Just Think Happy Thoughts

"Then tell me... who am I?" I asked Frank, though I already knew what the answer would be. I took a deep breath to prepare for what he was about to say.



"You're Kairi Kalver. Seth Kalver, he's your father" he said with a serious tone. 



"I'm sorry I didn't tell you" I said. I dropped my head and stared at the floorboards beneath me. I heard Frank's footsteps coming closer as I stood there awkwardly, waiting for the moment to pass and hoping my anxiety would subside. All of a sudden I felt Frank's hand on my chin. He lifted my head up and looked me straight in the eyes. My heartbeat started to speed up and I could feel my face getting hot. 



"I understand. I know what you were probably thinking. Maybe people would only like you because of who your dad was. Or maybe they would even hate you because they would be jealous of you. Am I right?" Frank asked, his hand still on my chin.



"Mhm. And..."



"And it's hard to talk about isn't it?" Frank interrupted. 



"Mhm" I agreed as I nodded my head.



"Are you alright?" he asked. His expression changed from serious to sympathetic. Before I could answer I felt myself being pulled into a hug. Frank stood there with his arms wrapped around me tightly. By then my heart felt like it would explode. I stood there not knowing what to do but as the past came rushing back to me I felt tears well up in my eyes.

I was six when my parents separated. My father was the lead singer and guitarist of legendary band Ashes to Ashes so he was always touring. After being together for thirteen years, but barely being together, my mother couldn’t take the waiting anymore so she gave up. She could have went on tour with him sure, and she always did when she was younger, but back then she didn’t have me to worry about. As I got older and had to go to school my mom wanted to keep me in a stable environment. Things between my father and mother seemed fine, but my mother was slowly breaking. Her last words to him before their separation were: “I need to find my own dreams, we’ve been chasing yours.” She would come to regret those words. They remained on friendly terms but things were different because my father wasn’t living with us anymore. To me, it didn’t feel like home anymore. Their separation was hard for me. I was actually very close to my father despite all the time he spent away. In some ways we were a lot alike. When I was two, my mother and I went on tour with him and one day while he was on stage singing, I began to mimic him. Once he was off stage I told him I wanted to sing too. My mother told him I already had a beautiful voice and she told me to show him, so I did. After that, my father would give me vocal lessons and teach me how to play guitar everyday I saw him. I didn’t even mind because I loved it just as much as he did. I still saw my father whenever he was home but it was even less than before. Finally, when I was nine, I believed I would get my family back. It was the last day of the year long world tour my father had been on. My mother and I decided to watch the live show on television. Ashes to Ashes was playing their last show in London, England. For the final song, my father brought out his acoustic guitar. He dedicated the song to my mother. It was a new song that no one had heard before called The Distance Between. That’s when my mother realized that it was a mistake to leave him. After the band had left the stage she called my father and said: “You’re my dream, you always have been and I’m stupid for not realizing that until now, so please come home and we’re gonna do this again, forever this time, no matter how hard it will be.” And so the day came when my mother and father would be together again. It was going to be the happiest day of our lives. But our dreams fell short, when that very same day the plane was coming in, and it had burst into flames, right in front of our eyes.

As I stood there with memories rushing back, I began to cry harder. Frank hugged me tighter and stroked one hand up and down my back. I kept these feelings bottled up inside me for a long time but for some reason Frank was able to rip them right out of me.



"When it happened" I began, but Frank interrupted.



"You don't have to tell me."



"I want to" I assured him. He nodded.

"When it happened, I was there."



"What do you mean... you were there?" he asked. He pulled back a little and looked at me.



"Me and my mom, we were at the airport waiting. We saw his plane coming in. We saw..." I stopped as I began to sob. 



"Stop Kai. You don't need to say anymore" he said as he wiped a tear from my cheek with his index finger.



"No. Let me finish" I choked out between sobs. "We saw the plane explode. My mom, she reacted naturally. She screamed and she cried. I just stood there, staring at the flames."



"You were in shock" he stated. 



"Maybe, but I didn't cry at the funeral either" I told him. He cupped my cheeks in his hands.



"You didn't want to accept it" he said as he stared at me with a pained expression.



"This is the most I've cried about it. Actually, this is the only time" I admitted. My eyes were heavy and stinging. Frank took one of his hands from my cheek and began to wipe more of my tears.

“It’s good to cry sometimes” he said, one of his hands still caressing my cheek.

“I want to tell you more” I said.

“If it will make you feel better. I’m here to listen.”

We went over to my bed and sat down facing each other. I was still crying but I began to tell him the whole story of my father and mother anyway. Halfway through it I was shaking so he scooted closer to me and held me as I went on. I calmed down and after that story I shared happier stories with him and I smiled and laughed through my subsiding tears and Frank would smile and laugh back making it all the more better. All of these stories of my father I had kept locked away for I feared my own feelings, but Frank was able to help me finally cope with them and I felt so relieved.

“You know why my father named the band Ashes to Ashes?” I asked.

“That question has been haunting me for the past five years” he said. “Spill it!”

“My mother was his inspiration. She always was” I replied.

“Oooh! I get it! Ashley, Ashes. That man was brilliant with music and women. I hope I can be like him one day!” he effervesced.

“I’m glad you can say something like that. He was a great man” I affirmed.

"Well then, are you okay now?" Frank asked as he smiled his beautiful smile.



"I'm okay now" I said, beaming at him, my tears now nonexistent. Frank wrapped his arms around me once again. My heart jumped at his every touch but I ignored it and I nuzzled into his chest. I was okay, not only because I had finally let out the emotions I had locked away for years, but also because Frank was there, holding me, and I felt safe in his arms.

Notes

I tried so hard on this one. Hope you guys enjoy! :)