You should have never come
Chapter 20
...“I’m glad I helped,” I say quietly and lean in, pressing a kiss to his lips. His hand shoots up, cradling my cheek. Everything feels so right.
Gerard's POV
I walk down the stairs to the dining where everyone is apparently playing cards, Frank following close behind. His hand is rested on my lower back, and even though I’m enjoying it, I’m kind of scared he won’t have enough time to remove it when we get downstairs. Then, bye bye to my rather good reputation in this camp (not that I’m bragging or anything, but I am doing pretty good so far). It’s probably already been shaken by me fainting out of the blue, so now I need to do something so brave and outrageous so that everyone will remember me as the coolest motherfucker they’ve ever encountered.
Okay, I need to think about my options. I should probably think about what I could do at the dining, since I’m going there right now. So…
Drink several liters of water in one go? Eat a playing card? Break a chair against my knee?
Stab someone in the throat with a knife? No, actually a fork will do better… yes, stab someone in the artery with a fork.
Four holes is better than one, right?
Suddenly a cold breeze hits my back, and I realise that Frank has removed his hand. How much I wish we were alone so that I could hold his hand, hug him or kiss him as much as I want to!
“Go ahead, I’ll come a bit later,” he whispers into my ear from behind and I nod, not turning to look back at him. I continue walking, leaving Frank behind and push the door open. The door creaks treacherously and I take a step in, trying to look straight ahead of me and not make eye contact with anyone
Just as I expected, everyone stops what they are doing and turn to me, their curious eyes piercing into me. Murmurs fill the room, but I don’t pay any attention. They don’t deserve my attention, especially now that I have a little secret that I can savour.
“Gerard’s here… is he in trouble? I heard he fainted…” quiet voices surround me, but as I said, I have no shits to give them.
I spot Diego sitting at a full table in the corner and quickly approach him. There most definitely will be a free place for someone my rank and if there isn’t, someone will have to move.
Stop.
I’m getting caught up in my thoughts. I’m not better than any of them. If anything, I’m worse. What are my talents? Only drawing, and even at that I suck. I can only draw comic book characters, and who needs that nowadays? There are too many good artists in the world, and there’s no point in paying attention to someone like me. I literally have to lie to get people interested in me.
Diego’s eyes meet mine and he smiles widely, shuffling on his chair so that he’s occupying only one half of it. He pats the now free space next to him, gesturing me to sit down. I smile gratefully at him, plopping down on the chair.
“Hey man,” a black haired guy calls to me from across the table, giving me a small wave. He kind of reminds me of Paul Mccartney. His nose, eyes and eyebrows are exactly the same.
“Hey,” I awkwardly smile at him.
“That’s Tom,” Diego cuts in, pointing in the direction of the guy with his chin. The Tom who’s the second most attractive guy here?
I carefully nudge Diego, making him look at me. I silently ask him if thats the Tom, and he mouths a “yeah,”. I nod, looking down at my hands.
“Where were you?” Rodrick asks and I lift my head up at him.
“I kinda fainted,” I confess, but for some reason, it doesn’t seem that embarrassing right now. I don’t even have the will to stab anyone in the throat with a fork anymore or eat a playing card.
“Really?”
“Yeah, I get dizzy often because of low blood pressure,” I continue as if it’s the most normal thing in the universe, propping my chin in my hands.
“That sucks,” Diego says.
“Nah, sometimes it’s nice because I can skip lessons when I’m tired. I tell the nurse I feel like I’m about to black out, and she lets me lie in her office for as long as I want,”
“Now I’m jealous,” Tom cuts in from the other side of the table and I give him a toothy smile. He seems nice, we could become friends. I kind of regret that he doesn’t live in the same room with me.
“You should be,” I sass him and roll my eyes dramatically. Everyone laughs and I do, too.
The conversation goes on, I even get a couple of questions about how does it feel to faint, but I can’t help but throw glances at the door. Frank hasn’t come in yet. Is he outside? It’s still raining like crazy, he’d get soaked after two minutes of being there. I doubt he’s in his room. For some reason it just seems unlikely. All other counselors are here, so I can conclude he went off somewhere.
I know it’s stupid, but I’m starting to feel a bit nervous and worried. Am I being clingy and overprotective or just kind? I hope I’m just sympathetic, not a love crazed psychopath.
But I’ve heard that crazy people don’t know they’re crazy, so what if I’m hallucinating all of this? It kind of makes sense- that’s why Frank likes me. This is all just a big, extremely believable illu…
Suddenly the door bursts open and Frank leaps inside the dining. His clothes and hair are soaked- he was outside, and it looks like he’s been there for a long time. There is not a single dry spot on him. His wet hair is stuck to his forehead, and he’s breathing heavily. He was probably running back to the hotel.
Our eyes hold each other’s for a moment before he looks away and leans towards Ballash, who’s staring at him in amusement, and quietly asks him something. Ballash nods and Frank disappears behind the door once again, shutting it behind him.
I turn away from the door, feeling kind of disappointed that Frank didn’t say anything to me. But what was I expecting? Did I think he was going to smash his lips to mine in the middle of a camp dining and make love to me on the table? No, obviously. I knew that the maximum he could do was to say hi to me or just make a casual student-teacher (or in this fucked up case, camper-counselor) conversation, but in the back of my mind, I still felt offended.
I tuck my long red hair behind my ear and sigh, lying down on the table and using my hands as pillows. I feel tired, so many things happened today, and it’s not even the end of the day yet.
“Hey dude, you okay?” Diego asks after a minute of my relaxation, softly nudging my shoulder.
“Yeah, just tired and kinda sleepy,”
“Are you sure you aren’t going to blackout or anything? I mean, you could go back to the room and rest…”
“No no, I’m good,” I sit up, straightening my back and he shrugs.
***
Narrator’s POV
“But Ballash! It’s raining!”
“I am well aware of that and, as you might have noticed, I do not care,”
“But it’s like a waterfall out there!”
“Take your rain jackets if that’s a problem,” Ballash replied simply, pushing through the crowd of whiny teenagers who clung onto him.
“Why isn’t elementary group going?”
“Wouldn’t you feel sorry for the kids?” the counselor says in a serious tone, but his eyes are glittering with a smile.
“No!” the teens chorused their reply.
‘Then you are heartless,” Ballash concluded with a short laugh. “I want everyone to be back downstairs in no more than ten minutes all ready for a long, cold wet evening in the field,” he looked around the crowd, pulling on the face expression of a winner. “And if you aren’t here in ten minutes we’ll…” he pauses, thinking of a punishment good enough for such a horrible crime. “Those who are late will be dipped into the pool on our way back from the field,”
The teenagers immediately dashed up the stairs into their rooms, roughly pushing each other into the brick walls.
When everyone was ready for a “long, cold wet evening in the field” Ballash called Frank up, who has been awkwardly fumbling with his thumbs since he came back from upstairs (dry and fresh, or course; he had no idea he was changing just to get soaked again,) and instructed him to leade the kids and make them do something fun. Frank didn’t seem too enthusiastic about it though, but had no choice. Apparently Ballash had some “more important business to do” (meaning he just successfully avoided a rather unpleasant trip to the outside), and he couldn’t postpone it.
Frank sighed heavily, looking over the teenagers in front of him. His eyes locked with Gerard’s for a moment, and the boy noticed the counselor’s lip twitch in a smile.
Frank didn’t know what it was about the boy, but his heart ached in an odd, painful pleasure every time his eyes caught a glimpse of his red hair or his pale, angelic face. Being in love wasn’t really Frank’s thing- he was more into one night stands. Just sex, no responsibilities whatsoever, pure physical enjoyment. He never crushed on anyone, and by the time he was sitting on a plane to Austria, he was convinced that he was a new generation human, incapable to feel. Why not? It’s 2015, after all, it only makes sense if the evolution takes the upper hand and finally gets the humanity rid of love and the pain that usually follows it. Not the pleasurable kind of pain though. Just dull, bitter pain when you have no idea what to do with your life, and the only thing there is left is to think about how nice it would be to die of a heart attack and googling “how to get a stage 7 cancer quick”, no matter how bad it sounds.
Frank thought about cancer a lot, actually. In his lowest moments, his whole heart wished he was suddenly diagnosed with it. Then he’d have just a week to live, and he’d then see what people really thought of him. Nothing good probably, he realised that. Of course, he’d get their pity, there was no doubt about that, but he wanted to see if anyone really cared. He wanted to see if he was the only one who’s not capable of feeling real love and had no butterflies in his stomach. After a major breakdown he finally concluded that for him, wishing he had cancer was just unfair- it sounded enticing to him because he couldn’t really imagine it. He thought he’d feel happy if he was diagnosed with it, but in the back of his mind he knew that his real reaction would be far, far from tears of happiness.
This is the reason why his feelings for Gerard were so unfamiliar to him. He amused and intrigued himself. The butterflies were suddenly born in his stomach and were now raging, mindlessly flapping their beautiful little wings. He didn’t want to fuck Gerard’s brains out- he only wanted to be there for him. For the boy with the firetruck red hair, he was ready to become anything: a pillow to snuggle into, a shoulder to cry onto and a fence to protect him from the cruelty of the world. If Gerard requested, Frank would kill himself without hesitation. If Gerard asked Frank to take on the blame for a murder, Frank would immediately turn himself in. He’d walk through fire if it meant seeing the pale boy happy and laughing. In all honestly, Frank really doubted it was his first time feeling that way, but it didn't matter to him. He was convinced he was in love, and simply didn't pay any attention to the fact that they've known each other for just a couple of days.
Maybe that's the way Frank felt every time before another mindless hookup- he didn't care.
How much he wished he saw Gerard’s mesmerising smile more often! Gerard did smile and laugh a lot, but those weren’t real smiles, Frank could tell. The boy acted happy for a show, trying to fit in so desperately it made Frank’s heart ache with pity. No one else seemed to notice Gee’s struggles though. It was his and Frank’s little secret, except Frank wasn’t supposed to know about it either.
Affection based on pity.
His eyes locked with Gerard’s and a smile tried to creep onto his face once again, so he forced himself to look away. He knew that what he was doing was wrong to some extent, even though he was just 19 and only two years older than the boy, but he didn’t regret a single second he spent with the angelic creature back in the room. Frank was convinced that the kiss they shared was the best kiss in his life, even though it was just their lips pressed to each other, not moving. No tongue, no grinding or any other type of friction- just Frank caressing Gerard’s long, soft hair which seems to never get greasy, his other hand placed on the boy’s cheek as they lied together in complete silence. He thought about straddling Gerard’s hips, but decided against it, so he just sat over him like a crow sits over it's prey.
The greatest moment of his whole life, he decided.
Gerard's POV
I walk down the stairs to the dining where everyone is apparently playing cards, Frank following close behind. His hand is rested on my lower back, and even though I’m enjoying it, I’m kind of scared he won’t have enough time to remove it when we get downstairs. Then, bye bye to my rather good reputation in this camp (not that I’m bragging or anything, but I am doing pretty good so far). It’s probably already been shaken by me fainting out of the blue, so now I need to do something so brave and outrageous so that everyone will remember me as the coolest motherfucker they’ve ever encountered.
Okay, I need to think about my options. I should probably think about what I could do at the dining, since I’m going there right now. So…
Drink several liters of water in one go? Eat a playing card? Break a chair against my knee?
Stab someone in the throat with a knife? No, actually a fork will do better… yes, stab someone in the artery with a fork.
Four holes is better than one, right?
Suddenly a cold breeze hits my back, and I realise that Frank has removed his hand. How much I wish we were alone so that I could hold his hand, hug him or kiss him as much as I want to!
“Go ahead, I’ll come a bit later,” he whispers into my ear from behind and I nod, not turning to look back at him. I continue walking, leaving Frank behind and push the door open. The door creaks treacherously and I take a step in, trying to look straight ahead of me and not make eye contact with anyone
Just as I expected, everyone stops what they are doing and turn to me, their curious eyes piercing into me. Murmurs fill the room, but I don’t pay any attention. They don’t deserve my attention, especially now that I have a little secret that I can savour.
“Gerard’s here… is he in trouble? I heard he fainted…” quiet voices surround me, but as I said, I have no shits to give them.
I spot Diego sitting at a full table in the corner and quickly approach him. There most definitely will be a free place for someone my rank and if there isn’t, someone will have to move.
Stop.
I’m getting caught up in my thoughts. I’m not better than any of them. If anything, I’m worse. What are my talents? Only drawing, and even at that I suck. I can only draw comic book characters, and who needs that nowadays? There are too many good artists in the world, and there’s no point in paying attention to someone like me. I literally have to lie to get people interested in me.
Diego’s eyes meet mine and he smiles widely, shuffling on his chair so that he’s occupying only one half of it. He pats the now free space next to him, gesturing me to sit down. I smile gratefully at him, plopping down on the chair.
“Hey man,” a black haired guy calls to me from across the table, giving me a small wave. He kind of reminds me of Paul Mccartney. His nose, eyes and eyebrows are exactly the same.
“Hey,” I awkwardly smile at him.
“That’s Tom,” Diego cuts in, pointing in the direction of the guy with his chin. The Tom who’s the second most attractive guy here?
I carefully nudge Diego, making him look at me. I silently ask him if thats the Tom, and he mouths a “yeah,”. I nod, looking down at my hands.
“Where were you?” Rodrick asks and I lift my head up at him.
“I kinda fainted,” I confess, but for some reason, it doesn’t seem that embarrassing right now. I don’t even have the will to stab anyone in the throat with a fork anymore or eat a playing card.
“Really?”
“Yeah, I get dizzy often because of low blood pressure,” I continue as if it’s the most normal thing in the universe, propping my chin in my hands.
“That sucks,” Diego says.
“Nah, sometimes it’s nice because I can skip lessons when I’m tired. I tell the nurse I feel like I’m about to black out, and she lets me lie in her office for as long as I want,”
“Now I’m jealous,” Tom cuts in from the other side of the table and I give him a toothy smile. He seems nice, we could become friends. I kind of regret that he doesn’t live in the same room with me.
“You should be,” I sass him and roll my eyes dramatically. Everyone laughs and I do, too.
The conversation goes on, I even get a couple of questions about how does it feel to faint, but I can’t help but throw glances at the door. Frank hasn’t come in yet. Is he outside? It’s still raining like crazy, he’d get soaked after two minutes of being there. I doubt he’s in his room. For some reason it just seems unlikely. All other counselors are here, so I can conclude he went off somewhere.
I know it’s stupid, but I’m starting to feel a bit nervous and worried. Am I being clingy and overprotective or just kind? I hope I’m just sympathetic, not a love crazed psychopath.
But I’ve heard that crazy people don’t know they’re crazy, so what if I’m hallucinating all of this? It kind of makes sense- that’s why Frank likes me. This is all just a big, extremely believable illu…
Suddenly the door bursts open and Frank leaps inside the dining. His clothes and hair are soaked- he was outside, and it looks like he’s been there for a long time. There is not a single dry spot on him. His wet hair is stuck to his forehead, and he’s breathing heavily. He was probably running back to the hotel.
Our eyes hold each other’s for a moment before he looks away and leans towards Ballash, who’s staring at him in amusement, and quietly asks him something. Ballash nods and Frank disappears behind the door once again, shutting it behind him.
I turn away from the door, feeling kind of disappointed that Frank didn’t say anything to me. But what was I expecting? Did I think he was going to smash his lips to mine in the middle of a camp dining and make love to me on the table? No, obviously. I knew that the maximum he could do was to say hi to me or just make a casual student-teacher (or in this fucked up case, camper-counselor) conversation, but in the back of my mind, I still felt offended.
I tuck my long red hair behind my ear and sigh, lying down on the table and using my hands as pillows. I feel tired, so many things happened today, and it’s not even the end of the day yet.
“Hey dude, you okay?” Diego asks after a minute of my relaxation, softly nudging my shoulder.
“Yeah, just tired and kinda sleepy,”
“Are you sure you aren’t going to blackout or anything? I mean, you could go back to the room and rest…”
“No no, I’m good,” I sit up, straightening my back and he shrugs.
***
Narrator’s POV
“But Ballash! It’s raining!”
“I am well aware of that and, as you might have noticed, I do not care,”
“But it’s like a waterfall out there!”
“Take your rain jackets if that’s a problem,” Ballash replied simply, pushing through the crowd of whiny teenagers who clung onto him.
“Why isn’t elementary group going?”
“Wouldn’t you feel sorry for the kids?” the counselor says in a serious tone, but his eyes are glittering with a smile.
“No!” the teens chorused their reply.
‘Then you are heartless,” Ballash concluded with a short laugh. “I want everyone to be back downstairs in no more than ten minutes all ready for a long, cold wet evening in the field,” he looked around the crowd, pulling on the face expression of a winner. “And if you aren’t here in ten minutes we’ll…” he pauses, thinking of a punishment good enough for such a horrible crime. “Those who are late will be dipped into the pool on our way back from the field,”
The teenagers immediately dashed up the stairs into their rooms, roughly pushing each other into the brick walls.
When everyone was ready for a “long, cold wet evening in the field” Ballash called Frank up, who has been awkwardly fumbling with his thumbs since he came back from upstairs (dry and fresh, or course; he had no idea he was changing just to get soaked again,) and instructed him to leade the kids and make them do something fun. Frank didn’t seem too enthusiastic about it though, but had no choice. Apparently Ballash had some “more important business to do” (meaning he just successfully avoided a rather unpleasant trip to the outside), and he couldn’t postpone it.
Frank sighed heavily, looking over the teenagers in front of him. His eyes locked with Gerard’s for a moment, and the boy noticed the counselor’s lip twitch in a smile.
Frank didn’t know what it was about the boy, but his heart ached in an odd, painful pleasure every time his eyes caught a glimpse of his red hair or his pale, angelic face. Being in love wasn’t really Frank’s thing- he was more into one night stands. Just sex, no responsibilities whatsoever, pure physical enjoyment. He never crushed on anyone, and by the time he was sitting on a plane to Austria, he was convinced that he was a new generation human, incapable to feel. Why not? It’s 2015, after all, it only makes sense if the evolution takes the upper hand and finally gets the humanity rid of love and the pain that usually follows it. Not the pleasurable kind of pain though. Just dull, bitter pain when you have no idea what to do with your life, and the only thing there is left is to think about how nice it would be to die of a heart attack and googling “how to get a stage 7 cancer quick”, no matter how bad it sounds.
Frank thought about cancer a lot, actually. In his lowest moments, his whole heart wished he was suddenly diagnosed with it. Then he’d have just a week to live, and he’d then see what people really thought of him. Nothing good probably, he realised that. Of course, he’d get their pity, there was no doubt about that, but he wanted to see if anyone really cared. He wanted to see if he was the only one who’s not capable of feeling real love and had no butterflies in his stomach. After a major breakdown he finally concluded that for him, wishing he had cancer was just unfair- it sounded enticing to him because he couldn’t really imagine it. He thought he’d feel happy if he was diagnosed with it, but in the back of his mind he knew that his real reaction would be far, far from tears of happiness.
This is the reason why his feelings for Gerard were so unfamiliar to him. He amused and intrigued himself. The butterflies were suddenly born in his stomach and were now raging, mindlessly flapping their beautiful little wings. He didn’t want to fuck Gerard’s brains out- he only wanted to be there for him. For the boy with the firetruck red hair, he was ready to become anything: a pillow to snuggle into, a shoulder to cry onto and a fence to protect him from the cruelty of the world. If Gerard requested, Frank would kill himself without hesitation. If Gerard asked Frank to take on the blame for a murder, Frank would immediately turn himself in. He’d walk through fire if it meant seeing the pale boy happy and laughing. In all honestly, Frank really doubted it was his first time feeling that way, but it didn't matter to him. He was convinced he was in love, and simply didn't pay any attention to the fact that they've known each other for just a couple of days.
Maybe that's the way Frank felt every time before another mindless hookup- he didn't care.
How much he wished he saw Gerard’s mesmerising smile more often! Gerard did smile and laugh a lot, but those weren’t real smiles, Frank could tell. The boy acted happy for a show, trying to fit in so desperately it made Frank’s heart ache with pity. No one else seemed to notice Gee’s struggles though. It was his and Frank’s little secret, except Frank wasn’t supposed to know about it either.
Affection based on pity.
His eyes locked with Gerard’s and a smile tried to creep onto his face once again, so he forced himself to look away. He knew that what he was doing was wrong to some extent, even though he was just 19 and only two years older than the boy, but he didn’t regret a single second he spent with the angelic creature back in the room. Frank was convinced that the kiss they shared was the best kiss in his life, even though it was just their lips pressed to each other, not moving. No tongue, no grinding or any other type of friction- just Frank caressing Gerard’s long, soft hair which seems to never get greasy, his other hand placed on the boy’s cheek as they lied together in complete silence. He thought about straddling Gerard’s hips, but decided against it, so he just sat over him like a crow sits over it's prey.
The greatest moment of his whole life, he decided.
Notes
Chapter 20 and this has 120 subscribers! thank you so much guys, it feels so good when your talents (well tbh I do as a matter of fact consider writing one of my talents so yeah) are appreciated by REAL PEOPLE
honestly this is so great, thank you all for keeping up)
the best is still ahead though :3
I do have one lil question for u tho... what demon should I sell my soul to to get all of you to rate this story??
PS. my friend is writing a story on here and today she told me her whole plot line and GUYS IT'S GOING TO BE JUST GREEEAATT SO MANY FEELS, and since I don't want any of you to miss a great experience here ya go:
http://www.mychemicalromancefanfiction.com/Story/56615/If-I-fall-youll-catch-me-right-frerard/
Anywaysssssssss *turns into a snake and leaves*
This was actually the first fanfiction I ever read. (Hence that was like a year and a half ago)
5/1/17