Deep in Thought

I hid from the grandparents all day, working on some assignments. They didn’t question me, but my mum called and tried to convince my to come home. She tried to guilt me into coming home saying she was sorry for what Mikey did. She started crying and begging me, it was odd, but I told her as long as Mikey was still around I wouldn’t be and hung up on her.

So the day continued uneventfully, and I took about five showers trying to calm my nerves. I hadn't been on a date in never. Jacob never took me out like this, he often said that he didn't want to be seen with me.

I had to delay my getting dressed so it didn't look like I was going anywhere without their permission, but when I finally snuck out Frank was waiting at the bottom of the driveway.

“So how are you Gerard?” he questioned smiling at me.

“You’d have to check my handwriting.” He glanced at me looking confused, I shrugged, and he let it go, shifting the car into gear and driving down the street.

*
The movie was quite possibly the cheesiest thing ever. Frank and I spent most of the time laughing, at the horrible attempts at the actors trying to be scary zombies. Also the makeup on them was atrocious a five year old could have done better.

“So where we going?” I whined at him as we climbed into his car.

“We are going to a place, where my friend Ray works. We can act like stupid teenagers, and basically annoy Ray. Plus, there aren’t any people there except for a few of Ray’s co workers, so we can do whatever.”

“telll meeee pleasse” I whined again sticking my bottom lip out pouting at him.

“Denny’s, we are going to Denny’s to eat crappy milkshakes and fries, with cheese and jalapenos and basically the weirdest combination of crap you can imagine.” I wrinkled my nose at him, because ew. He laughed out “It’s good trust me.”

“Suree” I patronized him. He just shook his head laughing.

*

“This is perfect Frank really.”

“So you like my suprise?”

“Ha ya I really do. Who would have thought that going to Denny’s at midnight to get milkshakes and weird ass fries would be the perfect post-movie adventure?”

“Someone named Frank. He’s an awesome dude, think you might like him Gerard.” He winked, what a smart ass.

“I probably would,” I looked down stirring the shake in front of me contemplating if I really wanted to talk to him. Explain things, just get everything I’d been holding in, out. “Frank, you know how you said you listen to whatever I had to say.” He nodded. “well I’d like to abuse you for a minute and just talk to someone. Is that okay?”

“Gee,” He smiled at me gently, “You’re not abusing me, I offered you my ears.”

“That’s true, just don't interrupt me okay? I don’t know if I could continue if you did.” He nodded and acted like he was zipping his mouth shut. I half smiled at him, to preoccupied trying to find the right place to start to laugh at his actions.

“I guess,I should start off with the worst, so you know what you're putting up with.” I saw him frown at that, “To put it bluntly, I’ve tried to kill myself twice. First time I was in sixth grade, I was twelve,” I glanced up at him quickly and saw his eyes were huge. I adverted my gaze to my hands that layed on the table. “I don’t remember much about how I felt from it, I just remember feeling a little bit sick, but I didn’t take too much of it to hurt me, at all. My mum didn’t suspect anything, didn’t know I was, you know, trying to off myself. A few days after my failed attempt I ran away from school. Mikey that morning had told me he wished I was dead. I found it kinda funny, ironic really, because so did I. Mikey and I finally agreed on something. But I ran away, and I picked the best day for it, ha, it was raining so bad. Fitting now that I think of it. They found me before it night fell unfortunately, I was blue. Hypothermia apparently. They didn’t try and get me help, they didn’t even think something was wrong with me, they just grounded me, beat me, the usual.” I paused and took a sip of the milkshake. I refused to look at Frank, I didn’t want to see something I didn’t like on his face.

“They watched me like hawks, but see I went to really bad schools. So when I moved up to seventh and eighth grade, I tried a few things out. Kept my head from thinking fun thoughts. Any drugs I could get a hold of, I was using them. They never cared to see. My best friend then was a cocaine dealer” I laughed out bitterly at the memory.

“So I wasted away in seventh and eighth grade, till I got to highschool. My family enrolled me in a high school that was rated number one in the country. I wasn’t too happy about that, I wasn’t smart enough to fit in at that school, But hey I thought maybe I could do this. Maybe I could turn my life around. This was my chance to impress my family. Show them that I could be someone. So I quit all the drugs cold turkey. God, the withdrawals, but I did it I got clean, and I worked my ass off. I made it through my freshman year okay. ALl of my classes where AP. I got mostly A’s and two B’s. I was damn proud of myself, but I showed them the grades and all I got from them was ‘why didn’t you try harder?’ That killed me, I had barely got any sleep, and I studied so god damn hard.” I slammed my hand down, angry and upset. I saw Frank jump slightly out of the corner of my eye.

“Sophomore year, classes are even harder. I started not sleeping, and I started failing. I’d stay after school till seven o’clock getting teachers to help me understand. I didn’t. I started being bullied too. That was fun. It was all because I was stupid. They were all brilliant. THey got it. I didn’t. January of that year Jacob asked me out. I thought it was a cruel joke, but no he-” I paused taking a breath to try and calm down. “-he was generally interested in me, he was nice. He was a breath of fresh air. He was my first boyfriend, but things went south. As they always do. He wanted to do more then just make out. Then he started beating me, just like my family. I was with him for sixish months and I ended it because I was miserable. Everything was so miserable. Junior year came and I couldn’t understand anything. I started drinking any liquor I could get my hands on. I started self harming again after four years. I started taking these pills that made me numb to the world. I stopped eating. I asked my mum and grandparents to let me change schools, they told me not to be stupid. I decided for my own good to change schools in october. They told me i was ruining my life, little did they know how fucked up I already was.”

“So,” I breathed out, “the new school I had applied to told me they didn't want me a week before halloween. I flipped. I wrote my note. And I grabbed two bottles of prescription painkillers and some booze. I said goodnight to my mum, and I went to my room and downed the pills and booze and tried to sleep. My heart, it was beating so fast, I couldn’t sleep. The whole room was spinning and everything seemed so far away. My mum came in at four and woke me up to go to school. If I hadn’t gotten up, I would have died. I know I would have, but I got up and I puked everything up. I spent two days puking. She thought it was food poisoning. I shouldn’t have gotten up.” I let the tears fall, I couldn’t hold them in anymore.

“Frank, I shouldn’t have gotten up” I whispered out. I buried my face in my hands, and sobbed uncontrollably. I shouldn’t have gotten up. If I had just stayed there I would be dead. Everything would be done.

~Frank’s POV~

I didn’t know what to do. I sat staring at Gerard shaking and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t process any of that. How could they not see how destroyed, and broken he was. How could they just blame him and not do anything to help him.

He still wants to die.

Thats the conclusion I came to, that propelled me out of my seat to wrap Gerard in my arms. I had to comfort him, I had to make sure he knew there was someone that cared. He didn’t stiffen when my arms enveloped him, but he instead wrapped himself around me, grabbing my shirt and burying his face into my chest, bawling.

“Listen to me Gee, you got up for a reason. You didn’t die for a reason. You’re still here for a reason. The world isn’t done with Gerard Way. Gee look at me…” He pulled back slightly and looked at me, tears still spilling down his red cheeks. “Gee, the world still needs you. There’s something you’re meant to do, that’s why you got up. That’s why you didn’t pass on.”

“Why can’t the world be fucking done with me?” He sobbed out, his fist hitting my chest in frustration.

“Gee listen, okay? The world isn’t done with you because there are people you need to meet, things you need to do. There are people who are going to need you.” He scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Who’s going to ever need me? Really? Look at me, Frank! The one person who might have needed me decided to kill herself!”

“Gee, look okay, I need you.” He pulled away from me, his lip curled in disgust.

“Fuck you. You're just saying that to get in my pants. You don’t need me for anything more that someplace to put your dick!” He screamed at me. A waiter who was walking out of the kitchen turned around and went back in. Gerard was fuming.

“Gerard, please, I never ask that of you.”

“But you're not denying that you wouldn’t want me for that. Move I’m leaving.” He face went cold.

“Listen, you're absolutely gorgeous, but I wouldn’t hurt you like that. I’m never going to use you Gerard. I’m not going to hurt you. You’re so pure and beautiful, I can’t even fathom how people have hurt you so much. Gee I just, I want you to be okay. I want you to be whole. I want you to be happy, with or without me. If you don’t want me near you just tell me and I won’t bother you. If you want someone to listen, or to hold you when you cry I’ll be there. Just tell me what you want and I’ll do it.” I hoped he believed me. I know it had to be almost impossible to trust someones words, but God he had to try and believe me.

We sat in silence studying each other. Gerard wasn’t expressing anything. His face was like stone. Finally he sighed and he seemed to deflate from his tense stance.

“You mean it?”

“I swear my life on it. Give me one chance to pro-” I was interrupted with his mouth crashing into mine. I was shell shocked, and didn’t realize what he just did till he pulled away. His eyes still puffy and red from crying, but there was a hint of happiness in his rich and innocent hazel eyes.

“I believe it, or I want to believe you,” he started. “I mean you didn’t run out the door when I explained most of it. So that means something.” He smiled his crooked grin at me. “Means alot.” He finished.

His hands were on either side of my face as he pulled me in for another kiss. This time I was ready, and I moved with him, deepening the kiss.

“Um, hi uh,” We pulled apart from each other, blushing like crazy as we realized ray was standing next to the table. “Sorry, heres your check, my shifts ending so ya… I’ll leave it here.” He slid the a receipt on the table and walked off quickly. I looked over at Gerard, and started laughing.

“Poor Ray,” Gerard said smiling.

“He’ll get over it, he’s ray, like the nicest person to ever walk this earth.” I put a twenty on the table. “You want to go home? It’s pretty late.”

“No, but I guess I have to.”

“Well I can make it up to you maybe? I’m playing at this bar tomorrow night, you want to come?”

“Ya, but I’m not old enough to be in a bar.”

“Gee, you’d get in with the band. I can pick you up at nine?”

“I can live with that.” he smiled again, and I felt my heart skip a beat.

“Good.”

Notes

So I didn't edit, because I couldn't bring myself to re-read it. Its personal you know? maybe not. Sorry I haven't really been updating. I just found out that a person whose literally my best friend, doesn't want to talk to me anymore because i'm annoying, and a waste of his time. So ya here, have this unedited crap chapter. I wish I could of edited it but it was extremely hard to just write it.

Thanks for reading