You're Beautiful To Me

A month later my bump has grown a little more and I'm feeling tired and sick all the time. I have another doctors appointment so Frank takes me and when the doctor sees me he frowns at my appearance and he asks me to step on the scales. I close my eyes, afraid of what the number will be when the doctor sucks in a deep breath and tells me I can step off. Once I'm off I open my eyes again and the doctor looks upset as he says "Gerard you should have gained weight but you've lost almost ten pounds since the last appointment." "What?" Frank snaps and I drop my head, looking at a patch on the carpet as I bite my bottom lip, trying hard to not cry. In the last month I've been wearing baggy clothes and only eating when Frank is there and I'm forced to and we have only been intimate a few times, my sex drive severely deminished due to the prenancy. "Gee" Frank says softly and I look up at him, my eyes swollen with tears and he stands up from his seat beside Anna's pram and crosses the small office to me. "Babe what's going on? I thought you were doing ok?" "I was getting fat and I did this shoot and the guys looked so perfect and I...." "Baby Shh no you're perfect. Baby you can't do this to yourself, you're not just hurting yourself now, you're hurting our little boy in there and you're hurting me too. Why didn't you talk to me?" While he's talking his hands come up to gently cup my face and I start to cry as I say "I hate that my stomach is getting so big and I....." I trail off, not knowing what to say. The doctor speaks up, interrupting to say "Gerard, I know this is a struggle for you but if you continue to do this to yourself you not only risk losing the baby but you are also at a higher risk of dying yourself because of the strain the pregnancy is putting on your already frail and damaged body. You need to be gaining weight, you're supposed to, it's natural." I don't respond and Frank looks from the doctor back to me again and he says "Baby please." I step forward, burying my face in Franks neck as his arms wrap around my waist gently. "I love you so much and losing you and the baby would kill me" he whispers in my ear and I nod against his neck, showing him I'm listening without actually saying anything.

Later that afternoon when we get home Frank puts Anna down for a nap and I go and lay on the couch, staring mindlessly at the tv, not really paying attention to the show that's on when Frank comes in and kneels infront of me. "Gee, baby we need to talk about this." "Can we talk later? I'm so tired and sore right now" I mumble to him and he sighs before saying "Ok, come on then" helping me up off the couch and scooping me into his arms, carrying me to the bedroom and laying me on the bed. Once I'm laying down he moves around and takes my shoes off for me before sliding off my pants and helping me take my shirt off, leaving me in my boxers and I feel more comfortable. "Is it your back?" He asks and I nod as I let my eyes drift closed and Frank climbs onto the bed, gently guiding me to roll onto my side and his hands start working my sore aching muscles and I let out a soft groan as his soothing hands help lull me to sleep. When I wake up again Frank is sitting beside me in bed cuddling Anna to his chest as she sucks on a bottle, her little hands waving around and when he sees I'm awake he smiles softly at me before saying "Once Anna goes back to sleep we need to talk, I called in and took the night off work" and I swallow hard as I feel my heart clench and my stomach churn, scared about what's coming.

Notes