F*ck and Run

Gerard slid onto the stool next to Mikey in the small, warm kitchen. The younger Way was busy scrolling through a scan of some sort on his laptop. The text on the pages looked old and faded. It was hard to tell how much of it was due to the image quality and how much of it was due to the condition of the original work… not that Gerard actually cared too much about these things. Mikey had always been the one to do the complicated research.
It wasn’t as though Gerard had left it all up to Mikey, though. Mikey had just been in college when Gerard had been bitten. He’d had all kinds of library collections and databases at his fingertips. And as time went on, Mikey simply understood more about Gerard’s condition than Gerard did. And he was always learning more. It made sense to leave the research up to Mikey. Most of the time, he already knew where to look.
Mikey’s databases came in handy all the time. Especially in moments like these, where Gerard had dug himself into some strange situation he may or may be able to find his own way out of. The situation in question was still sitting in the other room with a beer in his hand, presumably. Unless Frank had taken off running. And if he had, neither Mikey, nor Gerard, could blame him.
That said, neither of them wanted to chase Frank through the cold to make sure he didn’t die of exposure, so Gerard made a point to make their conversation quick. He avoided Mikey’s gaze, not wanting to see the brotherly judgement he knew was residing in his eyes.
“Can you e-mail Jamia and just let her know that both um... Frank and her car are in one piece?” Gerard asked softly.
“Barely.” Mikey scoffed, minimizing the scan he’d been reading and opening his e-mail.
Gerard pretended to ignore his brother’s comment as he watched him draft up a message for Jamia. He called her ‘J’ and referred to Frank as ‘Frankie.’ Gerard might’ve asked more about their office nicknames if he wasn’t so distracted.
“He seems to be taking it well.” Gerard commented softly, picking at a loose fiber on his jeans, leaning towards Mikey so that his voice wouldn’t carry far.
Gerard looked up at Mikey when he let out a small incredulous breath of a laugh. He was just blinking helplessly at his older brother, shaking his head.
“What?” Gerard asked defensively, “It could be worse...”
“You’re right, it could be.” Mikey agreed, rolling his eyes. He lifted a hand in the direction of the den, “But you can’t call that taking it well. Put him in front of the wolf again and tell me he’s ‘taking it well.’”
“I’m never going to let him near it.” Gerard promised solemnly, more to himself than to Mikey, “Not ever again.”
“That’s a nice thought.” Mikey offered sarcastically, “But let’s be fucking realistic. You’re putting him right in front of it right this very second, aren’t you? Couldn’t you hypothetically change back at any minute? I still have no idea why you haven’t already, Gerard...”
“It… doesn’t feel like I’m going to?” Gerard mused, still puzzled.
“Well, that’s beside the point.” Mikey argued.
“Is it?” Gerard asked, “Mikey… maybe… maybe there’s a cure? Or a way to control it? You’ve read about that, what? Hundreds of times? Maybe it’s right under our noses? Maybe I just haven’t tapped into it yet?”
“Don’t get your hopes up like that.” Mikey sighed, tired eyes roaming sympathetically over his older brother, “Not before I’ve done the research.”
“Research. Right.” Gerard echoed, “What the fuck was that thing about... love?”
“It’s an old text. Something about false wolves and an old witch’s curse.” Mikey shrugged, “It’s written like a fucking fairytale so I don’t know how credible it is. I’ll have to cross-reference it with another text I have on the origins of lycanthropy that suggests different types of mutations… But that’s got a lot of big sciencey words I don’t know about genetics and shit. It might take me awhile to read.”
“Well, should I…?” Gerard trailed off, taking a step towards the den. Frank’s smell was driving him crazy. He was anxious to return to his terrified mess of an un-boyfriend.
“Go... take care of him.” Mikey grimaced, “But my advice? Give him some space. He needs to process this by himself. And with the curse… I don’t know what we’re dealing with here. You might’ve already fucked that up by kissing him. Kissing was like third base when this shit was written, after all. But who knows? I just skimmed over a low-res scan of the documents...”
“Right.” Gerard nodded, to make sure Mikey knew he was still listening.
“I’m a little concerned because there was a clause in there about you getting stuck...” Mikey added.
“Stuck?” Gerard asked.
“Yeah. Stuck.” Mikey nodded, “As a wolf. Forever. If you take a human life.”
“Oh…” Gerard breathed.
“Yeah.” Mikey agreed, “Oh.”
“Shit.” Gerard commented, feeling his chest tighten. The thought was overwhelming to say the least.
“Just be careful.” Mikey cautioned, waving Gerard off, “Don’t... I don’t even know. Don’t do anything monumentally more stupid than what you’ve already done… like, kill him. Jamia officially knows he’s here. There’s an information trail now, timelines, et cetera.”
Gerard watched as Mikey clicked ‘send’ on the e-mail to Jamia. He chose to pretend he hadn’t heard the part about killing Frank. He was still pretty traumatized by the idea that he had almost already done exactly that.
“I’m not helping you hide a body. I’ve already covered up enough.” Mikey said evenly. He didn’t even sound like he was joking either and it sort of freaked Gerard out.
“If I feel myself turning I’ll head for the basement.” Gerard promised, sliding off the stool.
“I really want to put headphones on… but I guess I’ll keep one off.” Mikey said, “Yell for me if you need… anything, I guess?”
Gerard nodded solemnly, leaning in to hug his brother goodnight. It was brief but heartfelt.
“Thank you.” Gerard said, “For handling this… I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”
“Yeah. Yeah.” Mikey mumbled, turning his face away to hide his smile.

Gerard knew exactly what he’d be doing if Mikey hadn’t been there for him. Not just tonight, but always. Mikey had always been there. To get him through those first couple of transitions after he’d been bitten. To talk him through heartache and suicidal thoughts and one hell of a bad drinking habit. To drive him out to the woods all the time…
Without Mikey, Gerard would probably be gone altogether.
~

In the other room, Frank continued to sip his beer. He lazily listened to the faint tones of Gerard and Mikey talking in the kitchen. He couldn’t really follow what they were saying, but he was too exhausted and distracted to put too much effort into it anyways. He figured he could just ask Gerard whenever he came back.
Frank approved of whatever “updating” Mikey had done to the upholstery in the room because the couch underneath him was incredibly comfortable. His brain was still reeling with questions, but the warmth of the fire was pushing the threat of sleep. He’d taken his winter coat off and draped it over the arm of the couch. The fire was hot enough for him to be comfortable in just his t-shirt.
He wished he had a computer because he was sure a quick google search could satisfy a lot of what was going on in the forefront of his mind. Frank understood the curse of the werewolf in an abstract sort of way: you had to be bitten by one, and then you became one, turning under every full moon. The idea that this could actually happen to a person was something Frank could sort of understand. The idea that it had already happened to the person he’d been rooming with for the past month or so (and fucking for even longer than that) was a little over Frank’s conceptual capabilities in that moment.
Little realizations were falling into place with every passing second, and with them, came waves of emotions. Anger. Confusion. Hurt.
Frank had thought he knew the person he’d been sleeping next to and he’d been so wrong.
Could they sustain something they’d built on lies? That was the first thing Frank found himself wondering. They’d both fucked everything up so spectacularly that trying to form some semblance of a relationship after all of this seemed completely fucking foolish.
Next Frank couldn’t help but ask himself if any of it changed how he felt about Gerard. His immediate response was ‘no,’ it didn’t change anything. With this realization came a fluttering feeling in his chest. It could’ve just been a fleeting result of his adrenaline finally tapering off, but something told Frank it was more than that.
Gerard made him feel this way all the time. Or, the person he’d thought Gerard was had made him feel this way all the time. And Frank had driven all the way up to the cabin in the first place to tell Gerard about that feeling, to sort everything out, to apologize for last night and this morning, and Valentine’s day and everything else that had gone wrong.
It was completely ridiculous that Frank was concerned with where they stood romantically over what Gerard was. He knew that. Gerard was right to be offended, Frank supposed.
But the way Frank saw it, it was just a coping mechanism. It was easier to think about the logistics of where to go from here, than it was to think about the reality of their situation.
The reality kept coming for him though, as much as he tried to push it away: The person Frank had chased halfway to Canada was literally something out a fucking horror movie.
Gerard was a monster.

Frank had finished off his drink by the time Gerard returned to the room. He cocked his head to the side in curiosity as he took in Frank’s comfortable, lazy position on the couch. Frank bit his lip to stop himself from pointing out how dog-like the unconscious gesture was. It sort of made him giddy. Some part of him (a part that wasn’t as hopelessly in love as it was furious with Gerard) was just curious, excited even, over discovering he was in the company of a creature he’d always presumed to be fictional.
The pale yellow was gone from Gerard’s eyes, but there was still something wild about his appearance that Frank couldn’t place.
“What?” Gerard asked, he hesitated by the end of the couch, like he couldn’t gauge if Frank was cool with him getting any closer or not.
“Nothing.” Frank said quickly, patting a hand cushion beside him to beckon Gerard closer.
“No, what?” Gerard pressed, hesitating for another second before giving in and returning to his seat beside Frank.
“It’s just… Now that I see it, I can’t unsee it.” Frank mused, not even bothering to pretend he wasn’t looking Gerard over for other hints of the lycanthropy.
“Oh...” Gerard said, frowning softly.
“No. It’s okay.” Frank said, aiming for reassuring.
“It’s… okay?” Gerard repeated slowly, “I mean, you haven’t run away screaming but are you actually okay with this?”
“I tried to run away screaming.” Frank snorted, “You cornered me.”
“That’s not funny.” Gerard intoned softly.
“It’s…” Frank paused, trying to work the smile off his face, “Not funny, you’re right. But I’m allowed to joke about my own near-death experience.”
Gerard’s eyes widened, almost comically, in horror.
“That’s what would’ve happened, right?” Frank asked, “If something hadn’t… stopped you.”
Gerard seemed to shrink back from Frank a little, then, as he mulled over how to answer.
“I think so…” Gerard said eventually, nodding, “I’m not sure. The wolf has shown an interest in Mikey and um, other people in the past. We’ve never tried to figure out if it’s malicious or not...”
Gerard lowered his gaze.
“I’m okay with this, Gerard.” Frank said, reaching out to rest his hand on Gerard’s arm, “Or, I want to be okay with this? I feel like I’m okay with this, but I need… I don’t know? Time?”
“Of course.” Gerard nodded solemnly, “I understand… I was going to wait until you weren’t so busy... I didn’t want to spring this on you like this. I thought-”
It wasn’t until Frank saw Gerard’s lips curl into a deep frown, that he realized Gerard had misunderstood. Gerard thought that Frank was looking to reject him politely, that this was another thing Frank was going to say he simply didn’t have time for.
Frank didn’t have time for it, if he was totally honest with himself. There was no way in hell he could pencil a werewolf into his busy schedule, but suddenly, he didn’t care. Gerard being flaky and aloof because he was off in the woods somewhere transitioning into a fucking werewolf every night was a lot different than Gerard being flaky and aloof because he wanted to fuck other people. Frank was sure being with Gerard came with it’s own set of problems… he’d just have to fit them in somehow, around apartment hunting and interns and scheduling tour dates...
“I didn’t mean it like-” Frank started to say and then he lunged forward, pressing his lips against Gerard’s. He pressed himself into Gerard’s warmth, kissing him slow and desperate, frantically searching for a way to wordlessly convey the overwhelm of conflicting emotions.
“Frank, don’t-” Gerard protested, trying to push Frank away, but not too far away, “I don’t know how contagious I am. You don’t-”
“Oh. Right.” Frank breathed. He made no effort to move out of Gerard’s space, but stopped trying to attack him with his lips. He wiped his mouth off on the back of his hand as if it would help.
“Gerard, I drove up here to tell you that I wanted… wanted to make time for us.” Frank tried softly, leaning his forehead against Gerard’s, “I wanted to be an us.”
“Wanted?” Gerard echoed, “As in past tense?”
“I don’t…” Frank faltered, “I don’t know anymore. I’m so fucking mad at you but I-”
Frank stopped. He didn’t know what to say.
“It’s okay if this is too much.” Gerard said evenly, “If you decide you want nothing to do this… I’d never hold it against you, Frank. I’d understand.”
“Shut up.” Frank said, pecking Gerard’s cheek, “I love you. I’m not going to bail on you like that I just-”
“But you l-... like me under false pretenses.” Gerard pointed out morosely, “You’re allowed to bail.”
“I’m pretty pissed you didn’t tell me…” Frank said, “But right now I just want… I want you to kiss me.”
“I want to. Believe me, I do, but Frank if you caught it...” Gerard , “I- I’ve already exposed you too much… just… stay back. Please.”
Gerard tried to squirm away from Frank, but Frank only mirrored his movements. As Gerard tried to pull back, Frank leaned forward more.
“I don’t have a lot of self control right now…” Gerard begged, placing a hand on Frank’s chest to keep him back, “This is a really bad idea.”
“Like you would know a bad idea if it fucking hit you.” Frank scoffed.
“I resent that.” Gerard huffed, dropping his hand. He’d leaned so far back on the cushions, Frank had to practically crawl on top of him to keep up. Their faces were still inches apart. Frank could feel Gerard’s warm breath against his face.
“You know what would be a bad idea, Gerard?” Frank asked, “Letting someone sleep next to you every night, letting them fall in love with you, and failing to mention you’re a fucking werewolf.”
“I didn’t make you do... that.” Gerard argued, “If that’s what happened... you came to it all on your own.”
“So you deny all responsibility?” Frank asked, raising an eyebrow, “You fucking would. You can’t even fucking say the word out loud.”
“I can… I just…” Gerard faltered.
“You said it before.” Frank pointed out softly, “Why can’t you say it now?”
“I’m sorry… I just wasn’t expecting any of this.” Gerard offered, “After Valentine’s day and last night and this morning… I thought I’d lost you for good, Frank… And now you’re… here. And you’re not running away screaming…”
“You think this is any easier for me?” Frank asked, “You think I was expecting this?”
“That’s not what I’m trying to say.” Gerard said, shaking his head, “Look, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else you want me to say. I’m just... so fucking sorry.”
“That’s a good start.” Frank said.
He closed the short distance between them, pressing his lips against Gerard’s again. Gerard had apparently given up on fighting it because he kissed back sweetly, desperately.
“I’ll punish you later. I swear.” Frank threatened in between kisses, “You’re in so much fucking trouble.”
Gerard just hummed, leaning in to kiss Frank again. Frank parted his lips, inviting Gerard in. It felt so good to have Gerard’s hands on him, to be in love, to sort of be on the same page for once...
“Fucking shit.” Mikey called out loudly, startling their lips apart.
When Frank looked up, panting softly, Mikey was wandering back into the den with a hand over his eyes.
“Updated upholstery, Gerard.” Mikey offered threateningly, using a tone of voice that, up until now, Frank only seen him break out when negotiating record deals, “Third base?”
“Um?” Frank breathed, feeling his cheeks heat up, “Wh-”
“Oh, I’ll explain that later. It’s not what you think.” Gerard said, squirming out from under Frank, sliding off the couch, and urging Frank to follow him by extending a hand for Frank to grab.
“We were just leaving anyways.” Gerard huffed.
“Yep. That’s exactly what it looked like.” Mikey sighed sarcastically.
Frank let himself be pulled off the couch. He rose on unsteady legs, watching as Mikey lowered his open laptop onto the coffee table and settled onto the couch across from where they’d been sitting. He hadn’t realized how much he was shaking until he was trying to follow Gerard out of the room smoothly.
“Jamia says she loves you, by the way.” Mikey called after them, “I told her you love her, too... And that you’re buying us drinks next week, after the board meeting.”
“I… Thank you?” Frank called over his shoulder.
“Come on.” Gerard said, once they were out of the room, “I’ll show you to the guest room. Or, well, I mean, that’s where we’re going. Together. I’m not gonna like… But I mean, I guess if you want to be alone, I can- or, if you want to talk we can…”
Frank had never heard Gerard trip over his words so much. He supposed Gerard was nervous. He’d probably be nervous too. Or, he was nervous too, but for completely different reasons. He was following a person very capable of of tearing him to shreds into complete darkness in a strange house in the middle of the woods.
“Um. Okay?” Frank said softly, not sure what else there was to do but go along with whatever Gerard thought was right.
His eyes weren’t adjusting to the light, no matter how much he strained to see, but Gerard didn’t let go of Frank’s hand as he lead them down the long, dark hallway. He held onto it as they made their way up a set of creaky wooden stairs. It was nice to not have to find his own way in the darkness. It was nice to follow instead of leading, because he was definitely too lost to lead them in any direction.
They went down another hallway, around a corner, down another short hallway and to the right. Just when Frank was sure he wouldn’t be able to find his way back to the den, Gerard led them into a small room.
The moonlight cascaded in through the windows along the far wall, faintly illuminating the furniture in the room. Gerard finally slipped his hand out of Frank’s to cross the room and turn on a small lamp.
Frank squinted in the dim light, taking in the room around him. There was a set of bunk beds with a desk in between, off the one side of the room. Another bed sat under the windows.
Gerard bit his lip as he stared at Frank, clearly trying to gauge what Frank was feeling. Or maybe he just couldn’t believe that they were both really here. Frank was having a hard time believing it himself.
Gerard perched himself on the edge of the bed under the windows. There was a square of moonlight beside him on the bedspread. He eyed it cautiously for a moment before returning his gaze back up to Frank.
“I used to spend my summers here when I was a kid. This cabin has been in my family for… awhile.” Gerard said, “I’m not sure how long. It was my grandmother’s. Some of my cousins still use it in the summer but mostly it’s just us.”
Frank felt weirdly like he was on a stage, just standing in the middle of the room with Gerard staring up at him, so he crossed the room and sat beside Gerard on the bed. Close, but not too close.
“So um…” Gerard paused, “If you want to talk about this more, we can. But if you don’t, that’s fine, too… Whatever you want, really.”
He held out his hand, palm up and slid it towards Frank. Frank wasn’t sure if he was supposed to take Gerard’s hand or if Gerard was even aware of the gesture at all…
“But, um, I just want to say something...” Gerard continued, meeting Frank’s eyes and then quickly darting his gaze away again, “I know I lied to you. I know I... kept things from you… But I hope you can understand why I did that. You can hate me for it as long as you understand that I just needed to keep you... away from this... Away from what I am.”
He shifted his gaze back to Frank and the pale yellow color had returned to his eyes. The color was even stranger in the pale moonlight that was reflecting off the bedspread. Gerard’s gaze flitted away again, and the yellow vanished.
“But, you can ask me anything you want.” Gerard added, “About this. About anything. Nothing about me will ever be off-limits to you ever again, Frank. I promise.”
Frank bit his lip as Gerard glanced over at him again. His eyes had returned to their natural, hazel color. He wondered if Gerard knew his eyes were doing that, if he could feel it, if it meant he was close to changing again. Frank had never seen it happen before. He would’ve remembered something like that.
Gerard leaned closer then and it made Frank flinch back. He hadn’t meant to do it, but his apparent timidness seemed to pain Gerard. The wolfish man didn’t even try to fight the frown that spread across his lips.
“I don’t want you to be afraid of me...” Gerard said, recoiling, “I would never hurt you. Not intentionally.”
“I know.” Frank said softly.
“I’m so fucking sorry...” Gerard said, reaching his hand forward to try and touch Frank but then quickly pulling it away again, “Incredibly fucking sorry.”
He was looking at Frank like Frank was supposed to say something, but Frank had no idea what he was supposed to say. People didn’t usually apologize because they were sorry. They apologized because they needed to be reassured that they were forgiven.
But Gerard seemed genuinely sorry. Frank knew he was.
“You weren’t supposed to find out like this...” Gerard sighed.
“How the fuck was I supposed to find out?” Frank found himself asking. His voice came out angrier than he meant for it to, but if he was honest he was angrier than he meant to be.
“I guess you just… weren’t?” Gerard said, “I mean I thought about telling you… um, Valentines Day… outside of that restaurant but it felt wrong? It’s always just felt wrong. I didn’t want you to think I was crazy. I mean, you already do, I’m sure, but...”
“That’s not really an excuse.” Frank pointed out.
“I was going to tell you as soon as things were more stable... Your living situation, your job…” Gerard offered, “At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I’m sure I would’ve found more reasons to not tell you. I always seem to...”
“Would you have just… kept seeing me indefinitely?” Frank asked, “And never told me? Did you really think I’d never find out?”
“Well… no.” Gerard said, “The problem usually resolves itself, Frank. Most people don’t stick around long enough to find out. I don’t let them… And you’re no exception.”
Gerard returned his gaze back to Frank again, and this time he held it. Frank smiled weakly in spite of himself. It was a nervous habit. The intensity of Gerard’s stare was mind-numbing and all-encompassing in a way that made Frank forget himself, if only for a moment.
Frank was sort of offended all of a sudden, but only because Gerard had implied that Frank fit in with “most people,” and somewhere in his head he’d always thought Gerard might think of him as more than that. Even if they were nothing more than friends with benefits or whatever, he’d always sort of thought he was special to Gerard in some way.
They were in love with one another, sure, whatever abstract value that had. Or, Gerard had said he loved Frank before. But maybe Gerard fell in love easily, all the time? Frank didn’t, but some people did. Maybe Gerard genuinely fell in love with everyone he slept with? If werewolves existed, it wasn’t so hard to believe something like that.
“I’ve never been able to picture anyone actually wanting to be with me... if they knew.” Gerard went on, “Even if they didn’t end up running away, screaming... I’m such a fucking inconvenience. I hate how much of Mikey’s time I take up as it is, but he’s my brother and I think he likes exiling himself to the cabin every month. It’s different with him. But I change 5 nights out of every 29. And I’m a mess for days before and after. I won’t get into details. Unless you want me to… But I’d never wish the misery of being with me on anyone. Not long term. The plan was to just enjoy my time with you until you got fed up with my bullshit and left… like you did last week.”
“But you can’t just decide things like that for people.” Frank argued, “That’s not fair. You can’t just assume no one will ever be cool with it. You have to be honest and open and then let people decide for themselves if it’s a fucking inconvenience or not.”
“This isn’t a game, Frank” Gerard argued, “I’m completely allowed to decide that for people. I’m a fucking freak and there are repercussions if someone finds out and they aren’t cool with it. Have you seen the X-Files? I’m sure there are plenty of mad scientists out there who would love to cut me up and take a look at my insides.”
“Well I’m fucking cool with it.” Frank huffed, “I always would’ve been cool with it. It’s fucking cool.”
“It’s not cool.” Gerard said, shaking his head, “It’s disgusting and painful and dangerous. Not to mention potentially contagious… and incredibly time-consuming...”
“We’ll figure it out.” Frank promised, reaching out to glide his fingers along Gerard’s jawline. Gerard leaned into Frank’s touch and closed his eyes. He hummed as Frank ran a hand over his damp, black hair. Again, Frank found his mannerisms so dog-like.
“The X-Files is just a fucking TV show.” Frank added comfortingly, “Nobody is going to turn you in.”
“I’m not trying to guilt you into feeling sorry for me... or staying with me.” Gerard said softly, “I’m just trying to help you understand why I had to lie about this...”
“I’m not mad at you for lying,” Frank said, “I’m mad at you for not trusting me... Especially if you love me.”
It was hard for Frank say the L-word smoothly. It felt so strange to say it out loud. He worried Gerard would pick up on this, but Gerard just kept his eyes closed and continued to nuzzle against Frank’s hand. At least Frank could say it at all...
“I trust you… it’s just… complicated.” Gerard offered hesitantly. He covered the hand Frank had pressed against his cheek with his own and pressed his lips to Frank’s palm. The thoughtless intimacy seemed so natural, so easy for Gerard. It made Frank blush. Frank looked away, eyes nervously roaming around the room. It felt fitting that they were having this conversation here, in a place so personal to Gerard. Even if Frank had sort of forced his way into this situation, both Gerard and his brother had welcomed him in... and handed him a beer even. That had to count for something, didn’t it?
“I um, I think I sort of knew already…” Frank admitted.
“You... knew?” Gerard asked, lips moving against Frank’s hand. He slid his lips down over Frank’s wrist and let them linger there. His warm breath cascaded over Frank’s skin as he pressed a slow, gentle kiss there. When Frank looked back over, heart pounding, Gerard was staring back at him.
He was starting to get sort of stiff from sitting so still, but he was afraid to move. He didn’t want to do anything that might make Gerard stop.
“Well there were just little things…” Frank said softly, “At first anyways. Like, you had this cut on your face when I came over once, and it was gone by the time I left... And then sometimes you growl in your sleep. I thought I was dreaming it at first… but then- And you really could’ve come up with a smoother lie, you know? Going out to the woods for every full moon? I thought… I don’t know what I thought. I guess I thought you were a satanist or a demon of some kind. Maybe an alien. I don’t know. I knew you were weird.”
Gerard let out a breath of a laugh and the warmth of his breath made Frank shiver.
“Um, what are the chances of you... changing back?” Frank asked nervously.
Gerard dropped Frank’s hand from his mouth and let it rest in between his hands in his lap.
“I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’m going to.” Gerard said, squeezing Frank’s hand, “It’s been happening for so long… I can feel it pretty far ahead of time.”
“Does it... hurt?” Frank asked, “When you change, I mean?”
“Like nothing else.” Gerard nodded.
Frank frowned and bit into his lower lip, momentarily considering the horrible pained sounds he’d heard the wolf making earlier on.
“Don’t look at me like that.” Gerard insisted softly.
“Like what?” Frank asked.
“Like you feel sorry for me.” Gerard said, “I get enough of that from Mikey.”
“You should’ve heard the sounds you were making when you…” Frank trailed off.
“I’m so sorry you had to see me like that, Frank...” Gerard said.
“Don’t be.” Frank said shaking his head, “It’s my fault. Jamia always tells me that if I go digging for dirt the only thing I’ll find is dirt...”
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just compare me to dirt.” Gerard smiled.
“I just meant-” Frank faltered.
“I knew what you meant...” Gerard said, brushing his thumb over the back of Frank’s hand.
They were both quiet then. Gerard kept looking at Frank like he was waiting for Frank to run away. Frank wasn’t sure what his face was doing, but he was sure he probably looked like he wanted to run away. He sort of did still, if he was completely honest. It would certainly be easier than trying to make sense of the trainwreck his lovelife had become over the course of the last week or so.
“If you still want me at all, I’ll do all I can to keep this out of your way…” Gerard said, “Mikey and I have a pretty good system down so you wouldn’t even have to-… I guess my point is that you’d be safe. I can keep you out of harm’s way...”
“I don’t want that.” Frank said. He wasn’t sure why he sounded so certain.
Gerard’s hands twitched around Frank’s. He frowned in confusion, searching Frank’s eyes to try and gather meaning.
“It’s a part of you… isn’t it?” Frank asked.
“Well, yeah… not by choice… but I suppose…” Gerard mused, furrowing his brow.
“It wouldn’t be fair of me to expect you to keep it away from me, then.” Frank pointed out.
“Frank, if I ever hurt you…” Gerard frowned, “The thought that I almost…”
“I’m okay.” Frank promised, “I just… I want you to feel like you can be yourself with me. For once... I don’t want you to have to pretend with me. No more secrets. No more lying. If this is a part of you, then I want in.”
“You don’t know what you’re asking.” Gerard said solemnly.
“That’s entirely your fault.” Frank countered, “And also, how dare you suggest I wouldn’t want you anymore? This doesn’t… doesn’t change how I feel.”
“It should, Frank.” Gerard countered, “I’m a fucking nightmare.”
“Yeah, well…” Frank mumbled. He was out of arguments and his thoughts were starting to get sort of muddy. He had to strain to hold his anger together.

“I know you think you’re okay with this but I want you to sleep on it…” Gerard said.
“I’m not going to change my mind.” Frank said decisively.
“Everything looks different in the daylight.” Gerard said, “Trust me.”
Frank glanced out the window at the moon over the treeline. He tried to picture to same scene in the daylight and he couldn’t. That was because he’d never been here before, not because there was any truth to what Gerard had said, he tried to remind himself.
“You can sleep in here tonight. It’s the warmest room in the house. Or, if you’re not tired… you can go wherever you want here… again, nothing about me, or this place, is off-limits to you...” Gerard said, “But I need to go see if Mikey’s figured out why I changed back…”
Gerard let go of Frank’s hand and when Frank looked back over at him, he was holding his arm out under a square of moonlight coming in through the window. His pale skin was almost glowing under the white beams.
“You mean you’re going to leave me alone up here?” Frank asked incredulously.
“Well, yeah…” Gerard said, retracting his arm from the moonlight, “I don’t want you to drive back to the city tonight… but I want to give you some space. But if you don’t want to be alone right now, I could-”
“You almost killed me and now you want me to deal with that all by myself?” Frank interrupted, “No fucking way am I letting you off that easy.”
“But that’s just it, Frank.” Gerard said, pointing at himself, “I almost killed you. I am a fucking monster. Why would you want to be anywhere near me right now? Or ever? I am giving you a free one-way ticket out of this and you would be smart to fucking take it.”
“I’m not letting you off that easy.” Frank repeated.
“What is that even supposed to mean?” Gerard asked crossly, running a hand through his hair. Frank’s attitude had clearly worn off on him, and Frank was only a little sorry about it.
“I wish you could hear yourself right now.” Frank scoffed, “You can’t just fucking… lead me on like that. You can’t tell me you want to be with me and then tell me ‘Oh, sorry, nevermind. I’m a fucking monster and I might kill you. So get the fuck out of here and deal with this on your own. Nice knowing you.’ That’s such a fucking cop-out. You don’t get to just walk away from this like that.”
“Well when you... put it like that…” Gerard mumbled.
“You can be such a fucking selfish asshole.” Frank added, “It’s un-fucking-believable. I wish I didn’t love you so fucking much.”
Gerard pursed his lips and stared helplessly at Frank. There was so much guilt in his eyes Frank almost felt sorry for surfacing it. The only thing he could think to do was to kiss it away. He closed the short distance between them and launched himself at Gerard, wrapping his arms around Gerard’s neck and crushing their lips together. Frank hadn’t even realized he was cold until he was in Gerard’s space, pressing into his unnatural warmth.
Unnatural for a human maybe, but maybe wolves ran hot….
He hadn’t meant to upset Gerard. He’d just said what he was thinking, what he was feeling. He operated on instinct, fumbling his way onto Gerard’s lap and kissing the hell out of him. He bit at Gerard’s lower lip, begging for access to his mouth.
“Frank, please, it’s fucking contagious.” Gerard growled, trying to pull his face away. He wrapped his arms around Frank’s middle to keep him close, to keep him under control.
“I don’t fucking care.” Frank breathed, framing Gerard’s face with his palms, searching the wolfish man’s eyes, “If becoming a monster is the only way to get you to tell me you love me again I’ll fucking do it.”
“Is that really all you want?” Gerard asked softly, almost inaudibly.
“No. That’s not all I want.” Frank countered, “You fucked up and I want you to own up to it instead of… instead of disappearing before morning like you fucking love to do. And I want you to be all mine, Gerard. No one else’s. I know it’s fucking I selfish but I want you to want just me. But with that in mind, yes, I also want you to tell me you fucking love me.”
“I fucking love you.” Gerard swore obediently, pressing his lips against Frank’s neck.
Frank fought his way back to Gerard’s lips and kissed him slow, sweet. The fight seemed to be draining from Gerard. He hugged Frank tighter and relaxed against his lips.
Their mouths fit together easily, like they always did. The act was familiar and well-rehearsed. Even with so much unsaid, kissing felt right. Through everything, all Frank was really sure of was that he still wanted to kiss Gerard, regardless of what he was or if he’d lied about it. Regardless of if he’d left Frank hanging that morning all those months ago.
“I don’t... have a lot of self control right now.” Gerard warned again breathlessly in between kisses.
“What do you need it for?” Frank asked, pressing a kiss to the corner of Gerard’s mouth.
Gerard rolled his hips and shoved Frank down onto the bed. Frank squeaked in surprise. He hadn’t considered how strong Gerard might be. He was bigger than Frank, but it had never occurred to Frank that he might be holding back. It made Frank wonder what else he’d been holding back.
“There’s usually so much more to me.” Gerard gritted out, sliding in between Frank’s legs, pinning Frank to the bed, “But if you don’t want me to pretend…”
“No pretending.” Frank agreed breathlessly, “No holding back.”
“I’m going to do right by you. I swear.” Gerard promised, pinning Frank’s hands above his head, “Coffee… Dinner… Valentine’s day… I’ll get it all right.” Frank nodded weakly in agreement. He was already panting and useless under the wolfish man. Gerard paused to gaze down at Frank intently.
“I’m all yours...” Gerard said, “But that means I have to make you all mine.”
“Please.” Frank begged.
“You don’t know what you do to me, Frank, I…” Gerard trailed off.
“Then tell me.” Frank demanded.
“You smell so good. You taste so good. I can’t stop thinking about… I don’t even know how to explain it. It doesn’t even really make any fucking sense.” Gerard rambled weakly.
“Try.” Frank urged.
“It’s so animalistic and wrong. It makes me sick. I want to fuck the shit out of you. I want to tear you the fuck apart.” Gerard growled.
The thought, the honesty, sent a spike of fear through Frank, but he supposed he’d asked for it. He was too far gone to try to stop this. He’d dug his own grave and he was laying in a metaphorical coffin, perfectly tailored to his size. He felt mildly at peace with himself, no matter the outcome. Nothing mattered beyond the moment they were in, as long as Gerard was near the end of waxing poetic on their sex life. He needed Gerard to kiss him like he needed air to breathe.
“I can control it usually.” Gerard explained, “When we’re in the city. When the moon isn’t out… but right now… it’s so strange. I can smell your fear… your anxiety. I know you’re turned, on too. I can taste it on your skin.”
Gerard licked a stripe up Frank’s neck and Frank wasn’t sure if the way he trembled was out of fear or desire or both.
“You taste so fucking good… I know I should be promising you all kinds of things, right now… but I’m a monster.” Gerard breathed, grinding his hips against Frank’s again, “All I can think about is- I’d never hurt you but I… I want you- I want to-”
Frank let Gerard kiss him, hard and rough and full of feeling.
“Also I’m still sorry.” Gerard said as he broke his lips away from Frank’s.
“How sorry?” Frank breathed.
“Monumentally fucking sorry.” Gerard said.
“How do you expect to make it up to me?” Frank asked.
“I’ll do whatever you want…” Gerard promised.
“Kiss me again.“ Frank demanded.
“You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.” Gerard mumbled.
“You don’t either.” Frank countered.
That was the end of their conversation for awhile. Their heated frantic kissing took up all of Frank’s mind until he felt like just as much of an animal as Gerard. He wasn’t mad anymore, just turned on. He could feel all the marks Gerard had sucked into his neck, and his jeans were too fucking tight. He thought he might just come in his fucking pants if Gerard didn’t stop. He would’ve been cool with that if he’d thought to bring a change of clothes. He hadn’t really been thinking straight when he’d left the city.
Gerard sunk his teeth into Frank’s neck and then immediately hissed, pulling away. Frank was sort of grateful, only because the pause helped him to control how fucking on-edge he was.
“Shit… don’t let me-” Gerard breathed, “I shouldn’t bite you.”
Frank hummed in agreement.
“Also… I don’t really have, um, condoms. Or, you know-” Gerard waved a hand in the air to fill in for "lube."
Frank opened his mouth to suggest alternatives, but closed it again when Gerard started sliding up his shirt and moving down, pressing kisses against his ribs, the soft flesh below them, then down to his hips and fuck, Frank hadn’t even noticed Gerard unbuttoning his jeans until he was expertly pulling them open, mouthing at Frank’s cock through his boxers. He felt like maybe he should warn Gerard he wasn’t likely to last much longer. Gerard knew what he could do to Frank, so he was probably well aware this was more than half over. He pulled Frank’s boxers down anyways and slid Frank’s dick into his mouth and fucking hell.
Frank was trying to be quiet because the place was unfamiliar to him. He wasn’t sure if the walls would contain the desperate sounds he was making or not. He clasped a hand over his mouth just in case, but trying to keep his moans as soft as possible took too much focus and so he couldn’t stop himself from bucking up into Gerard’s mouth. Gerard seemed into it, if the answering muffled moans he was making were anything to go by.
“You taste so fucking good.” Gerard breathed, pulling off to pump Frank’s dick with his fist, “Want it all over my tongue.”
He pressed a few sloppy, wet kisses onto Frank’s skin, just below his bellybutton, before shoving his dick back into his mouth. Gerard could put ‘no gag reflex’ on his fucking resume, Frank thought. It was fucking ridiculous how expertly he swallowed it down.
Frank wasn’t sure why he was surprised when his orgasm hit. He forgot all about keeping quiet as he gripped at the bedspread under him, fucking right up into Gerard’s mouth all the way through the aftershocks. Frank owed Mikey drinks, and lunch and, he didn’t even know, his first born or some shit. He wasn’t really thinking about Mikey though. Gerard only pulled off when he was oversensitive and spent. He wiped his mouth off on the back of his hand and crawled back up to collapse at Frank’s side.
Frank slid a hand to cup at Gerard through his jeans only to find he was completely limp.
“I sort of already…” Gerard trailed off, voice wrecked.
Frank suddenly felt way less embarrassed about almost coming in his fucking jeans.
“This feels totally gross but I... don’t wanna move.” Gerard mumbled, wrapping an arm around Frank’s middle and burying his face in the crook of Frank’s neck.
Frank’s heart fluttered when he felt Gerard breathe him in.
“I could probably get it up again if you gave me, I don’t know, fifteen minutes?” Gerard added, “Just throwing it out there…”
“Is that... part of it?” Frank asked quietly.
“Unfortunately…” Gerard nodded weakly, “Take advantage of it as much as you want but don’t feel obligated… it’s not your job to… The wolf’s appetite is like, in-fucking-satiable.”
“But the wolf is… you’re the wolf, aren’t you?” Frank mused.
“Yeah I just… in my head I separate the behaviors like that. Talk about it like it’s its own entity. Makes me feel more human.” Gerard explained, “Reminds me I’m not the monster. The monster is just me sometimes.”
“Makes sense.” Frank offered.
“Does it?” Gerard laughed breathily, “Well, good.”
“Um…” Frank hummed, hesitating before asking what he wanted to ask, “Would you… stay with me? I don’t really wanna sleep alone. I mean, if you think you’ll change again, you shouldn’t, but...”
“I’ll stay.” Gerard mumbled, pressing a kiss against Frank’s shoulder through the fabric of his shirt, “But I should probably… take my pants off. Oh God.”
Frank giggled as Gerard fumbled his way out of his pants and slung a quilt over them.
“I fucking love you.” Gerard mumbled against Frank’s ear.
“I regular love you.” Frank echoed.
“You… what?” Gerard asked.
“You don’t have to say the ‘fucking’ part.” Frank explained, “I love you, regular, without the fucking. I love you.”
“I’m sorry. I thought ‘fucking’ was your favorite part of that sentence.” Gerard mumbled sarcastically, hugging Frank tighter.
“I like every other part too.” Frank said. He could hear the smile in his own voice and it made him light-headed. Or, he could admit he was just exhausted, he supposed.
“I regular love you, then.” Gerard said, “I love you, regular…”
“I love you, regular.” Frank said again, just because he could.
“Listen um, if you wake up and I’m not here…” Gerard said, all seriousness returning to his voice, “It’s because I’m worried about changing back, not because I wanted to leave, okay?”
“Okay.” Frank said.
Frank glanced down at the outlines of their tangled limbs under the quilt. The angle of the moon had shifted. Long slants of moonlight spread across the patchwork.
“And um, if you change your mind…” Gerard added, “Just… let me be the first to know?”
“I’m not going to change my mind.” Frank promised.
“Just… wait ‘til the sun, Frankie.” Gerard said, “Everything looks different in the daylight...”
“Okay.” Frank said again.
He didn’t say it out loud, but Frank was afraid of the sunrise. Maybe that made him a vampire. Maybe he was just scared Gerard was right, and he didn’t want Gerard to be right.
He wasn’t sure how long he stayed awake, staring at the exposed beams on the ceiling, cursing the sun, relishing in the lazy drag of Gerard’s fingertips on his bare skin. But it turned out being warm and in love and spent was exhausting and eventually Frank’s eyelids were drooping with it.
The last thought he had before drifting off wasn’t fear of the sun, it was fear of the next moon. He could say with certainty that he loved Gerard. He had for awhile. But when it came to the monster under Gerard’s skin, Frank wasn’t so sure. The thought haunted him until the moon dipped below the trees and the edges of the sky lit up with pale yellow.

Notes

why do i love writing arguments so much? what the fuck is wrong with me?

-m