I closed the white cover. I threw it onto the kitchen table and rubbed my stale eyes.

“How bad is it?” you asked, spooning soft serve delicately into your mouth.

“Bad,” I replied simply, yet harshly.

You pursed your lips. “Worse?”

I took a sip of my coffee, “Different. Knowing I wasn’t the only one.”

You nodded, “well, maybe it’s better that you stop.”

I shrugged, “Doesn’t matter. Still gonna have to hear it in court.”

You bit at the edge of your spoon, “I guess.”

We sat silent for a minute. The unmistakable sound of a car coming down out street.

I looked up at you. My eyes giving the question you already knew was coming.

You sighed, “I’ll go.” You quickly disposed of the remnants of ice cream and took yourself upstairs.

I heard the front door slam and the quick loud steps towards the kitchen. The shoes clacking against the wood floors, then against the tile.

“Hello, Gerard.”

“Hey, Dad. How was work?” I asked more out of politeness than honest curiosity.

“Fine,” he said restlessly as he dropped today’s mail on the counter. Flipping endlessly through white envelopes and colorful coupons.

I spun my coffee cup awkwardly, trying to pretend like I fit into his life.

“What the hell is this?” his tone caught me and stopped the spinning. His back still turned against me.

“What?”

He turned towards me and held up a large gold envelope. My name in the address. The stamp of equal scales. “That’s mine,” I swallowed more than spoke. Scratching at the back of my head.

“I see that,” Dad blinked. “What is it?” He inspected the envelope critically without much luck before looking up back at me. Interrogation eyes.

I felt myself turn hot all over. “It’s just some stuff from court. Someone who wants me to speak in court. Its’ nothing.”

“Gerard,” his tone was so classic. He knew I wasn’t giving him the whole truth. So quintessential American family sitcom father voice. Except there wasn’t a audience of laughter to back it up.

I sat silent for a minute. Unable to think of doing anything clever to get out of this. “W-I am part of a case against Reynard’s.” I heard the truth muttered through my chapped lips and I felt like reaching out and grabbing it back.

“What?” his eyes narrowed.

“A-a case… against Reynards,” I said more quietly.

“Gerard,” he sighed viciously. “Go to your room. I can’t deal with this right now.”

I got up, grabbing Anthony’s journals, and sulked up the stairs. My footsteps heavy as well as my chest.

I found my way into my room. Sitting down on the edge of the bed and letting the journals fall absentmindedly to the floor. I heard the clatter of the cover against cover. I reached down and fished one off the ground, opening it to a random page. Desperate to escape to something.

[i] It was the way he held my hand as we fell asleep, dreaming too merrily.
It was the way he spoke to me, so charmingly.
Tonight was the night for you and me to finally see,
What, if anything, we could be.
But that was out the window from the get go,
Before I muttered out, “let’s go back to my place.”
So happy, the look on your face.
Why did you do this to me?
Letting me make the moves that left you bruised
And me caught red handed.
Sick, twisted fantasy.
Why did you do this to me?[/i]

“Gerard?”

The knock pulled me out. I looked up and saw my mom standing there. Clothed in black velvet.

“Hey,” she said softly, “It’s Friday.”

“Oh,” I paused. “Dinner night. Right.”

“Are you gonna be okay?” she adjusted the shoulder of her dress halfheartedly. “With… him?”

I felt my breath hitch in my throat when I realized that small fact. “Yeah, Mom,” I said, forcing down any signs that contradicted that.

She seemed a little unsure. “Okay,” she said blinked, “well, we will be home around nine or ten.”

“Am I in trouble?” I asked quickly.

She stopped for a second, “Um… I don’t know. Not yet. Me and your father are… discussing it over dinner.”

I didn’t like that it felt so out of my hands. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Mom. I didn’t mean to, I just didn’t know the paperwork would come so early.”

She gave a trying smile, “Well, it’s okay. It will be okay. Just… don’t worry about it.”

Like that ever worked. I heard an impatient car horn in the driveway. He was waiting. “Ok. Thanks, Mom. Have fun,” I nodded and she closed the door.

I gave it a good five minutes. A good five minutes after I heard the front door slam and the car pull out of the driveway. Before I found myself sinking down the stairs, following the buzz of a muted television in the living room. You were laying delicately on the edge of the couch. Glasses at the end of your nose and a look in your eyes that was glazed over as if you weren’t really watching, but instead thinking. Wondering.

I moved towards the other couch. Sitting lightly on the edge of the leather, trying to slip seamlessly into your life. But it proved not so easy as you fumbled to sit up.

“You scared me,” you said. And I knew how ironic the statement was.

“Sorry,” I said simply before laying down and pretending to watch like you.

But you didn’t settle back down. I felt you watch me as I starred absentmindedly at the bright flashing pigments of the TV.

I don’t know how long it was before you slipped into my line of vision, taking a seat at my feet. I sat up slowly, pulling every inch of me away from you.

You didn’t seem fazed by my prudence. You moved closer and reached out for my hand. I felt the shockwaves pulse through my skin, like skipping stones on the surface of a gelatin lake. You pulled at my arm and I felt all of my physical murmurs seize their forced excuses, letting you reach an arm around my torso and pull my body weight onto you. Your cool skin against mine.

I waited for the emotional mushroom cloud to come barreling towards me. To knock me down, stop my breathing, and make my eyes water.

But it didn’t come.

I just lay there all too simply in your arms. My head leaned up against the edge of your jaw. Your slow and steady breath filling my ears. I closed my eyes listening to the buzzing of your body and my brain and the television. All together in harmony, like a swamp after season’s first rain.

And as much as I wanted to just lay there, happy. As much as I just wanted to enjoy how well I was doing. I also wanted to push myself farther. How far could I go before I was engulfed in the fallout, yet again?

I think you were thinking the same thing because I slowly became aware of the feeling of your lips against my temple. In contrast to your hands, they were warm and so light I almost didn’t feel them. I closed my eyes tighter, trying to focus all my attention on feeling them there. And then, they weren’t there at all.

But before I could begin fishing for an explanation, they were on me again. This time on my cheekbone. I held my breath in agony. For to be this uncontrollably blissful was complete torture.

And they left again. I waited for another touchdown spot, not knowing where you could be next. I felt the shadow of you linger so cautious, like a plane circling to land.

Then again, I felt them. Now hanging weightlessly on the corner on my lips. I took in a breath a little too hard and I regretted it immediately as you pulled them off me. I had ruined it. I felt a small whine escape my lips, unconsciously.

I felt your arm around my waist pull away and grab my other hand. I opened my eyes and blinked them, trying to adjust to see your face. You kept your eyes on mine as you crawled out from beneath me and lay me back down on the couch. You sat down next to me and dropped my hands.

I didn’t know what you were doing now. That sent mixed emotions of uneasiness and anticipation down my spine. You took your glasses off and put them on the coffeetable, not bothering to fold them together. Now your liquid brown, wonder eyes were here with me, unrestrained.

Your face came closer and closer to mine. One hand found its way beside my head to hold you up, another onto my cheek. You searched my face for something. Maybe evidence that you had gone too far, that this was too much for me. Maybe the correct reasoning you had denied me for that night in the bathroom. Maybe something else entirely. But then you looked back into my eyes and I could tell you had found it. You had found what you were looking for.

You ducked your head down to me and laid your lips against mine. I closed my eyes tightly again because I was so over stimulated. I felt all the electricity of the moment course through me. Killing off every voice and every thought that told me this was wrong. Tearing to shreds my worries and fears and lessons learned.

And all I could taste was your comfort and desire and need for this. You needed this. Your hand moving from my cheek to my hair. Feeling the friction of the uneven spots that were beginning to grow out. Even this reminder couldn’t pull me back though for I was encircled by your presence.

I felt you pull back, hand still tangled in my hair. I let my eyes flutter open and see you, smiling harder than usual. The muscles in your face looking pained to do so.

I felt a smile overcome my face. The weirdest sensation I had ever felt. Because for the first time too long, I wasn’t trying to hold this one back. I was letting it takeover me and shine out. Unafraid and unconscious.

I felt my hands move up towards you. Wrapping themselves around your waist. Feeling at the skin expose around your hips. “Mikey,” I felt myself say warmly. No stutter, no holding back, just your name embodying all that was before me.

You smiled even harder, understanding how big this moment was in its simplicity. Then you ducked back towards me to kiss me again.

And it didn’t feel any less amazing than the first one. My hands felt at the vertebrates along your back, letting your shirt rise along with them. I felt you shiver a little at the sensation and smile into my lips.

And I realized that this was all I ever wanted in life. To be able to do this.

We must have been like this for two hours, but it felt like only a couple seconds. Never becoming tiresome, never becoming old, just paused in time.

Distantly, we heard a car coming down the street. You pulled back quickly and looked into my eyes and little scared.

“It’s okay,” I comforted. “I’ll go.”

You blinked and nodded. “Okay, be quick.”

I nodded back and reached up to kiss you once more.

“Good night,” I whispered against your lips and felt you giggle into mine.

I got up, let go of your torso, running back up to my room. Crawling back into my bed and grabbing a random book from my sidetable. I fumbled to open it to a random page as the door opened.

“Gerard?” I heard Mom’s voice ask cautiously.

“Yes?” I said back, looking up at her.

“We are home. How was your night?” the question came across as a little frightful. Scared that something went wrong. Little did she know.

“It was okay,” I shrugged. “Just sat up here and read, you know. I didn’t want to… risk anything.”

She nodded back at me. “Mmm. That’s… good. Well, good night.”

“Night, Mom. I love you,” I closed the book.

She stopped a bit and smiled, not expecting it. “Love you too, honey.”

She closed the door and I heard her heels back down the stairs, slow and pensive.

I lay back in my bed and smiled, shaking my head. Completely unaware of how to handle this emotion.

Remembering I had a meeting with Elliot and Duke tomorrow, I reached for the pills in my sidetable drawer. I swallowed one, almost happily, and turned out the light. Falling into the most dreamy, heavenly sleep ever.