Addiction and Her Name

The next couple of weeks were dreadfully long. When I thought about it, I realized that I was lonely. I missed Sarah. Even though we only spent a short amount of time together, I had a sense of companionship in her. It was nice.

But now I missed her. It was strange not seeing her at work anymore and knowing that she was gone and that indirectly it had been my fault.

Flashback
Enough was enough! I couldn’t take the distance between us anymore since our fall out. I decided I had to talk to Sarah. It was time to sort out the issues between us. I walked over to her cubicle and was surprised to see her packing up her things.

“What are you doing?” I asked in horror immediately thinking that she was leaving to
get away from me.

She looked up at the sound of my voice and actually smiled. “Hey, Gerard. I’m glad to see you. I was going to pop into your cubicle before I left.”

“What do you mean before you left?” I asked still shocked by what was happening in front of me. She was leaving. I knew it.

“I’m packing. I quit my job here.” She announced this as if it were good news, not to me it wasn’t.

“What??? No, you can’t! It’s not… Why??? Is it because of me?” I reacted heftily.

She was still smiling at me as if she was trying to appease a child and it was driving me up the walls. “Yes, it is because of you.” Subtle. Or just completely tactless like a rock. But there it was, she was leaving because of me.

“No, you can’t! I didn’t mean for it to be this way! You don’t have to! You shouldn’t! Sarah, stay, I’ll…”

“Gerard,” she spoke calmly holding up a hand to silence me. “Calm down please.”

I stopped talking and frowned deeply. This was definitely the last thing I expected. I did not plan for her to quit her job because of me. She was better at art than I was. If anyone should leave it should be me.

“Relax. This is really a good thing…” She started, but I interrupted her. “How can this be a good thing?” She was leaving me. I still couldn’t get over that fact.

“I was accepted at a university in Boston. I’m going to study graphics design. That’s why I had to quit and why I’m moving,” she explained. “I really want to thank you. I never would have had the courage to do this if it wasn’t for you.”

She must have seen the confusion on my face, because she carried on, “You’re the one who told me to do something with my talents.”

“Oh,” I said quietly.

So I wasn’t the reason she was leaving. Her leaving had nothing to do with what happened between the two of us. That was a huge relief. I almost thought that it was unbearable for her to be around me and that that was why she was leaving.

“Gerard, this really is a good thing. I’m really grateful to you, because you changed my life: in so many ways. I’m going to miss you so much,” she said, smiling again, but this time it was genuine and not in pity.

I managed to smile back at her. It was a good thing that she was taking her talents to the next level. She was going to do something more with her life.

“Here, I’ll help you carry this.”

Once we put the box in the cab she turned back to face me.

“Do you really have to go?” I asked hopefully, because I was going to miss her presence at work. I didn’t really want her to leave even if it was for the greater good. Who was I kidding anyway? It was never going to work between us.

“It’s only for a couple of years. I’ll be back before you know it.”

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, head hanging.

“For what?”

“I’ve been a real jerk lately and now you’re leaving.”

“That’s not why I’m leaving. I just wish I could have helped you before leaving,” she stated sadly.

I sighed, “Maybe one day we’ll meet again. We might even become a happy couple.”

She smiled brightly at this. “That’s something nice to look forward to.”

A short awkward silence followed with both of us just staring at each other. I could tell that she didn’t want to go either and was tempted to make her stay, but that wouldn’t be fair to her.

When I didn’t say anything she came back into motion. “I have to go. Gerard, take care of yourself,” she told me, hugging me tightly.

“You too and good luck.”

“Thanks,” she smiled almost sadly, getting into the cab.

I just waved as the car drove off.
End flashback

I went to her apartment the week before, but it was empty since she already moved out.

I missed my brother, Mikey. We’ve always been best friends, since we were little kids. I could always tell him anything and he would always have my back. I missed my parents. Dad always had a way of making me laugh and Mom always knew how to make me feel better even if it was only by cooking my favorite food. They would always support me no matter what. I missed my grandmother, Elena. She was the one who taught me to sing and dance and draw when I was little. She was such a dear person and understood me or at least she tried. Hell, I even missed New Jersey: most of the time the cold weather matched my bleak moods, even though it was sometimes the weather that made it so.

On an impulse I decided to go visit my family. As soon as I arrived home from work that Friday, I grabbed a few clothes, stuffed them in a backpack and walked to the nearest train station. I sent my brother a message to ask if he’d mind picking me up when I arrived in Belleville.

Forty-five minutes later the train stopped and I got off. I peered over the heads of what seemed to be hundreds of people and finally noticed Mikey among them. The skinny kid with the sandy blonde hair and glasses kind of stood out in the crowd.

I walked over to him and smiled warmly. “Hey, Mikes.”

“Gerard,” he grinned broadly, clearly as happy to see me as I was to see him, and then hugged me tightly. “Man it’s good to see you again. I’ve missed you.”

I nodded in complete agreement, pulling away. “It’s good to be back.”

“Come on, let’s get you home. Mom can’t wait to see you again,” he informed me with a chuckle. “She’s kind of freaking out that you’re finally going to be home again. It’s been almost forever.”

“I can only imagine what awaits me when I get home,” I smiled. I could feel my insides warm. Mikey was right, it has almost been forever since I’ve seen my family. I never realized how much I missed them until now when I finally got to see them again.

We got into my parents old blue station wagon and Mikey drove towards our house. We didn’t talk all the way there. I just stared out the window into the darkness outside. My hot breath fogged up the glass, proof of the cold weather on the outside. I could barely make out the clouds building up.

“It looks like rain,” Mikey noticed too.

“Not that that’s news.” I muttered still looking out the window.

He chuckled, “Not really, huh?”

As soon as he parked the car in the driveway, my mom nearly came running out of the house to greet me.

“Gerard!” she exclaimed, crushing me in a hug. “We’ve missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, Mom. Mom, you’re going to kill me,” I huffed.

“Right, sorry,” she apologized allowing me room to breathe. “It’s been too long.”

Mikey removed my bag from the car and followed us inside the house. Inside, my dad greeted me with a smile.

“It’s good to have you home.”

I shook his hand and then he pulled me into a hug, though not as tightly as my mom’s.

“You should have let us known that you were coming sooner. I could have made something special,” my mom scolded me, but I knew it was all well intended.

“That’s really not necessary, Mom. Besides, I didn’t exactly plan on visiting. I just missed you all so much and came home on an impulse,” I told her truthfully.

She smiled, “Well, you know you’re always welcome here.”

She walked into the kitchen and my dad and Mikey sat down.

“Excuse me,” I said, taking my bag from Mikey and heading for my old room.

I walked inside and turned on the bed lamp. It still looked exactly the same as it did when I was in high school: the posters up on the walls, the black bedding. There were pages scattered all over the desk. I picked some of them up and looked at the sketches made on them. I smiled: they weren’t a lot different from the things I drew now, though they were a little rougher. It’s good to know that art school taught me something.

“Dinner’s ready,” Mikey announced, poking his head around the door.

“Oh, thanks,” I said and put the pages back down on the desk. It was good to be home in a safe and familiar environment. It almost felt strange. It was so quiet and peaceful, completely different to the environment I was used to now – busy bars and rowdy bodies.

I sat down to dinner with my family and realized just how much I’ve missed being home. I haven’t been home for four months. I was busy at work and then there was the thing with Sarah and my other problems.

My parents didn’t know that I turned to alcohol and drugs, even though I’ve been at it for more than a year now. Maybe that’s why my visits home had become fewer. I didn’t want them to find out, because I knew it would break my mom’s heart and they would be extremely disappointed. Besides, what kind of an example would I be setting for Mikey? No one needed a screw up for a brother.

After dinner, all of us sat in the living room just talking. It was such a family moment. For the first time in a very long time, I was pretty happy. I told them about how well things were going at work and that I was working on a presentation for the company – hopefully they’ll accept it and then I’ll have my own cartoon series. I found out that Mikey went to New York for a job interview and might move there within the next few weeks, depending on whether he got the job or not.

At about eleven, my parents retired to bed and Mikey and I stayed behind, watching television. I wanted to tell him about Sarah, but then I would have to explain why things didn’t work out and then I would have to lie so instead I kept it to myself. Soon he was asleep on the couch, though. I found a blanket on his bed and returned to cover him with it. I went to my room and climbed into bed.

I lie in the dark for hours, unable to sleep. My body wasn’t used to this: going to sleep sober. Normally I would pass out, but I couldn’t very well do that while I was home. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 03:41. Damn it.

I sat up with a sigh and turned on the bed lamp. I picked up my bag and pushed my hand down to the bottom, rummaging around for a few seconds until my fingers touched the little plastic bag. I pulled it out and sat down at the desk to get a fix. After that, I was wide-awake. I put on an extra hoodie and left the house. It was dangerous to be out in our neighborhood at night, but at that point I didn’t care.

The air was freezing and the pavement wet from the rain. It felt good walking outside at this time of night or maybe I was high. I couldn’t really tell. The cool air was refreshing. An hour later I returned home and quietly entered through the back door.

“Gerard? Where were you?” Mikey asked groggily from the darkness.

“I went out for a smoke,” I lied.

“It’s after five. You should be asleep,” he murmured, rubbing at his sleepy eyes.

“So should you,” I whispered.

He nodded slowly. “Goodnight.”

“You too.”

He turned around and walked to his room. I went back outside and lit a cigarette. I had trouble lighting it, because of the cold wind blowing. When I finished, I decided to take Mikey’s advice and go to bed. Unfortunately the effects of the cocaine didn’t wear off yet and I lie in bed sleepless until the sunlight hit my eyes.

***

I sat up slowly – feeling like a zombie due to a lack of sleep. I made my way to the bathroom and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were red and I had dark circles under my eyes.

“Shit,” I mumbled, washing my face with cold water, not that it made any difference.

“Good morning,” my mom greeted cheerily when I entered the kitchen five minutes later.

Mom had always been a morning person. Mikey and I could never understand it though. She was busy making breakfast.

“Morning, Mom,” I managed a smile.

She looked at me worriedly, “Are you okay?”

I coughed. “I’m fine. Don’t worry. I just didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“Nothing a steamy cup of coffee and a good breakfast can’t fix,” she smiled. “Do you eat well?”

I chuckled, “Mom, I’ve been living alone for two years now. I think I know how to take care of myself by now.”

“I’m just being motherly,” she defended herself. “Besides, I married your father. I know the way he lived alone. It was just junk food, coffee and beer and he lived like that for five years! That’s not taking care of yourself.”

“Are you talking about me?” Dad asked coming into the kitchen and giving Mom a kiss. “Good morning, Gerard.”

“Morning, Dad,” I replied.

“I was just telling Gerard how not to live,” Mom informed him.

“It’s a good way of living,” my dad argued. “In fact it’s the perfect way for a bachelor to live. You don’t have to cook and there aren’t any dishes.”

“It’s disgusting,” Mom said, turning around to finish breakfast.

“Hey everyone,” Mikey mumbled, coming into the kitchen.

“Coffee?” I asked him.

He nodded and I made him a cup also pouring myself another one. I was going to need a lot more coffee to get me through this day.

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

I sat back down at the table and pulled a hand through my hair, before supporting my head with it.

“Do you have any plans for today?” Mom asked me.

I shook my head, “Not really.”

“Oh, well, maybe you should look up some of your old friends,” she suggested.

I laughed cynically, since I didn’t really have that many old friends. I used to be the invisible kid in high school and when I finished and moved to New York, I left all of that behind, even the one or two occasional friends I might have had. At least, that was the plan – I was still invisible, but it didn’t even bother me. I preferred to be invisible, because no one ever bothered me.

“Maybe I’ll walk into town for a while,” I shrugged undecided.

“I can drop you off on my way to work,” Dad offered.

“No, that’s okay. I’m used to walking by now and besides, I need the exercise,” I told him truthfully, earning a hearty chuckle.

“Suit yourself. I’ll see you all this afternoon.”

He kissed my mom and then disappeared from the kitchen.

“I’m going to take a shower,” I muttered, before heading to the bathroom.

***

“Gerard Way! I can’t believe it!” I heard someone say as I stood in line at a Starbucks not far from my parents’ house.

I turned around and looked at the guy standing behind me. I didn’t recognize him at first. He had shaggy blonde hair and a goatee.

“You don’t remember me, do you?” he asked seeming amused.

An image came into my head and I remembered who he was.

“Of course I do,” I chuckled, “You’re the everyday loud mouth Matt Pelisier.”

“Thank you, thank you,” he grinned, making playful little bows.

“Long time no see,” I grinned back.

“Yeah, four fucking years! I’ll say that’s a long time,” he agreed.

“You remember my brother Mikey?” I checked, pointing a thumb in my brother’s direction, who was at the counter buying us coffee.

“Oh, yeah. Man he’s grown up!”

I chuckled, “Yeah, he’s taller than I am.”

“How have you been?” Matt wanted to know.

“I’ve been good,” I nodded. It wasn’t a complete lie. I thought I was good and no one was going to tell me otherwise. “How about you?”

“Oh, you know me. I’m always great: happy-go-lucky.”

“I remember.”

Matt was one of the few friends I had in high school. Of course I never thought I’d see him again.

“What are you up to nowadays?” he wanted to know.

“I’m just visiting my parents for the weekend and then I’m going back to the city,” I told him.

“How are you surviving New York?”

“Just fine really. I recently got my degree and I have a job. My apartment’s nothing fancy, but it’s home and otherwise I also have a couple of friends I usually hang out with,” I told him.

“That’s good to hear, man, really good to hear,” he smiled.

Mikey joined us at this point and we waited for Matt to also get his before we found a table and sat down.

“What are you up to?” I asked.

“Oh, a little bit of this and a little bit of that,” he shrugged. “Nothing major. How long did you say you were in town for?” he checked.

“I’m leaving again tomorrow,” I replied.

“Man, that sucks. I thought we could maybe hang out a bit before you go,” he said.

“We can do that,” I smiled. “We still have tonight.”

He grinned broadly, “Cool! There’s a bar about two blocks away from here. I’ll meet you both there at nine? You better be there too, Mikey.”

Mikey smiled, “Of course I’ll be there. It’s been a while since I’ve gone out or since I’ve hung out with my brother.”

“See you then,” I told him.

“Well, I’m off. See you tonight,” Matt said, getting up and walking out the door.
Matt just became my excuse to go out tonight. Getting drunk with an old high school buddy wasn’t that out of the ordinary. My parents and Mikey wouldn’t know a thing.

“You ready to go?” I asked my brother while swiping sugar off the table top.

“Yes, what’s on the agenda?”

“You pick.”

***

The weekend went by way too fast and when Sunday afternoon came around and it was time for me to leave for the city again, I felt sad to go. Family really made the days better. Things were never too bad when I was still in the house.

“Don’t let it be months before we see you again,” Mom told me, clearly not ready to let go of me yet. “One weekend is way too short. You should take some time off and spend the week here.”

“Your mother is right. It’s nice to have both you boys under our roof.”

“I’ll try, Dad, but I can’t make any promises.”

I turned to Mikey and he offered me a grin.

“I’ll probably see you sooner than you think.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” I smiled sincerely.

After that I got on the train, waving at my family for the last time before sitting down and waiting to return to the Big – bad - Apple.

Notes