I woke up in Gerard's warm arms, the air felt cold and grays clouded the February skies making it seem as though dawn had just arrived. I tried to stay still, awaiting Gerard's awakening. He seemed easeful in his sleep, whimpering or whispering on occasion.

The bus was calm also, Ray had passed out with an xbox controller in his hand the night before and Mikey slept in the bunk above our manager's. Ray's game showed a "DEFEATED" screen, of course. It told him his rankings, and about what time he died in the game. Mikey was curled o gently behind Krista, in some sweet, huggy-cuddly way.

Gerard woke up, stretching his arms and legs across me involuntarily. He groaned out of exhaustion, opening his eyes slowly. He took in his surroundings, realizing we were the only one's awake besides the driver. He slid his hand beneath my shirt, kissing me good morning, with his bad breath.

"Good morning, baby." He kissed me, whimpering something about how everyone else is asleep. I crawled off of him, grabbing the French press I'd brought along for him, tracing my engagement ring with my index finger and opening the cup. I poured coffee into his mug and carrying it to the couch next to where Ray had been asleep. "Thanks for the coffee." Gerard kissed me, holding my empty hand and drinking his coffee.

I drank my coffee, since I hadn’t been completely awake. We sat next to Ray, whispering so that he wouldn’t wake up. We conversed quietly about tonight’s show and whether or not we should kiss on stage since we’d gone public. Gerard finished his coffee halfway through the conversation and handed me his cup, signalling for me to make more.

We kept the conversation going while I made more coffee, deciding it was a bit soon for the guys and they’d probably feel a bit awkward about it. Afterwards, Gerard grabbed his sketchbook along with a pencil set, and he started drawing. While he was busy, I grabbed a grey flannel to put over my Black Flag shirt and I organized my belongings in the basket hanging next to my bunk. I brushed my hair to the side of my face and started picking out what I could stuff into the bus’ storage. I kept five pairs of jeans, seven t-shirts, two pairs of shoes, some underwear, a notebook, and a few other things. I stuffed them into the basket, grabbing my phone and lying down in my bunk.

I went on twitter for a while, occasionally tweeting a fan. I decided to take a nap instead of going on my phone, so I slid off my jeans and went to sleep

---

I woke up to Ray yelling my name and hitting me in the head with a pillow. “Wake the fuck up Iero!” I opened my eyes, groaning and stretching.

“Where are we?” I asked, rolling my sore neck.

“Some diner in Seattle. Gerard and Mikey got hungry, do you want to get anything before the show?” Ray explained.

I nodded my head, pulling on my jeans and a pair of converse and brushing my fingers through my hair. I pushed myself out of the bunk and towards the bus' exit, rubbing my eyes gently.

Gerard greeted me at the entrance to the small diner. "Hey, are you okay? You look like you're getting sick again." Worry filled his eyes, and it sort of confused me considering that I was always sick.

"Always am. Can we go eat?" I asked, trying to get into the diner. I looked back to Gerard, yawning and walking forwards.

"Yeah. Follow the lady, I'll meet you in there in a second." Gerard stayed behind for about two minutes, returning a little less awake and a little more.... Depressed? No other words seemed to really describe it.

He waddled back into the restaurant and sat next to me, kissing my cheek and asking the waitress for coffee. I looked up at him in silence. "Are you okay? You seem a bit off..."
I commented, brushing his fringe behind his ears.

"I'm okay, I just need some sleep soon. Maybe a cigarette." He smiled back, drinking his coffee and waiting for the waitress to come back to get our orders. Even his smile had a sad look to it, and Gerard never depended on cigarettes to relieve his stress, even when he was cleaning himself up from all the drugs. There definitely was something wrong, I could feel it.

The waitress returned with our orders and refilled our previous orders of coffee. I ate my food very quickly, considering that I hadn’t eaten a decent meal since we’d left. My eggs disappeared first, then my French Toast, then my bacon. It was funny, considering that a few years ago I wouldn’t have touched a good amount of this stuff considering I was a vegetarian, borderline vegan. My coffee disappeared slowly with the rest of my food.

Once I finished, I decided to let the rest of the group to finish eating, so I went outside to smoke. I sat there in silence, because the arguing in my own head was already loud enough. Did he relapse? Or did he even get sober in the first place? I wanted to throw up and just die right there. I pulled the smoke from my cigarette into my lungs and exhaled with a few coughs.

“Hey Frank, mind if I join you?” Gerard asked, startling me and causing me to jump.

“Sure,” I reply, handing him a cigarette. “Here.”

We sit there in utter silence for a few minutes,until the questions start eating me alive. “Are you still clean?”

He stared at me for a moment, as if deciding if he was or not. “No.”

“Did you ever get clean in the first place?” I put my face into the palms of my hands.

“Yes, I was clean for a few months.” He bit his lip. “I’m sorr—”

“Why do you always lose control at the worst possible times?” I commented. “Whenever things are going well it seems.”

“This isn’t about you, I’ve never gotten drunk to throw away your effort, or because I hated you.”

“You drink to forget about me. You drink when I’m not around because nothing makes you feel better than destroying your liver with some bottle.”

“I was fine without you, I was fine when I was with Bert. At least he never forced me to do anything if I didn’t want to do it. I don’t need to get clean because I don’t feel like I’m at rock bottom anymore. It’s not like I’m being a bad influence considering my kid in in California and we’re not. You’re such a fucking hypocrite, Frank.”

“How am I being a hypocrite? I’m not an addict.”

“You drink all the time, and you take pills, and you smoke weed. You drink more than I remember drinking and during tours, when I’m always around, you always go through withdrawals and hate the world. You only stop when I’m around because you know that I’d give you the same lecture you always give me.”

I really just didn’t know what I was supposed to say, and this really wasn’tthe time to start yelling about how weed and cocaine aren’t the same thing, because both got you high and that’s all the proof the kid needed. I decided to burn out my cigarette and I went back inside to pay for my part and then I went back to the bus.

I don’t know what made me feel the urge to do it, but I just threw all of Gerard’s shit out of my bunk, ripped the pictures of us off the wall and put my engagement ring into my backpack, because I didn’t want to be reminded that I have a lifetime of arguments ahead of me and I shouldn’t have been so stupid to think that some ring would get rid of all our problems.

Then I just cried. I sat in my bunk with a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie and I just cried. Eventually, I fell asleep in the cold bunk with a sleeping bag covering me and shielding me from the cold, while my tear-covered face remained visible. My curtain was closed and my eyes were red and I was too naive.

Notes

This was actually worked on piece by piece for about month. Sorry if it sucks.