I'm Not Okay

I woke up to sunlight filtering through the blinds and into my eyes. I rolled over, half expecting Frank to be there, but I then remembered that he left last night. I sighed and rolled back over to look at the time. It was 8:13. Group didn’t start till 10, but since Patrick was the therapist for it, he always wanted to be 15 minutes early and that usually meant I had to be early too. But today I wasn’t going to go; today I was spending the whole day visiting my mom’s grave who died 10 years ago.

I got out of bed and walked over to the closest, since I was here every day I kept clothes here. I put on black skinny jeans, a black button up shirt, and I tied a blood red tie on. I applied eyeliner and looked at myself in the mirror. My mom always told me to dress the way I wanted and not the way I think people would want me to. So that’s why I’m wearing this to her grave. I grabbed my backpack and slung it over my shoulder. I finally put on my beat up converse and black jacket. I slowly cracked the door open and looked left and right making sure that Pete and Patrick weren’t awake. When I saw that they weren’t I walked into the kitchen and found a notepad and a pen. I scrawled a quick note on it.


Pete and Patrick,
I went to spend the day at my mom’s grave. She died 10 years ago. If you need me I’ll be there all day but try not to need me.
~G

I put the note in a place they could see it when they entered. I quietly excited the ground floor apartment and walked out into the cold February air. There was snow and ice on the ground, especially in the street (keep this in mind children). I almost fell a couple times getting to the shop I had to visit first. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and walked into the flower shop. I walked to the back and picked out two bunches. One was of multi-colored garden roses my mom’s favorite. The next was just a bunch of daisies. I was going to make a flower crown and put it on her grave. I walked up the counter and put them down getting my wallet out.

“Are these for your girl?” He asked with a wink.

I laughed softly. “No, they are for my mom. She died 10 years ago today.” I watched his face drop.

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Here the flowers are on the house. You go and visit her grave without having to worry about buying this.” He told me. I gaped at him.

“A-are you sure?” I stuttered out.

He just smiled sadly at me. “I am, I know what it’s like to have a lose in the family. My son died when he was 16. If you see a grave with the name Slade Wethers, say hello for it for me, okay?” He asked, I nodded sadly and thanked him for buying the flowers and walked out the door; the flowers firmly tucked under my arm.

***
I got to the cemetery and looked up at the big looming black gates that were opened. I slowly walked in, staring at all the grey headstones. Looked for one called Slade, the way the graveyard was set up was that the closer you are to the gate the older the deaths are, the farther you got away the newer they are. My mom’s grave was about half way from the gate. I finally found his grave, just a few rows down from my mom’s. I looked at the drab rock.

Slade Kyle Wethers
January 1, 1998-December 31, 2014
Beloved brother, son, and twin
You will forever be in our hearts, rest in peace little bro

I stared at the rock, he just died recently no wonder the guy gave me the flowers for free. I picked a dark red rose out of the bunch and layed it gently on the ground.

“I never knew you, but your dad was proud of you. I’m sorry you never got to celebrate your 17th birthday. I hope you’re enjoying it up there with Mitch Lucker and Kurt Cobain.” I softly said I tear already falling from my eye smearing my eyeliner. I walked away gently chuckling to myself. I walked on the unblemished white snow leaving my mark until I got to my mom’s grave. I sat down in front of it not caring that snow was soaking through my pants and making me shiver. I traced the engraving on the marble headstone.

Gabrielle Rose Sheltez
July 26, 1979-February 11, 2004
Beloved mother, sister, wife
May you sing up there with the angels and may we hear you comforting us in our time of need

I gently sobbed and laid the roses down on the ground in front of her and started to make her crown as I talked to her.

“Hey mom,” I mumbled. “So you’ve been dead for 10 years. Oh how time does fly. I really hope you have seen what you’re excuse of a husband did to me. But I don’t want to talk about that. I want to talk about how my life has been. I finally got a family to adopt me, I’ve been with them since November. I love them, I finally get to be a big brother because they have a younger son who is only 14, 15 soon I think. I also have a boyfriend. Yeah mom, I’m gay. I know you wouldn’t have had a problem with it because I know your brother was gay. I have an amazing boyfriend.” I smiled thinking about Frank. “His name is Frank he has all of these piercing and such; he is amazing I would do anything for him…” I continued talking about everything that had happened to me that year. And as I talked, my hands worked on the crown.

“…I miss you,” I sobbed. “I wish you never got stabbed. I wish I didn’t get sick that made you go get my medicine for me. If I hadn’t gotten sick then you would still be alive. It’s all my fault.” I sobbed into my hands. I knew my mom wouldn’t want me blaming myself, so I calmed down and looked back at the grave. I leaned forward and put the crown on the corner, I used all of the flowers. It gave the grave a nice look. “I love you, I hope you know that up there and I miss you so much. I miss you everyday. They Way’s may have adopted me, but you will always be my mom. No one can replace that.”

I got up from the ground and hugged the grave. I kissed my fingers and placed them gently on where it said mother. I smiled sadly and started to walk back. I was almost to the gate when my phone started to ring. I took it out of my pocket and looked at who was calling. Mikey. I smiled and answered.

“Hello?” I said.

“G-g-gee?” He whispered, I could tell he had been crying.

“Hey, hey it’s alright. What happened?” I comforted over the phone. I heard him break down.

“I-it’s mom and dad…they are being transported to the hospital..they..they are dead.” When Mikey uttered those words. My heart stopped.

My breathing stopped.

“No!” I shouted to the ground, collapsing to the ground with Mikey shouting my name through the phone laying discarded on the ground.

Notes

Ohhhhhhh snap!



(ps february 11 is my birthday :3 and july 26 is my older brothers xD)