced. I don’t usually yearn to be understood, but there are days that I sit and try and work, and this awful feeling creeps into my chest that I don’t understand; a dull ache, that pounds along with my heart. On those days I want someone’s arms to wrap around me. I want someone to hold me and understand why I feel the way I do.

I could always ask mum to hug me, but I want it to be out of their own volition. I want to feel someone else's emotions when I’m pressed against them. I guess, in a sense, I want them to care. I want them to know what I’m feeling. I want them to understand, that yes I like being alone, but sometimes I need someone to actually show me humanity. I want them to know who I am, and how I feel and why I want what I want. I yearn for someone to know me better than I know myself.

I am lonely, but not in a way that one would expect. I’m lonely in the sense that I’m missing someone who I can tell everything. I missing someone who can validate how I’m feeling. And how do you find someone who can actually do that.

For years, I went to class and had a few people to laugh with. I had people that’d go to the movies with me, and eat out with me. I didn’t have someone who listened to how I felt. I didn’t have someone who wanted to sit and listen to how I feel.

I always considered going to a therapist, and spilling my guts to them, but how would that really change that I am lonely; that I’d been lonely for years. I could sit and tell them, that I have days where my head is too scattered to even do work. I could sit and tell them that somedays I didn’t feel anything, that I was numb to the world. That I was so desperate to be understood that I tried to tell someone who raised me, that I wasn’t really happy, and they didn’t get it. But what use would that do? I couldn’t connect with someone that I was paying to listen to me.

I wanted a connection, I wanted them to care because they chose too, not because my insurance was paying them too.

I had cats to keep me company, but what good did they do me. They didn’t help the lump in my throat disappear, or alleviate the pain in my chest. Talking to an animal, telling them how somedays I was a happy-go-lucky person, then the next I couldn’t even remember what I was doing; It didn’t help. No, they made feel crazy as if I was loosing my marbles faster than I knew I already was.

I came to the conclusion, after days of pondering, and finally tasting what life was that I truly was lonely. But I was the one that, put myself here. I always isolated myself. I never opened up to anyone, and I made the decision to take myself away from the world, and lock myself away in my house. Maybe, I always knew I was crazy, and keeping myself from everybody was my way of preventing anyone from seeing me deteriorate. Maybe, I just liked the consistency of feeling alone. Or maybe, I didn’t want to find someone that cared, just to lose them.

I wasn’t going to give up on Frank, and lock myself away from him. I wanted to connect with him, and I think we had begun too. If I lose Frank it will be for a god damn good reason, like I die, or I can’t remember him.

That's how I ended up telling him: “I want to go home with you.”

“Gee baby, you can’t” He protested.

“Do you not want me?”

“I want you, but princess, you’ll get in trouble.”

“I don’t care, I don’t want this night to end. I’ll take the beating, I just, Frank please?” He relented, frowning and slinging an arm over my shoulder as we walked to the car.

“Thank you Frank, thank you for tonight, and all you’ve done for me.”

*

“What did you mean about your handwriting?”

“You remember me saying that?”

“Well, ya”

“hmm, I guess the easy way to explain it is I think of my handwriting as my thoughts. If my thoughts are clear, and not going a mile a minute, my handwritings neat. But, if I’m having an off kind of day, and my thoughts are everywhere so my handwriting. Does that make any sense?”

“Kinda, ya.” He paused to muse the idea a bit more. “It's like a projection of your feelings in a way.”

“Exactly! So I'm not totally a loon.”

“You’re not crazy Gee.” I snorted in disbelief.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you about how sometimes you like, black out in a way? You get this blank look on your face, and I know you’re not with me anymore, mentally. Do you, okay cliche much, but do you go to your happy place?”

“Happy place? I wouldn’t call it that. I’ve never really been truly happy. I think a lot, and I get lost in it. It’s a defensive mechanism, of sorts. I started doing it when I was a kid, when they first started, you know..”

“Beating you?” I nodded

“I didn’t want to believe it so I’d think about things. Soon enough I got good at just thinking and blocking out what was happening. I’d think about why they did it to me, or of a future I’d like. Sometimes I don’t realize I do it.”

“When we first met, you were just standing there glaring at the door.”

“Ha ya, I had almost gotten hit by it. You took me away from it.”

“That I did.”

“Frank, I think I’m getting worse.”

“Gee are-”

“I’m not going to kill myself if that’s what you're going to ask.” I snapped

“I wasn't going to say that” He mumbled.

“Sure,” “I’m getting worse Frank as I think I’m going to lose it soon. I keep forgetting things, small things, things you shouldn’t forget. You tell me something, and it’s gone in a snap. And those little black out things I have, I seemed to be having them more.”

“Didn’t you say that you did them?”

“I did. I use to. But it seems that now they just happen now.”

“Gee, don’t worry about it, Okay?”

“But Frank how can I not?! I know i'm okay! Tonight i finally felt alive, for the first time, things seemed clearer. My head didn’t feel like cotton was stuffed in it, but now it's over I feel it coming back, Frank. i feel the clouds, and I know it can only get worse from here Frank.”

“Gee, I can take you to a doctor.”

“I don’t want a doctor Frank, what can they do? They’ll tell my parents, they’ll give me pills. What good would that do for me? My parents don’t even believe that mental illness exist. If you can’t see it, it’s not there.”

“Gee, if a doctor tells them then-”

“Frank, if there was any possibility of me having them take me to see someone, don’t you think I would have?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to agree with me, I want you to validate how I feel. I want you to tell me it’ll be okay, that I’m not going crazy, even though it won’t be okay, and I am losing it. I want you to listen. You can’t fix me Frank, something big is going to happen, before I can get better.”

“Gee what do you mean by that?”

“I don’t know, but Frank promise me you won’t leave me?”

“I promise baby. I’ll be here for you through thick and thin.”

Notes

Hi

Long time no read??

Sorry for never updating, but hopefully this made up for it (or made it worse???) Lots has happened in the months that have passed, good and bad. Hopefully I will update this again soon. I really have to be in mood to write this, because I want it to be real you know? I want there to be actual emotion behind the words. I want it to be real.

BUT HEY, thank you all for reading!! (and continuing to) Love you all and have a merry holiday!!! xx