Sing Me To Sleep

Have you ever walked into a room and felt peoples eyes burning into you? Or you know they are thinking about you? Or even that they just don't like you? That's kind of what it felt like walking to dinner. I walk in and sat in my seat, across from bandit. Gee and Lynz weren't sitting yet, but I could hear the muffled yells from the next room over.. All I could hear were things like "how could you bring him Into are home!?" And then Gerard attempting to explain that I couldve died if he left me in the cold. I'm happy he cared.. But I don't want to cause trouble.. And I don't think I would've died. At least not from the cold. Maybe from other humans that saw me in the street once it got dark, but certainly not 'cause of the cold.
"Who are you?" Bandit asked in her squeaky little voice, she was a cute little kid.
"I'm Frankie" i smiled a little and looked at her. She giggled. "What's so funny?"
"you're short" she giggled more. And I giggled with her because she was right. I was short. Much shorter than gerard.. And lynz. "You're like a muchkin!" This time she broke out into a Fit of laughter. And I giggled with her.
"I'm not thaaaaat short. I'm taller than you."
"But I'm a kid and you're a grown up"
"I'm not that old" i chuckled "and that doesn't matter. I'm still taller" she smiled and I smiled back. I guess Gerard and lynz have.. Special.. Ways of sorting of their arguments.. Because now I couldn't hear yelling.. I could only hear them having sex. And that broke me up, because I want to be lynz. I want to be in bed with Gerard.. But that won't happen. Just hearing them made me feel sick.. When gerard walked out with messy clothes and sex hair i practically vomited. I kept my head down and didn't say anything. I decided to say grace, but it was more of a whispery mumble.. I dont know if they are religious.. Or if we are of the same religion. My mom made me go to catholic school.. Saying grace was more of a habit then anything else.
I think gerard heard me because when I looked up he was starring at me like i had four heads.
"What are you doing?" He asked. Okay, so he wasnt religious.
"I was just uh-" I started getting all blushy "saying grace"
"saying what?" Wow he was really cluess.
"saying grace. It's thanking god and asking to bless the food and stuff.. I don't know exactly why I do it. My mom did it my whole life" i cut myself off. He didn't care about my mom and are religious habits. And I don't want to babble.
"Oh" was all he said. Meanwhile, lynz obviously didn't like whatever I have to say, she just glared. Honestly, sometimes I don't know why I thank god and stuff. I mean, I guess the life i have was something i brought upon myself, but he isn't helping me out. And life has been hard and I don't really have much to thank him for. Maybe my coffee in the morning.. And Gerard. But that's it.
i was obviously lost in thought yet again, because I was snapped back into reality when I heard Gerard's voice. "So Frankie, where are you from?"
"I'm from Maine. Camden, Maine"
"what it like there?" Bandit asked with a serious face.
"Well.. It's nice. It's near the ocean.. But the coast up there is a lot different from the Jersey Shores.."
"really?" Gerard looked slightly confused "it's ocean, isn't it all the same?"
" oh, uh" i didn't want to babble to much "the water is a lot colder, not that great to swim in. And there are a lot of ports and harbors. For boats and stuff.. Lobster"
"oh lynz, we should have lobster tomorrow, I know it's expensive but mm it's so good" i thought for A second, lobsters not expensive, at least not where in from..
"yes baby. We can, I'll pick them up tomorrow"
"Thank you baby" he smiled a cute little half smile.
"lobster isnt expensive" I thought out loud. "At least not where I'm from" they looked at me again, kind of surprised.
"well.. We have to get it from places like Maine.. So it cost more to get it down here" gerard explained.
"oh" i guess that made sense. the rest of dinner was kind if awkward. I tried not to look at lynz. And I really tried to eat it all, but I couldn't. It was really delicious, but I don't eat a lot, once a day maybe. But sometimes I didn't eat at all. Not because I wanted to be skinny, I was practically skin and bones, just because I didn't have money. Gerard looked at me "is it okay?" I knew he was talking about the food.
"Yeah it's delicious.. It's just.. A lot of food. And I don't usually eat anything so-" I was cut off.
"you don't usually eat? Why not?" he was genuinely confused. He didn't understand that I don't have money.
"i just.." I hung my head "I couldn't afford it" I was truly ashamed. I felt so humiliated. I didn't want him to know I was so broke I couldn't even eat. I didn't want his pity. And I knew that if he knew I was just some deadbeat then he would never like me..
"oh.." He gave me a sad look. "Well, you can stay as long as you want" after those words fell out of his mouth i think lynz tried to kick him under the table.. She missed. I felt a hard kick to my shin.
"OW!!" I practically yelled. I didn't mean to.. It just came out. And she didn't look sorry.
"LYNZ!" Gerard yelled. He pulled her back into their room and they started yelling again. It was only a matter of time before the sex. I picked up the empty dishes and started washing them. I saw bandit walk to her room and I did the dishes and tried to ignore them going at it in the next room over. A few tear escaped my eyes and I finished the dishes. I walked around and looked for my bag and guitar from earlier.. I couldn't find them. I walked through one of the hallways and saw them sitting in a bed in what looked like a guest room. I walked in and emptied my bag into the bed. Sketch book, dirty smelly clothes, pencil, pencil sharpener, worn out wallet, and a small box. I opened up the small box and look at all my blades. I closed it and put it off to the side with all my other clothes and stuff. I pulled the guitar out if the case and started to play. It was a song i wrote. Weighted was the name. I played quietly so i didn't bother anyone. I heard lynz moan Gerard's name extremely loudly. And i put my guitar back. I grabbed the box and went into the bathroom and locked the door. I opened the box and grabbed a Blade.
one for making lynz mad.
two for thinking about gerard.
three for making them fight.
before I realized it i wasn't even cutting for a reason. I was cutting just to cut.
I put back my blades and cleaned myself up. I walked back to bed and sighed.

After about four hours of not being able to sleep and having to listen to gerard loud fucking snoring, I have up. I took out my pencil and opened up to a new page of the sketchbook. I watch up all night drawing. I did t even know exactly what I was drawing until I looked at the final image.
a picture if gerard and i. Kissing each other, naked in bd making out.
Fuck

Notes

Okay I know this ones kinda long and boring. Sorry.


ARxoxo