You Can Cry All You Want To, I Don't Care

Now that I have my laptop back from school Frank and I Skype every night and he tries hard to keep me happy but I'm falling apart, badly. Every night seeing him on my computer screen is great but it just isn't the same thing and when I reach out to run my fingers over his cheek I'm met with cold glass, not warm flesh like it should be. It's Saturday night and I am laying in bed waiting for Frank to come online and call me and it's a good hour and a half later than we would normally do this so I continue to lay in bed staring at the screen and his name which tells me he's offline. Mikey is out at a party with his new friends and dad had to go away for work so I am home alone and I'm starting to feel like the walls are closing in on me. I feel my eyes prick with tears as I grab a cigarette and light it up, inhaling and then exhaling the smoke as I continue to stare at the screen and think about the fact that the last time I saw Frank in person was almost a month ago. I lay there for another half hour before hurt and anger take over and I turn the laptop off, sitting it aside and climbing off the bed. I stumble into the bathroom, flicking on the light and I'm met with my horrible reflection in the full length mirror. My skin is pale and sickly looking, my hair is longer, shoulder length now and incredibly greasy looking and I have dark purple rings under my eyes like I haven't slept in weeks and my lips are chapped and bitten, looking rough and uneven. I slowly start to remove my clothes and as I do I take note of all the bones that are now visible that weren't before. My collarbones are much more defined now and you can almost make out every individual rib. My hip bones protrude, making my sunken stomach even more noticeable and the space between my thighs is the biggest it's ever been. I haven't taken my clothes off infront of another person in a month so no one knows how bad it's gotten. In the last month since Frank left I've lost almost thirty pounds and I was never overly big to begin with so the change is very noticeable if you saw it. My eyes linger on my tattoo, Franks named inked into my skin and my eyes burn with tears as my vision becomes blurry. Why didn't he call? Is he with someone else? Does he want to break up? I step into the shower, turning the water on and it's a little too hot but I can't be bothered to change it and I slowly wash myself, including my hair before stepping out and drying off. Once I'm redressed in clean clothes I feel a little better physically and I go downstairs and grab a can of coke, lighting up a cigarette and sitting at the table smoking. Once I'm done I decide I can't sit in the house any longer and I slip on shoes and leave, deciding to walk around and get some fresh air. On my walk I pass some fast food stores and the smell wafting from them makes my stomach growl but I don't bother stopping. I keep walking and I come to the comic book store and I'm about to go in when I notice the store next to it is still open and when I look at what it is it's a hair salon. A crazy idea strikes me and I go inside. An hour and a half later when I reemerge my hair has been trimmed from shoulder length to very short, not quite shaved but still long enough I can run my fingers through it and it's blonde, almost yellow. I head back home and when I get there I pick up my phone, no messages or calls from Frank and I feel my heart crack as I throw it on the floor and strip down to my way too big boxers, climbing into bed and falling asleep.

The next morning I am woken by something touching my face and when I open my eyes Frank is kneeling beside the bed. I close my eyes again and roll over so my back is to him, so sure my mind is just fucking with me. A few seconds later I feel the bed dip and his warm body slides under the blankets with me, his hand snaking around my waist as he says "So you're mad with.....what the fuck?" He pulls the blankets back and rolls me onto my back, looking down at me and seeing why I feel different to him. "Oh my god babe what happened to you?" I shrug and reach out for the blanket but Frank grabs my wrist and stops me. "Baby have you been eating? You look like you've lost a lot of weight that you couldn't really afford to lose in the first place." "I dunno, just not hungry anymore I guess" I offer as an excuse and Frank shakes his head at me. "Baby, you're fucking scaring me, why didn't you tell me? You can talk to me about anything you know? And what happened to your hair?" "Oh" I say, remembering what I did last night and I reach up and run my fingers through the short strands. "I felt like a change. Do you like it?" Frank smiles softly and says "Yeah I do actually, you look really hot." I smile back and blush a little and Frank leans in to kiss me. Once his lips touch mine it's like a shock goes through my body and suddenly everything that has been hurting, everything that has died and is rotting and festering inside me doesn't matter and it's like I'm healed in that split second, the chains wrapped tightly around my heart dissolve and it starts beating again. I kiss back immediately, chasing the feeling of relief he's giving me with his lips and after a few seconds I tangle my fingers in his hair and he climbs over to straddle my hips, his fingers gently trailing down my sides as we kiss like we don't need air. "Missed you so fucking much" Frank murmurs against my lips as we break for air and my hands slide down out of his hair to tug at his shirt. "Make love to me Frankie, please" I plead pathetically, needing to feel him and he kisses me again before saying "It's alright baby, I've got you" and his hands slide down my boxers as he starts trailing kisses down my body.

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