I Still Think You're Beautiful

When I wake up, Frank is still in my arms. He's awake too and watching Tv, his hazel eyes wide and alert. I yawn quietly and he turns to look at me, "Morning sleepyhead." He smiles and leans in to peck my lips.

I kiss him back and instantly feel guilty, remembering what Jared said. Jared can be evil. And I know he's going to tell Frank what happened no matter what. Jared is just like that, and now that he hates me, he will stop at nothing to ruin my life and destroy my ego.

"Hello my love." I smile back. My heart twists in pain when I see the sadness in Frankie's eyes. He snuggles into my chest and sighs. I pull him close and hold my breathe, realizing that I should just tell him what I did. "Frankie?" I say.

"What Gee?" He squeaks. He grabs my hand and twined our fingers together , his eyes still focused on the Tv.

My mind buzzes and my lips refuse to move. My vocal cords freeze and I can't find the bravery inside myself to say it. I bite my tongue and compromise quickly, "Do you wanna order a pizza?"

Frank turns his head slightly and smiles up at me, "Yeah sure. I am really hungry, that sounds good Gee." He tilts his head up and kisses my lips slowly, I kiss back almost feeling like I'm about to throw up. I pull away and shake my head, refusing to make eye contact with him as he gives me a concerned look.

"Gerard are you okay?" Frank asks, his forehead creasing. He drops my hand and scoots away from me, his eyes meeting mine. Tears threaten to burst from my eyes as I stare at the beautiful piece of innocence sitting in front of me, "Gerard you're scaring me...."

I shake my head and look down at the carpeted floor, "Im horrible Frank. I'm disgusting."

He stares at me blankly, "What do you mean? Is everything okay?"

A single tears breaks from my eyes and rolls down my cheek, "Im dirty Frank....I did something horrible....."

Franks face drops as his eyes travel up and down my body, "What do-do y-you mean?" He scoots away from me even more, his face crumpling slowly.

I turn away from him as more salty tears stream down my face like waves, "Frank....Frank....I-I..." I freeze and turn to look him in the eye, "Please don't leave me If I tell you this, please promise me you won't leave."

Frank swallows, his eyes flickering back and forth, "I...I promise Gerard."

My hearts starts pounding, Im afraid that its going to explode out of my chest, "Frankie..." I choke out, "Frankie...I cheated on you."

Franks mouth drops and his eyes begin to water. I reach my hand out to grab his, but he snatches his hand away. I look back down at the floor, waiting for a response.

"Why...Gerard? W-why?" He sobs. The pain in his voice makes my whole body ache and my heart feels like they're knives stabbing into it. I bring my hand to my chest and wince, not sure if the pain is real or just in my head.

"Frankie baby I didn't-"

"Who did...who did you cheat on me with?" He asks, his voice trailing off.

I wipe the tears from my eyes and force out, "Why does it matter-"

"Just tell me Gerard." Frank snaps.

"J-Jared."

Frank stands up and turns away from me, "I should've fucking known....I should've have listened to them. I'm so fucking stupid."

My hearts stops, "What? What do you mean?" I know exactly what he means.

He turns around quickly, his eyes full of anger and sadness, "I should've have listened to them! To all the people who told me you're just in for a good fuck! That you use people to make yourself feel good! I don't know what I was thinking when I thought you actually loved me-"

"I DO LOVE YOU, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!" I scream and stand up, anger overtaking my hurt.

"DONT FUCKING LIE TO ME! IM NOT FUCKING STUPID!" Frank screams back, "I've been through this way too many times! Everyone was right! You're fucking SELFISH and ARROGANT and you don't care about anyone but yourself! You just wanted to get in my fucking pants!"

"You're lucky I even fucking like you!" By now I'm so mad that I'm seeing red and I have no idea what is coming out of my mouth, "You had no chance without me! You're a fucking emo nobody, and without me, nobody would know you exist! You just sit there like an unresponsive little shit who can't speak!"

Franks mouth drops again. My mouth drops too. I step back and clamp my hands over my mouth, "Frank I-I didn't mean that-"

"Just stay away from me!" He screams through his tears. He grabs his hoodie and runs toward the door. "Frank wait!" I call, chasing after him. He opens the door and grabs his bag. He scurries out and doesn't even look back.

"Frank baby please!" I beg. I hurry after him but its already too late. I stand on the porch, watching as he runs off. I fall to my knees and sob, pounding at the ground. I really did it, I really fucked it up this time.

⚪⚫⚪

Frank runs home, tears streaming down his face. He's completely broken. He loved Gerard with all his heart, but it was clear that Gerard didnt love him back.

'Im such a fuck up.' Frank thinks as he opens the door to his house. He pulls out his phone quickly and check the time. He sighs in relief when he realizes his father won't be home until much later.

Frank closes the front door slowly and drops his bag. His head aches from crying and he can't breathe properly. His heart is completely broken, it actually hurts. Physically.

The clock on the wall ticks loudly, catching Franks attention. He shakes his head and quickly runs up the stairs. He rushes into his room and begins to dig through his desk drawer. He sighs in aggravation when what he's trying to find isn't there. He checks that next drawer down and rummages through it until he finds what he's looking for. His blades.

He's been clean since he met Gerard, he hadnt even thought about cutting, until now.

Gerard broke him, and now Frank felt like he had nothing left. The one he loved even thought he was useless and some emo shit. Frank knew it was true, even his dad told him that.

Frank twists the blade between his fingers, admiring the shiny piece of metal. He slowly rolled up his hoodie sleeve, his eyes skimming across his arms for a place to cut. They're we're so many scars, his arms were literally full.

"Fuck it." Frank huffed before turning his tiny wrist over and pressing the blade to his delicate skin. He takes a deep breathe and his heart stops when he thinks of his mother. She told him not to cut before she died, she hated seeing him do it. It made her feel like she was the one cutting.

"I'm sorry mommy." Frank whispers. He then moves the blade across his wrist slowly, gritting his teeth when he feels the familiar sting. A tear streams down his pale cheek when he sees the red liquid slowly run down his arm. 'Gerard would be disappointed.' He thinks. 'Gerard.'

Frank drops this blade onto the desk, loud sobs escaping his lips as he realizes what he's done. He's dissapointed his mom by cutting, and Iris too. She'd be dissappointed in him as well. Then, he's lost the one person left that he actually loves.

"Why am I such a fuck up?!?" He screams. More tears fall from his eyes as his arm bleeds, the stinging getting worse. He turns around and falls into bed, burying his face in a pillow to muffle his painful screams, not caring about his bleeding arm.

Notes

Story of my fucking life