I'm Not Okay

"Come on baby." I said as I finished getting Bryce dressed. "We gotta get going, you're gonna see your brother or sister today." I said in a baby voice, he wouldn't sit still so I struggled to get him dressed.

"Babe I gotta go." Gerard said as he came into the room and kissed my lips then his son’s forehead. "But someone's here to see you." He said as he helped me and held Bryce still. When his movements were restricted he began to cry.

"Don't torture the poor kid." Mikey said as he came in.

"Uncle Mikey!" I said with a big smile to peanut, trying to get him to stop crying.

"How are all of you?" Mikey asked as he sat down in the rocking chair in peanuts room.

"Late," Gerard said after he let go of Bryce when I was done dressing him then he kissed me and peanut one more time before hugging Mikey, "thanks for coming. I gotta go." He said then rushed out of the room, not long later we heard the front door slam and his car start and drive down the street.

"Ready to go Frankie." Mikey asked.

"Yeah." I breathed out putting peanut on my hip, "I just need to grab him a bottle of apple juice." I said as we both went downstairs.

"You okay?" He asked as I filled up the bottle and handed it to Bryce so he could drink it.

"Yeah I guess. It just bugs me you know, last time Gerard wasn't there for my pregnancy because of Lynz and now things should be easier right? But there not, he's still not here for this baby because of Lynz, yet again." I said as we got in the car. Peanut was in his seat drinking his bottle.

"I'm sorry Frank, but I'm here."

"I know you are and I'm really thankful for that, but he's the father- the other father, it's kinda different."

"I understand." He said, the rest if the car ride was filled with awkward silence.

When we got there the office was empty like it usually is when I go there and Mikey carried in peanut and Dr. Shannon saw us right away.

"How are you Frank?" She asked as I lifted up my shirt and she put the goo on and started to look for a heartbeat.

"Okay." I shrugged.

"I see Mikey and Bryce, where's Gerard?" She asked. Mikey pursed his lips together and bounced Bryce on his lap.

"In court dealing with his divorce."

"Okay, well let's take a look at the heart beat shall we?" I smiled at that and nodded my head she put the wand thingy on my stomach and started to move it around until we heard a steady heart beat on the monitor, followed by a picture of a little blob beating to the same beat. Just hearing it put a smile on my face, it was beating pretty fast so I ripped my eyes away from the monitor to Dr. Shannon to ask her if that was okay but I stopped when I saw her face. She had a concerned look on it.

"Um... Is everything okay?" I asked.

She looked at me and gave me a fake forced smile then said she wanted to check something. She removed the wand that displayed the heart beat and moved to just the image of the baby and then back to the heart beat, there was a still a steady heart beat so I was concerned about what she was doing.

"Okay doc, you're kinda freaking me out here." I said then nervously laughed.

"Okay Frank, I'm gonna try and explain this. Do you see this?" She said then pointed to the blob on the screen that was beating along with the heat beat.

"Yeah." I pressed for more.

"That's your baby, and the heartbeat." I nodded, she then moved over a little bit and pointed at something. "That was your other baby, but this one, I can't see a heart beat."

"So... What?" I asked, I felt tears fill my eyes.

"You are carrying twins, from the looks of it, identical, but the second one I can't seem to find a heart beat."

"So I miscarried one?" I asked and I felt so many tears pour over my eyes. Mikey moves from his seat across the room and sat next to me and held my hand.

"It's still a too early to tell," she assured me, "there's a chance this one hasn't developed to the point where we can hear the beat just yet, so take it easy and come back in two weeks and we’ll see how things are."

"But if there identical, shouldn't they be developing at the same pace?"

"Every baby is different, even I dental twins have their differences."

I want to sob my heart out right now. One of my babies could be dead inside of me right now, why can't I have an easy pregnancy? Is that too much to ask for? All I want right now is Gerard, I want him to hold me in his arms and tell me everything will be okay and I'm overreacting. But he can't, he's not here with me and his son and his maybe twins, he's out with Lynz.

After Dr. Shannon cleaned me up I covered my eyes with my hands and started to sob into them. It felt like forever before Mikey came over to me and rubbed my back then have me a one armed hug, peanut ran his hand through my hair and tugged on it a bit, making me wince in pain. I pulled away from Mikey and took Bryce in my own arms as we left the doctor’s office. I strapped him in and sat in the back seat with him the entire ride home. Not a word was exchanged in the car, only the sound of the engine running and peanuts blabs made noise. When we pulled into my house I took Bryce in and Mikey followed me. As we walked in I started to smell something pretty nasty and I knew peanut needed a diaper change.

"H-he needs a d-diaper change." I said then wiped my tears, "I-I'll be r-right back."

"Frank," he said then put his hand on my shoulder and stopped me. "I'll change him and take care of him for a bit. You go lay down and calm down." He said then took Bryce.

"O-okay." I said then went back upstairs.

As I climbed the stairs I faintly heard Mikey yell "Gerard you better get your ass over here" or something along those lines. I got into the room I shared with Gerard and put on one of his oversized hoodies and sobbed myself to sleep in fetal position on the bed. The next time I woke up, someone was shaking me and calling my name.

"Frankie baby wake up." Gerard said.

I moved over to look at him and his eyes were red and puffy and he was looking down at me.

"Oh baby." He said taking in my own appearance and pulling me on his lap and holding me close. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there."

"G-g-Gerard." I sobbed out and his grip on me tightened.

"Shh, its okay baby, I'm here, its okay, and you’re okay." He said and stroked my hair.

"Bryce?" I asked in a shaky voice.

"He's with Mikey. He's okay."

"I'm sorry." I sobbed out.

"Why baby? Why are you sorry?" He said wiping away some of my tears.

"I-it's my fault, one of the babies could be dead and it's my fault." I took a minute to get a fit of sobs out. "I couldn't protect them." I said clutching my stomach and sobbing into his chest.

"Franklin Anthony Iero don't you dare think like that. If one of these babies doesn't make it it's not your fault, it just wasn't meant to be. And we don't even know if we lost one of them yet, they may just be a slow developer, we need to stay positive." He said and pulled me even closer.

"I wanted you. I wanted you in the room with me to hold me and tell me everything will be okay." I told him.

His grip tighten on me and I heard him let out a sob.

"I'm so sorry baby, I truly am. After Mikey called me I spoke with my lawyer and from now on everything will be online or phone call. The only time I need to be there in person is when I need to sign the damn papers. From now only it's only about the four of you."

"Four?"

"You, peanut, and the twins." He said and rubbed my stomach."

I shook my head at him, "I don't wanna label anything, not yet. Not until it's for sure that we are having twins."

"Whatever you want baby." He said then kissed me, I tried not to cry but I ended up sobbing into his neck and falling asleep like that.

Notes

So Gerard Way was amazing last night!!!! I wish I could have met him but oh well, I'll try again another time

Till next we meet my killjoys