Bright Lights That Cast A Shadow

Today was the funeral.
I woke up to Frank brushing his fingers along my jawline I groaned and rolled over, trying to block out reality and get more sleep.
"C'mon Gee. We have to go to the funeral." His voice cracked sorrowfully on the word funeral, and I turned to look at him. He looked just as tired as I was, with deep purple bags under his eyes. I suppose none of us had slept very well during these past couple of days. He prodded me one last time and I sat up groaning, letting him know that I would stay up.
He nodded satisfied and gave me a quick kiss on the lips before turning towards the kitchen. I on the other hand headed towards the shower. I scrubbed myself clean under the hot spray of water, and scrubbed shampoo through my hair. Stepping out of the shower I brushed my teeth. Finally satisfied with my hygiene, I went to join Frank in the kitchen.
I didn't find him in the kitchen, but instead in the living room. He, unlike me who had just pulled on boxers, was already dressed in what he wore yesterday. We had laid our suits out nicely last night so that we could wear them again today.
He didn't hear or see me come in behind him because all of his attention was on the painting I did last night. His mouth was slightly agape and he seemed slightly awestruck. I snuck up behind and hugged his waist. He jumped in surprise before wrapping his arms around mine.
"It's beautiful," He whispered as if the painting was fragile and would break if he spoke too loud.
"It's how I picture you," I told him truthfully. "You're like my guardian angel, always there for me and letting me know how amazing I am. And I love you for it." He snuggled back into as he heard the words, tilting his head back to nuzzle my jaw with his nose.
"You're adorable," He informed me. "And I love you for it."
~~~
The service was held in a nearby church. It really was beautiful in a gruesome way. There were red and black roses everywhere, surrounding the closed navy blue casket that held our friend. There were also candles scattered around the whole room. The air was thick with the smell of incense that grew as we took our place in the front row of pews. This row was reserved for his closest friends, and I felt slightly touched that the others thought I belonged here. The first row pews on the other side were reserved for his parents and grandmother. I could see his mother, crying softly while the other two hugged and comforted her. I felt sick knowing that I played a part in causing her pain. As usual Frank seemed to sense something was wrong and took my hand squeezing it.
The funeral began not long after Mikey slipped into his spot beside me, brought by Bob who was next to Frank. The whole thing seemed to go by in a blur, the priest talking about how much of a wonderful boy Ray had been and how very much he would be missed. It irritated me though, because this priest had never met him in his life.
Soon it was time for the eulogies. All four of us were going to say something. I listened to Bob's speech about working with Ray for years, and being close friends with him. He finished up soon enough and it was Frank's turn. It had surprised me and Frank both when Mikey had asked Frank to speak, but he had accepted. They really had clicked though and were on their way to best friend status when it happened.
I actually listened to what Frank had to say. I knew it would be short, because that's just who Frank was, but it would have so much emotion that it would make people cry.
"I met Ray Toro about five months ago. About two months ago we really started talking. Ray was just in general a nice person. He would always listen to you, he was good on picking up emotions, and he was always a shoulder to cry on. But he was also funny, carefree, and thought that that damn fro was epic, which it was. I'll miss you fro fro. You didn't deserve this, but I hope you and your hair rest in piece." He stepped down from the podium, and gave a farewell hand gesture in the direction of Ray's casket, before returning to his spot by me.
"And now we will hear from a fellow co-worker and friend of Ray's, Gerard Way." I took that as my cue to stand and take the podium. I took a deep breath and glanced over the sea of red eyes and smeared mascara. They all were gathered here because Ray knew me, and I couldn't feel any more guilty.
"Ray Toro." I began, the sadness crashing down on me and beginning to swallow me. "At first I thought he was weird. Just some random guy with this big hair that I worked with. Then one day he found me crying. He hugged me and just told me stories until I calmed down. He didn't ask what was going on. He didn't prod. He just told me about the time he stuck his hand in a cupcake or got left at a gas station. When I did finally tell him he listened without judgment and was accepting. Ray Toro was the first person I told I was gay. The amount of support he gave me since I met him and all the advice, or just the pleasant smile, was amazing. If I could see him just one more time I would tell him I'm sorry for things I didn't do. Cause he was my best friend, and I owe him so much that I can never repay. And if you're watching up above, thank you."
I hugged my arms to my side and quickly returned myself to Frank's side, trying to hold back the sobs. Mikey was letting his flow freely, but quietly, and I pulled him over so that his head was resting on my shoulder.
Before I knew it, it was time for us to carry the casket out. Me, Mikey, Bob, and three of his college friends were going to carry it to the hearse. Frank would've, but he was too short to actually life it. We carried it slowly out the heavy wooden doors and down the stone steps. We all walked together, and in no time we had reached our destination. We lowered the coffin and slid it into the back of the hearse. I slammed the door shut and looked in one last time.
Frank found me and pulled me towards our car so that we could drive to them cemetary for final goodbyes. It was just starting to click that I was never going to see him again. We would bury his body six feet under, where it would eventually decay away to nothingness. I would never see him smile again, or get advice from him, or hear him greet me as he entered the store. He was truly gone, and there was nothing I could do.
The ride to the cemetery was about fifteen minutes long, and spent in total silence. Frank parked along the cracked one way road going through the cemetery, and we both climbed out, joining the group of black clad mourners and pushing our way to the front.
The casket was already in the hole, with us crowding around it. Some prayers were said before Mikey stood up to address the group. I wish I could have said I payed attention, but in all honesty I was lost in my own thoughts, staring at the casket.
There was no more Raymond Toro. He didn't exist anymore. All that was left of him was an empty shell. It was caused because I decided to date the wrong person. It didn't seem fair. Of all the people to die in the world today it had to be him. Sweet caring Ray. I felt hopeless in that moment.
Mikey finished up and we all threw roses on the casket. Then the grave diggers began covering the casket with dirt. It startled me to realize that it was over. I approached Mikey who was just staring at the spot while the workers shoveled on dirt.
"You okay?" I stood by his side and watched with him.
"No." His voice cracked and I saw tears brim in his eyes again and I hugged him. He hugged me back for a second before sighing. "Go Gerard. I have a ride home with Bob. I'll be fine." I nodded knowing that he needed time to be alone.
"Bye Ray," I gave the grave a final sad way, bidding farewell to my best friend for the last time, before turning and walking back towards Frank sadly.
"Let's go," I said tiredly. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it reassuringly.
"I swear Gee. This will turn out okay somehow. I don't know when or how, but it will." I just nodded, feeling no urge to speak.
I could only hope as we exited the small cemetary that he was right.

Notes

wow not many chapters left...