I'd End My Days With You In A Hail Of Bullets

"I love you Gee, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you, just like this" Frank whispers to me as he hovers above me in the hotel bed, the sheets bunched up on the floor along with most of the pillows, our fast frantic fucking destroying everything around us and we will have to pay for the broken lamp that's laying in pieces on the floor. I stare up into his eyes and we share a smile only two people truly in love can share, "I love you too Frankie," or so I thought.....

I open my eyes and realise I'm not in that warm brightly lit hotel room on tour anymore, I'm in my dark cold lonely apartment in a bed with sheets that don't smell like him anymore and I'm alone. I feel tears prick my eyes as I realise that this is now my life and no matter how many times I pray for it to change it's not going to and I just have to accept that I wasn't good enough for him in the end. I should have known, all those months I begged him to let us tell everyone, I would have shouted my love for him from the rooftops if he'd let me but he always insisted he wasn't ready yet and like an idiot I believed his claims that someday he would be if I had just been patient enough. The rest of the band didn't even know, although I think Mikey may have suspected for a while but it was hard to deny it any longer the day he came onto the bus and told us all that he was engaged to Jamia and my whole world came crumbling down around me. The fight, the last time I physically saw Frank was brutal. I dragged him to the back of the bus away from everyone and he looked at me with the most guilty expression on his face that I've ever seen on anyone. "You're engaged?" I ask and he hangs his head, unable to even look at me anymore. "Babe I was gonna..." "Don't call me that. If you're engaged to her, were you with her while you were with me?" He keeps looking at the floor and his silence screams the truth, he was and he's too much of a pussy to say it out loud. "How could you?" I scream at him, my
first of many tears falling. "I'm sorry" he whimpers pathetically as he looks up from the floor into my eyes and he's crying too but I don't care. He deserves to cry after what he's done. He's torn my heart out and stomped on it before setting it on fire, the pain radiating through my chest is excruciating. "I never meant to hurt you I just.....I'm not gay Gee and I....." He's cut off by my fist colliding with his face and he stumbles back a few steps, clutching his nose as I scream "Fuck you, you're a fucking liar and I fucking hate you." I turn to run from the bus when I see Mikey, Ray and Bob standing in the doorway to the bunk area looking shocked. I charge past them, shoving Bob out of my way as I exit the bus and run down the street.

The memories of that day haunt me all the time and my heart has never recovered. It's been three months and I've tried calling him countless times but he never answers and I'm pretty sure he changed his number. I quit the band that day and it disintegrated, without a lead singer My Chemical Romance was no longer and the only person I feel remotely bad for in the whole thing was Mikey because he was left with nothing but I just couldn't do it any longer. I spend my days now laying in bed, only getting up to get food when the pain in my stomach gets too much to bear or I need to use the bathroom. The last time I showered was three weeks ago and the room smells like something died in here long ago but I'm used to it and it seems kinda fitting considering the thing that died was me. I'm dead, technically still living, my heart still beats and my lungs still inhale and exhale air but other than that I am dead and I don't have any will to live anymore.

I lay in bed just staring at the ceiling for hours and thinking about lyrics Frank and I wrote together a long time ago, 'I think I'll blow my brains against the ceiling' and I start to contemplate turning those words, strung together in a giggling joke when we were high in the studio into a reality. Life isn't worth living anymore and no one will even notice, I haven't spoken to another human in well over a month. I stumble out of bed and into the living room where I keep my pistol, hidden in a box in the back of a drawer in the tv cabinet and as I enter the room I notice the giant pile of mail sitting on the floor infront of the door, having been building up with every visit of the mail man. I walk over and inspect the fancy looking envelope ontop, my name and address written in fancy script and I reach down and pick it up, tearing it open and immediately wishing I hadn't. 'You're invited to help celebrate the wedding of Frank Anthony Iero to Jamia Nestor on....' But I stop reading as I stumble across the room, the invitation still in my hand. I grab the gun, already loaded and stumble back to my room, settling on the bed and sitting the gun beside me. I stare at the invitation until my eyes are too watery to see any more, focusing on the names and wondering why her name is on it and not mine. I reach out for my cell phone and dial Franks number one last time, expecting it to ring out before going to his voicemail when he answers and it startles me. "What do you want Gerard? I thought I had finally gotten rid of you when you hadn't called in so long. Are you RSVPing cause really you only got invited because Jamia doesn't know?" I feel my heart clench at his words, in such a hateful tone and I choke out "Frankie." Frank sighs into the phone and says "I don't have time for this shit, what do you want?" And I realise that a small part of me had been holding out hope that maybe he would realise he made a mistake and come back and that part has just died. I hang up and throw the phone away, grabbing my sketch book off the table where it has sat for months without being touched and a pencil, scribbling down my last words before tossing it aside and picking up the invitation again, staring at it as I grab the pistol and bring it to my temple. "I love you Frankie" I whisper out as I close my eyes and pull the trigger.

Notes

Feeling like I wanna just destroy myself in the worst way possible......