I Think I Like It

Despite what happened, I still had other classes that I needed to get to, so as soon as I could (that is, as soon as I tore myself from Gerard) I ran to my Math class, apologizing as I stumbled in the door and dropped into the seat next to Joe.
“Dude, where were you in English?” he hissed, but before I could respond, our teacher told him to shut up, and I’d never been so grateful for it in my life. At least now I had a bit of time to concoct an excuse.
I could tell you that I tried to concentrate on my work, but I’d be lying. In fact, I was quite happy to just spend the whole lesson thinking about what had just happened. The way he moaned and whimpered, trying to keep himself quiet, but not being able to keep composed because of me. Because of me. It seemed almost ridiculous that someone like me could have that kind of effect on someone like him, but there it was. My eyes drifted to Joe, eyebrows furrowed as he tried to work out an equation, and I smiled, feeling hysterical laughter threaten to bubble up and out of my throat, only just managing to keep it in. I imagined what would happen if I told him where I really was in English. He’d be shocked, but he’d most likely get used to it. That, or he’d skin Mr. Way alive. It could go either way. Of course, I wouldn’t tell him, or anyone. I couldn’t risk it because people finding out would mean that I’d get kicked out of school and probably bullied for the rest of my life, while Gerard faced getting fired, being unable to work as a teacher ever again, a nice cozy place on the sex-offenders list and a nice long stay in prison. I blanched at the thought and rubbed my temples to try and erase it from my mind, but it wouldn’t go. I felt a feeling of dread make its way up my legs and into my stomach, making me feel nauseous.
“Iero? Are you okay?” asked my teacher. I hadn’t realized, but at some point she’d walked over to me, and was standing by my desk, looking genuinely concerned.
“Um. Yeah. Headache.” I stammered, feeling shaken.
“You look pale.” She said, tilting her head. I shook my head, making myself even dizzier.
“No ‘mfine.” I said, my tongue thick. I could still taste Mr. Way on my tongue, and in my paranoid state, I worried that she could smell him on me.
“Go to the nurse, Frank.” She said, softer than I was used to from her. I nodded and stood up, the room spinning as I did. I caught Joe’s eye and gave him a weak smile as I staggered to the door.

Oh God. I’d ruined everything. We were going to get caught, and he was going to be thrown in prison, and it was all because I couldn’t keep my fucking dick in my pants. I sunk to the floor, covering my eyes with my hands and trying to breathe deeply, but it wasn’t working. My whole body trembled. I’d pretty much ended his life to feed some damn fantasy. He should hate me. Hell, he probably did, somewhere in the back of his mind. The wall behind me was cold, and I tried to lean my aching head against it to ease the pain, but no relief came. I just felt sweaty and scared and pathetic. I gasped for air, but it was like there was a belt tied tightly around my chest, stopping me from breathing.
Legs shaking, I got myself to my feet. Despite knowing it wouldn’t work, I thought I should probably see the nurse. She’d been helpful when I’d had panic attacks before, and maybe she’d let me sleep for a couple hours on the bed in her office. With that in mind, I forced myself to walk to her room, congratulating myself for managing to keep my breakfast in my stomach.
I made it to her room in one piece, more or less, and the second she saw me, she ran over and helped me over to the bed.
“It’s been a while since we’ve had one of these.” She laughed, concern apparent on her face. I smiled back, remembering back when I had the biggest crush ever on her. It was ironic, I guess.
“I just need to lie down. I said, my eyes shifting over to the bed. She grinned.
“That’s fine, Frankie. Just sleep and you can go back to class whenever you want. I assume you don’t want me to call your Mom?” she said, her red lips pulled into a smile. I nodded and dragged myself onto my bed.
“Thanks, Tina.” I murmured, feeling my eyelids slide closed. After all, panicking over whether or not you’ve ruined a man’s life was pretty exhausting.

I woke up bleary eyed but no longer feeling sick. That’s what mattered, I suppose. Tina spun on her chair and smiled at me, and I was struck with how attractive she was, her orange hair cut into a perfect bob, her make up precisely applied. Of course, she didn’t hold a candle to Mr. Way.
“How are you feeling?” she asked, tilting her head. I smiled and sat up, accepting the water she handed me.
“Yeah, a lot better. Sorry, I freaked out.”
“Want to talk about it?” she asked. I smiled.
“No, it’s okay.” I said. She nodded and spun back to her desk.
“Uhm, what time is it?” I asked.
“If you leave now, you’ll make it just in time for the end of your fourth lesson. Or you could stay for fifteen minutes and leave at the beginning of lunch.” She said, her perfectly arched eyebrow rising. I chuckled and lay back down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. We didn’t speak for the rest of my time there, but it was okay – I was used to it. I spent a lot of time the year before, lying here and listening to the gentle tapping of her polished nails on the keyboard. I chewed my lip as I thought about last year and all the times I’d had to leave Mr. Way’s class because of my panic attacks. He must have been so worried about me, and I didn’t even bother to come back and let him know I was feeling better, I just got out of there. Even worse, I thought of all the times I’d sat for half an hour extra in Tina’s office so I didn’t have to go back to his class. I covered my face with my hands. Sure, things were different back then, but I still felt so bad. He told me he’d always felt protective of me, and I didn’t give a shit about him at all until like a week ago. I was definitely a terrible person.
“Oh, Frankie?” she said suddenly, interrupting my thoughts.
“Hm?”
“Your English teacher emailed me. I guess someone told him you weren’t feeling well, but he asked me to make sure you were okay.” She furrowed her eyebrows. “It’s not like him to be so concerned about how other people feel.” She murmured under her breath, her voice curt. I raised my eyebrows and suppressed a laugh – I’d definitely be asking him about that another time.
“Uh, I missed his class this morning because I was sick so, uh, I guess he just wanted to see if I was better.” I said with a shrug. She nodded and turned back to her screen, closing her email from him without replying. Ouch. I wondered for a moment why he didn’t just text me, but I realized that he probably didn’t want me to know he was worried about me. I looked down to hide my smile.
The bell rang and I picked up my bag.
“Thanks for everything.” I said with a grin. Tina squeezed my shoulder.
“No problem Frankie, come back whenever you have to.” She said, and I smiled again as I left the room.

By the time I got down to lunch, Chris and Joe were already sitting down. Mr. Way, however, was not.
“Dude, are you okay?” Joe said. I grinned.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I just didn’t feel too well.” I shrugged.
“Is that why you weren’t in English?”
“Yes.” I said, almost too quickly. They didn’t seem to notice though.
“We didn’t really do much anyway. Mr. Way seemed kinda sick.” Chris said.
“Oh, right.” I said.
“Yeah, it was totally gross. He looked like the walking dead and kept breathing all heavy. It was like sitting in a zombie movie.” Joe laughed, and I choked on air, coughing roughly. A hand came down softly on my back.
“Maybe try chewing before swallowing next time, Iero.” Came a cold voice from behind me. I spun around and had to try to hide my smile.
“Yeah, I will. Thanks.” I mumbled. He cocked an eyebrow.
“Care to explain why you weren’t in class today?” he said coolly. Damn, he was a good actor.
“I wasn’t feeling good. I spent a lot of the morning gagging.” I said, wrinkling my nose.
“Well, I’m glad you feel better.” He said, then walked off, over to his usual seat, I assumed. I didn’t look though, for fear I’d make things too obvious.
“This is what we mean.” Joe said. I raised an eyebrow.
“You stared at his ass so bad, dude.” He laughed. I blushed and looked down.
“Fuck off.” I murmured.
“Speaking of Frank looking at ass, look what we got!” Chris announced, waving a piece of paper in my face. Grabbing his wrist and forcing him to stay still revealed that it was the list of everyone who was at the dance that night. A further scan of it revealed that Mr. Way wasn’t on the list. I smiled at him, pretending to be grateful.
“Thanks, Chris.” I said, hoping he’d drop it. He didn’t, though. He went into a whole damn battle plan of how they were going to go through each name and narrow it down. I wasn’t even listening, because my phone vibrated. I didn’t even need to check which one.

FROM: Gee.
(1:36pm)That was risky. “Gagging” isn’t a phrase you’d normally use in conversation, is it? ;)

TO: Gee.
(1:37pm)
They didn’t notice. Too busy trying to find out who my mystery guy is.

FROM: Gee.
(1:38pm)
I hope you weren’t sick because of me, sweetheart.

TO: Gee.
(1:39pm)
Of course not. I loved it. I just felt a bit panicky. All good now.

He didn’t reply to that one, and I looked up to see that he was inspecting me, like he did that first day. I blushed under his gaze and he smiled a little bit. Not massively, nothing more than a twitch of his mouth, but it still comforted me.

FROM: Gee.
(1:46pm)
Tell me.

TO: Gee.
(1:47pm)
Not now. I’ll call you tonight.

FROM: Gee.
(1:49pm)Fine. I want you to lick the inside of your mouth. Can you still taste me, sweetheart?

I put my hand over my mouth to stop myself from gasping, and when I looked up, he was looking at me intensely from under his eyelashes, his teeth caught seductively on his lip. Jesus Christ, he was going to kill me.
I obediently licked the inside of my mouth and looked at him, nodding. He pressed his lips together and dropped his eyes down to the table. I wasn’t sure what he was doing until I got another text.

FROM: Gee.
(1:52pm)
So hot. I’m glad you feel better, sweetheart. I was worried about you. Please let me know next time you feel panicky, okay? Need you to be okay. <3

I looked up and nodded, grinning like a fucking idiot. He smiled back, looking at me like I was a damn piece of art in a gallery or something.I could understand the feeling – I looked at him like that all the time – I just didn’t know what he saw in me. He was a gorgeous, confident grown man, and I was an awkward, dorky teenager. I tried not to think it about it too much, though – it’s not like I was complaining. He tilted his head slightly, his eyes narrowing.
“Stop staring at me.” I mouthed, and he laughed. Not even quietly, either, but a loud, flamboyant laugh that I could hear even from where I was sitting, and that caught the attentions of several of the people sitting around him. He blushed and looked down, still peering at me from under his bangs, and I smiled back fondly.
“Dude, are you even listening?” Chris said, smacking my arm. I jumped.
“Ow. No, sorry. What was that last bit?”
“Oh God. Okay, we’ve narrowed it down slightly by removing all of the girls from the list. Joe and I are also removed because I’m like 99% sure I didn’t try to fuck you – sorry, dude.” He said, holding his hands up defensively. I laughed and ran a hand through my hair, purposefully ignoring the red-haired menace sitting just in the corner of my eye (and was still fucking staring at me. Jesus.)
“Okay, we also crossed off all the guys who have girlfriends.” Chris explained, and I nodded, watching the names get crossed off one by one. I had to hand it to them, if I was actually looking for a mystery guy, they’d be the guys I’d go to.
“So, now we have a list of about 13 guys that it could possibly be.” Joe said.
“My lucky number.” I murmured, and they smiled.
“So, we were gonna create some ‘anonymous’ surveys and hand them out to each of the guys, where we’ll ask really leading questions, and then work out who your guy is.”
“What if they lie?” I said. Joe shrugged.
“We’ll do somethin’ else. Don’t worry, Frankie. We will get you some dick.” He said intensely, and I laughed, feeling a rush of adoration for my friends.
“Don’t try too hard, okay? I’m fine with being…uh, dick-less.” I mumbled.
“We’re not, so you’re getting laid and that’s the end of it.” Joe said curtly and I nodded, smiling.
“Okay, sorry.” I mumbled, and the boys snickered. I thought our conversation was over, when Joe grabbed my arm.
“Dude, not to make you cream your pants or whatever, but Mr. Way keeps looking at you.” He murmured. I flicked my eyes up and saw that, of course, that asshole was staring at me. I rolled my eyes at Joe, who just sniggered and turned back to talk tactics with Chris.
“Stop.” I mouthed to the smug bastard on the table in front of me.
“Can’t.” he replied with a shrug.
“Why?”
“You’re beautiful.” He mouthed, and I blushed. Damn him. He laughed softly at my response (or lack of), his shoulders shaking softly. Asshole.

I had barely walked in my front door at the end of the day when my ‘Gee’ phone rang. I rolled my eyes – I swear that phone rang more than my normal one (as depressing and pathetic as it sounds). I let it ring, and instead dropped my bag in my room and made myself a quick snack. I knew that he was calling to ask why I was sick earlier, and I fully intended on telling him the truth. Having decided that, however, meant that I needed to be as comfortable as possible before answering the phone, meaning that he had to wait a little bit.
Once I’d taken my shoes off, changed into my sweatpants and a hoodie, and had eaten my snack, I finally answered the phone on his third try calling me. Persistent, much?
“Hey Gee.” I said softly.
“Hey, you.” He said, and I could almost hear the smile in his voice – my heart melted at the sound.
“Feeling better?” I asked. He was silent for a moment.
“I could ask you the same.” He said solemnly. I laughed airily.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I told you, I just got a bit worked up.”
“From what I heard, it was pretty bad.” He said softly.
“Who told you?”
“I have my sources.” He murmured. I was silent for a few moments.
“I used to get really worried about you, you know. All those times you had to leave my class…I just felt so helpless. Like, there was nothing I could do to comfort you, so I just had to let you leave, and I didn’t even know until the next day or whatever if you were okay.” He said sadly, and it hit me like a punch in the stomach.
“I’m sorry. If I’d known-“
“If you’d known you’d have called me a nosy asshole and told me to mind my own business.” He laughed. I didn’t have a response, so I didn’t reply, hoping I could put off saying what was on my mind.
“So, what had you so worked up, sweetheart?” he said.
“I don’t know if you want to hear it.”
“I do.”
“Okay, well then, I don’t think I want to tell you.” I said quietly. He paused for a moment.
“Oh. Right. I’m…sorry. That was quite presumptuous of me. I get that you’ve got personal stuff going on. Sorry.” He said.
“No, shit, not like that.” I groaned. He was silent for a moment.
“Then what?”
“It’s…I’m worried that you’ll agree with me.” I confessed. He laughed, but it was nervous.
“When does that ever happen?” he teased.
“I’m worried that someone will find out about us, and that it’ll ruin everything. I’ll be a laughing stock and will probably get expelled, not to mention disowned by all my friends and maybe even my Mom. But that’s not even the worst of it, because all I can think about is you being fired, and getting thrown in jail, and Jesus, Gee, you’re so pretty and feminine, and I just know that they’d all do horrible things to you, and then when you got out you wouldn’t be able to get a job and it would literally destroy your life. I just don’t think I’m worth all of that.” I said, feeling better as soon as I’d told him. Sure, it didn’t get rid of the problem, but it meant I didn’t have to face it alone anymore. He was silent for a long time, which was fine. I sat silently too, letting him think.
“Frank.” He said, his voice weak and hoarse. Shit, was he crying?
“B-babe, I didn’t mean to-“
“I won’t let that happen. I won’t let anything bad happen to you, ever. Nobody will find out, and we’ll be okay.” He said weakly.
“But what if they do? One small mistake and we’re done and everything is ruined. You can’t save me from everything.” I pleaded.
“God fucking dammit.” He shouted, and I heard a crash. Shit shit shit. I was silent – what the fuck could I say?
“Frank, fucking just- shit. Just fucking listen to me, okay?” he said, his voice desperate, pleading and…shit, he was so fucking angry.
“I’m listening.” I said softly.
“I won’t fucking let them hurt you. Nobody will find out, do you hear me? You will not suffer because of my selfishness. I won’t let it happen. This will only stay as it is as long as it’s good for you. The second it’s not…”
“Stop.” I whispered, tears filling my eyes.
“I can’t stop. Jesus, Frank, I can’t fucking stop. What’s the fucking matter with me? I’m nearly 40, how the fuck am I…” his voice broke off into sobs that made my heart lurch with pain.
“Gerard, please. Don’t cry. I’m sorry. Please.” I pleaded, wishing more than anything that I could be with him, and hold him, and just make everything okay, because his damn sobbing was breaking my heart, and it was all my fault.
“Please don’t hate me.” He breathed.
“I don’t. I couldn’t. Gee, you’re being ridiculous.”
“No I’m not. I’m being realistic. I’m a fucking monster. How could I even…you’re a fucking child.” He groaned.
“Stop this. What the fuck has gotten into you? You seem to be forgetting that I’m an 18-year-old consenting adult. I don’t give a fuck about what the law says, in my eyes, we’re fine, and so we are. That’s it. That’s the bottom line. Yes, okay, I panicked, but only because I was afraid of losing you and because I worry too much. We’ll be okay. Just please, stop fucking crying.” I said firmly, though my voice was wavering slightly.
“I’m sorry. I’ve had a lot on my mind recently. I’m just gonna get some sleep, okay? I’ll text you tonight maybe.”
“You’re sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine. Talk to you later, sweetheart.” He said, but there was little affection in his voice.
I felt ice cold as I put the phone down and the nagging feeling that something was horribly wrong refused to leave me. I put my hands over my face and took a jagged, deep breath, resisting the urge to call him back. He obviously needed time, and he promised he’d text me later, so he would. Right?

Notes

I'm posting this at like 1am so sorry if it's shit, my sleep cycle is fucked okay <3