You Can Cry All You Want To, I Don't Care

The afternoon passes uneventfully and Frank and I go to bed early, my mood dropping again as I know what's coming tomorrow. I wake up at 4am and Frank is still sleeping beside me but I'm wide awake and I climb out of bed and grab his cigarettes, making my way downstairs and out onto the back porch where I find dad already there. "Can't sleep either huh?" He asks and I can tell he's struggling to keep it together. "Yeah.....I..." "Yeah I get it" he tells me and I sit beside him on the porch swing and light up a cigarette, dad wrapping his arm around my waist and holding me to his side as I lean over and rest my head on his shoulder. "I'm not ready" I tell him and he remains silent so I say "How am I meant to say goodbye?" And the first tears of the day start falling. Dad stubs his cigarette out and flicks it away before wrapping his arms around me and I sob into his chest. "I'm so sorry Gee and I'm sorry mom and I haven't really been there for you and Mikes lately but we love you boys so much and your mom was always so proud of you guys and she wanted to give you the world. I know she'll be watching over you two today." I don't respond, just continuing to sob into his shirt, soaking it and making it stick to his skin. "I just.....I'd give anything to be able to talk to her one last time" I choke out. "There's so many things I want to say and now I can't and..." "You can Gee, I organised for you and Mikes to have some private time before the funeral, you can tell her anything you'd like." I nod against his chest and we fall silent, my tears slowly stopping and I start to shiver, finally noticing the freezing early morning air. "Come on Gee" dad says as he helps me up and leads me inside.

A few hours later we are all dressed in suits and dad ushers us out of the house and into his car, the five of us making our way to the small chapel at the funeral home. When we go inside Mikey grabs my hand tight and doesn't let go, dad explaining that we can go see mom one last time and he stays behind with Frank and Pete while Mikey and I go through the door into the small private room where we see the coffin. I slowly approach, dragging Mikey behind me and as we approach moms beautiful face comes into view. She looks so peaceful, like she's just sleeping but we know better and once Mikey sees her he panics and says "No I can't... Gee please I.." Breaking off into sobs and I turn and wrap my arms around him, holding him to my chest and letting him bury his face in my neck to shield his view of her. "Shhh Mikes it's alright" I tell him, barely holding it together myself and he says "No Gee please I can't..." "Ok, come on it's ok" I tell him as I lead him
back to the door and as soon as I have it open he runs across the chapel and into Pete's arms, letting out choked off screams and sobs and I feel my heart crumble at the sight. Dad rushes over to them and offers Mikey his support, looking concerned and upset and Frank looks over at me questioningly. I shake my head and step back into the room, closing the door and going back over to the coffin, reaching down and gently touching moms freezing cold hand. "Hey mom. Mikes was here but, it's hard, too hard for him and I know you'd understand that. There's so many things I wish I could share with you that I'll never get the chance to, I'll miss you so much at my graduation and all the other important events of my life but I know you'd be there if you could and I'll carry that knowledge with me always. I wish you could have met Frank, he's amazing and I really love him mom. I think you would have liked him too, he's so sweet and smart and funny and tough and I could really see myself spending the rest of my life with him and im actually....I wanna ask him to marry me and I hope we can have all the happiness you and dad had. I was in your room earlier and I was looking at all your favourite stuff and I found this ring and...I hope it's alright with you but I wanna give it to Frank so you're always a part of our lives. I'll miss you mom, and I love you so much." I feel my eyes prick with tears again as I lean down and press a soft kiss to her forehead before pulling a small family picture from my pocket and slipping it into her hand, wanting her to have it. "Goodbye mom" I whisper to her as I step away from her and make my way out of the room. When I step out again Frank rushes over and pulls me into his arms and I go willingly, pressing myself into his chest. "Frankie, I love you so so fucking much and I..." "I love you too Gee. Come on we should go out...." "No wait, there's something I need to say and..." I drop down on one knee and say "Frankie I love you so much and I know this probably isn't the best way or place to do this but I can't wait any longer and will you marry me?" My words blending together in one long blur by the end with how nervous and emotional I am, my hand reaching into my pocket again to pull out one of my moms rings with an intricate pattern on it, small diamonds around the band. "Gee..." Frank breathes out and I panic, starting to think I fucked up and he drops his knees and cups my face in his hands. "Yes" he says as he stares into my eyes and I smile wide as I lean in to kiss him, our lips crashing together and our tongues tangling with passion. When we pull apart I stare into his eyes and say "Really?" "Of course" he tells me, smiling wide at me and I take his left hand and slide the ring onto his finger, the band being a perfect fit. "Babe where did you...?" "It was my moms" I tell him and he opens his mouth wide and says "No babe I can't take this we can..." "No, we talked, she's cool with it." Frank giggles a little and I smile at the sound before we pull ourselves off the floor and I link our hands together as we make our way outside with everyone else.

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