Teenagers
Not Dead Yet
“It’s not the end of the world” Gerard states, deeply inhaling the smoke from his cigarette before slowly letting it flow out of his mouth and nose.
It may not seem so to him, but to me on the other hand.... Well let's just say it won't be easy....
The way the sun is colliding with the mountains in the distance is enough to make me tear up. There are so many different shades of red and yellow in the sky this evening. It’s almost as if the sky has caught fire. Now would be the perfect time for it to do so. If the world was to end, I’d want it to end tonight, quickly and painlessly.
This is my last day living with Gerard. This is my last night in this house. He has decided to go to art school, and he’s leaving me behind, alone. Everything is packed and ready and he’s leaving tomorrow.
I’ll have to go back to mom and dad. What will I say? I haven’t seen or heard from them in years. What does one say when there is nothing left to be said? I’ll have to go back to everything I was so pleased to leave in the past. “Yeah,” I smirk, trying to hide the shakiness of my voice, but failing miserably. “that’s what you think.”
Gee looks broken. He looks tired. He’s been this way ever since he told me he was leaving. “Please don’t do this again Mikey.” I’ve been staring at him all evening, but he can’t even look at me for more than a couple of seconds. When he does, he looks repulsed.
I’m sitting on the cold, stone railing of the steps out to the porch; He’s sitting as far away as possible. I hate that this is how it has to end, that this is how our last night together is going to be. “You’re stronger than you were back then. I need to live my own life now, baby brother.” Gee says, shifting his gaze from his shoes to the mountains. He sounds frustrated; Kind of distant. It’s cold out, for summer weather that is. That's fine though, I like cold. So does Gerard.
Birds chirp as the sun melts into the earth, disappearing completely, the moon taking its place as the only big, shining object in the sky. Gee and I have been sitting here, in this uncomfortable silence for way to long now.
My eyes drift from Gerard to the shadows in the horizon that once were mountains. What if there is a world out there, beyond this lonely hell I’m living in. What if there is a place out there where I fit in, where I feel comfortable.
I take a quick glance at Gee; he’s looking at me now, a suspicious grin on his face. “There is something beyond this you know.” His words comfort me. It’s almost as if he knows what I’m thinking. “You just need time to find it, Mikes” he reassures, yawning and stretching his arms and legs, my eyes slowly wandering back to the mountains.
Gee always knows what to say. “I sure hope so.” I’m the opposite. There’s a warm, soft hand on my shoulder. Gerard sits down next to me, shaking his jet black hair away from his greenish eyes. He grabs me, pulling me in and hugging me tightly. “I promise.”
I just kind of sit there, incapable of moving, unable to think, numb, staring off into the darkness. He notices how unresponsive I am, and slowly pulls away. “Mikes, please don’t shut down again. I need you; I just don’t need you with me.”
It hurts, knowing that you need someone more than they need you. My entire being is shaking now. The bitter feel of betrayal creeps in to my chest, like a sly snake, making my heart thump louder and louder, until it’s all I can hear.
“BUT I NEED YOU! WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I CAN’T SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU?” I scream, breaking the ear wrenching silence. Gee breaks down, weeping. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I never wanted to hurt him; it just always comes out wrong. I just wanted to make my point. Why can’t I ever do anything right?
I lean over trying to pat Gerard’s shoulder, but he quickly pushes me off, covers his face with his strong hands, and runs inside. A door slams before I even have time to get up. Fuck.
“Gee, I didn’t mean to upset you.” I cry. The bathroom door is bolted shut; I can hear Gerard’s heartbreaking sobs inside. “I’m sorry.” I scream. There’s no response. Back against the door, I slowly slide down, ready to sit here all night if I have to.
“I just love you, that’s all.” I mumble.
“I love you too, so much. I don’t want to leave you Mikes, why can’t you see that? You’re making this so much harder!” He replies, voice cracking and trembling.
“I need this! I need to follow my dream, and find myself. You’re being so selfish. I can’t save you.” I guess he’s right, about the selfish part that is. He’s been taking care of me this past year, and I’ve been way too dependent on him. He’s only 19; he shouldn't have to bear the responsibility of taking care of a 16 year old on his shoulders.
I really have been hurting him, so much. I’ve just decided to ignore it. He deserves a break. “I know.” I whisper. The door suddenly flings open, Gerard pouncing out, picking me up off the floor, forcing me up against the wall. “You just said “I know.”” He smiles.
“And?” I wonder.
“If you know that I can’t save you then what are you still doing here? If I’m not the one who has been keeping you alive, than who has? You, baby brother, you have.” He’s laughing now, like he knows something I don’t. I don’t really understand what he’s implying, but I can’t help but be happy when I see Gee this way.
****************************
“It’s not like I’m leaving forever.” Gerard promises. It seems like he needs his comforting more than I do. “I’ll be back next summer.” Next summer, that’s almost a whole year without him. “I know.” I nervously giggle. It’s weird to think that the next time I see him; both he and I will be one year older.
The house is so empty. The moving truck has already been here, and the only things left are Gerard’s carryon bag and suitcases and my bags upstairs. “The taxi will be here to pick you up in a half an hour.” He’s tearing up now. “Ok.” I say, choked up. I clear my throat as I pull him in, squeezing him one last time before he leaves. Neither of us can stop the tears now. He wraps his arms around my hips quickly lifting me off the ground.
We stand here, holding each other, crying, for what seems like forever.
I jump at the sound of the taxy guy beeping the horn outside. Gerard pulls away, lifting his bags up off the cold wooden floor, and rushes out the door leaving me speechless, empty and cold. The shock hits me like a ton of bricks.
I hurry out the door, waving both my hands in the air, looking like a crazy person and not caring. I chase the car out of the driveway and as far as I can, but eventually, it picks up speed.
I see Gerard through the rear window waving one last time, tears streaming down his face, before they disappear around a corner. I’m left with the odd feeling of accomplishment. I'm not dead yet.
It may not seem so to him, but to me on the other hand.... Well let's just say it won't be easy....
The way the sun is colliding with the mountains in the distance is enough to make me tear up. There are so many different shades of red and yellow in the sky this evening. It’s almost as if the sky has caught fire. Now would be the perfect time for it to do so. If the world was to end, I’d want it to end tonight, quickly and painlessly.
This is my last day living with Gerard. This is my last night in this house. He has decided to go to art school, and he’s leaving me behind, alone. Everything is packed and ready and he’s leaving tomorrow.
I’ll have to go back to mom and dad. What will I say? I haven’t seen or heard from them in years. What does one say when there is nothing left to be said? I’ll have to go back to everything I was so pleased to leave in the past. “Yeah,” I smirk, trying to hide the shakiness of my voice, but failing miserably. “that’s what you think.”
Gee looks broken. He looks tired. He’s been this way ever since he told me he was leaving. “Please don’t do this again Mikey.” I’ve been staring at him all evening, but he can’t even look at me for more than a couple of seconds. When he does, he looks repulsed.
I’m sitting on the cold, stone railing of the steps out to the porch; He’s sitting as far away as possible. I hate that this is how it has to end, that this is how our last night together is going to be. “You’re stronger than you were back then. I need to live my own life now, baby brother.” Gee says, shifting his gaze from his shoes to the mountains. He sounds frustrated; Kind of distant. It’s cold out, for summer weather that is. That's fine though, I like cold. So does Gerard.
Birds chirp as the sun melts into the earth, disappearing completely, the moon taking its place as the only big, shining object in the sky. Gee and I have been sitting here, in this uncomfortable silence for way to long now.
My eyes drift from Gerard to the shadows in the horizon that once were mountains. What if there is a world out there, beyond this lonely hell I’m living in. What if there is a place out there where I fit in, where I feel comfortable.
I take a quick glance at Gee; he’s looking at me now, a suspicious grin on his face. “There is something beyond this you know.” His words comfort me. It’s almost as if he knows what I’m thinking. “You just need time to find it, Mikes” he reassures, yawning and stretching his arms and legs, my eyes slowly wandering back to the mountains.
Gee always knows what to say. “I sure hope so.” I’m the opposite. There’s a warm, soft hand on my shoulder. Gerard sits down next to me, shaking his jet black hair away from his greenish eyes. He grabs me, pulling me in and hugging me tightly. “I promise.”
I just kind of sit there, incapable of moving, unable to think, numb, staring off into the darkness. He notices how unresponsive I am, and slowly pulls away. “Mikes, please don’t shut down again. I need you; I just don’t need you with me.”
It hurts, knowing that you need someone more than they need you. My entire being is shaking now. The bitter feel of betrayal creeps in to my chest, like a sly snake, making my heart thump louder and louder, until it’s all I can hear.
“BUT I NEED YOU! WHY CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I CAN’T SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU?” I scream, breaking the ear wrenching silence. Gee breaks down, weeping. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I never wanted to hurt him; it just always comes out wrong. I just wanted to make my point. Why can’t I ever do anything right?
I lean over trying to pat Gerard’s shoulder, but he quickly pushes me off, covers his face with his strong hands, and runs inside. A door slams before I even have time to get up. Fuck.
“Gee, I didn’t mean to upset you.” I cry. The bathroom door is bolted shut; I can hear Gerard’s heartbreaking sobs inside. “I’m sorry.” I scream. There’s no response. Back against the door, I slowly slide down, ready to sit here all night if I have to.
“I just love you, that’s all.” I mumble.
“I love you too, so much. I don’t want to leave you Mikes, why can’t you see that? You’re making this so much harder!” He replies, voice cracking and trembling.
“I need this! I need to follow my dream, and find myself. You’re being so selfish. I can’t save you.” I guess he’s right, about the selfish part that is. He’s been taking care of me this past year, and I’ve been way too dependent on him. He’s only 19; he shouldn't have to bear the responsibility of taking care of a 16 year old on his shoulders.
I really have been hurting him, so much. I’ve just decided to ignore it. He deserves a break. “I know.” I whisper. The door suddenly flings open, Gerard pouncing out, picking me up off the floor, forcing me up against the wall. “You just said “I know.”” He smiles.
“And?” I wonder.
“If you know that I can’t save you then what are you still doing here? If I’m not the one who has been keeping you alive, than who has? You, baby brother, you have.” He’s laughing now, like he knows something I don’t. I don’t really understand what he’s implying, but I can’t help but be happy when I see Gee this way.
****************************
“It’s not like I’m leaving forever.” Gerard promises. It seems like he needs his comforting more than I do. “I’ll be back next summer.” Next summer, that’s almost a whole year without him. “I know.” I nervously giggle. It’s weird to think that the next time I see him; both he and I will be one year older.
The house is so empty. The moving truck has already been here, and the only things left are Gerard’s carryon bag and suitcases and my bags upstairs. “The taxi will be here to pick you up in a half an hour.” He’s tearing up now. “Ok.” I say, choked up. I clear my throat as I pull him in, squeezing him one last time before he leaves. Neither of us can stop the tears now. He wraps his arms around my hips quickly lifting me off the ground.
We stand here, holding each other, crying, for what seems like forever.
I jump at the sound of the taxy guy beeping the horn outside. Gerard pulls away, lifting his bags up off the cold wooden floor, and rushes out the door leaving me speechless, empty and cold. The shock hits me like a ton of bricks.
I hurry out the door, waving both my hands in the air, looking like a crazy person and not caring. I chase the car out of the driveway and as far as I can, but eventually, it picks up speed.
I see Gerard through the rear window waving one last time, tears streaming down his face, before they disappear around a corner. I’m left with the odd feeling of accomplishment. I'm not dead yet.
11/2/13