There was a single light that fell in the small corner of the black room and I heard nothing but wind circulating about me. I walked hesitantly to the place I was most drawn to, a murmur following me in my mind. As I approached the light, it extended upwards suddenly and formed itself into a candle that rested on a golden stand with red strands of ribbon trickling its way down. I reached out to touch it but my fingers went straight through. In the distance, I heard the sound of a heart monitor and a cry emit in the walls around me as the candle flickered out.

“It’s better this way.” A voice spoke behind me. I wasn’t startled but almost comforted as I turned and was met with a dark figure suddenly standing in front of an altar, their face unknown to me but their voice so familiar. They gently signalled their skeletal hand behind me. I turned to no longer be met with darkness. There, thousands of faceless figures stood amongst the pews, no emotion, no pain, they were just there. I blinked, just for a second and a dark oak coffin stood open in front of me, the lid facing me so the corpse was unknown. I walked slowly towards it, crimson coloured flowers resting upon an empty pillow, and I turned to the nameless figure at the altar in confusion.

I felt something pierce my chest and I looked down to be met with blood flowing out of my wrists that was dripping upon the black and white marbled floor. Everything blurred and I was in a daze as another impact hit my chest. Suddenly I was lying flat upon a cushioned ground, roses in my hands and a grand chandelier, each candle flickering upon it, right in my vision amongst a starry sky.

“Just sleep.” The voice spoke again and a lid shut angrily forcing a shriek to emit from my lungs but there was silence. Only darkness and silence…

Pounding. That is all I felt in that moment. A pounding head, a pounding stomach and a pounding heart. My eyes shot open as I tried to regain a normal pattern of breath but nothing could calm me down. The nightmare that I had dreaded had returned to me. I placed a hand on my chest, another with my fingers crushing the blanket as my solitary form felt no comfort. I felt alone and I knew exactly why.

Normally in cases like these, a weary Gerard would come to my side and hold me until I calmed but he was nowhere. I’d finally pushed him away and a rush of regret filled me like no other emotion had done before. Instantly, tears threatened to spill but I would not let them. This pain I felt was on me. It was my fault and now I had to deal with the consequences. I wish I wasn’t a complete and utter fuck up.

I could barely remember anything from last night. As soon as the first drop of alcohol had touched my lips I knew I wouldn’t and I suspect that’s why I did it. I remember fighting with Gerard about something so miniscule that he took to heart, bringing us back to place we were not so long ago and a place I thought we’d moved past. Sighing, my breathing relatively normal, I decided to get up. Thank god I changed into my leggings and David Bowie shirt last night. I found my fluffy socks and threw them on my feet before staggering my way over to the kitchen, picking up a make-up wipe in the process. I found Frank passed out on the sofa, still dressed in what he was wearing last night with a tired Mikey sitting at the small table, his head in his hands.

“Hey.” I croaked, trying to clear my throat. Mikey looked up briefly, his eyes squinting looking tired and out of place, his eyeliner was smudged also.

“Hey…” he sighed before looking back at the table.

“Where are your glasses?” I asked, shuffling my feet further towards the kettle.

“I have no idea. One minute they were on my face and now…I think I lost them at the venue.” I nodded pulling out three mugs, knowing Mikey would want one and eventually when I wake Frank up, so would he.

“What’s the time?” he asked.

“Ugh…” I said looking around for a phone nearby. I found Franks on the floor by his hand and picked it up. “9.30.”

“I was hoping it was later.” He sighed. I went on to make the coffee, placing a mug in front of Mikey which he mumbled a thank you too before moving over to Frank.

“Frankeny.” I said shaking his shoulder which was met with a groan.

“I don’t want to go to school.” He moaned, throwing his arm over his eyes.

“Frank…” I tried again, pushing him a little more. He eventually opened his eyes, them squinting just like Mikey had before he looked around him. “Want coffee?” I asked before he finally registered who I was.

“Please…” I stood a collected the mug off the side before handing it to him. He moved up so he was sitting, making room for me to join on him on the small sofa.

“Time?” he asked.

“Probably about 9.45…it took you forever to wake up.” I chuckled sipping at my coffee.

“Can you blame me? It feels like someone’s kicked my head a multiple of times.” He answered rubbing his head to emphasise his point. I nodded in understanding.

“You okay Mikey?” Frank asked, registering his presence.

“No…I drank way too much.” Mikey groaned into his coffee.

“As did we all.” After a few moments of silence, Frank perked up a little, rubbing his eyes as he questioned

“Did anyone see where Gerard ran off to last night?” he turned to me expecting me to know but I shrugged thinking instantly that he was off fucking someone last night as I had thought him too.

“I saw him talking to a girl but I didn’t see him after Win left.” Mikey added.

“Oh!” Frank squeaked before turning his body completely to face mine on the sofa.

“What?” I laughed.

“We were meant to talk about what happened with you and Gerard yesterday…” he paused and in the process I saw Mikey yank his head away from the table and stare at the both of us.

“What happened now?” Mikey sighed. “Was Gerard being a dick again?” I shrugged my shoulders in response.

“Well what happened with you and Mia?” I shot back, trying to avoid bringing Gerard back into the conversation.

“Hey, I asked first!” Frank argued.

“So? I’m asking you now.” He sighed and tightened his grip on the coffee mug, staring down momentarily as Mikey walked over to us and Lay down on the end of the sofa. I motioned for him to lay his legs across our laps to which he was thankful too as we both eagerly waited for Frank to explain.

“Well…we’re officially over.” He said simply. I could see he was hurt but not to the extent I expected him to be. “I guess you could say I knew it would happen sooner or later.”

“You okay Frank?” I asked, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“I don’t think any of us are okay.”

“I second that.”

“I third it…If that is even possible.” Mikey said confusing himself for a moment.

“How are you and Mia now then?” I asked.

“Civil really…I’d love her to be in my life still…although we didn’t match as a couple, she was one of the greatest friends I had and I don’t want us to lose that.”

“You won’t.” I comforted. “It’s probably for the best, you know? Although we all thought you were extremely happy, you can’t keep lying to yourself.”

“I could say the same to you.” Frank smiled knowingly as I leant away from him.

“Huh?”

“We all know you’re happy when you’re around Gerard but you lie to yourself thinking he deserves better.”

“It’s not a lie Frank because it’s the truth.” I sighed, looking down into my mug.

“Win, if anyone deserves better it’s you…wait that came out wrong. Yes, my brother is a dick and when he drinks his moods go all over the place but…he really does care about you Winona. Besides, when you’re not around and he drinks…he talks…a lot.” Mikey grinned. I blushed thinking he may have told Mikey that we nearly had sex one night. I slapped him on the thigh before pressing Frank to continuing telling us about him and Mia.

“Fine…anyway, Mia is going to leave the tour on the next stop because she is relatives there that she’ll stay with until she heads back to Jersey…she told me about Jake.”

“Jake!? Who’s Jake?” Mikey interrupted.

“A guy I think she’s fallen for. I mean, she didn’t say those exact words but it’s obvious, you know? She said there was something between them that she never had with us…she mentioned it was something she said you and Gerard had. Something I knew I had with Jamia.” I was about to interrupt but he continued.

“I guess, thinking about it now, I never stopped loving Jamia…” his eyes suddenly widened as he rushed to find his phone. “I have to call her!”

“Now?” I asked furrowing my brows.

“Yes now! One I think I called her drunk last night and second…I just want to talk to her.” Before Mikey and I could say another word, he ran out the bus, putting the phone to his ear. The last thing we heard him say was Jamia.

We sat there in relative silence before Mikey kept nudging me. He was like everyone’s kid brother. I turned to him, trying to frown but smiled when I saw his goofy smile.

“What?” I asked.

“I think you should talk to Gee.”

“Why? He called me a bitch…well I did call him a dick but that’s not the point.” I sighed, running my fingers through my hair.

“I didn’t want to say this to Frank but he told me last night you told him to go and fuck someone. He was torn Win. He cares about you so much but to know that the person you care about doesn’t want anything to do with you…it hurts.”

“I want everything to do with him Mikey…” I sighed, feeling tears. “That’s why I have to let him go.”

“Does Gerard know how you feel?” Mikey asked sympathetically before taking his hand with my own.

“I don’t know anymore.” I sad trying to wipe at the tears that kept coming. “I just know he’s better off without me.”

“Hey now come on-”

Before Mikey continued, Bob and Ray walked in, looking just as bad as the rest of us before heading over to plug in guitar hero. Ray turned to me and asked why I was crying. I shrugged it off and laughed.

“I always get emotional when I’m hungover.” I laughed to which they shook their heads. They probably knew it had something to do with Gerard…it always does. Mikey gave me a look as if we’ll talk about it later just as Bob was getting aggravated at the game.

“It’s broken…” he sneered as a laughing Ray.

“No dude, you’re just hung over and you suck.” They continued to row with another until we all heard a giggle to which we knew wasn’t Mia as she’d eventually dragged herself out of bed and laid her head on my shoulder.

“What the fuck?” Bob said, suddenly a girl appearing in front of us in nothing but a shirt and her pants…wait a fucking second.

“That’s my shirt.” I blurted just as she turned to find us all staring at her. She was wearing my fucking ghostbusters shirt. They guys stared at one another in a state of shock

“Oh…this.” She said looking down at the shirt frowning. “It’s not really my thing but Gerard said I could wear it.” she shrugged, smiling at us all.

“Gerard-?” Just then Gerard came into view, pulling the hoodie he’d always allowed me to wear over his head, the bottom of his stomach still in view as he hadn’t pulled it down far enough. Ray cleared his throat and suddenly he staring at us all in shock, his mouth opening and closing like a fishes would, his cheek flushing, as his dark hair covered his eyes momentarily. I could feel tears but I would not let them fall. No.

Gerard’s eyes landed on mine and from his look of shock turn to sadness as he opened his mouth to speak, pushing past this girl a little. Before he could say anything, an excited Frank bustled onto the bus laughing as he did. He stopped dead in his tracks when he realised the scene in front of us. He noticed my tears and quickly turned to Gerard, then to turn to the girl, who’d suddenly laced her fingers with his.

“Who the fuck are you?” he asked, pointing as her with confusion written completely across his face.

“I’m Vanessa.”

Notes

Oh dear...hope you guys are okay!! <3