You should have never come

So, it's been 28 days. 28 days without me updating anything except for one other fanfiction (Through The Cemetery Backyards, in case anyone is interested), and the only reason I wrote a chapter for it is because someone is translating it into Russian and, therefore, is completely relying on me to update it quite frequently (which I seem to be rather bad at).

So, first of all I wanted to apologise to those who are actually reading this story and are interested in what else it has to give. Thank you to all those who are sticking by and are STILL, after so long, leaving comments, pushing me to update, I really, really appreciate it. It feels great to be supported and being told, for once, that you're good at something and that you have at least a small, but still an audience.

I, personally, think that my main problem is the constant need to be reassured that I'm good at what I'm doing, and that it's worth actually spending my time on and is a pleasure to the viewers. Otherwise, I will completely ditch the project, call myself a piece of shit and, on sometimes way-too-frequent occasions, have a major breakdown where all I want to do is literally kill myself because in my mind, I'm a talentless, helpless and just miserable in general. This happens with literally everything I do- from writing to art. I am never sure of myself, everything I do seems disgusting to me. This is just the way I've been raised- I was taught to never praise myself, never say good things about my work and just generally try to not judge my own project. And I guess that completely disabled my ability to judge weather what i do is actually good. I have no way of knowing whether i just underestimate myself or whether I'm actually bad. Compliments never help, I'll always feel like the person is just trying to be nice and is lying. I have a magical, inhuman ability to see mistakes in all my works, and I can never fix them. I really hate myself.

AND IM NOT EVEN IN HIGH SCHOOL YET!

I wish i could just be satisfied with the things i do, but i just can't love myself.

For the past month, I've been working a lot on my art. I've been trying to push and motivate myself, and I work every evening. That's another reason why I haven't been updating- I simply don't have enough time.

Tbh right now I\m really light headed because my blood pressure dropped again, and I have no idea if what I'm writing even makes any sense. I hope it does though, because this stuff is kinda important to me.

Just so you know, I'm not stopping with this fanfiction and I'm not even putting it on hiatus. I've just really been feeling like the quality is going down. I read through it several days ago, and was honestly surprised that anyone wanted to read it in the first place. I do understand that, even though there aren't that many chapters, it's already second-subscribed on this website (if I'm not mistaken; thank you so much guys) which is honestly GREAT. But I can't help but feel like it's one of those fanfictions which everyone feels forced to read. But I promise you guys- not what you are expecting to happen is going to happen. This fanfiction (as well as all my others) are very dear to me, and from what I've read, the plot is kind of one of a kind (which doesn't mean it's good, it's just one of a kind). The new update is almost done and I'm going to post it as soon as possible.

If you want to follow some other stuff that im doing (art for example) you can go check out my insta @gerardwayhatepage


anyways, just stick by guys, and thank you all

Notes