Gererard’s POV
Yes I snapped at Frank, I really needed him to back off. I didn’t know how or even if I was going to tell him yet. I was afraid he was going to be hurt and disappointed in me. Therefore, I did keep my distance. If I did decide to tell him then maybe it would hurt less. I still was there for Frank. I was still with him a lot, but less than before, and I started hanging around Bert a lot too. But just as friends, casual friends, nothing happened, I didn’t take the drugs anymore, for a while anyway. We played plenty of more shows, it helped keep my mind off of things, but I cracked. After about two weeks I finally cracked. I couldn’t handle it anymore.
“Bert,” I burst through the door of the van to find the whole band sitting there with him.
“Guys can you give us a minute?” And they all walked out the door I just barged through, without asking any questions, which I was really grateful for.
“Come back for more?” Bert smirked, he could see the desperation on my face. How badly I wanted it. I needed to feel that high again.
He pulled out the bag and held it in front of my face. I lunged just as he snapped it out of my reach. “Ah- he scolded, “you know the deal.”
For the drugs, I did as he asked. I was his bitch and I knew it.
This time, I did feel guilty, but in a strange way it was worth it.
I didn’t let myself stay that night. I forced myself to pick my body off the floor and walk back to the bus, which was only across the parking lot, but it seemed like miles.
Looking back on it, it seems really stupid of me to have gone back to the bus high. I was soaring, and Frank had been around his fair share of stoners to know what high looked like. It really was a dumb ass decision. I walked in; it was 2 am, Frank practicing as silently as he could for our band mates were sleeping. I stood in the door way hoping he didn’t hear me come in.
As soon as the door clicked shut, the sound of the stings ceased and the souls of his feet thumped as they it the floor. “Gerard?” he whispered into the darkness.
“What,” I responded without lowering my voice even a little.
“Shhhh… the guys are sleeping,” he sighed.
“Why sleep, it’s beautiful out,” my voice remained solid as I clinked the beers in the fridge trying to grasp one.
“Gerard, what’s going on, would you please be quiet?” Frank walked over grabbing my wrist, “stop,” in the light of the fridge he could see my face, “Gerard…” he whispered.
“Frank,” I spoke back mocking him.
“You’re baked…” frank frowned, his voice cracked, “aren’t you?”
“Like a cake,” I chuckled smirking.
“How dare you,” he shook his head no longer whispering, “What’s wrong with you? How could you do this to me? You have a good thing here and you just can’t see it? Can you? You have your dream in your hands. His band could be so much! And you just don’t give a shit do you. You want what you fucking want and nothing else matters. You know what? That’s the last fucking straw,” he waved his hand, “You could lose me, I could walk out right now and you just don’t even care. You don’t give a shit do you? He spit the words at me, “you son of a bitch.”
I just stared at him with a lack of a verbal response, “frank you don’t understand,” that was all I could formulate in my mind.
“Oh I understand just fine, you’re cheating on me aren’t you? With Bert. I saw you kiss him for the camera today. I knew it would happen, I knew you couldn’t control yourself, you bastard.” Frank reached and put his hands on the counter, “get out,” he muttered staring at the floor not even looking at me. His anger increased when I didn’t respond, “get the fuck out!” he was bawling now, as he threw a coffee mug at me, “get out!” The mug shattered against the wall, and I left.
I didn’t say anything to Frank, mainly because I didn’t know what to say, I had no way to justify my actions, I knew what I did was wrong, and I knew Frank would leave me. I knew of nothing better to do than to pull the plug. I was done, I didn’t care anymore, and it was over for me. I pulled my knife out of my pocket and just stared at it. My phone dropped on the ground. I opened it to find an unread text from Jeff, talking about the shows for the next week, I called him.
“Help?” he answered groggily, I had forgotten he was still on the west coast.
“I’m going to do it. I’m done, thought I’d let you know and say goodbye and all.”
“What do you mean? Gerard, what’s going on?” Jeff’s voice no longer showed any symptoms of sleep.
“I’m done Jeff, I give up! I’m done with everything! Frank’s going to leave me and I’m just a worthless fuck aren’t i? Aren’t I?!”
“Why is frank leaving you Gerard? What happened?”
“I cheated on him with Bert for cocaine,” I told him straight, if that was the end I wasn’t going to lie.
“You took cocaine?!” Look Gerard I want you to sit down, take a deep breathe and wait, now think about this for a second. Think about Mikey, how much he loves you, and how much this would change the rest of his life, you’re not just taking your own life; you’re changing everyone around you’s life. Do you really want to do that to them?”
“No… but…” I bean to speak.
“There are not but’s about it Gerard, taking your own life will only hurt everyone around you, that is something you cannot avoid. Yes, you may have hurt Frank. I’ve hurt plenty of people, but Frank loves you.”
“Not anymore,” I began to wipe away my tears.
“He really loves you,” Jeff spoke over me emphasizing the really to make sure I could hear him. “And you know what? He’s doubting you right now, that despite all you’ve told him, that you love him too. He’s doubting you Gerard! Do you really want that? And you know what would prove to him how you fell? Try to get sober. You want to keep him as you own? Get sober and prove to him you are willing to do what it takes.”
I nodded finally acknowledging, finally acknowledging, that this was true. It took me trying cocaine to realize that keeping Frank, DESERVING Frank took me getting sober.
“Now I want you to take a few minutes to think about that. Now I’m on the other side of the country, so I can’t properly help you. Will you do me a favor Gerard?”
I nodded, “sure.”
“Go wake up your tour manager, go wake up Jerry and tell him what’s going on and he will help you through these next couple of hours.”
“Okay…” and I went and did as I was told. I woke up Jerry and talked to him until I finally passed out in my bunk.

Notes

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