Teenagers
Endings
It’s been a whole month since we left for tour. Wow. Time flies. Everything leading up to our tour was so exciting as well as stressful. Gerard kept me grounded though. I kept having panic attacks because I didn’t feel like I was good enough, as a musician or as a person, but he kept reminding me that it doesn’t matter. Other people see me differently and even if they don’t, what does it matter? They can’t decide if I’m going to be happy or not, I won’t let them.
The road flies by beneath our home-on-tours wheels. It’s started to get dark out and I can feel my eyes start drooping. It’s probably a good idea to pull over soon, but I just love the feeling of driving. The feeling that you’re on the move, something is happening and no one can catch you now.
Before we got up on stage for our fist gig as a band, it felt like I was going to die. My heart was pounding so hard I could hardly breathe. Frank kept telling me to breathe which was freaking me out even more because I physically couldn’t. Luckily, when we got on stage there were only like 5 people there. They were all pretty drunk and sitting at the bar. I’m totally not saying that they weren’t enthusiastic though. They were plenty enthusiastic, y’know, cheering and clapping. Two of them cheered so much they puked. That was kind of awkward and we had to try to ignore them.
We can’t actually afford anything, and I’m starving most of the time, but we get by. I guess this is how every band starts out. At times it’s painful, but in its own way it’s so magical. Some days I just feel like shit. Not having showered or eaten in days can get pretty gross. Seeing your own reflection in the mirror can get pretty awful.
I only packed like three shirts and I’ve worn all of them. They’re starting to smell funny because of the weird places we’ve been.
The other day we were playing a show in a basement, and some dude puked on Gerard. There was no stage and the guy was right next to me, there were like 30 kids crammed into one tiny basement. It was awesome. I moved just in time for the one kid who was about my age to cram his fingers down his throat and vomit all over Gee. I couldn’t stop laughing for the rest of the show. Neither could Frank. Gerard is an amazing performer, and he made it seem like he didn’t even notice.
We play where ever we can get a gig so sometimes that means many hours in a van, no place to sleep and a pretty shitty show, but that’s fine.
We decided that we should get another guitar player and a drummer if we want to sound like a real band. Usually we just get a random kid at the show to play drums for us and we can live like that because we don’t know anyone who can play, but Gerard remembered that his friend Ray was an insane guitarist, so he called him.
Ray said that the second he’s done with high school, which is a couple of months; he’ll come on tour with us. He also said that he knew a drummer from Chicago looking for a job after graduation. So for the time being we’re fine. We get just enough food and rest to get by, and living like this is so much better than waiting to live.
We take shifts on driving the van. It gets exhausting after a couple of hours and I usually need a break after about five.
Outside of our van the evening has turned into night. I pull over into a pocket on the side of the highway, ready to get some rest after a long day of driving. The second we pull over Frank leaps into the backseat so he can spread out. Gerard has already fallen asleep in the back, leaning against the window. I’ve been driving and don’t want to be left alone in the front seat, so I join them. We’re currently in a big huddle in the backseat, me leaning on Frank and Frank on Gerard. The other two are asleep.
Sometimes, when I’m thinking about the way things were and the way things are I start to miss the way they were. I just miss not having anything to lose, but then I remember that I was drowning. Things are so much better now and I’m happy about that.
At times I might miss being small and having no worries or enemies, but things move on and change and no one can stop that. I’m going to make the best of that. Things are good now. I’m happy. Things have finally changed and I’m never going back.
A while back, about a year ago, things were dark. I thought they wouldn’t get any better. Life just consisted of surviving another day, forcing myself to stay alive for Gerard, but things change. They can change in the blink of an eye.
I shift my weight in my seat and Frank’s eyes flutter open. He shakes his shabby looking black hair out of the beautiful, hazel eyes I fell in love with.
“You’re awake.” He whispers.
“Mhm.”
He puts his arms around me and kisses my forehead. “Try to get some sleep, babe. Relax, you don’t need to figure out the meaning of life tonight.” He jokes.
I giggle and put my head on his chest. As sleep creeps up on me I think about how the night is dark. Darker than usual I mean. Not one star is to be seen in the deep blue sky. Not one star is shining, showing its existence this pitch black night.
Sure, it is very dark out but I know they’re there, the stars. Behind the clouds, somewhere, they are out there shining just as bright as they always do.
If the night seems to dark just remember that if you make it through there will be another night, another chance to see the stars and just because you can’t see them doesn't mean that they’re not there.
This band, Frank, Gerard and I, we are different, we are on the verge of something special, something amazing, I can feel it. I know that things are only getting better from here.
The road flies by beneath our home-on-tours wheels. It’s started to get dark out and I can feel my eyes start drooping. It’s probably a good idea to pull over soon, but I just love the feeling of driving. The feeling that you’re on the move, something is happening and no one can catch you now.
Before we got up on stage for our fist gig as a band, it felt like I was going to die. My heart was pounding so hard I could hardly breathe. Frank kept telling me to breathe which was freaking me out even more because I physically couldn’t. Luckily, when we got on stage there were only like 5 people there. They were all pretty drunk and sitting at the bar. I’m totally not saying that they weren’t enthusiastic though. They were plenty enthusiastic, y’know, cheering and clapping. Two of them cheered so much they puked. That was kind of awkward and we had to try to ignore them.
We can’t actually afford anything, and I’m starving most of the time, but we get by. I guess this is how every band starts out. At times it’s painful, but in its own way it’s so magical. Some days I just feel like shit. Not having showered or eaten in days can get pretty gross. Seeing your own reflection in the mirror can get pretty awful.
I only packed like three shirts and I’ve worn all of them. They’re starting to smell funny because of the weird places we’ve been.
The other day we were playing a show in a basement, and some dude puked on Gerard. There was no stage and the guy was right next to me, there were like 30 kids crammed into one tiny basement. It was awesome. I moved just in time for the one kid who was about my age to cram his fingers down his throat and vomit all over Gee. I couldn’t stop laughing for the rest of the show. Neither could Frank. Gerard is an amazing performer, and he made it seem like he didn’t even notice.
We play where ever we can get a gig so sometimes that means many hours in a van, no place to sleep and a pretty shitty show, but that’s fine.
We decided that we should get another guitar player and a drummer if we want to sound like a real band. Usually we just get a random kid at the show to play drums for us and we can live like that because we don’t know anyone who can play, but Gerard remembered that his friend Ray was an insane guitarist, so he called him.
Ray said that the second he’s done with high school, which is a couple of months; he’ll come on tour with us. He also said that he knew a drummer from Chicago looking for a job after graduation. So for the time being we’re fine. We get just enough food and rest to get by, and living like this is so much better than waiting to live.
We take shifts on driving the van. It gets exhausting after a couple of hours and I usually need a break after about five.
Outside of our van the evening has turned into night. I pull over into a pocket on the side of the highway, ready to get some rest after a long day of driving. The second we pull over Frank leaps into the backseat so he can spread out. Gerard has already fallen asleep in the back, leaning against the window. I’ve been driving and don’t want to be left alone in the front seat, so I join them. We’re currently in a big huddle in the backseat, me leaning on Frank and Frank on Gerard. The other two are asleep.
Sometimes, when I’m thinking about the way things were and the way things are I start to miss the way they were. I just miss not having anything to lose, but then I remember that I was drowning. Things are so much better now and I’m happy about that.
At times I might miss being small and having no worries or enemies, but things move on and change and no one can stop that. I’m going to make the best of that. Things are good now. I’m happy. Things have finally changed and I’m never going back.
A while back, about a year ago, things were dark. I thought they wouldn’t get any better. Life just consisted of surviving another day, forcing myself to stay alive for Gerard, but things change. They can change in the blink of an eye.
I shift my weight in my seat and Frank’s eyes flutter open. He shakes his shabby looking black hair out of the beautiful, hazel eyes I fell in love with.
“You’re awake.” He whispers.
“Mhm.”
He puts his arms around me and kisses my forehead. “Try to get some sleep, babe. Relax, you don’t need to figure out the meaning of life tonight.” He jokes.
I giggle and put my head on his chest. As sleep creeps up on me I think about how the night is dark. Darker than usual I mean. Not one star is to be seen in the deep blue sky. Not one star is shining, showing its existence this pitch black night.
Sure, it is very dark out but I know they’re there, the stars. Behind the clouds, somewhere, they are out there shining just as bright as they always do.
If the night seems to dark just remember that if you make it through there will be another night, another chance to see the stars and just because you can’t see them doesn't mean that they’re not there.
This band, Frank, Gerard and I, we are different, we are on the verge of something special, something amazing, I can feel it. I know that things are only getting better from here.
11/2/13