I Think I Like It

If I hadn’t had English that day, I probably would have exploded. I needed to see him, because despite him reassuring me that he was fine last night, he still didn’t reply to any of my calls or texts. I sighed, trying to keep my head up and facing the board during Science while my teacher droned on about bonds and shit. Normally, I’d have been vaguely interested, at least in the practical side of things, but all I could do was watch the hands on the clock slowly slide to the next number, a whole lifetime passing between minutes. I knew I was being crazy, that he was a grown man, and he could take care of himself. I knew that even if he was in trouble, there was very little I could do to help him. I knew that this was my entire fault in the first place, so it was dumb to think I could fix anything – but still, I just needed to see with my own eyes that he was okay. Once I saw him, everything would be okay.
Except that it wasn’t.

I saw his shadow on the door before I even walked into the room, and my heart stuttered in my chest. I’d have taken a moment to collect myself, but I was walking next to Chris and wanted to seem like I was fine. We stepped into the classroom, and I subtly tried to look at Mr. Way. He seemed…fine. Perfect, actually. His bottom lip was stuck between his teeth as he scribbled on a piece of paper, his eyes squinted and focused. When he noticed everyone walking in the room, he looked up and smiled coolly.
“Hey guys, how’re you all today?” he asked brightly, and the class responded with a unanimous mumble. He nodded, chuckled, and turned back to his paper, waiting for the rest of the class to take their seats. Once they had, he leapt to his feet and danced to the front of the room.
“Okay girls and guys, I’m gonna take in your essays so I can mark ‘em.” He said, leaning out to grab each sheet from the students. He stopped when he got to my desk and smiled.
“Don’t worry, Frank, I remember what you said. Just get it into me when you can, okay?” he said, surprisingly understanding for someone who was bullshitting. I nodded and beamed at him, happy to see him so bright.
“Thanks, sir” I replied. He just nodded and continued around the room.
“So, what I’m looking for here, guys.” He said, returning to his desk. He perched lightly on the edge, and put the papers next to him; “is just an understanding. I just need to know that you got the book. Obviously, if that’s not the case, we’ll do more work on it. I think it’s important, though, that you do read it. Not just because it’ll help you academically, but because this has to be one of the most important pieces of literature I’ve ever read.” He said seriously. Everyone nodded.A hand rose in the corner of the room.
“Yes, Anna?” he asked, smiling.
“I read the whole book, and I totally see what you mean. I loved it so much.” She gushed (probably lying). Mr. Way beamed at her proudly, clearly oblivious to her ass-licking.
“Glad to hear it.”
“You remind me of Atticus.” She said, her voice dreamy. He laughed, blushed and ran a hand through his hair.
I was thinking, as always, that he was adorable, when I saw it. I almost missed it, but I definitely saw it, clear as day; a thin red line sneaking out from under his sleeve, curling up around the top of his wrist. As his hand slid further through his hair, the sleeve of his shirt tugged down even further, revealing several more, similar marks. Fuck. Surely, that couldn’t be what I thought it was? I looked around and, of course, nobody else had noticed. I turned around just in time to see him snatch his hand down and pull his sleeve back down, his eyes darting around the room to see if anyone had seen, and looking almost relieved when they hadn’t.That is, until he looked at me. I wasn’t sure what emotion was on my face, but it was enough for his expression to drop. His mouth quivered, like he was going to speak, but then he snapped it shut, turning back to face the class.
“I…um. I have some sheets for you guys to work from. Jasmine, would you mind handing these out?” he said, gesturing towards a stack of sheets on his desk. The girl jumped up, obviously feeling pleased that he’d noticed her.
“Frank…do you mind…I need to talk to you about your essay.” He said, his voice weak. I almost considered saying no, that I was perfectly happy to stay where I was, but my feet had other plans, as I found myself rising out of my chair and following him out into the hallway. I felt a cold chill running through my body, my legs shaking so much I could barely walk. He put a hand on my arm to steady me, but I tore myself out of his grasp. He nodded, clearly hurt, and kept walking.
“Can we just-“
“No. Not here.” He murmured, and continued to lead me through the hallways until we reached the staffroom. I snorted.
“Are you being serious?”
“Everyone’s teaching, it’s empty. C’mon.” he said, pulling me inside. He locked the door, then walked slowly to the sofa in the middle of the room, dropping down onto it softly. He put one hand on each knee and looked at me expectantly. I floated towards a chair and collapsed into it, my eyes looking anywhere but him.
“Show me.” I croaked.
“No.” he breathed. It was firm, even though his voice was wavering.
“Gerard. Please.” I said, my eyes finally flooding with the tears I’d been holding back since I saw the stark red lines against his pale skin.
“Why do you need to see?You saw already, you know what’s there. Why do I need to show you?” He snapped.
“Because I have to…know what I saw. I can’t…” I said, breaking off. He stood up and paced in front of me.
“You know what you saw. Why do I have to fucking show you? You know damn fucking well what happened, what I did. Why the fucking hell would you want to see it? Fuck!” he yelled, smacking his hand on the wall. I sat silently, tears pouring slowly down my face. He sat back down, his head hanging. I saw his hand move slowly towards his arm, sliding his sleeve up. I took a breath to brace myself, but it wasn’t enough. The lines were deep and were still slightly swollen. The thing that caught me, though, was that they were all vertical, like he’d been attacked by an animal. I couldn’t drag my eyes away, even as the image was distorted by my tears.
“I didn’t mean for you to find out.” He said, his voice hoarse. I couldn’t speak.
“You wanted to die.” I whispered, my eyes finally flicking up to his. He was silent and barely moved his head, but I could see that he was nodding.
“It didn’t work.” He said, laughing lightly and bitterly. I took his hand in mine, even as it lay limp, I held on tightly.
“I’m glad. I don’t want it to ever work.” I said, my thumb rubbing circles into his skin.
“So far it hasn’t.” he said, his mouth twitching slightly.
“This wasn’t the first time.” I said. It wasn’t a question, but he nodded anyway.
“It’ll be the last though, right?” I said, squeezing his hand. He stared at me for a moment, and looked away without answering. My heart dropped in my chest. I couldn’t speak, and neither could he; until I realized something.
“Your text. Was that meant to be your…note?” I asked softly.
“No! Oh god, baby, no. I’d already…done it by then. I was calming down, and I didn’t want you to be worried.” He said. I imagined him, blood-soaked, shaking, crying, feeling disappointed that he hadn’t died, and still texting me to make sure I was alright. I looked away from him, my brain jumping around, refusing to make sense of what was happening.
“Why? Because of me?” I asked, my lip trembling. He pulled down his sleeve and shook his head.
“No. Frank, please don’t think this had anything to do with you. I’m just going through a lot, and now’s not the time to talk about it.” He said quickly, and I knew it wasn’t up for discussion. I reached out and touched his cheek gently with my fingertips, and he leaned down into the touch, his eyes fluttering shut.
“I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” I said softly. He opened his eyes and covered my hand with his.
“We should go back.” He said, moving to get up, his voice still dull. I realized then that nothing I’d said had sunk in. He was still sad, and still very much alone in his mind. I knew I needed to do something, but he was already heading towards the door. He unlocked it and turned, giving me a small smile.
“Coming?” he asked. I just nodded and followed him back to class.

Luckily, no one had really noticed how long we were gone, so I was able to just sit back down and try and act like nothing had happened – like my whole world wasn’t crashing around me. He was a bit more deflated now, but still made an effort to seem cheery when my classmates asked him for help. I could see him studying me in the corner of my eye, but I made an effort to not look back at him. I could feel tears threatening my eyes as it was, and looking at him would only make them spill over. I think he got the message, because he looked away eventually, going back to scribbling on whatever piece of paper he’d had before. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop thinking about him how he must have been the night before. He seemed so calm now, and it was easy to imagine that those tell-tale red lines weren’t even there. I took a deep breath to calm myself, aware that I was starting to get upset again.
“How’s the essay going, Frank? Do you get it now that I explained?” he asked, not even really looking up.
“Not really. I mean, I kind of get it but it’s…difficult.” I breathed.
“Just keep trying.” He said softly. For the first time in a long time, I was actually happy when the bell rang.

Sometimes, I think the universe plans things to go a certain way. For example, if Chris hadn’t ever broken his leg and been forced to partner with me in PE, we probably wouldn’t be friends. If I hadn’t accidentally looked at Timothy Collins’ ass in the changing rooms, I probably would have realized I was gay, and if I hadn’t gone to school that day, I’d have never fallen for my English teacher.
Of course, this isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes the universe can be a real dick and cause really shitty things to happen to you. Still, I liked to think that whatever forces were controlling my fate or whatever, that they wanted me to be with Mr. Way. At least, that’s how it seemed.
I saw him walking in the car park, which was unusual, because he’d normally have left by the time I got out; but by some chance, there he was. His shoulders were slightly slumped, and his expression looked…dead. As much as it haunted me, there was no other way to say it. He had one earphone in. He wouldn’t even hear me coming.
Before I even knew what I was going to do, I was walking towards him. I grabbed him just as he reached his car.
“Frank?” he choked, confused. I held his arm – that arm – softly, but firmly enough to keep him close to me.
“You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Be it because of this…whatever it is we have, or just because you’re the coolest and most entertaining teacher I know, all I know is that you are the brightest thing in my life. You outshine the sun and the moon and every damn star in my sky, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are everything. I hope you’re fucking listening to me, because I’m telling the truth. You are everything I have, everything I want, everything I need. Your face is in my fucking head 24 hours a day on repeat, and nothing I can do can drown out your face. And you know what? I wouldn’t want to. I want you – all of you. All the time. I know you have a lot on your plate, but you can’t do it alone. I’m here, Gerard. I’ve always been here, and I always will be. I just need you to be okay, and I need you to stay with me. You can’t hurt yourself anymore, and you can’t leave me. I’m nothing without you. And I don’t mean that in the cliché way either, I mean that an actual physical part of my body would be lost if you left me. Don’t leave me. Please.” I breathed. He just stared at me. I didn’t know what to do, so I did the only thing I knew how. I kissed him. Right there in the school parking lot. I didn’t care if anyone saw us, and I didn’t care what that could mean. I just held his face and kissed him, trying to show him that I needed him to be okay. If I could have healed him by kissing him, I’d have done it until my lips were bruised and bleeding and I couldn’t speak anymore.
“Please.” I breathed onto his lips. He didn’t kiss me back, exactly, but he did put his hands on my hips – apparently not caring if we were caught either.
“Frank.” He said, as if he was preparing to speak.
“No. Don’t fucking argue with me.” I said, tears starting to spill over my eyelids. He leaned towards me, then stopped and looked around. Apparently (and much to my relief), we’d been alone that whole time.
“Come with me.” He murmured, pulling me towards his car. I slid into the front seat and looked at him. I expected him to talk to me, or even to start kissing me, but as always, he surprised me.
He started driving.

Notes

This is kinda sad and also kinda jumbled.
I'll make it up to you guys, though. Promise! :)