You Can Cry All You Want To, I Don't Care

Mikey, dad and I walk back into the chapel after everyone else, Mikey clinging to me already sobbing hard and I wrap my arm around him and help hold him up, trying to keep myself together but silent tears are streaming down my face and dad reaches out and grabs my free hand, squeezing it tight and I turn my head to look at him as we walk towards the front where moms coffin is, now closed, and he's breaking apart more with every step we take. I squeeze his hand back and just as we reach the front row he breaks completely and the noise that breaks free of his throat chills me and and I feel myself breaking apart too. Frank and Pete stand from where they are waiting for us in the front row and rush over, Pete taking Mikey from me and once I know he's being held I turn and wrap my arms around dad, his face burying in my neck as his hands clench around the back of my suit jacket and he sobs so hard he can't breathe and I do the same, both of us clinging to each other as Frank lays a gentle hand on each of our shoulders and he slowly guides us to take a seat before we fall down completely, both of us still clinging to each other and Frank and Pete settle beside us on the long bench, Mikey between them and they both wrap their arms around him, Frank reach one hand out to rest on my back. We slowly quiten down and the priest starts the service, the only sounds in the room besides his voice are our muffled sobs. The service passes in a blur, I have no idea what the priest said and soon he stops talking and looks towards us and I realise it's time to get up and say something. Dad and I already discussed and he will speak as Mikey and I didn't think we could, saying something for all of us so I sit back and take his hand, Frank standing and helping us up and I reach out and take Mikey's hand in my other hand and he stands and presses himself into my side, having fallen silent but I can tell it won't take much to crack him again. The three of us slowly make our way up to the pulpit and dad pulls his speech from his pocket with his free hand, never breaking his hold on my hand and he starts to speak, his voice shaky and hoarse. "Donna Way was the love of my life. I've known her since we were sixteen and from the moment I first saw her beautiful smile I knew she was the girl I would spend the rest of my life loving. I am thankful she chose me and let me share her amazing successful life and that she gave me two wonderful, smart, sweet, caring sons. I am beyond crushed that she was taken from me so soon, so many of our life goals left unfulfilled but I find comfort in the fact that any time I feel alone I can look at our two sons and I will see her, her memory will live on in them. I would like to thank Frank and Pete for their love and support through this time and for keeping our sons safe, I know Donna would have been so happy to meet you boys and see just how much you mean to Gee and Mikes. And Gee and Mikes, mom will always love you, you two were truly her whole world and I was just lucky enough to come in second to you both but I wouldn't have had it any other way." He makes it through the whole speech before turning to us and once he's facing us he breaks again and we launch ourselves into his arms, all of us holding each other as we cry and when we finally break apart again, we turn to go back to our seats and we see the entire chapel filled with crying faces, not one person not crying. We step down and are almost back at our seats when Pete and Frank jump up and rush over to us, pulling us into a group hug for a few seconds before they help us sit again.

Once the service is over we make our way across the street to the cemetery where mom is to be buried, everyone crowding around the grave as her coffin is carried over, another very short small service taking place as we stand around and she is lowered into the ground. Once the coffin is half way down they stop it and the five of us take a long stem white rose and gently drop them on the coffin as we say our final goodbyes before they lower her the rest of the way and the service is complete. Once it's over everyone heads back over to the hall off the side of the chapel and a small get together is held, everyone catching up and after about ten minutes I feel overwhelmed by the amount of people in the room and I start to hyperventilate, a full blown anxiety attack taking over as everything hits me at once and as Pete and Mikey and Frank try to help me out the door I collapse, Pete and Franks hands on me the only thing stopping me from hitting the floor. My vision starts to blur and go black around the edges and my chest feels so tight I think my heart is about to burst. I vaguely register that I'm outside and laying on the grass and I pant out "I think I'm dying" before warm hands touch my face and I hear voices but I can't make out the words and everything goes black.

Notes