I'd End My Days With You In A Hail Of Bullets

"I can't do it without..." Gerard mumbles out, panic clear on his face. "Shh, baby you can, I promise you can" I reassure him, cupping his face in my hands so he's forced to look me in the eye. I smile reassuringly at him as I watch the pure terror slowly melt from his face. "You don't need a drink baby, we've worked so hard to get here remember?" I say to him and he nods and leans in to bury his face in my neck. I wrap my arms
around him and soothingly rub his back. "I love you Frankie" he tells me and I swallow down the lump in my throat that suddenly appears. He loves me? I don't know what to say back so I slowly pull away from him and sink down to my knees in the abandoned dressing room. "Here, let me help you relax baby" I tell him as I reach for his belt.

I open my eyes and let out a small groan. I haven't dreamed of him in so long and now it's happening again. Damn him and his stupid phone call, the only reason I even answered was because Jamia saw he was calling and it would have looked suspicious if I hadn't answered it. Thank god she let me take the call in private. Six months. Six months I let myself give in to what I thought I wanted and what I know Gerard desperately wanted. Every time he begged me to let him tell the world we were together I felt a stab of guilt but I kept doing it, fulfilling my own selfish needs of physical intimacy while on tour. I guess I should have expected it to blow up in my face and I certainly could have handled the engagement announcement better but what's done is done and I can't change it now, the only thing I can do is what I've done, cut him from my life completely so Jamia never finds out. I roll my head to see her laying beside me, sleeping peacefully and I reach out one hand and gently stroke her hair away from her face. She looks so peaceful, so beautiful although I must admit not quite as beautiful as Gerard does in the same situation. I guess that's why I gave in to his advances, he is truly undeniably the most beautiful person I've ever met.

I drag myself out of bed and downstairs, unable to sleep anymore when I hear my cell buzzing on the kitchen bench where I left it after my phone call with Gerard. I pick it up seeing Mikey's name on the screen and when I see that the time is 4.35am I feel a knot in my stomach. "Mikey? What's going on?" I answer, knowing immediately that something is wrong due to the time. "You fucking son of a bitch, this is all your fault" he screams at me between sobs. "Woah, woah calm down, what happened?" "He's dead and it's all because of you." He tells me and I freeze, feeling my heart stutter. "Who's dead?" I ask although I already know the answer. I hear Mikey's sobs escalate to the point that he can't speak and the phone is taken from him. "Frank? It's Ray." "Ray, what's...." I trail off, feeling my eyes prick with tears. "Frank, Gees dead." As soon as he confirms it I break, big fat tears start pouring down my face and I whimper out "How?" "He....he shot himself last night, around like 7." I let out a strangled whine. He called me right before and I was a total asshole. I knew from the only word he managed to choke out that he was in a bad way but I never thought he would.... "Ray, I'm coming over. I'll be there in like half an hour." "We're at Mikeys" he tells me and I hang up, running upstairs to change and leave Jamia a note.

I make the half hour drive in about twenty minutes, the traffic thin at this time of the morning and I speed the whole way, consequences be damned. When I pull up in Mikey's driveway the front door opens and as I step out onto the lawn Mikey charges towards me and tackles me to the ground, punching me in the face repeatedly until Ray pulls him off me. "You fucking bastard. You did this, you fucking destroyed him and now I have nothing" he screams at me before turning and burying his face in Rays neck as he sobs violently, collapsing against him and Rays arms are the only thing holding him up. "Shh Mikes" he whispers soothingly as I drag myself off the ground and we all go inside. When Mikey calms down a bit he gets up and leaves the room before coming back with what I recognise to be Gerard's sketch book clutched to his chest. "Did you even love him?" Mikey asks me and I stare at him, unprepared for that. I swallow hard before saying "I did, I was just too afraid of what that would mean" I tell him and I find that to be the truth. I did love Gerard, I truly did but it would have meant admitting that I may be gay and that wasn't something I was ready for. "They found your wedding invitation in his hand, is that love? Why would you send that to him?" "It was Jamia" I choke out and Mikey's face hardens. "She doesn't know?" I shake my head before dropping my gaze to the floor. "You fucking...." "I loved him Mikey. I really fucking loved him and I fucked it all up I know that. I'd do anything to go back and change what I've done" I admit, breaking down into tears and Ray comes over and wraps his arms around me.

A few few hours later Mikey receives a call from the hospital telling him he can go in and say his goodbyes and I beg to be allowed to go with him. "Please Mikes, I know I don't deserve it but please" I beg and he nods, leading me to the car and Ray drives us there. Mikey tells me to go first, needing time to collect himself and when I go into the small room I take a seat beside the bed, Gerard's body fully covered in a sheet to cover his injury. "Gee" I choke out, my tears starting again as I reach under the sheet to grab his cold lifeless hand. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did this to you, I know you wanted to be together and I ruined that and I'm so so fucking sorry I couldn't....no wouldn't give you that. I love you and I'll spend the rest of my life filled with nothing but regret that we could never have what you wanted and deep down, fuck baby I wanted it too but I was scared of what that would mean, I was selfish. I'm gonna end it baby, I'm calling off the wedding that rightfully should have been ours. I'll spend the rest of my days alone because I can't spend them with you." I break down into big ugly sobs as I lean forward and bury my face in his side. "Gee, baby I.....I love you" I sob out as I feel my whole world come crashing down.

The next few days pass slowly and painfully and I go back home after the funeral to end it with Jamia. She takes it badly, swearing and screaming and throwing things around before packing her things and leaving. I have exactly what I left Gerard with, nothing and it's agonising. I spend the month in bed, dreaming of him every night, wrapped up in one of hishoodies and the day it stops smelling like him is one of the hardest days so far. I can't handle the horrible feeling inside anymore and I drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom, grabbing my bottle of sleeping pills and downing them all, stumbling back to the bed and collapsing onto my side, curling into a ball around the picture of the two of us together. "I love you Gee, I'm coming" I slur out as the room dims and everything goes black.

Notes

For GeesGirl!