I'm Not Okay

That night Bryce went to bed without any hassle and I feel asleep locked into Gerard's arms. When I woke up I was alone but I was okay with it, you know those feelings when you wake up and you feel nothing but sunshine and rainbows? That's how I feel. I seriously skipped down the hall into Bryce's room and saw that he wasn't there so he must be downstairs with Gee. I was humming some song and lightly bobbing my head down the stairs and into the living room; Gerard was sitting there watching T.V and peanut was in his play pin waving around his arms and legs. As my feet hit the floor, I ran to Gerard and jumped into his lap and straddled his waist. He made an oomph sound as I landed but kissed me back when I crushed my lips onto his.

"I love you." I sang then kissed him again.

He laughed against my lips then gripped my hips and pulled me closer.

"Love you to baby. Someone woke up in a good mood." He said then kissed me.

"Yup, today we have another appointment with Dr. Shannon and since I'm further along than I was last time I saw her we get to hear the heart beat today. It's really amazing, like there's a second beat inside of me and besides seeing the whole face and actually holding the baby it's one of the best things in the pregnancy and I'm so glad you're here to see it this time and we can take peanut and he-"

"Frankie baby," he said interpreting and I stopped to look at him, he looked kinda sad, " I can't go... I have an appointment with my lawyer about the divorce. Apparently Lynz is making things harder then they need to be."

"Oh..." Screw the sunshine and rainbows; my day is a gloomy rained down day now.

"Baby I'm sorry." He said as he tried to pull me closer and rub my back, instead I got off his lap and started to walk away. As I did peanut started to cry so I went to tend to him, as I bent down to pick him up I could smell his diaper was full.

"Come on baby; let's go change your diaper." I said taking him out and walking upstairs.

I just didn't want to be with Gerard after that. I wasn't as mad with Gerard as I was mad at Lynz, she deprived Gerard from there throughout Bryce's pregnancy and now she's found some way to do it again for the second baby. What a bitch. When I had removed peanuts soiled diaper and cleaned him up he was fighting me when I tried to put another diaper on and put some clothes on him.

"So you wanna be naked?" I asked him, he giggled and waved around his arms and split bubbles from his mouth.

"I'll let you be naked as a baby and maybe a toddler but this better stop by the time you're a teenager, I don't want any grandkids for a long time okay?"

He spit more bubbles.

"I'm glad were on the same page. Now since you insist on being butt naked, let's get you a bath." I picked him up and cradled him in my arms as I walked around his room and collected his towel and soap.

Since he was still small I have him baths in the kitchen sink. As I came down I saw Gerard on his phone intensively talking to someone. He didn't seem to notice me as I passed by so I kept going and set up a bath for my baby. Bryce had a little bit of hair on his head but I still liked to make a Mohawk out of his hair. I tried to distract myself from thinking about Gerard missing an appointment, but staring at my baby made me think of all the appointments Gerard missed with him and I felt tears prick my eyes. I wiped my eyes with my sleeves and went back to cleaning my baby; peanut was having a blast and splashing around his soapy water, I was fine with it until he splashed the water right into my eyes causing them to sting.

"Fuck!" I hissed and reached down to hold Bryce. I couldn't take him out because I might drop him and I couldn't leave him in the sink to clean my eyes because he might drown. But the soap in my eyes was really hurting and I knew opening them would make it worse.

"Gerard!" I called out; I heard his footsteps come closer till he was right by me. "Here hold him."

I heard him ruffle his sleeves and felt his hands take over holding Bryce. When I was sure he got him I stumbled over to where I kept the napkins and grabbed some before I used them to clean out my eyes. They were still stinging a bit I could live with it.

"Sorry about that." I said turning to them to see Gerard finish bathing peanut. "This little guy got soap in my eyes." I said as I got closer to him and tickled his tummy.

"Listen babe I really wanna go, I tried talking to my lawyer to see if we could move the appointment but-"

"It's fine." I said walking away from them to grab peanuts towel, it was the kind with a hood in the shape if an animal; this towel had a frog hood. I rinsed him off with clean water before I took him from Gerard and started to dry him off.

"No babe it's not, I promised to be here this time and I'm doing a bad job at keeping that promise. I really wanna go-"

"So are you coming or not?" I interrupted.

"I would but I can't, next time I'll-"

"Got it." I said taking peanut upstairs so I could dry him up there and re-dress him.

When I dressed him we stayed in his room because I didn't want to go back down. I was probably being childish or it was the hormones acting up but I didn't want to go down there. A promise is a promise right? I know he has his divorce to work through but that can always be postponed but you can't postpone a pregnancy when it's already happening. Wait what the hell am I saying? Why would I suggest Gerard and Lynz stay married while Gerard and I are having our second child together? But it's an important step in the pregnancy, listening to the heart beat. Whatever, I did it by myself the first time I can do it again; I'll just take Bryce with me.

Peanut and I stayed in his room playing around until Gerard came in and say down in front of us, Bryce was in my lap and I was bouncing him, he was laughing and having the time of his life. Gerard sat a plate with a sandwich in front of me and slid it closer to me. It was a toffee and peanut butter sandwich with a banana. Exactly what I was craving. I looked at his face and gave him a small smile; he smiled back and held his arms out for the baby so I could eat.

"Look I really am sorry, I do really wanna go and hear the heart beat and just stare at the monitor but this is an important meeting." He said then put peanut in his crib for a nap.

"I get it, but I want you there at the rest, like all of them."

"I know, when you're there please get a copy of all the next appointments so I could tell my lawyer that I'm busy those dates." He said then came closer to me and kissed my head.

"Okay." I said and I started to eat.

"I love you," he said pulling me into his lap and repeatedly kissing my head and hold me right against him. "So freaking much."

Notes

So I'm gonna see Gerard Way in concert tomorrow!!!!! Its a birthday gift from my dad, so anyone else gonna see him on 10/14/14?

Till next we meet my killjoys