Addiction and Her Name

It was already my second day in the hospital and I was going out of my mind. I swear the place was driving me crazy. I heard things, saw things. The room wouldn’t stop spinning and I knew for a fact that I was sober. I was dead sober. I was having withdrawal symptoms. I was sweating and my whole body was shaking. I knew I had to get out of there before I died.

Shit, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Mikey and Ray were having me kept there in order to get me cleaned up. Then it dawned on me. Oh shit… That’s exactly what was going on. Motherfuckers. I wasn’t going to go down that easily.

I got out of bed and walked over to the small cupboard thing and put on my own clothes. Mikey had been nice enough to bring a clean set. Mikey. I couldn’t believe it and yet at the same time I did. It was so obvious I should have realized it a lot sooner. How could they do that to me?

I opened the door and looked outside before sneaking out. The hospital hallways were surprisingly quiet aside from a patient here or there and one or two nurses doing check-ups on the patients. My escape to the outside world was quick and easy to my surprise. I thought for sure somebody would stop me before I reached the door. Then again they probably thought that I was a visitor what with my normal clothes and all. The sudden exposure to sunlight blinded me momentarily and I was so dizzy I had to grab hold of a lamp post to keep myself on my feet. I was shaking really badly.

I hailed a cab to Bert’s place and frantically knocked on his door. I didn’t receive any answer and realized that he had to be at work. Of course, because that’s exactly where I was supposed to be, too, if my brother and friend hadn’t decided to have me detained against my will.

I went home and grabbed my wallet, heading out the door again to the nearest bar. I couldn’t believe what I was doing, but I hated the way I felt. I just wanted the torturous feeling to end and there was only one way to remedy the situation.

Not even an hour later, my phone started ringing. First it was Mikey and then Ray. They kept calling, but I just kept ignoring them until I finally decided to turn my phone off. As I swallowed alcoholic substance after alcoholic substance, I slowly but surely started to feel better. I haven’t eaten yet and got drunk really fast.

There was movement to my left and I saw Kat standing there looking at me curiously.

“Ah, I knew you would find me here!” I exclaimed, extremely happy to see her. I was too drunk already to care how loud I probably was right then.

“Gee, what’s up with you?” she nodded in greeting.

My head practically rolled onto my shoulder as I picked up the drink in front of me. “I’m having fun,” I said still way too loudly. “Can I get you a drink?

“Sure.” She shrugged, taking a seat on the barstool next to me. We had the best seats in the house. The bar tender came over and took her order before disappearing again.

I frowned, thinking of something. “Shouldn’t you still be at work?” I still had enough sense to look at my watch. It was barely ten minutes past five. Evidently I had gotten a very early start today. I had a lot of catching up to do.

“I should be, but I told Ray I had an emergency and left.”

I grinned, impressed by her cunning little lie. I suddenly panicked. “You didn’t tell him that you knew where to find me, did you?”

“Of course not,” she scoffed, clearly taken aback by the question. “I knew you wouldn’t want that. Besides, I didn’t think you’d need him getting on your case right now.”

“Thanks.”

“What’s going on, Gee?”

“What do you mean?”

She stared down at her drink seeming to think about what she was going to say or at least over how to put it. “Well, you signed yourself out of the hospital and then just disappeared.”

“I didn’t disappear…”

“You turned off your phone so no one could find you,” she cut me short. “I wasn’t lying to Ray when I told him it was an emergency,” she continued calmly. “When I heard you went missing I knew where to find you and I knew I needed to find you before you did something stupid.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked sharply, my voice rising.

“Come on, Gee. You’re not fooling me. Something is different with you. You’re not here simply getting drunk. You’re about to drink yourself back into the hospital again. Why?” Her sudden insight into my life took me completely by surprise. I wasn’t aware that I was that transparent. She was wrong about me wanting to drink myself back into the hospital again, although I probably was planning on trashing myself more than usual. As for my reasons…

“I’m angry.”

Her eyebrows shot up.

It came bubbling up inside of me. “You can’t fucking trust anyone anymore, least of all the people you think you can. My brother and Ray thought they would help me get sober by having the hospital keep me longer than necessary. Have you ever tried sobering up? I have and I hate the feeling. I’ve tried it before and it always feels like I’m dying. You have no control over your body. Everything starts shaking including your vision. It’s worse than the worst fucking hangover that you’ll ever have. It’s… I can’t even describe it.” I emptied my glass in a large gulp. “Unfortunately their little plan was unsuccessful. I’m not stupid. I don’t want to get clean.” The barman was keeping to our agreement and kept the drinks coming without the need for me to ask. I downed this one too. “I’m angry because no one gives a fucking shit anymore. I was in the hospital for three days and not one of my so-called friends bothered to come see me. It’s fucking pathetic.”

“That’s not completely fair. How were they supposed to know that you were in the hospital? I’m pretty sure your brother doesn’t know them and Ray would never let the bad influences come to you. The only reason I even knew about it was because I happened to be there when Ray got the phone call telling him that you had been hospitalized.”

“Didn’t they notice that I’ve been missing for days?”

“In all fairness, you’re spending a lot of your time with me lately. You’re constantly missing from their company for days.”

It wasn’t fair of her to break it down like that. I wanted to be angry.

“As for what Ray and your brother did, I mean, I’m not justifying their actions…”

“Good,” I murmured, staring down at my newest drink.

“But they only did what they did because they care. They want you to get better.”

“There is nothing wrong with me dammit!” I snapped. “I wish everyone would stop trying to fucking fix me! It’s getting exhausting. So please if you ever feel the urge to do the same there’s the door. I have no issue cutting you out of my life,” I breathed harshly. I was over it. I needed people in my life who would accept me the way I was. I willed myself to ignore the hurt expression that flashed across her face at my words. It was her turn to empty her glass.

Things just became awkward between us. We were both caught up in our own thoughts, although I was vaguely aware of her eyes on me, watching me, assessing me. It wasn’t as unnerving as I thought it would be. Maybe I didn’t care that this girl had some ability to see inside me whether I wanted her to or not. If tonight was an indication of anything, she knew me a lot better than I thought and it didn’t bother me at all. Normally it would. I didn’t exactly let people in. I always thought Kat and I were sort of like kindred spirits. I never could quite put my finger on it.

“Why, Gee?”

Her question came unexpectedly. She’s never been more serious in her life and the look she gave me was one of complete confusion.

“Why what?” I gulped, suddenly nervous.

“Why this lifestyle? I don’t get it,” she frowned deeply, shaking her head. My eyes caught her finger tapping the rim of her glass. Abruptly the noise of the bar increased, invading my ears. Where did all these people come from? Focus, Gerard. I forced myself to look back at her face. “You seem to have a great life,” she began to explain. “You have a job and you have your own place. Your parents and your brother love you to death and from what I’ve heard you have an exceptional bond with your grandmother. Hell, you even have Ray who cares about you. You’re loved by so many people and everything else seems to be fine. What went wrong?” She really truly didn’t understand.

I didn’t see that one coming at all. It got me thinking. I didn’t always even remember precisely where it all went wrong. It wasn’t going to be easy to answer, but I tried to formulate it as best I could. “High school sucked. High school sucks for everyone, but I guess it kind of started with me having the wrong friends and they got me drinking. Obviously I wasn’t an alcoholic back then, but I think that’s where it all started. The main issue of course is that depression doesn’t ask for permission to come in and take over your life. So by that point I was already pretty fucked up and with everything on top of each other it was a recipe for disaster. Things were bound to end up here. I guess I could have made better choices in life, but I didn’t so… Besides, you’re one to talk. You apparently have this really super husband and yet you’re out with me night after night drowning these unknown sorrows.”

“My circumstances are completely different from yours,” she responded icily and I winced. I was a little out of line. “You said it yourself, you don’t know my sorrows so it’s better if you just leave them for me to deal with, okay?”

I swallowed and nodded. Way out of line. I watched the people around us drinking aimlessly, the ones who went out night after night for the fun of it. Some of them were clearly fresh out of school, probably boasting some bad fake IDs. They didn’t know the half of what they were doing, of what they were going to have to sacrifice going down this long, dark and curvy road of alcohol dependency. Ask me. I knew all about it. I turned back to my drink with a deep sigh.

“I was worried about you, you know?” Kat’s voice startled me and my head snapped up in her direction. “You kind of scared me. I assumed that you were out with your friends when you didn’t show up that night. The next morning Ray received a phone call and totally freaked out, storming out without any explanation. He returned only much later that afternoon and surprisingly told me what happened. I went by the hospital to see you, but you were still unconscious,” she informed me.

“Mikey told me you were there. Well, not exactly you, since he didn’t know it was you, but he mentioned a girl coming by. I assumed it was you.”

“I kind of left as soon as I knew that you were alright. I didn’t talk to him.”

I nodded. “Things got out of hand that night,” I admitted.

“At least you’re okay,” she said quietly, looking down at her hands linked together on her lap. “Oh, and today Ray received another phone call,” she started.

I sighed, because I knew it was about me leaving the hospital.

“He flipped! He swore loudly, especially at you. He cursed at how you were a stupid, selfish idiot and how you really had a death wish. He uttered a whole bunch of other things too,” she finished half smiling.

“Ray is like a brother to me. He’s just looking out for me. I’ll admit he’s a major pain in the butt when he starts lecturing me about the way I live: you know my addictions? I don’t get angry about it though, because, even though it annoys the shit out of me, I know it’s only because he cares. The guys I hang out with and get drunk with, they’re good friends, but like I said, Ray is like a brother; the responsible one, I might add. As for my escape act from the hospital, I had to leave that place! I was going crazy.”

“I understand. I don’t blame or judge you at all. How is your brother taking everything?” She looked up at me genuinely curious.

“I’m not sure,” I said frowning. “I haven’t seen him all day. And thanks, for caring.” Maybe we were friends after all despite all our efforts to remain detached.

“Try not to kill yourself. What would I do without my buddy?” she joked, but I could sense a serious undercurrent to her words.

I allowed myself to laugh for the first time in days. The sound that escaped was hoarse and it scratched at the insides of my throat, but it was a good feeling. It was a rare occurrence lately. I had hit rock bottom and the realization left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“Can we have a couple of doubles of Jack please,” I called to the barman ready to kill my consciousness.

*

“Gee, come on, where are your keys?”

I was drunk as fuck and couldn’t even remember how the hell we got from the bar to my apartment, at least I thought it was my apartment. I guess Kat didn’t go all out tonight, because she was still in a well enough condition to support me and even dragged my ass up the stairs to my front door.

“Gee,” she sighed, pushing me up against the wall and holding me there with one hand while the other searched my pockets for my keys. When she finally found them she hurriedly unlocked the door, the few seconds necessary for her to leave me and do that enough for me to slide down onto the floor.

“I honestly don’t have the strength in me to get you back up.”

“It’s fine,” I murmured slowly, having to concentrate extremely hard on pronouncing each word somewhat understandably. “I can take care of myself from here.”

“Are you sure?” she looked down at me skeptically. “I don’t mind helping you inside. I’m just going to need a little cooperation from you.”

“Kat, I’m fine,” I assured her. “Trust me. I’ve done this a million times.”

She bent down in front of me, giving me my keys.

“Take care of yourself, Gee. I won’t lose you too,” she whispered quietly before straightening back up and heading down the hallway.

“Kat!” I called out feebly. She stopped and turned around expectantly. “Thanks for taking care of me.”

“You’re welcome,” she said with a faint smile before disappearing around the corner.

I was overwhelmed by the instant silence which followed. With nothing to take my mind off the sickness anymore, I ran to the bathroom, puking everything out. The worst part was always the dry heaves that wracked my body following a good vomit session.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Mikey demanded, appearing in the doorway and angrily crossing his arms over his chest, not giving a damn about my current state, as he waited for an answer.

“Out,” I mumbled.

“We’ve been worried sick! You just disappeared from the hospital. No one knew where you went or what you were doing! Ray even called your friend from the other night, but he of course had no idea either.”

“Yeah, and I guess you just assumed that I was going to harm myself,” I said scathingly.

“Look at yourself, Gerard! Do you enjoy this: getting wasted night after night and feeling like shit the next morning? You don’t even remember half of your life!”

“I don’t care,” I slurred.

“I fucking do!” he shouted. “You’re so damn selfish! You’re screwing up your entire life and I can’t just stand by and watch you do it.”

“You sound like Ray.”

He sighed in aggravation. “You need to get a grip on yourself!”

I grabbed my throat with my right hand and started giggling.

“That’s childish,” he said scornfully.

“Mikey, go to bed,” I slurred. “It’s late and I’m really not in the mood. Besides… these little annoying speeches are getting old.”

“I’m sorry to hear that that’s the way you feel,” he said in a low voice, leaving.

“I’m not!” I called after him, followed by a hiccup.

*

The next morning I woke up on the bathroom floor, feeling like crap. My head was throbbing, my body ached and I felt sick. I picked myself up off the floor and dragged my body to the kitchen, making myself a cup of coffee. Mikey had called my work and explained the situation, so I still had a day or two more off from work. The house was silent and I assumed that Mikey had already left for work. I didn’t even remember coming home the night before.

The kitchen clock read twenty to twelve, not that this held any significance for me. I put on my pajamas, dragging my body back into the living room area and crashing on the couch in front of the television. Right then it was the only thing I had the strength to do.

Much later that afternoon I heard the door open, but not close. My head popped up from behind the couch to see who it was. For all I knew I was about to be murdered without even realizing it. It was only Mikey and he slammed the door shut as soon as he noticed me. He avoided eye contact and made a beeline for his room. I scrambled to my feet and followed him.

“What are you doing?” I asked when I saw that he was packing his things.

“Packing.”

“Why?” I continued confused.

He stopped what he was doing just long enough to glare at me. “Because, Gerard, unlike you, I listen when you talk to me,” he said harshly. “I get it, I’m annoying.”

“Wha… Mikey.”

“I’m going to bunk with Ray for a while until I get my own place,” he informed me, zipping his bag shut.

“That’s really not necessary…” I started, but he cut me off. “I give up, Gerard. I want to help you, I do, but it’s useless if you don’t want to be helped. I don’t want to leave you alone, in case something bad happens again, but I can’t stand by and watch you throw away your life.”

“So you’d rather watch from a distance?” I asked angrily. “Or are you going to have me committed to a hospital again?”

“You needed help…”

“So you decided to keep me in the hospital??” I nearly shouted.

“If that was the only way, then yes! You would never get help yourself!”

I’ve told both Mikey and Ray a thousand times that I was fine and that I didn’t need help, but they just wouldn’t listen.

“And don’t give me that bullshit that you don’t need help,” he continued before I could respond. “I’ll see you around.”

I followed him to the front door. I didn’t want him to leave, but right now I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to stay.

“Tell Ray I said hi,” I said nonchalantly, like we didn’t just have a major argument.
He nodded and walked down the hallway. I loved having my brother around, but it was great to have the place to myself again; to do whatever I wanted to; to come and go as I pleased. I just hoped that Mikey didn’t hate me.

Notes