You should have never come
Chapter 33
...“Ah, fuck Frankie, ah ah ah!” Drake mimics from the bed.
“And he was moaning too, maybe even louder than her. Weird, but it didn’t even sound fake. So fucked up,” Diego finishes.
Gerard’s POV
“Hey Frank?” I knock on his door, hesitating whether I should just come in, seeing as he isn’t replying and the doors are always unlocked (they don’t let us have keys. The only person who can lock their door is Ballash and some older staff). I feel like after becoming intimate we’ve formed some kind of a bond; much stronger than before. But what if I’m the only one who feels that way?... I am not sure if I want to talk through it. Is losing your virginity always this awkward, or is it just me being weird? I also wonder if my feelings are.. developing too fast, in a way? If I was held at a gun point and was told to tell the truth about my feelings, I'd probably say that I love Frank, without hesitating one bit. But I've known him for about a week, and we've been in a "relationship", if you can call what we have going on one, for like, three days.
Look at our timeline- he kisses me for the first time somewhere in the middle of the third day, and after that we have been "together". The next day we kiss for real- with tongues, and tell each other that we love each other. And then we have sex- the same day. I feel ridiculous, we've gotten from closed lips kiss to me losing my virginity over night. Where is my common sense? Why am I giving in so easily, even though Frank doesn't show me that much affection? It's almost like I'm a toy to him; a toy for two weeks, which accidentally becomes overly-attached to its owner. He is tender and sweet, he really is, and he does tell me that he loves me, but... I feel like if he really cared, he wouldn't let things happen so quickly. He would try to make this right, but instead, he initiates every kiss and every touch, as if trying to speed it up so that I can, after a while, without hesitation fall into bed with him. Maybe he just likes unexperienced, a bit younger sex toys. Also, the Jamia tattoo above his nipple won't let me rest.
Maybe my irresponsibility is just proof that I'm not ready for a relationship.
But days are so long here, it seems like I've been here for a month...
Just as I raise my fist, meaning to knock some more, the door practically flings open, making me step back and revealing still sleepy Frank behind it. His hair is still messy, sticking out at weird angles, and there are dark circles under his eyes, as if he didn't sleep the whole night. He is dressed in his pyjamas- black T-shirt and checkered pants. He observes me for a second, seemingly with no interest whatsoever, before bringing his hand up to his mouth and yawning loudly. He then leans against the doorframe, his eyes still locked on me, running along every inch of my body.
“Hey,” he finally says with a small smile, his voice slightly raspy and quiet, as if he’s scared that someone’s going to hear him, or as if he has caught a cold. “What’s the time?”
“You’re late for breakfast, you know that, right?” I tell him, our eyes meeting as I fumble with my thumbs. My face heats up immediately, and I curse myself inside my head.
He smiles even wider, revealing his teeth before brushing his hand through his hair, throwing the floor a short glance. His motions are slowed down and lazy, almost like he’s still asleep.
“Mhmm, do you think Ballash will let me sleep in?..”
“No,” I reply, a bit too quickly for my liking. I sound awkward as fuck.
“You could join me, y’know… we’d just lie in bed and cuddle..” He yawns again and for a moment I really don’t know what to say. My face heats up even more, burning, and the corridor suddenly becomes hot. I protectively cross my arms on my chest, not even paying it much attention. I want to be closer to Frank, I really do, but it’s just... “would you like that?..” he finishes, his chin high up in the air as he locks eyes with me again.
“Frank, we are already supposed to be downstairs,”
“You’re no fun,” he mumbles before taking a step outside the door frame towards me. His tattooed arm quickly snakes around my waist and he pulls me closer, our chests touching as I press into him. His arms are tight around me, holding me in place, and my own weakly drop by my sides. I close my eyes for a second, feeling his warmth. I decide to not tell him that the guys heard us and even mistook me for a girl; it’s better if he’s oblivious. What if he starts making fun of me for it?...
I also decide to not tell him about any of my worries.
***
“Dude, finally,” Diego says as I sit down next to him at the table. “Where have you been?”
“I lost my toothbrush,” I lie to him, shrugging my shoulders and brushing my hand through my still tangled hair that I didn’t care enough to take care off. In the corner of my eye I notice that I have almost elbowed Diego in the nose- he flinches away from me. “I accidently put it back into my suitcase without realising and couldn’t find it later,” I finish, kind of wishing my elbow did reach him.
“Okay,” Drake says, observing me closely from across the table, and there is an almost undetectable smirk just in the corner of his lip, like a fleck. There is a strange sparkle in his eyes, behind his thick glasses, and I realise what it is when he starts to speak, the smirk enlarging, lifting up his cheeks, which also seem to have grown in the week that we’ve been here. The chips and candy must be taking their toll. “We were just talking about how Frank literally fucked a girl in his hotel room yesterday,” he puffs out. A part of me was expecting this conversation to happen, but I… I hoped I wouldn't have to participate. But it looks like I’m the culprit. To them I am, in a way, a witness, at least to some extent.
The memories of Frank’s sweaty chest pressed to my back as his arms snake around my body and his hips snap forward in a rhythm flood my mind, and I’m pretty sure I look flushed. Generally, I just feel tired and upset- my mind is my own killer. The term "unexperienced sex toy" is stuck in my mind, replaying it over monotonously, just like Google Translate.
I try to look casual and not avert my eyes.
“Shut up, I’m going to tell him,” Diego interrupts just as Drake opens his mouth again. He shuffles on his chair to face me, folding his arms on the table. I prop my chin on my hand in an attempt to look disinterested. “So basically, we all know it was a girl, that’s obvious, you heard it. But look at this: Frank wanted to get it on with a dude from our group, right?”
“What?” I speak, forcing on a nervous smile even though I know exactly what he’s talking about.
“Dude, don’t you remember? When Ballash was shouting at Frank?”
“Ah, yes,” I say, finally averting my eyes to the wooden, cracked surface of the table. There is a faint stain on it from what looks like coffee. It's long and oval shaped. “And?” I raise my eyebrow.
“And? Frank is gay!”
“So?” I make the decision to play dumb.
“Frank is gay and he fucked a girl!” Diego whisper-shouts, his eyes glimmering as if it's the most interesting thing he has ever taken a part in. An investigation of Frank's sexuality.
I stare at him for several seconds, trying to come up with something smart to say.
“Oh my god, I just realised that,” I finally reply, sounding painfully indifferent and my lips twitch nervously. I can’t bring myself to smile. I impulsively start nibbling on my cheek, bringing my hand up to my face, rubbing my lips.
It becomes hard to sit up straight. It feels like they know what really went down and are now teasing me, making fun of me.
“Exactly!” Diego exclaims, and in the corner of my eye I see Drake nodding along to his words, the smirk now completely settled in. Adham (thank god for that) stays completely silent, his long eyelashes flapping like butterfly wings as he stares at us, wide-eyed. I am not sure wether he even knows what’s going on.
“Maybe he’s bi?..” I point out quietly after a pause. I have no will to defend Frank, to be honest.
“Okay, but think about it- if he was bi, he wouldn’t go for a dude from our group. There are so many hot girls, and they are all wearing shorts and tank tops… If you were him, would you go for a hot and usually partially naked girl or just a random teenage guy?”
At this question I turn over my shoulder, desperately seeking for Frank with my eyes. I spot him at the counselors’ table. He doesn’t laugh together with them and doesn’t seem to take any part in the conversation at all. Instead, he just stares blankly at the table in front of him. I have a brief second to wonder about what is going through his head, when the realisation that the guys are still waiting for my response hits me.
“Uh,” I mumble, my brain slightly fuzzy. “Girls. Definitely girls,”
I turn over my shoulder again, and see Frank looking at me, sadly. Our eyes connect for a second before I hurriedly turn back to Diego.
It feels like an invisible barrier, seemingly out of nowhere, has been set between me and Frank. And I hate it. I hate the fact that I don't know where it has come from.
“And he was moaning too, maybe even louder than her. Weird, but it didn’t even sound fake. So fucked up,” Diego finishes.
Gerard’s POV
“Hey Frank?” I knock on his door, hesitating whether I should just come in, seeing as he isn’t replying and the doors are always unlocked (they don’t let us have keys. The only person who can lock their door is Ballash and some older staff). I feel like after becoming intimate we’ve formed some kind of a bond; much stronger than before. But what if I’m the only one who feels that way?... I am not sure if I want to talk through it. Is losing your virginity always this awkward, or is it just me being weird? I also wonder if my feelings are.. developing too fast, in a way? If I was held at a gun point and was told to tell the truth about my feelings, I'd probably say that I love Frank, without hesitating one bit. But I've known him for about a week, and we've been in a "relationship", if you can call what we have going on one, for like, three days.
Look at our timeline- he kisses me for the first time somewhere in the middle of the third day, and after that we have been "together". The next day we kiss for real- with tongues, and tell each other that we love each other. And then we have sex- the same day. I feel ridiculous, we've gotten from closed lips kiss to me losing my virginity over night. Where is my common sense? Why am I giving in so easily, even though Frank doesn't show me that much affection? It's almost like I'm a toy to him; a toy for two weeks, which accidentally becomes overly-attached to its owner. He is tender and sweet, he really is, and he does tell me that he loves me, but... I feel like if he really cared, he wouldn't let things happen so quickly. He would try to make this right, but instead, he initiates every kiss and every touch, as if trying to speed it up so that I can, after a while, without hesitation fall into bed with him. Maybe he just likes unexperienced, a bit younger sex toys. Also, the Jamia tattoo above his nipple won't let me rest.
Maybe my irresponsibility is just proof that I'm not ready for a relationship.
But days are so long here, it seems like I've been here for a month...
Just as I raise my fist, meaning to knock some more, the door practically flings open, making me step back and revealing still sleepy Frank behind it. His hair is still messy, sticking out at weird angles, and there are dark circles under his eyes, as if he didn't sleep the whole night. He is dressed in his pyjamas- black T-shirt and checkered pants. He observes me for a second, seemingly with no interest whatsoever, before bringing his hand up to his mouth and yawning loudly. He then leans against the doorframe, his eyes still locked on me, running along every inch of my body.
“Hey,” he finally says with a small smile, his voice slightly raspy and quiet, as if he’s scared that someone’s going to hear him, or as if he has caught a cold. “What’s the time?”
“You’re late for breakfast, you know that, right?” I tell him, our eyes meeting as I fumble with my thumbs. My face heats up immediately, and I curse myself inside my head.
He smiles even wider, revealing his teeth before brushing his hand through his hair, throwing the floor a short glance. His motions are slowed down and lazy, almost like he’s still asleep.
“Mhmm, do you think Ballash will let me sleep in?..”
“No,” I reply, a bit too quickly for my liking. I sound awkward as fuck.
“You could join me, y’know… we’d just lie in bed and cuddle..” He yawns again and for a moment I really don’t know what to say. My face heats up even more, burning, and the corridor suddenly becomes hot. I protectively cross my arms on my chest, not even paying it much attention. I want to be closer to Frank, I really do, but it’s just... “would you like that?..” he finishes, his chin high up in the air as he locks eyes with me again.
“Frank, we are already supposed to be downstairs,”
“You’re no fun,” he mumbles before taking a step outside the door frame towards me. His tattooed arm quickly snakes around my waist and he pulls me closer, our chests touching as I press into him. His arms are tight around me, holding me in place, and my own weakly drop by my sides. I close my eyes for a second, feeling his warmth. I decide to not tell him that the guys heard us and even mistook me for a girl; it’s better if he’s oblivious. What if he starts making fun of me for it?...
I also decide to not tell him about any of my worries.
***
“Dude, finally,” Diego says as I sit down next to him at the table. “Where have you been?”
“I lost my toothbrush,” I lie to him, shrugging my shoulders and brushing my hand through my still tangled hair that I didn’t care enough to take care off. In the corner of my eye I notice that I have almost elbowed Diego in the nose- he flinches away from me. “I accidently put it back into my suitcase without realising and couldn’t find it later,” I finish, kind of wishing my elbow did reach him.
“Okay,” Drake says, observing me closely from across the table, and there is an almost undetectable smirk just in the corner of his lip, like a fleck. There is a strange sparkle in his eyes, behind his thick glasses, and I realise what it is when he starts to speak, the smirk enlarging, lifting up his cheeks, which also seem to have grown in the week that we’ve been here. The chips and candy must be taking their toll. “We were just talking about how Frank literally fucked a girl in his hotel room yesterday,” he puffs out. A part of me was expecting this conversation to happen, but I… I hoped I wouldn't have to participate. But it looks like I’m the culprit. To them I am, in a way, a witness, at least to some extent.
The memories of Frank’s sweaty chest pressed to my back as his arms snake around my body and his hips snap forward in a rhythm flood my mind, and I’m pretty sure I look flushed. Generally, I just feel tired and upset- my mind is my own killer. The term "unexperienced sex toy" is stuck in my mind, replaying it over monotonously, just like Google Translate.
I try to look casual and not avert my eyes.
“Shut up, I’m going to tell him,” Diego interrupts just as Drake opens his mouth again. He shuffles on his chair to face me, folding his arms on the table. I prop my chin on my hand in an attempt to look disinterested. “So basically, we all know it was a girl, that’s obvious, you heard it. But look at this: Frank wanted to get it on with a dude from our group, right?”
“What?” I speak, forcing on a nervous smile even though I know exactly what he’s talking about.
“Dude, don’t you remember? When Ballash was shouting at Frank?”
“Ah, yes,” I say, finally averting my eyes to the wooden, cracked surface of the table. There is a faint stain on it from what looks like coffee. It's long and oval shaped. “And?” I raise my eyebrow.
“And? Frank is gay!”
“So?” I make the decision to play dumb.
“Frank is gay and he fucked a girl!” Diego whisper-shouts, his eyes glimmering as if it's the most interesting thing he has ever taken a part in. An investigation of Frank's sexuality.
I stare at him for several seconds, trying to come up with something smart to say.
“Oh my god, I just realised that,” I finally reply, sounding painfully indifferent and my lips twitch nervously. I can’t bring myself to smile. I impulsively start nibbling on my cheek, bringing my hand up to my face, rubbing my lips.
It becomes hard to sit up straight. It feels like they know what really went down and are now teasing me, making fun of me.
“Exactly!” Diego exclaims, and in the corner of my eye I see Drake nodding along to his words, the smirk now completely settled in. Adham (thank god for that) stays completely silent, his long eyelashes flapping like butterfly wings as he stares at us, wide-eyed. I am not sure wether he even knows what’s going on.
“Maybe he’s bi?..” I point out quietly after a pause. I have no will to defend Frank, to be honest.
“Okay, but think about it- if he was bi, he wouldn’t go for a dude from our group. There are so many hot girls, and they are all wearing shorts and tank tops… If you were him, would you go for a hot and usually partially naked girl or just a random teenage guy?”
At this question I turn over my shoulder, desperately seeking for Frank with my eyes. I spot him at the counselors’ table. He doesn’t laugh together with them and doesn’t seem to take any part in the conversation at all. Instead, he just stares blankly at the table in front of him. I have a brief second to wonder about what is going through his head, when the realisation that the guys are still waiting for my response hits me.
“Uh,” I mumble, my brain slightly fuzzy. “Girls. Definitely girls,”
I turn over my shoulder again, and see Frank looking at me, sadly. Our eyes connect for a second before I hurriedly turn back to Diego.
It feels like an invisible barrier, seemingly out of nowhere, has been set between me and Frank. And I hate it. I hate the fact that I don't know where it has come from.
Notes
Yo, I'm back
tell me what you think is going on?
This was actually the first fanfiction I ever read. (Hence that was like a year and a half ago)
5/1/17