I was lying in bed after dinner. Sufficiently stuffed. Mom said I looked too skinny and urged me to have more and with my new ability to follow orders, I couldn’t say no. I sat across from you all dinner without looking at you. I tried not to think too much of it. Tried to act like that was the norm family dinner. You not in the picture.

I was happy to hear that everything was pretty much the same way I had left it minus the front door. Dad’s job at the bank, Mom’s job at the salon, you going to our same high school. All was well in the Way household. It was late May and you only had a couple days left till school was out. When Mom and Dad mentioned it though, you didn’t say much. I think you were scared I’d freak out again at the sound of your voice. Truth being I probably would have.

I heard a knock at my door and sat up. “Come in,” I called hoping it wasn’t you. It was Mom.

“Hey babe. We’re watching a movie downstairs if you wanna come out,” she was really trying.

“Thanks, Mom. Do you mind if I just go watch TV in the basement. It’s been kind of awhile,” I smiled at her earnestly.

“Yeah, of course, honey,” she nodded and shut the door carefully behind her.

I grabbed a blanket from the hall closet and went down to the basement. It still smelled musty and it was still freezing as hell. I sunk into the couch and wrapped the blanket around me before flicking on the television.

Before flicking on a kaleidoscope of pictures and cartoons and faces I couldn’t remember. All blurring into a twisted menagerie of memories I couldn’t reach. Every name and shape on the tip of my tongue and the edge of my reminiscence. It was overwhelming to my fragile eyes that only seen gray and white for so long. I felt like I’d been in a coma. New president, dead celebrities, and a multitude of new shows and movies and books that I’d never seen or heard of. After a mere half an hour, I couldn’t watch anymore. I turned it all off. The silence and blackness made my brain cool down and my eyes thanked me. Sensory overload. I would have to ease into this a bit better. I sat there in the darkness.

Above me, I heard the movie going and the laughter of my family. The family that didn’t feel like mine anymore. Dad had been so sure to send me away, so sure to let them keep me for so long that it didn’t seem like he even cared about me personally anymore. As long as I didn’t ruin the family name, right?

The program had tried so hard to force you out of my head. As a brother, a lover, a friend. They tried to make us ghosts to each other.

Then Mom. Poor Mom. She never wanted this path for me. I could tell she only had wanted me happy. She was scared that I’d end up like Anthony Shea. I was a little scared of that also.

What would it take for me to be a part of this family again? What sacrifices would I have to make? The thought of this seemed like an impossible challenge. Maybe I just wasn’t born under the right stars. Maybe I’d never feel at home again. But, God damn it, I hope not.