The next morning, I heard the drag of Elliot’s shoes on the carpet. I turned around from my work at the cabinets.

“How have those nightmares been treating you since I took away your old meds?” he asked not looking up from his paperwork in his hand.

My lips twisted, trying not let out any information. This one time I had something big to talk about, I didn’t want to. Still embarrassed. “Horrid is an understatement. My family is starting to really worry, again.”

“Well tell them not to worry anymore,” Elliot threw an orange bottle towards me.

I reached out, but my tired vision failed to align and I feel short. I picked it up off the floor. “what are these?”

“Not horse sedatives. They’ll help with the nightmares, I promise,” he nodded.

I inspected the bottle and they looked fine. I slid them in my pocket. “Thanks.”

“No problem. No offense but you’ve been looking like shit recently. You should get some sleep.” He flipped the paperwork in his hands, studying the back and taking a seat in his arm chair.

I shrugged thinking he was probably right.

Elliot checked his watch. “I actually have a meeting soon, so you are free to leave, Gerard.”

I found this awkward. I usually stayed for most meetings. What was so different now?

But I didn’t have a reason to fight against it. I wanted to go home. I wanted to talk to you.

“Okay, well have a nice day. See you tomorrow,” I waved away and left the room.

I walked out of the office, still unsure about Elliot’s “meeting.”

“Bye, Justine,” I waved to the secretary at her desk.

“Bye, Gerard,” she looked up for a moment from her work. “Oh wait, Gerard.”

I stopped short of the elevator doors and looked back, “Yes?”

“I have some paperwork you have to fill out for tomorrow.” She searched the mass of papers for the ones she was looking for.

“What’s tomorrow?” I asked, furrowing my brow.

She stopped and looked up at me a second. “Your birthday, dear.”

My stomach nearly fell to the floor.

“The big eighteen, right?” She smiled at me.

My lip quivered with my sudden uneasiness, “Yeah.”

“Okay,” she continued, “Well Mr. Legal Adult needs to fill out some employee forms since he’s not a minor anymore.”

“Yeah,” I said again. I took the papers from her. “Thanks.”

“Well see you tomorrow!” she waved me away with a smile.

“You too.” I tried to sound happy and upbeat.

I turned towards the elevator, making my decent towards home.

----

I waited around for you all day. When I got home, I checked your room. It was vacant. I asked Mom. She said something about a meeting you had to be at. She had no idea. Said you got a ride there.

I didn’t have any idea either.

I was sitting around in my room. It was about eight in the evening now. I was lying on my back, staring at my ceiling. I kept going over my speech to you. About what had happened last night. About how I kissed you. The motives for doing it and the reasons why it hurt to see you not exactly pleased with me doing it. My confusion and my present guilt about the situation. My intent to try to fix it.

Mother’s quick knock at my door awoke me from my mental note taking. I sat up on my bed. “Come in,” I said plainly.

“I have your laundry,” she said as she pushed through the door with one hand and held a basket of folded clothes with the other.

I knew she had the laundry but it still felt like an excuse to come talk to me about something. As if I didn’t know what she wanted to talk about.

“How are you doing?” the sympathy in her voice comforting me as I bucked up the courage to say something about last night.

“You don’t have to worry about me anymore. And the nightmares. Elliot gave me some medicine to help,” I said strongly.

She looked surprised that the words came out so quickly, that she didn’t have to squeeze them out of me. “Oh,” she said. “Well that’s nice, Gerard.”

“I mean,” I tried to qualify. “I know that doesn’t mean a lot, but… you know I would never hurt him, Mom.”

This seemed to put her back a bit. It was suppose to be a comforting thought. But it seemed to upset parts of her. I could understand why. “I know,” she said simply and sadly. She took a step into my room and placed the basket on the floor, trying to regain her pep. “So what are your plans for tomorrow?”

I suddenly remembered again. I sighed. “Nothing,” I said. “Going to work.“

Mom rolled her eyes, “On your birthday? Is that what you really want.”

“Mom,” I spoke softly. Unsure if I was doing the right thing, “At school, eighteen was just a reminder of all the trouble I could get into. I honestly don’t want to celebrate that.”

Mom’s face processed the comment. “Okay,” she said quietly. “That’s… fine. I guess.”

Maybe I went too far. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.

“You should probably catch up on your sleep now,” Mom muttered before leaving the room.

I agreed with her on that. I went over to my desk and opened the drawer where I was keeping the sleeping pills. I shook the bottle and heard the rattle of little capsules. I already felt better about these ones.

I took off the top and shook one into my hand. Then I put the bottle back in the drawer.

I went over to my bedside table and grabbed the days old glass of water that sat there. I put the pill in my mouth before taking a long chug of water.

I put the glass back down and lay in my bed. My eyes were already dreary from the long day of waiting for you.

I looked across from my bed at the bookshelf. The neatly aligned row of spines lulled me. My eye traveling across until I saw a gap in the books. The dark wood of the bookshelf stared back at me. I was confused.

But then I realized. My white journals. They were gone. And I wanted to get up and see the missing space and investigate, but my eyelids were far too heavy and the thought left my brain almost immediately. It wasn’t long before unconsciousness had taken hold of me.