Dark Side of a Smile

Our first kiss was amazing, I felt all those "forbiden" feelings come to life. It was amazing and it wasn't our last. I'm not sure if we were daiting or not but it was fun to just kiss and cuddle him and have this butterfly feeling in my chest and stomach. Sometimes I still feel it when Gerard sends me letters, I don't ever reply. How could I? What am I susspose to say? "Hey Gerard, when I got clean I found out I was pregnant with your kid, funny right?" No I can't say anything like that. He knows now because of that letter about our child but not the gender or her name. I don't want him to know anything, he'll try to be a part of her life then. I can't have that. I'll be a bad mother. Yes, I gave birth to her, I'm considered a "mother". I can't let him be apart of her life, no matter what. That drugie will not touch my baby girl. She'll have a bright furture. I miss her. Will she try to find me one day? Will she? Will she be ashamed of me? I can't risk that rejection. Not anymore. I almost died when Gerard rejected me. It isn't like you think Gerard and me were, and still are, in love. He just decided drugs over me. It was the hardest thing to cope with. We had one last night together and it was the best sex, and the only sex, i'll ever have again. With that night came consecrunses. Those consequences from that night led me to pregnancy. Gerard knew I could get pregnant but we didn't think of that. We only thought of how are bodies felt combined. I felt loved that night. When I found out I was pregnant. I feld the state, no one could find me, not Mikey (Gerard's brother), not Ray (a dear friend of ours), not even pete (he still terirized me). I fled and tried to think of what to do. I ended up in New Jersey. No one would find me here but other things did.

Notes

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