Teenagers
Thinking Of The Past
Mom and dad’s place is quite horrible. It’s so silent and tense. There’s nothing to do, nothing to say. They did an excellent job on hiding the huge crack splitting the family in two.
There are family photos on the walls, old photos. Photos from when Gerard and I were young and innocent. Photos from before we were exposed to the real world. Before we were thrust into the unfairness of this cruel world.
The walls of my generously sized bedroom are all white. They are all empty, just like I was before I left this place. Luckily Gerard was observant enough to see that I was dying here. Slowly becoming something I was not. Slowly becoming normal, like everyone else. The world is so evil and judgmental sometimes. I was so afraid of sticking out, that I’d rather be nothing.
Luckily Gerard saved me. He showed me that there are decent people out there, people who don’t judge you for wearing slim fit jeans or all black, people who actually don’t give a shit, people who couldn’t care less about what you’re wearing, people like Frank and Ray. Too bad I’m so fucking awkward.
”Mom, dad, I’m gay.” My voice trembles, as I force it out, words choking me on the way up. My head is burning and it feels like it’s ready to explode.
Gerard has known for a while now. He’s fine with it. My parents on the other hand…
“No you’re not.” Dad laughs, shaking his head. His eyes masking a fright I’ve never seen before. A fright you only see in movies.
“You’re just young and confused.” My mom says, quickly brushing the subject under the carpet, ready to leave it there for the rest of her life. The problem with that is that sooner or later someone will trip and fall. I don’t want that to be me. This time I’m not the one who’s going to end up hurt. “Okay, fine. I am young, but I’m not confused.” I blurt out, disgusted and hurt.
“That’s what you think Mikey. Soon you’ll find a beautiful young girl who makes you see things differently.” Mom’s soft, confident voice aggravates me. Dad just sits in his chair in the corner of our overly cleaned living room, staring at the cold wooden floor in front of his feet. “What have I done wrong?!” he slyly whispers, my insides turning and knotting in repulsion.
I’ve just been hanging around my house all day, reading some of my old comic books. I mean what else is there to do around here? I have no friends, no computer, no TV and no place to go. In one way I can’t wait for school to start tomorrow. I can’t wait to get out of this hell hole, this pit of depression if only for a few hours.
”THEY SAID WHAT!?” Gerard furiously exclaims. I can’t stick up for myself, but he sure knows how to. He’s been doing it all his life; fighting for both his and my right to be who we are. People usually respect him for that. But this, this was the last straw. Gerard rushes out of the room leaving me in a haze of shock and confusion.
This scares me so much. I’m horrified. What will they do to us, our parents I mean? All I can hear are raised voices until suddenly all is silent.
Gerard bursts through my bedroom door. I’ve never seen him this pissed off. “Pack up.” He quickly says, pointing in the direction of my closet. “We’re going to live with grandma.” He’s stressed, awfully stressed. If I could do something to calm him down, I would. “but..” before I have the time to say anything else I am interrupted by his aggravated voice. “Just do it, Mikey; unless you want to stay here alone with mom and dad.” Well I guess that settles it then. Off to grandmas we go.
Living with grandma wasn’t all bad. It could get a bit dull at times, and she didn’t care for our cursing, but other than that I quite liked it. She was always warm and accepting. She didn’t care about how we dressed, or our sexual orientation. We were still the same kids we always had been. Oh, and the food. The food was great. She was such a beautiful, kind spirited person. Man, do I miss her.
The door slams shut. I run around the house gathering all the meds I can find, knocking over photos and furniture on the way. I've gone mad. There is a familiar voice coming from outside. “Mikey! MIKEY!” I hysterically tug the bathroom door open, making sure to quickly lock it behind me.
The funeral was horrible. Not in a “they didn't do a good job” sense of the word though, rather in a “Devastating, couldn’t stop crying” sort of way.
Seeing her that one last time, knowing that she couldn't hear a word of what I was saying. Knowing that even though her body was there, she wasn’t.
Later seeing her slowly, being lowered into the ground and being buried in soil, before disappearing completely. Becoming one with the earth, like she never existed. I broke. I ran; as fast as I could, as far as I could. I ran to her, or should I say, our, old house.
The house where I’d been saved. Saved from a life of nothingness, saved from my past, and saved from my parents. I still remember the nights when she fought for me over the phone. She protected me the way Gerard protects me now. She protected me from my own parents.
”MIKEY! Mikey, don’t! MIKEY, OPEN UP THE DOOR THIS INSTANT!” Gerard screams breathlessly. He sounds terrified, but I can't do anything about it. There’s nothing left to live for now.
“Gerard, don’t even bother. I’ll be with her soon.” I cry. I don’t want to say good bye to him, but I can’t take it anymore. I open one of the pill containers and start shoving them in my mouth, one after the other. Slowly swallowing them, gaging on some. Gerard is pounding desperately on the door. “MIKEY PLEASE!”
The room starts spinning now, and I’m getting woozy. Every movement gets more tiring, until I finally am trapped in my own skin. Exhaustion creeps up on me. I can hardly keep my heavy eyelids open anymore. I finally let go.
My head falls backwards, hitting the wall with a loud bang. So this is what dying feels like. It’s colder than I expected. I’m in a haze, drifting in and out of consciousness. It’s so quiet. It's so peaceful.
There is a blurred blob moving in front of me; hurrying back and forth. It lifts me up, to a sitting position, but I can’t feel a thing. There is no warmth where it is holding me, no tension. What is it? Is it an angel? Is it taking me to heaven? Why is it dressed in black?
Suddenly the angel is right up in my face. I can see a bit clearer now. It has a pointy nose, and greenish eyes. Oh how beautiful those eyes are. Wait a second, I know those eyes. Those are Gerard’s eyes. Gerard! It’s Gerard!
Gerard forces his finger down my throat, causing a pool of vomit to form on my lap. “Sorry.” He mouths, hugging me tightly as I think I hear muted sirens in the distance.
This is my first week back in my childhood home, and I'm already sick of it. Gerard still hasn't called me back, and I'm getting way to nostalgic and depressed.
There are family photos on the walls, old photos. Photos from when Gerard and I were young and innocent. Photos from before we were exposed to the real world. Before we were thrust into the unfairness of this cruel world.
The walls of my generously sized bedroom are all white. They are all empty, just like I was before I left this place. Luckily Gerard was observant enough to see that I was dying here. Slowly becoming something I was not. Slowly becoming normal, like everyone else. The world is so evil and judgmental sometimes. I was so afraid of sticking out, that I’d rather be nothing.
Luckily Gerard saved me. He showed me that there are decent people out there, people who don’t judge you for wearing slim fit jeans or all black, people who actually don’t give a shit, people who couldn’t care less about what you’re wearing, people like Frank and Ray. Too bad I’m so fucking awkward.
”Mom, dad, I’m gay.” My voice trembles, as I force it out, words choking me on the way up. My head is burning and it feels like it’s ready to explode.
Gerard has known for a while now. He’s fine with it. My parents on the other hand…
“No you’re not.” Dad laughs, shaking his head. His eyes masking a fright I’ve never seen before. A fright you only see in movies.
“You’re just young and confused.” My mom says, quickly brushing the subject under the carpet, ready to leave it there for the rest of her life. The problem with that is that sooner or later someone will trip and fall. I don’t want that to be me. This time I’m not the one who’s going to end up hurt. “Okay, fine. I am young, but I’m not confused.” I blurt out, disgusted and hurt.
“That’s what you think Mikey. Soon you’ll find a beautiful young girl who makes you see things differently.” Mom’s soft, confident voice aggravates me. Dad just sits in his chair in the corner of our overly cleaned living room, staring at the cold wooden floor in front of his feet. “What have I done wrong?!” he slyly whispers, my insides turning and knotting in repulsion.
I’ve just been hanging around my house all day, reading some of my old comic books. I mean what else is there to do around here? I have no friends, no computer, no TV and no place to go. In one way I can’t wait for school to start tomorrow. I can’t wait to get out of this hell hole, this pit of depression if only for a few hours.
”THEY SAID WHAT!?” Gerard furiously exclaims. I can’t stick up for myself, but he sure knows how to. He’s been doing it all his life; fighting for both his and my right to be who we are. People usually respect him for that. But this, this was the last straw. Gerard rushes out of the room leaving me in a haze of shock and confusion.
This scares me so much. I’m horrified. What will they do to us, our parents I mean? All I can hear are raised voices until suddenly all is silent.
Gerard bursts through my bedroom door. I’ve never seen him this pissed off. “Pack up.” He quickly says, pointing in the direction of my closet. “We’re going to live with grandma.” He’s stressed, awfully stressed. If I could do something to calm him down, I would. “but..” before I have the time to say anything else I am interrupted by his aggravated voice. “Just do it, Mikey; unless you want to stay here alone with mom and dad.” Well I guess that settles it then. Off to grandmas we go.
Living with grandma wasn’t all bad. It could get a bit dull at times, and she didn’t care for our cursing, but other than that I quite liked it. She was always warm and accepting. She didn’t care about how we dressed, or our sexual orientation. We were still the same kids we always had been. Oh, and the food. The food was great. She was such a beautiful, kind spirited person. Man, do I miss her.
The door slams shut. I run around the house gathering all the meds I can find, knocking over photos and furniture on the way. I've gone mad. There is a familiar voice coming from outside. “Mikey! MIKEY!” I hysterically tug the bathroom door open, making sure to quickly lock it behind me.
The funeral was horrible. Not in a “they didn't do a good job” sense of the word though, rather in a “Devastating, couldn’t stop crying” sort of way.
Seeing her that one last time, knowing that she couldn't hear a word of what I was saying. Knowing that even though her body was there, she wasn’t.
Later seeing her slowly, being lowered into the ground and being buried in soil, before disappearing completely. Becoming one with the earth, like she never existed. I broke. I ran; as fast as I could, as far as I could. I ran to her, or should I say, our, old house.
The house where I’d been saved. Saved from a life of nothingness, saved from my past, and saved from my parents. I still remember the nights when she fought for me over the phone. She protected me the way Gerard protects me now. She protected me from my own parents.
”MIKEY! Mikey, don’t! MIKEY, OPEN UP THE DOOR THIS INSTANT!” Gerard screams breathlessly. He sounds terrified, but I can't do anything about it. There’s nothing left to live for now.
“Gerard, don’t even bother. I’ll be with her soon.” I cry. I don’t want to say good bye to him, but I can’t take it anymore. I open one of the pill containers and start shoving them in my mouth, one after the other. Slowly swallowing them, gaging on some. Gerard is pounding desperately on the door. “MIKEY PLEASE!”
The room starts spinning now, and I’m getting woozy. Every movement gets more tiring, until I finally am trapped in my own skin. Exhaustion creeps up on me. I can hardly keep my heavy eyelids open anymore. I finally let go.
My head falls backwards, hitting the wall with a loud bang. So this is what dying feels like. It’s colder than I expected. I’m in a haze, drifting in and out of consciousness. It’s so quiet. It's so peaceful.
There is a blurred blob moving in front of me; hurrying back and forth. It lifts me up, to a sitting position, but I can’t feel a thing. There is no warmth where it is holding me, no tension. What is it? Is it an angel? Is it taking me to heaven? Why is it dressed in black?
Suddenly the angel is right up in my face. I can see a bit clearer now. It has a pointy nose, and greenish eyes. Oh how beautiful those eyes are. Wait a second, I know those eyes. Those are Gerard’s eyes. Gerard! It’s Gerard!
Gerard forces his finger down my throat, causing a pool of vomit to form on my lap. “Sorry.” He mouths, hugging me tightly as I think I hear muted sirens in the distance.
This is my first week back in my childhood home, and I'm already sick of it. Gerard still hasn't called me back, and I'm getting way to nostalgic and depressed.
11/2/13