You're Beautiful To Me

That night after Anna and Miles are in bed asleep I go in and check on them, pulling their blankets up and kissing their foreheads before sneaking back out of their rooms and making my way to my bedroom, grabbing my pyjamas and going into mine and Franks bathroom. I start the shower, letting the water heat up while I undress and once I step under the water, the cubicle door closing behind me I break, a choked off whine escaping my lips as I sink down to curl up on the floor, my knees pulled up to my chest as I sob uncontrollably, feeling my heart break as the realisation of how much I'm failing Miles sets in. I sit on the floor, too hot water pounding down on me while I sob until the door opens, startling me and I lift my head to see Frank coming into the room, his outline blurry from the tears still clouding my eyes and the steam from the hot water but seconds later he's right there, kneeling infront of me and pulling me over into his arms. "Babe" he coos softly as I wrap my arms around him, melting into his chest as I sob into his neck but I'm too far gone now so he falls silent and just tightens his hold on me, letting me wail and sob into his neck until I run out of tears, the hot water also running out so Frank gently helps me up, turning the water off and guiding me out of the shower cubicle. Once we're both dried and dressed again Frank scoops me into his arms and carries me into the bedroom, laying me on the bed before telling me he'll be right back and leaving the room again.

When Frank comes back I've curled up into a ball around one of the spare pillows on the bed and he sits on the edge of the mattress beside me, asking me to sit up for a second so I slowly push myself into a half sitting position, my head spinning from the movement as Frank hands me a pill, opening the bottle of water in his other hand while I put it in my mouth and once I've swallowed it he takes the bottle back and I settle back down into my laying position. Frank stands up again and crosses the room to turn the light off, coming back and climbing onto his side of the bed before pulling me back against his chest while he pulls the covers up over me and I roll over to bury my face in his neck again. "I don't know what to do anymore" I choke out, feeling myself tear up again and Frank starts rubbing his hand up and down my back as he says "Baby I'm scared too okay, but not just for Miles. I'm scared for you too, this isn't healthy baby. Blaming yourself and beating yourself up over it isn't healthy. I know you haven't been sleeping, you've barely been eating and I can't stand to see you in so much pain. I love you so much and I need you to just switch off for a while, give yourself a break." The conversation dies after that, both of us going quiet before Frank starts softly humming as he continues to rub his hand soothingly up and down my back and I feel my eyelids drooping, my whole body slowly relaxing as the sleeping pill he gave me starts to work and I drift off to the soothing sound of Franks heart beat and his humming.

The next time I wake up Frank is gone but Miles is laying in bed beside me reading to himself so I slide over and curl into his side, my head resting on the pillow beside his head as my arm snakes around his waist. "Hey baby" I say softly and he sits the book aside and rolls to face me, sliding closer and pulling me into a hug which I happily return. When we pull apart again I smile weakly and say "You want some breakfast?" Miles starts to laugh before saying "Dad it's three in the afternoon" and I sit up, my head spinning from the sudden movement as I look over at the clock and see it really is three o'clock, the sleeping pill having knocked me out for almost eighteen hours.

Notes