You're Beautiful To Me

A week later Frank is at work at the bar and I decide I need to get out of the house, loading Anna and Miles into the car and going to the mall, putting them in the new two seater pram Frank bought and I wander around for a while, going into a department store and buying them some new clothes and Miles sleeps most of the time but Anna is awake and hyped up, babbling to her teddy bear and making me smile. I'm on my way to the record store when I hear someone call my name hesitantly and I turn my head, staring at the man approaching me and trying to figure out who it is when it clicks and I freeze in terror. Matt continues his path through the crowd between us until he's standing in front of me and I remain unable to move, staring at his face as memories of what he's done to me flash in my mind. "Hey, long time no see" he says as he leers at me and I turn and start to walk away, pushing the pram in front of me when he grabs my arm and I let go of the pram and yank it out of his grip. "Don't you fucking touch me or I'll scream." "No need to be all sensitive babe, I just wanted to catch up." "And I just never wanted to see you again so looks like neither of us is going to get what we want" I hiss at him and I turn to walk away again, only to have him follow me. "Leave me alone" I snap and Anna starts to cry at my loud voice so I walk around and kneel infront of her, trying to calm her down and when Matt tries to kneel beside me I snap and shove him hard, knocking him off balance and causing him to fall sideways. "Get the fuck away from my children." After he stands back up Matt glares at me and says "Your children? You must have gotten so fat being pregnant with them, hell you still are. Not much changes I guess" before walking away, shaking his head and I bite my bottom lip as I turn my attention back to Anna who slowly quietens down again.

That night after Frank comes home Anna is in bed asleep but Miles is awake and laying on Franks chest as Frank lays on the couch watch tv and I get up and leave the room, going into the bathroom and starting the shower, stripping off and looking at myself in the mirror. I sigh softly as I run my fingers over the scar on my lower stomach, wishing it wasn't there but not regretting for a second what it's from before turning sideways and I feel my eyes well with tears as I realise Matt was right, I've gotten fat again. I can barely make out my ribs and my hip bones are covered by fat and right before I step into the shower I stand on the scales, my heart sinking at the number that shows up. 130 pounds. I step off quickly, disgusted in myself that I've gotten so fat without even the excuse of being pregnant and having another person inside me. Frank must be so disgusted in me, no wonder he hasn't tried to sleep with me more than once since Miles was born and as I step into the shower I sink down to the floor, curling in on myself as I sob into my knees, vowing to lose all the weight I've gained so Frank will want me again.

Notes