Love Should Always Be Blind

It was too late before I realized I hated the parties Frank's friends threw. I could only comprehend then, at the after prom party, why he tried to warn me that his friends were assholes. I tried my best to enjoy myself though. I mean it was prom night.

So after we'd left prom, the limo driver took us back to The Outback restaurant where our cars were parked. Frank and I drove to the party, thrown by all people, Tim. Frank was all over me still, even after our limo escapade. He gave me a handjob while driving to Tim's at the same time. I would have freaked out at this fact, but I was too busy moaning. In return, I gave Frankie head; my knees on the car floor, head in his lap, and mouth over his cock. Frankie claimed his over sex drive was due to my suit. I think he was just being his horn dog self though, added with the undeniable fact we only had like maybe a month before we graduated. Since my birthday Frank hadn't stopped touching me. I mean I didn't mind but at the same time, the more he touched me the more it reminded me he was leaving. How he was leaving on his own choice. He didn't care that he was leaving me behind...

Trying to push those negative thoughts away, I merely took Franks hand, lacing our fingers together as we walked up towards the house. It was surprisingly full. I mean we'd just left prom. What did people do? Flee here? I could already hear loud music and chattering of numerous drunk/high, high schooler's. Frank squeezed my hand, offering silent comfort in which I graveled in. The closer he was the more secure I felt. I could only imagine how it was going to feel when he was thousands of miles away...Entering the house, the loud noise intensified by like ten million. I really wanted to cover my ears that time. It was nothing compared to how the prom's dance room was. This caused me to practically cling to Frank like a Koala bear.

“You want me to get us some drinks?” Frank asked, having to yell into my ear so I could hear.

“Uhm.” I hesitated. I didn't want to be left alone.

“I'll be right back. Promise.” He reassured.

“Um. Okay.” I caved reluctantly. “Get me something strong.” I added, while he lead me to a couch to sit on. Frank chuckled.

“Sure thing.” He said, pecking my forehead, then leaving with a subtle gust of wind. Sighing heavily, I twiddled my thumbs in my lap waiting for Frank to come back. I could feel people moving about around me talking about how 'fuckin great prom was', and 'I'm totally gonna fuck that chick tonight', or my personal favorite 'I blew Mr. Hansen in the bathroom at prom tonight!'. You know the typical things like that, that you pick up on while listening in on conversations around you. I was just glad no one tried to start a conversation with me, let alone notice me. I wished I could flip a switch from visible to invisible whenever Frank left me. Frank wasn't gone too long, however. First I felt someone flop themselves down on the couch beside me, making me jump like twenty feet in the air. Then a split second before Frank announced himself, I recognized his cologne.

“Holy shit, Gee! It's just me. I didn't mean to scare you!” Frank jumped at me jumping.

“Warn me!” I gasped, clutching my chest.

“Sorry.” He muttered, “I'm so used to you hearing me coming...I guess it's too loud for that in here.” He reasoned. I nodded.

“It's okay.” I offered. Frank leaned in giving me an apologetic kiss on the cheek.

“Here, babe. I got you a punch they made. Vodka, sprite, and maraschino cherry sauce.” He listed off, while placing the cup into my open hand.

“So like a spiked Shirley Temple?” I mused, my words muffled from my mouth being covered by the lip of the solo cup.

“Yeah, I guess.” Frank chuckled, his words muffled too, most likely taking a drink.

We sat there contently for a little while making casual conversation. Frank wrapped an arm over my shoulder; us getting comfy. More and more people were arriving however, and the place only grew louder. Frank got up a few more times, to my discontent, to refill our solo cups. The shit we were drinking was fucking strong, I couldn't help but cough a few times. By our third round, I was already feeling myself begin to sway and get lightheaded. The good part of this, though, was that I could actually feel my muscles relax and myself become more comfortable. By the time people were coming around to talk to Frank, I didn't care whether I knew them or not. Frank's speech we getting sloppy and slurred while he talked to people. I figured we should slow down before we end up puking our guts out in the morning.

“Frankie.” I said, tugging on his shoulder. I could feel him shift on the couch to face me, as he was in conversation with someone else.

“What is it, Gee?” He asked, his sweet liquored breath washing onto my face.

“Let's slow down on the drinks...I think I'm gonna go try and find a diet coke.” I offered, staring to shift my body, but Frank grabbed my arms.

“No, no. I'll go get it.” He offered, “I'll be two seconds.” I sighed but complied, still not completely drunk enough to like being alone. While Frank was gone that time, to my dismay, I felt a dip beside me. It was too soon to be Frank and I couldn't recognize their cologne or anything to indicate who they were.

“Heeey, Gee.” Tim's slurred, his foul breath invading my nostrils. I had to refrain from twitching my nose or gagging at his beer breath.

“Hi Tim.” I droned monotonously. Obviously he didn't get the hint I didn't want him there because, he draped an arm around me. I rolled my eyes not caring if he saw or not.

“Aw, don't be like that.” He cooed. I guess he saw.

“Leave me alone Tim.” I muttered, trying to scoot away, “I don't like you and Frank's going to be back.” I reminded

“So? Frankie needs to learn to share.” He pouted, pushing his lips onto my ear. Cringing away from the wet slimy sensation, I craned my face as far from his as I could manage on the crowded couch. Tim only scooted closer to me though.

“I don't think Frank cares about being selfish, only considering we're in a relationship.” I pointed out dryly. “Plus. I don't like you.”

“Ouch.” Tim fringed hurt, sucking in his breath, “You need to loosen up.” He said, lowering his voice and rubbing a hand down my inner thigh. Yanking my legs away, I curled in on myself not caring if I looked ridiculous. I couldn't see it, was my motto.

“Fuck off!” I demanded, raising my voice.

“Calm down.” Tim laughed, as if this was a joke. I was getting mad and terribly uncomfortable.

“Don't you want to have fun?” He purred, taking my earlobe in between his teeth. I yelped and snaked away from the touch, “I know you had fun with Frank earlier...why not share?” He pressed, slipping his hand between my thighs again and giving one a squeeze.

“Stop!” I weakly tried again, beginning to feel like I was drowning.

No matter how much I pushed him away, he didn't care at all and came right back. Like an annoying fly. No one cared. It probably just looked like another couple flirting. Tim didn't respond, moving a hand to my jaw and forcing his mouth on mine. Yelping in both mixed surprise and disgust, I pushed my hands against his shoulders, trying with all my strength to get him off my. Tim didn't care., though. He was a slime-ball pervert who had no disregard for others relationships. He only countered back with his own strength. Albeit he was drunk, but I was not very strong. His drunk strength matched my tipsy one. I clamped my lips closed, but he yanked on my hair, making me gasp. With this opportunity of my mouth open, he forced his tongue in.

Tears were welling in my empty eyes, spilling over. I was beginning to sob into the kiss. I didn't give a fuck though. I hoped it disgusted Tim. Tim, grabbed my shoulder, yanking me to my feet. Pulling back, I made a cry for help, but Tim clasped a hand over my mouth, shutting me up. I was terrified. I couldn't see shit and I was going to be taken to a room alone with Tim and most likely be raped. And that time my mind wasn't coming up with worst case scenarios. Because I was in the worst possible case scenario. Shaking in his grasp, I let myself go limp. If he wanted to assault me, he was going to have to do all the damn work; he'd have to drag me. No fucking way was I going to help. Tim grunted in my ear, as my body went limp, literally falling to the floor with a thump. Hundreds of pairs of feet I could feel danced around me. No one noticed though, too drunk or high.

“Fucking stand up!” He whisper shouted, one hand still over my mouth, the other trying to drag me. I didn't budge though. God, where was Frank?!

“What the fuck!” I heard a voice who I had thought would have been Franks, but instead was Sophie's, “What the fucking fuck are you fucking doing you stupid cunt, Hagevik?” She screeched over the noise. I heard a few people go silent and turn around. Tim froze not doing or saying anything. I just lay on the floor panting and crying, in fear. When no one moved, I could hear soft light footsteps stomp with all their might over to Tim and I. Then a loud crack of a slap. Tim yelped out in pain, letting go of me altogether.

“You fucking prick! What where you doing to Gerard?!” Sophie demanded, she sweet voice gone deadly.

“We were just fooling around.” He defended weakly. I started to shake my head in protest, not wanting Sophie to get the wrong idea. I wasn't a cheater. But Sophie replied too quick for me.

“Then why were you fucking dragging him? Why is he crying?” She yelled, bending down to help me up. I shook in her skinny arms, scared, ashamed, and still terrified. Sophie was strong though, and managed to lift me up. I curled into her wanting to disappear.

“I don't know!” Tim shouted meekly, like a kid knowing he was in trouble but still trying to sneak his way out. “He was getting nervous?” He ended in more like a form of a question.

“Bull-fucking-shit Tim! I swear to fucking GOD that if I EVER see you so much as LOOKING at Gerard I will cut your THROAT!” She shouted, the room completely gone silent now, ease dropping in on the drama. “And you all can quote me too! I don't care. I will personally murder you Hagevik. I will end your sorry ass life.” Sophie continued to threaten, her voice deadly and calm. She never even touched Tim, besides that one slap, yet she got her point across better than I think Frank could have. If it had been Frank I'm sure they would have just ended up in a physical fight.

When she was done, beginning to steer me out of the room and leading me upstairs, everyone started cheering. I don't know what Tim did or if anyone did anything to him either. I just was glad I was far away from him.

“Oh, Gerard.” She sighed sadly, helping me take the stairs with my trembling legs. “Tim is such a prick. I mean we all knew he was a prick...but I didn't think...” She trailed off; I could feel her shaking her head. I could only whimper in response.

Sophie wrapped a gentle arm over my shoulder in comfort. We took the steps carefully and slowly. There was no rush. She comforted me though, telling me to take my time. To just breath and not think about anything for a moment. It was then in those moments I realized why I liked Sophie so much. She reminded me of Sarah; reminded me of a sister. That's why it was so weird kissing her too on that dare. And in those abnormal moments of chaos and deranged sadness, I laughed. I laughed at such a time. Tilting my head back, I laughed at the thought of kissing Sophie was like kissing Sarah. And Frank was jealous over that.

“Gerard? Why are you laughing?” Sophie asked, sounding concerned, as we reached the landing. I shook my head clutching my belly.

“I just realized kissing you was like kissing my sister.” I tried to explain without sounding mean or crazy. Sophie didn't say anything and I could only imagine her puzzlement. I mean who would be laughing at a time like this; a time where they had almost gotten raped two minutes ago. Before I could explain, however, she directed me into a quite room, having me lie down on an unknown bed. Sophie crawled next to me, lifting my sweaty head of hair into her tiny lap, stroking her fingers through my hair for tender comfort.

“Okay. So why were you laughing again?” She asked, sounding amused that time. I chuckled just at the thought.

“Because.” I giggled, “I figured out you remind me of my sister. She's protective of me and she comforts me. And when I had to kiss you on that dare, I felt like I was kissing my sister, Sarah. And Frank's jealous over that kiss.”

“Did you hit your head or something? Are you drunk?” Sophie laughed too, resting a hand on my forehead as if checking for a fever. I swatted her hand away playfully.

“No.” I chuckled, “...Well maybe a little tipsy. But I'm not laughing because of it. I just find the idea funny that Frank would be jealous over something like that.”

“Okay. I guess that is kinda funny.” She offered, sounding like she was smiling. I was the best at telling if someone was smiling or not.

“Are you smiling?” I asked. I had to know for sure.

“Yeah...I am.” She chuckled, “How'd you know that?”

“I can tell by your voice.” I explained softly, feeling proud that I had been right. Sophie was quiet then, still carding her long nails across my scalp.

“You know you're something else, Gee.” She smirked, her voice gentle and calm. It made me almost sleepy. I sighed and closed my eyes.

“Yeah? Good or bad?” I wondered, teasing.

“Good of course.” She chuckled, patting my arm. “You're one of the kindest people I've ever met. Frank is lucky. He really is. And it makes me sick thinking about what Hagevik tried to do.” She went on, her voice getting harder and angrier. I sighed, furrowing my eyebrows together. I'd almost, kinda, not really forgotten.

“I'm sorry.” She whispered, seeing my reaction. I let out a heavy exhalation.

“It's okay...not your fault.” I mumbled. Sophie didn't say anything. I wondered if she was nodding her head or smiling sadly, since she wasn't used to not using those kind of gestures around me. We were quit a moment, our soft breathing filling the silent room.

“Where's Neil?” I wondered after a moment, as the thought came to me. I could feel her shrug.

“Dunno. Probably getting high or something. I'm used to him leaving....where's Frank? Do you know? She asked, sounding unsure whether she should be asking me this or not.

“He left to get me a diet pop before Tim showed up.” I reveled glumly, “I dunno what he's doing though. He must have gotten distracted.” Sophie hummed.

“Yeah. I'm used to that. Neil ditches me all the time.” She offered, sounding just as glum as me. I sighed heavily opening my eyes to darkness.

“Frank usually doesn't. He's usually very protective.” I said, trying to defend Frank. It was true. He hardly left me for longer than a few minutes. This made me wonder just exactly he was doing.

“I'm sure he has a good reason.” Soph's tried. I shrugged one shoulder up in her lap feeling suddenly very defeated.

“Are you okay, Gee?” She wondered softly, almost timidly as if I could break down any moment. I sniffled feeling tears well in my eyes.

“I don't think so.” I admitted, feeling the tears spill over my water line. Sophie cooed sadly, wiping the tears away with the pad of her thumb. “Thank you though.” I whispered.

“Thank you? For why?” She asked almost sounding shocked. I chuckled darkly.

“For saving me.” I murmured, closing my eyes again.

“Any time kiddo.” She nudged me. I smiled lopsidedly, snapping my eyes open.

“Hey, I'm older than you!” I yelped, trying to make her laugh. And she did, letting out a cute giggle.

“How do you know? Maybe I'm older!” She teased.

“Well how old are you then?” I inquired

“Seventeen.” She announced proudly.

“Ha! I'm eighteen.” I countered, making us both burst out into ridiculous laughter over something so trivial. Before we could comment anymore, the next moment, without warning the bedroom door slammed open. Jumping in Sophie's lap, I felt her hand flinch in my hair.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE!?” I heard Frank bellow from across the room. Neither of us had anytime to reply, though as Frank stormed towards us; gripping my shoulder, yanking me to my feet and out of Sophie's lap. “What are you two doing, huh?” He spit in my face, shaking me.

“HEY!” Sophie cut in, I could hear her getting to her feet as well. “Chill out. We weren't doing anything. Obviously.” She pointed out confoundedly.

“But the fuck out, Sophie. I heard that you two snuck off together.” He accused venomously, making me cringe and wither in his tight grip. “Is that true?” He roared at me. I could feel tears swell up in my eyes again.

“No.” I begged weakly.

“For your fucking information Frank Iero, I took Gerard up here because-”

“I don't want hear her your stupid excuses you stupid slut-cunt.” He cut her off in a rage, that made me start to sob. “I know you're like in love with Gerard. He's my fucking boyfriend. You have your own. So back off.” He demanded, and with that took my hand, dragging me out of the room and down the stairs. I could hear Sophie's frantic footsteps follow us, trying to get Frank to listen.

Moving our way through the crowd of people and the loud music, I felt Frank pause to rip open the front door and drag me out onto the lawn. All the work Sophie had done to calm me down had officially gone to smoke. I couldn't help but begin to choke on air, sobbing from my chest out my throat. Frank had never been so aggressive with me before. Sure he'd been aggressive before, but he'd never dragged me around, screaming in my face. Once we'd managed our way outside, I felt the relief of fresh spring air. Stepping onto soft ground, I somehow found strength and quite honestly, anger inside myself and ripped my arm out of Franks grip.

“Stop!” I shouted, hoping I was screaming in his direction so I didn't look like a dick, “Sophie was only taking care of me you idiot! Tim almost raped me! Because you left! Get over yourself. We don't like each other you fucking moron.” I defended, standing my ground.

“Well I didn't know I had to be around you 24/7!” Frank fought back, making me dizzy with rage and disbelief.

“So it's my fault I almost got raped?” I screeched feeling dumbfounded.

“Well you make it sound like this is all my fault for leaving to talk and drink with friends for not even an hour!”

“Well if you didn't want me to come to this stupid party you could have said so! I'm sorry I just get in your way!”

“Now you're just being ridiculous.” Frank laughed humorlessly.

“Me? I'm being ridiculous? You're the one overreacting.” I countered

“Only because I can't leave you for two seconds without finding you with someone! You say you worry about me leaving to Ohio, because of meeting other people, well how do you think I feel? Huh? How do I know you wont cheat!” He yelled.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I yelled back, “Oh my God. I can't do this anymore” I muttered, tilting my head to the skies. You know when you feel so fed up and you say things that comes to your mind without thinking them through? And they could ruin everything. That you wish you could swallow back the words and make them disappear...yet at the same time deep deep down inside of you, you feel relieved you let them out? Yeah. That's what just happened.

“What do you mean you can't do this anymore?” Frank accused, getting into my face. I shoved him back.

“I mean what I said. I can't deal with this.” I screamed, waving my hand between the two of us,

“All we do is fight now. And you don't even trust me. Everything's my fault. I can't even hangout with my friends without you accusing me of cheating. I've never even done anything to make you think like that either. NOTHING!” I spewed out, letting the flood gates open of word vomit; like tidal waves drowning us. “You make me feel bad about being assaulted because apparently it's my fault I couldn't stop it! You blame me. Every. Single. Time. I cannot take it Frank! You make me feel like shit.” I confessed, dropping to my knees feeling like I couldn't even hold the weight of my own body anymore.

“No!” Frank roared, charging towards me, “NO!” He repeated, lifting me to my feet and shaking me for the second time that night. “We are not breaking up.”

“I don't know what else to do.” I cried in defeat, feeling like my world was crashing around me all at once, a thousand times over. Frank held me for a moment, then all too suddenly let me go.

“FINE!” He shouted, dropping me to the ground of warm grass. “You know you haven't been a piece of cake either!” Frank countered, “I can't help it if I have to feel like I'm babysitting you all the time. I feel like I can't leave anywhere in fear you'll hurt yourself.”

“Well fine!” I sobbed, tears and snot fixing on my face; I lifted the back of my hand to my nose, wiping away the dripping snot with a wet noise. “I'm so sorry that I'm such a burden. Now you're free!” I yelled. “You see this is why everyone is afraid of you! You're just plain mean!” I sobbed “No wonder your Dad doesn't want to talk to you! All you do is yell at people and make them feel worthless. Why would anyone want to be around that?”

“Then why were you with me at all? HUH?” Frank shouted in my ear, probably bending over me as I sat like a duck on the grass. “If I'm that horrible?! You act like you're so innocent. You never even supported me leaving to Ohio. Where I could get a good education and be with my Mom. You're just as selfish Gerard.” He pointed out tears invading his cracking voice. It was true. But it didn't mean it didn't hurt any less.

“I hate you!” I countered like a child, lashing out and swinging my hands that coiled into fist. Connecting with Frank's chest, I felt evil satisfaction that wasn't much satisfaction at all. Frank hissed in pain, jumping back. “Go screw everyone in Ohio then.” I screamed, reaching around my neck to unclasp the necklace he had given me for my birthday, “You're good at that.” I ended, chucking the stupid heart locket at him.

“I will then! And I'll be glad I got away from you!” Frank sobbed, his voice flooded with bitter tears. I shook my head, getting to my feet and charged for Frank shoving him forward.

“Then leave!” I shouted in his face for a change, “Fucking leave me alone!”

“FINE! Watch me. Oh wait? You fucking can't!” He snarled. I stared blankly, eyes filled with tears, ears ringing. It took me a moment to comprehend what Frank had just said from the shock and whiplash I was experiencing. I couldn't believe... Before I could even start crying again, I felt Frank was gone. From the lawn and from inside my heart.

*****

Once Frank was gone, I crumbled back onto the grassy yard. Screaming and crying like a new born baby, I felt like my chest was caving in. I felt like the world was shattering and crashing down right on top of me. I would never experience such a pain more excruciating than that one. I was sure of it. Grasping blades of grass into my fingers, I tugged them from their roots, wanting something, anything else to feel my crippling pain. I was making a scene. I knew it. I was sobbing and howling on Hagevik's front lawn. But fuckin screw him. I just wanted the aching whole in my chest to dissipate. I couldn't believe Frank and I had actually broken up. Yet at the same time, I knew it was true. It was for real and he wouldn't just come back and we'd make up. We were over and I wanted to die. I was stuck between numb and overwhelmed. I had just lost the love of my life. The love I'd thought I'd truly spend the rest of my life with. My head was spinning trying to comprehend what was going on. How had I gone from having the night of my life; fucking my boyfriend in a limo, going to my first prom to almost getting raped and then breaking up with said boyfriend? I had no idea... God hated me. That's what I came up with. God was laughing down at me, a little bug in his big 'ole mighty palm, cackling at how entertaining my pathetic life was. I prayed right there on the grass for God to just smash me dead on the spot.

I didn't think my heart could take anymore heartache and pain. I wanted death. I wanted a void of emptiness to consume my soul, leave me rotting in the ground with the bugs and flowers. My mind was drifting, going back to everything bad that had ever happened to me, feeding the fire of pain and despair in my heart. Dad dying. Going blind. Mom being alone. Making Matt and Sarah worry about me. All my emotional breakdowns. Meeting Frank. Breaking up with Frank. Then all the good thing. Because sometimes those make you cry harder and make you feel even worse. Again. Meeting Frank at the mall. Him hitting me in the face with that stupid baseball. Him giving me my first cigarettes. Him convincing me to take my sunglasses off. Going to Frank's gig. Making love to Frank for the first time on Christmas Eve. Frank taking me to my first concert. To my first and last prom. By the end of this montage, I wanted death more than ever. Tugging at my hair's roots, I curled into a ball wishing to go back to the comfort of my mothers womb when I didn't even know what pain was.

“Gerard?” Sophie whispered, startling me as her soft timid voice came from behind me. Sniffling; it stung to open my dead eyes. “Ohhh, Gee.” She sighed sadly. I felt my face crumble and crack, tears spurting from my eyes. Sophie rushed over to me, crouching down and gathering me into her tiny arms.

“Shh. Shh.” She consoled, rocking me back and forth, rubbing my back, “Oh Gerard. What happened?” She wondered hesitating.

“F-F-Fr-Frank a-and I br-bro-broke u-uh-up.” I stammered and chocked, sucking in unsteady air. I felt like a child again.

“Do you want me to take you home?” She offered kindly. I only nodded.

“Cuh-C-Could y-you c-c-call S-Suh-Sarah?” I blubbered, reaching into my back pocket with shaky hands and handing her my cell. Sophie was quite. I assumed she nodded. Then I heard a dial, indicating Sophie was waiting for Sarah to pick up.

“Hello?” Sarah asked, sounding confused

“Um. Hello. This is Sophie. Gerard's friends. Um. Could you pick him up...” She went on. Of course Sarah agreed and Sophie told her the address all the while attempting to comfort me. But by that point it was useless. I was lost into oblivion where I belonged. It just took me awhile to realize that I didn't deserve to be an actual person.

Sarah came and got me fast, but not as fast as I would have wanted. Fast for me would have been to teleport. Nonetheless she got there in record time. Sophie helped Sarah get me to the car, and told Sarah if she needed help with anything just to let her know. Sarah thanked her greatly then climbed into the car quickly. We were quite. Sarah let me sob, because sobbing was all I could manage. Sophie had already told Sarah that Frank and I had broken up, that way she would have at least an idea of why I was such a torn up mess.

Once Sarah got me home, I was still crying like I'd just started. Sarah was patient and understanding. She let me cry all I wanted to, as she bathed me like a child and dressed me in pajamas like a child too. Sarah even let me sleep in her bed, cuddled close to me. I needed it though. I needed someone around me to remind myself I was real. That all the pain I was feeling was real. I didn't know which was worse though. That fact my pain was real or the thought of the pain not being real, but a cruel joke within my brain. A screw up in chemicals tricking me into feeling all this pain with no purpose...

I wanted Frank so bad. But he was gone and I was done. Shaking against Sarah's chest, she shushed me tenderly, stroking my hair away from my wet cheeks, even though all her gestures didn't stop me from crying or screaming. I howled, angry in the back of my throat frustrated at how the night had gone. That I had lost the love of my life. That he let me lose him. That he didn't even fight for me to stay. I felt like my body was trying to rip itself in two. Sarah just did all she could in holding me tight, telling she loved me. Telling me she knew it hurt. But she didn't. Not one would ever understand the gravity of the pain I was feeling. Not now, not ever.

Notes

Epilogue coming next. Perhaps tomorrow but don't hold me to it. And please don't hate me. I know what I'm doing. And after the epilogue I'll make a post and link you to the sequel. Comments, Rate, Subscribe!