Love Should Always Be Blind

Frank never came home the night of prom. In fact he didn't come home at all. He had been staying with Hambone the rest of the school year. I mean it was only a month. He didn't even come get his things; he had Hambone stop by instead. And me. Well to say I was a mess was an understatement. I never left my bed, decaying within my bed sheet where I used to make love to Frank in. Now where I made love I was making death. Mom tried to get me to come out and at least eat. Matt tried to get me to talk. The only one who let me be was Sarah. She'd come into my room at night when I was crying and hold me. David didn't care. I was never around him. I'm sure he hated me anyways. I broke his sons heart, but you know what? He broke mine too.

...I guess it wasn't the complete truth, though, when I say I never heard from Frank again, since prom night. The next morning he did stop by. He tried to talk to me but Matt wouldn't let him. He barricaded the door with his body, yelling at Frank that he didn't deserve to see me. Frank yelled back telling Matt he just wanted to apologize. Matt wasn't having it. He was already fed up with Frank before our breakup, ever since that fight Frank and I had, had. The breakup was the final straw for Matt to loath him...I mean it wasn't a complete lie. I honestly didn't speak with Frank. We were never in the same room. I guess Frank kinda tried. But he never tried again after moving in with Hambone. David didn't try to stop him either.

Mom and David were not happy with the families situation either. This was exactly what they were afraid of, with letting Frank and I date. There was nothing any of us could do about it now, though. We couldn't go back into time and what's done was done. So for the rest of April and half of May I stayed in bed, a rotting depressed mess.

When Ray came over for lessons I yelled at him and told him to leave. After a few hours of fighting me, trying to get me out of my bed, he left when I didn't budge. Mom got mad when Ray called her that day telling her what happened. She came into my room that afternoon, telling me that she didn't care if I was dying. I was going to get out of bed and graduate high school. Pissed and reluctant, I got out of bed the next morning. I was seething at Ray for doing this to me. It was dumb really. I was taking my anger out on Ray for making me walk around like a living human being. Ray didn't care though, but acted as normal. He'd had enough experience with my attitude and anger to not let it faze him. He made conversation with me like usual, even if it was one sided. He told me he'd been meaning to tell me that Christa was having a boy and they were going to name him Nathan, which meant 'Gift from God', since they'd had such a time conceiving him. Then he went on to tell me that he was due June fifth. I grumbled a congratulations but that's it. I think Ray was pleased nonetheless. My days went on like this until graduation. Wallow and cry, not eat, cry more, manage some sleep, smoke and drink excessive amounts of coffee, have lessons with Ray. Repeat.

Oh! and I started waring my sunglasses again. Without Frank to help me see, I needed them. I was blind again. I felt uncomfortable without them now. I needed my protective barrier back. And another thing; Mom found out I was smoking cigarettes when she came come one day and smelt the smoke, coming from my bedroom. She marched upstairs, throwing the door open and caught me smoking on my bed. I didn't give a fuck though. I was so over everything and I just wanted a smoke. She yelled at me of course, throwing the cigarette out the window. Then she yelled at me more, about how 'stupid it was', 'how they caused cancer' and how 'angry she was I had been sneaking them', 'not to mention smoking in the Goddamned house'. I shrugged, saying Frank had introduced me to them. That made Mom shut up and sigh, leaving the room without another word. It was true though. Sometimes when I smoke I felt like I could still taste the residue of his lips. But that of ridiculous of course. He wasn't any where close, to press his lips onto my cigarettes...

Graduation was awkward to say the least. I didn't go to mine. Like there was a ceremony but I had no desire. I just told them to mail me my diploma. Plus I wasn't going to college anymore. I had given up on that idea. But Frank graduated and I was forced to go. We all got dressed up nice and went out to dinner as a family. It was the first time I had been around Frank since our breakup. We didn't exchange one word. I sat across the table from him, between Matt and Sarah. All of us were quite, really only Mom and David making conversation. They had forced Frank to go to dinner with us though, saying that graduation was special. I have no idea how they convinced him considering he and I weren't even talking and Matt hated him. Surprisingly Sarah seem pleasant with him, trying every now and then to ask him how school and finals went and how he was doing. He said he was doing fine and he passed finals so that's all that mattered. I honestly didn't mind. I was glad she was keeping him company and asking him the questions I couldn't ask. David did talk to Frank about college too considering he was leaving in like a month and a half. David was happy for Frank for once. That his son was taking a break from his band to get an education. I didn't have to see though, to tell that, that bothered Frank.

After dinner Frank left in a separate car, driving himself to the stadium he was graduating at, while the rest of us huddled into the car. The graduation ceremony was long and boring; hearing students I didn't know give long speeches about how great high school was but how even 'greater' their futures were going to be. Bullshit. I just wanted to be home sleeping and wallowing in my bed, warm under the covers. Not listening to this crap. Once the speeches were done, they still had to call all the students names by alphabetical order. Which took half my life span away from me. This was exactly why I didn't want to go to my graduation ceremony. Go to the next graduation ceremony you can and go through the whole damn thing with your eyes closed. You'll want to claw your brain out with your own fingernails. There's nothing stimulating, just the drone of boring voices.

When Frank's voice was named, Mom, David, and Sarah cheered. Matt clapped but I did nothing. Just hearing his name aloud made my stomach sick. Then we just had to wait for everyone's elses names to be called. When that was done, another short speech announcing them class of 2015 by their principal. Then the shouting of graduated students. Blah. Blah. Blah.
The worst part, however, was when all the students came out on this field to find their parents and take pictures with friends. Mom took several pictures of Frank with Hambone and his other friends. Bob, his ex, even came to see him graduate. The more and more pictures that were being taken the larger the lump in my throat got. I was on the verge of tears when Mom forced all of us to take a picture with him. Sarah, Matt, and I. Sarah hugged him from the side while Matt and I awkwardly stood together on the other side. I bet all our faces were uncomfortable.

Then Sarah took a picture of Frank with David and Mom. Then we all said goodbye to Frank. Mom and Sarah gave him a hug, asking what he was going to do tonight to celebrate. Of course he was going to a party. I'm sure he was going to fuck somebody too. I bet he already had since we'd broken up. This made me angry and sad altogether. Then we all parted ways and went home.

Back at home, lying on my bed alone I couldn't stop thinking about Frank and how he was probably at a stupid party getting high or drunk or both. How he was probably making out with some guy or even having sex with him. It made my blood boil and my heart ache at the same time. It was then that I felt fed up. I could literally feel my mood shift from depressed to fed up. The last straw within me had snapped. I didn't want to just lie in bed all night wasting away in torturous thoughts of the past. I was going to go out that night and do something. I was going to get high too. I was going to fuck someone else that wasn't Frank. I was going to get over him because there was nothing else for me to do, besides rot. I had said terrible things to him that I couldn't take back and he said terrible things he couldn't take back either. We were over. And I was done. I had to move one. Frank had.

❤❤ ❤ Frank❤❤❤

I was a mess. I had been drinking every night since the breakup. Hambone did all he could to cheer me up but nothing helped. I couldn't stop running over and over in my mind the things I had said to him. To Gerard.

“I can't help it if I have to feel like I'm babysitting you all the time. I feel like I can't leave anywhere in fear you'll hurt yourself ”...

“...Go screw everyone in Ohio then.” Gerard screamed, taking his necklace off, I'd given him for his birthday. My heart clenched. “You're good at that.” He ended, throwing it at me.

“I will then! And I'll be glad I got away from you!” And the one I hated myself most for...

“...Then leave!” Gerard shouted in my face, “Fucking leave me alone!”

“FINE! Watch me. Oh wait? You fucking can't!” I snarled back. I was disgusting. The most terrible person in the world. The look on his face when I said that...shocked with tears spilling down his face... I hated myself. I hated to admit as well, that I had somehow brought my old razors back out. No one knew of course. Not even Hambone. Just me, myself, and I.

Graduation was stupid. But at least I got to see Gerard for the first time we'd broken up. I wanted to just grab him and kiss him so badly. He looked like shit; the skin under his eyes I could see were purple and hallowed. He looked like he hadn't been eating either, all skin and bones, his black hair long and greasy. And he was wearing his sunglasses to my dismay... but he still looked breath taking. No matter what he always did. God, I fucked up so bad.
I had never hated myself so much. I had finally gotten myself together and was actually happy.

And I fucked it up. I wanted to blame everyone but I knew that all the fault my mine. First I blamed Hagevik for trying to rape my fucking boyfriend. After I'd left Gerard out on the lawn when we broke up I stormed back into the party, searching for him and I beat the living shit out of him. Then I wanted to blame Sophie, but that was just ridiculous. Gerard was right, they were just friends. I should have thanked Sophie for taking care of Gerard, when I was off drinking leaving him alone to fend for himself. Instead I yelled at her and called her names. Then I wanted to blame Gerard, of all people, that he hadn't tried to fight for our relationship. The he was the one who initiated the breakup. But finally I blamed myself, rightfully so. My anger and jealousy had gotten me like always. Just the same old tune, stuck on repeat.

I was staying with Hambone because I couldn't face Gerard or Susan or Sarah or any of them. I was a coward too, to top it all off. When I went to get my stuff, though, I did try to apologize but Matt didn't let me. He yelled at me, calling me names and I took it. I knew I deserved it. Sarah was being unexpectedly kind to me, however. It was like the two switched placed from when Gerard and I started dating. I tried to talk to Sarah too before I left that day.

“I hate myself Sarah.” I cried to her in her room, my head on her shoulder, “I told him-”

“NO!” She cut me off, pulling back and holding my shoulders at arms length. “I don't want to know what you two said to each other. Gerard tried to tell me too, but I don't want to hear it. If I know I'll end up hating one of you...probably you and I don't want that. What's said is said and you both were wrong.” Sarah explained. I wasn't sure if I was grateful or more ashamed she was treating me so nicely.

“Okay.” I nodded solemnly.

“I'll be here for both of you, okay?” She promised. I tried to smile back but couldn't. My face just wouldn't let me. We sat there in silence for a moment.

“Oh! I almost forgot. Mom got your prom pictures mailed to her...she didn't give them to Gee, because...y'know...he can't see them and mentioning them would just be a dick move. So I told Mom to give them to me, and I'd give them to you.” She explained, getting off the bed and grabbing something off her dresser. Walking back she held out said, pictures.

Hesitantly and without a word, I finally grabbed the pictures out of her hand. The minute, I saw the pictures I felt stinging tears well up in my eyes. There we were happily oblivious to what was going to happen in a mere few hours. Gerard looked breath taking in the photo. He was in his black suit, dashing as ever, his beautiful hazel eyes slightly off center. I stood behind him, in my own suit, not looking as handsome though, with my arms around his middle, staring straight ahead. The photos varied, but nonetheless looked similar. They were cute and we looked perfect together. My heart ached with the desire to just go back. Go back in time, at that moment in the pictures and slap myself. Tell myself to not get so drunk and wonder off. To not be so stupid and heartless and let my emotions and anger and doubt get to my head. That I should take care of Gee like a good boyfriend. I was a good boyfriend. I just slipped. I was stupid for a few moments too long and drank too much and acted too stupid with my friends. I just wanted to go back. But I couldn't. The world didn't work that way...

Sarah treated me nice like that, however. Even after Gee and I broke up. She was like the only one to talk to me at my graduation dinner. I didn't even want one but Susan insisted. The only reason I agreed was honestly so I could see Gerard. That was my excuse. And after graduation Sarah, Matt, Gerard, and I were forced to take a picture. Desperately I wanted to hold Gee, push Sarah and Matt away. But I didn't. I half-hugged Sarah for the picture while Gerard and Matt stood to the side, Matt throwing me death glares between the shots. Then we said goodbye.

After graduation of course there was party at Hambone's. Everyone was there. Even Bob came to see me graduate. But I didn't feel like partying or interacting even. I hadn't really spoken to anyone since the breakup beside Hambone and Sarah. So instead of getting trashed or something like that, I went into the room I was staying in and locked the door. Sitting on my bed, I dug under it for my box of razors, doing what I did best. But before cutting, I grabbed the necklace, Gerard had thrown at me. Thankfully I hadn't been too stupid and drunk, not to take it. Now at least I had something to remind me of our good times together. To remind me of what I'd lost for being the disgusting person I was. And with one hand clutching the locket, the other holding the razor I gave myself what I deserved.

Notes

So like I said, please don't hate me. Lots of drama as you can see is going to be in the sequel. I'll make a post when I can to link you to the sequel asap. I love you all so so much for reading this. I hope you stick around for the sequel and see what happens!