I Think I Like It

I was happy, but not entirely surprised, to see that my Mom and Cameron got on great. She thought that he was polite and sweet, and apparently, absolutely perfect for me. In an offhand comment in the kitchen while we cleaned up and he sat in the other room, she asked why I was so against bringing him home sooner. I told her that it was because I didn’t want to move things too fast, and she nodded understandingly.
“He’s handsome, isn’t he?” she giggled, nudging me. I rolled my eyes and smiled at her, not saying anything.
Truth be told, though, the longer I spent with him, the more I grew to like him. It turned out that we actually had a few classes together, and I felt bad for not noticing him sooner.
“Don’t worry, I don’t speak much.” He said brightly, but I still felt bad. We spent most of the evening upstairs in my room, alternating between playing video games, reading comics and laying down on my bed, facing the ceiling, and just talking. The last one was my favorite. There was no pressure to impress him, or to say anything in particular, we just talked.
“I’m worried about something.” I said. He turned his head so he was facing me.
“What is it?”
“I can’t tell you.”
“That’s okay. I hope it works out.” He said simply, and I grinned. Hanging out with Cameron was so easy. There was no complications, no expectations and, as bad as it sounds, because I didn’t actually have feelings for him, there wasn’t any way they could get hurt. I felt his hand inch towards mine, his fingers brushing mine and I, being a selfish, despicable asshole, let him entwine our fingers, ignoring the way my stomach turned with guilt at the shy smile that spread across his face.
“I like you a lot.” He said, still looking up at the ceiling.
“Oh.”
“It’s okay, I like hanging out with you, so you know. No pressure.” He laughed.
“You’re actually okay with just being my friend?” I asked hopefully.
“Well, yeah. For now, anyway.” He said.
“That’s probably the bravest thing you’ve ever said, right?” I laughed. He smiled.
“Yeah, it is. I’m glad you didn’t laugh at me, or I’d have cried.” He chuckled. I squeezed his fingers and stared back up. He sighed and sat up, rubbing his eyes.
“I should go.” He said. I nodded and led him downstairs, our hands still entwined. He thanked my Mom for dinner and I opened the door for him.
“Thanks for inviting me over. I hope we can do this again.” He said softly. I dropped his hand and smiled.
“Yeah, definitely.” I said. There was a moment of awkwardness where I thought he was going to kiss me, but he just hugged me quickly, and walked out. I shut the door behind him and took a deep breath. Cameron made me feel happy. It was as simple as that. Sitting upstairs, looking at my ceiling and talking about nothing had me more relaxed than I’d been all year. But that didn’t mean I was ready to drop Gerard for him – quite the opposite, actually. This time with Cameron only made me feel my need for Gerard more. I jogged up to my room and called him. He answered almost straight away.
“Frank.” He breathed, sounding relieved. I smiled at the sound of his voice.
“Hey.” I said softly.
“How was it?” he asked, his voice nervous. I perched on my bed.
“It was fine. My Mom totally bought it, and Cam seemed pretty happy to be friends with me. Just friends.” I said, hoping I was reassuring him.
“I hate this.”
“Baby, please.”
“I really, really hate this. I just…I don’t know. Is it really necessary?” he pleaded.
“You know it is.” I said tiredly.
“I just feel so…irrelevant.” He mumbled.
“You’re not irrelevant. You’re everything, Gee. You know that.”
“He can give you so much more. You can go out in public, and kiss him and…whatever. You can just do so much more with him. What can I give you?” he asked, his voice shaking. I took a deep breath, knowing that I couldn’t bear to hear him crying.
“You give me a reason to get out of bed. Gerard, please. I wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t for you. I just need to go through the motions for a little while, just to throw everyone off. You know we’ve had some close calls.” I reminded him. He groaned.
“I just…fuck, Frankie. It just hurts.” He said softly. I wished I could hold him and reassure him in person.
“I know, baby, and I’m sorry. If there was anything else I could do, you know I’d do it.” I said, feeling guilt wash over me. Why the fuck had I held Cameron’s hand? The guy I loved was sitting at home in a pool of self-pity and anger, and I was flirting with some other guy? I was truly despicable.
"You're...okay though. Right? I mean, you haven't-"
"No. I'm fine. I mean, I thought about it-"
"Gee." I sighed.
"I did. But I didn't do it."
"I'm so sorry." I murmured.
“Come to my place tomorrow after school.” He said.
“Okay.” I said with a small smile.
“Goodnight, Frank.” He murmured. I smiled.
“Yeah, night Gee.” I said, hanging up and collapsing onto my bed. I felt confused and guilty, and wished that this whole thing could end. I just wanted to be with Gerard – I didn’t want any of these other, confusing things to be involved. Just him and just me, and just us. Always just us.

I saw Cameron before I saw Gerard which, in retrospect, wasn’t a great sign. Like yesterday, we didn’t have English until our very last lesson, and Cameron was in my Art class. He dropped into the seat next to me and smiled shyly.
“Hey.” He said. I smiled back in greeting, and turned back to my sketch book.
“Last night was fun.” He said, after a short pause. I gave him a smile – a real one this time.
“Yeah, it was. It was cool hanging out with you.” I said. He blushed and I felt guilty. Again.
“Maybe we could do it again? Maybe uh…tonight?” he asked sheepishly.
“I can’t tonight, sorry.” I said, smiling. He nodded and turned back to his work, his ears red. I wanted to explain, but of course, I couldn’t. Not that I agreed, but I could see what Gerard meant about being with him being difficult. I shook the thought out of my mind and texted him to regain some normality.

TO: Gee.
(12:46pm)
I can’t stop thinking about you. <3

It was true, even if I was only sending the message out of guilt. He replied pretty quickly, and I smiled, all doubt and uncertainty flooding out of me at the sight of his words.

FROM: Gee.
(12:49pm)
Was just thinking the same thing. Not long until I can see you, baby. <3

TO: Gee.
(12:50pm)Can’t wait for tonight. Plans?? <3

Cameron looked at me from the corner of his eye, and I flashed him a smile.
“It’s ah, my Mom.” I explained. He smiled and nodded.
“Can I be a bit forward?” he asked.
“Hm?”
“I never got your number.” He said. I raised my eyebrows.
“Oh, yeah. Of course.” I said, scribbling it down without even thinking and handing it to him with a smile. The vibration coming from my pocket only a moment later acted as a reminder that I probably shouldn’t have done that, and the guilt was back.

FROM: Gee.
(12:55pm)
Yes. Don’t want to say though ;) <3

I nearly smiled, but realized that Cameron was looking at me, and disguised it as I replied.

TO: Gee.
(12:56pm)Aw come on baby? What does it involve? <3

FROM: Gee.
(12:57pm)Your dick. You can choose where you put it, sweetheart, as long as it goes inside me. <3

I gasped and slid my phone back in my pocket. My dick was starting to twitch in my jeans, and I knew that I couldn’t risk popping a boner with Cameron literally right there. I took a breath to calm myself, and turned myself towards him.
“Are you sitting with us at lunch?” I asked conversationally. He beamed, then blushed. He was kinda cute, and it made my stomach flutter.
“Do you want me to?” he asked quietly. I nodded, smiling at his uncertainty. He bit his lip and smiled. Without even thinking, I reached out and squeezed his hand, then retracted it quickly.
God, why am I such a fucking mess?

I walked with Cameron to lunch, but that didn’t stop me from scanning the room for Gerard. I saw him eventually, sitting in the same place as usual and, from the look of annoyance on his face, he’d clearly seen me too. I gave him a small smile, which he didn’t return. He just glared at Cameron and I as we reached our table. Joe and Chris were already sitting down, and beamed as we approached.
“How are you guys doing?” Chris asked, sounding like he was ready to explode. Cameron slowly and shyly intertwined our fingers and smiled.
“We’re good.” He said softly. My eyes trailed over to Gerard who was, at this point, absolutely livid. I could tell by the way he narrowed his eyes and flared his nostrils. I felt a buzz in my pocket and glared at him before sliding my phone out.

FROM: Gee.
(1:37pm)Please kindly ask your friend to take his hands off of my things.

I looked at him, and he stared right back, his jaw clenching and unclenching, a cold fire in his eyes.

TO: Gee.
(1:38pm) He’s not the one I’m going to be fucking later, is he? Calm, baby. I’m yours. <3

I peeked up and watch his expression change as he read the text – it flitted between arousal and fondness. He looked up and shook his head, smiling, running his hand through his hair. I winked at him and turned back to my friends and Cameron, whose hand was still locked in mine.
“English next.” Joe said, stretching. Chris groaned and dropped his head to the table.
“It’s not that bad.” I found myself saying. Chris laughed.
“That’s ‘cause you have a crush on Mr. Way.” He teased. I reddened.
“I don’t.” I mumbled.
“Cam, how many times have you seen Frankie staring at Mr. Way’s ass during class?” Joe said bluntly. Cameron giggled.
“Um, a lot. Like, every time he moves.” He said. I stared open-mouthed at him, and shoved him playfully.
“Hey, you’re meant to be on my side!” I laughed. He rested his head on my shoulder and smiled up at me.
“Sorry.” He giggled, and I smiled back.
“Get a room, losers.” Joe said, but he was smiling, clearly proud of himself for matching us so well. I had to hand it to him, under any other circumstances, Cameron would have been perfect, but he was a star that couldn’t outshine the sun.

Despite the complications I knew it would bring, I walked with Cameron to English, and was surprised to see Gerard already at his desk. I swallowed my guilt at having not noticed him walk past and sat down at my desk. He quirked his eyebrows up and smiled softly at me. I smiled back, glad he wasn’t mad at me.
“Okay, so today we’re gonna be focusing mainly on the characters in the book, alright? So your task for today is to find your favourite character and write a small description of them. I want quotes, with page numbers, and deep analysis. Okay?” he asked, and the class groaned. He chuckled and shrugged.
“Not all lessons can be easy, can they?” he laughed. The class, including me,dragged their books out of their bags and began writing. I decided that I wanted to write mine about Atticus, mainly because his thigh-rubbing was what got us in this damn situation in the first place. I could feel Gerard’s eyes on me for a long time before I looked up. He seemed to be debating something, his mouth stretched into a small smile, before shaking his head and looking back down at his desk, picking up his pencil and adding more to the drawing that he’d been working on all year. I’d never seen any of his drawings, but I heard they were really, really good. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I pulled it out, a small smile on my face. It dropped, however, when I realized that it wasn’t Gerard messaging me. I pursed my lips and grabbed my other phone from my other pocket.

FROM: UNKNOWN.
(2:56pm)Hey, it’s Cam! J

I turned around and smiled at him, and he beamed back, his face going an adorable pink colour.
“Iero, stop turning around.” Gerard said, his voice sounding bored. I raised an eyebrow at him.
“Jealous?” I mouthed. He locked his eyes on mine, his jaw clenching as he nodded.
“You’re mine.” He mouthed back. I nodded and smiled, and his lips quirked up briefly. I rolled my eyes with a smile and turned my attention back to my work. I didn’t even notice that Gerard had started walking around the room, under the pretence of checking students’ work, when he slid a note onto my desk.

“I’ll pick you up across the street after school. If you look behind you at your little fucktoy one more time, I’ll spank you so hard you won’t be able to walk tomorrow. <3 – G.”

I waited until he’d got back to the front of the room, and made deliberate eye contact with me. He raised his eyebrows, and I nodded briskly, making him bite his lip in anticipation. I held his gaze for a moment more before, slowly, turning around and smiling at Cameron, who gave me a short wave back. I turned back and gave Gerard a smug grin. He replied by shaking his head solemnly.
“Punishments.” He mouthed, returning to his desk. I blushed, feeling excitement running through my thighs – I couldn’t wait.

Notes