Well, I can explain what happened to my faith.

She slowly pulled away, opening her eyes and pulled her legs close to her chest. Then she began, "hmm... I don't even know how to put it." I put my hand on hers and squeezed it lightly, she refused to look at me.

She just kept her gaze down, but didn't flinch. I spoke in a soft voice, "Cam... tell me, tell me about you." She inhaled a deep breath, before beginning, still refusing to look at me, " Me? I am someone who is wrong in all the right ways. I'm so wrong, just so damn wrong that you won't even believe it.

I feel anxious around people. I'm way too clumsy and awkward, so I ignore talking much to anyone. And the little bit of social skills I have, are the mere results of my 'early' years. By 'early years', I mean- the time before it all got down to this- this mess that I have become.

I can't walk through the crowd without feeling small. What sucks more is that I'm surrounded by people.... people who don't give a shit about anyone but themselves. Not that I do either. But I did though.... I used to give so much shit about everyone, that now- like I said- it has all gotten to THIS.

I always make some lame excuses to leave early when I'm at a party or a gathering. I feel stupid around people. And if you ask me, people appear equally stupid to me. I prefer to be left alone. I prefer the darkness over the light. Thus, spending an entire day sitting all alone in a dark room with a little night lamp, while listening to music and doing what I enjoy-that is, either doodling or writing.... is my idea of a perfect weekend.

I love listening to music which have meaning, music which speaks right to me. I refuse to leave my sanctuary, even during special occasions. I distant myself from my family, in order to avoid answering questions and talking. My voice betrays me when I speak.... I feel like I can express myself more vividly through my writing. And so I write- I write down all that goes on inside my head, and sometimes it's in the form of poetry.

I don't have any real friends. In fact, I never did. The ones I thought I made, proved every theory of mine wrong. And now they hang out with me because they think it would make them fucking popular..... I was scrutinised, judged and laughed at by them. You see, during my early years, including last year- I was bulimic.

Even short, which evidentially, I still am. I'd constantly become the butt of my so called friend's jokes. No, of course, they don't call it bullying. Perhaps they think that calling names and making fun of someone's weaknesses is considered as a 'friendly gesture'. They might even be right.... because... I, I'm just so wrong.

I hate almost every person in my life. With all my hopeless heart. I let almost everything get under my skin, where it festers and multiplies until I can't fucking stand it anymore. It sucks so damn much you know. Then there is the added pressure coming from my parents, who just never understand me. Never did. They could've if they at least tried. Sometimes, all I wanna do is leave them.

I hate them at times. I hate it when they drone on about how huge of a mistake I am, about how big of a disappointment I've become, that they don't have a single ounce of faith in me. It hurts. Like a bitch. But lately it has been quite easier to tolerate it. I don't even know. I get so engrossed in my own little world that it is as if I can't listen to them at all. Which is to me, a good thing.

I don't even wanna remember a single word they have to say. I know they 'love' me.... or at least that's what they say afterwards. But for some odd reason, I just can't bring myself to love them anymore.... at least not in the way I used to when I was young. Honestly, they were my heroes. I adored them, they were my inspiration and I loved them. But then- you know, shit happened.

They turned into these narcissistic psycho control freaks. I still try to convince myself that I 'should' love them, that they're still my heroes. But I know deep down that... I don't and they aren't. You see? Hate never begins as hate. I wouldn't say I hate them either, but that doesn't mean I like them. It's just- I don't think I'd ever be able to bring myself to forgive them. I'll always hold this invisible grudge inside my heart for them.

But one thing though, I don't think I'll ever be able to ditch them. No matter what, I guess I'll always be there for them, even though they aren't there for me. But they were.... at some forgotten point, they were. But then every time those vile words escaped their mouth, it slowly erased every trace of them ever being there for me. At some point, they called me a narcissistic leech who only cared about herself. And oh my- did it hurt....

Even after working so damn hard for getting good grades, if I ever take a few breaks, they'd start droning on about how 'if I don't like studying, I should probably drop out of high school and not waste their money'. God... now I'm not even allowed to have a fucking break. So considerate, isn't it?

And I feel trapped. Trapped in a place from where there doesn't seem to be any escape. And so I cut.... in order to escape. It's a pretty stupid theory I've made- that physical pain cancels out the psychological one. But oddly, it works for me. Later when I look at my scars, I feel so contented and satisfied that its almost indescribable.

I know you're probably bored right now... but you see, I can't help it. I am, indeed, boring. This might've actually seemed more like an essay... but here it was. So that's it. This was me." I opened my mouth to speak, but I felt myself at a loss of words. I just stared at... well, nothing in particular.

She suddenly turned to face me and a bitter smile spread across her face, "One more thing- I might be the stupidest person ever to open up like THIS to a complete stranger." A complete stranger? Was this all that she thought of me? Well, it did hurt me when she called me a complete stranger. But in a way, I realised that I was, indeed that to her. She didn't know me... at all. And considering the fact that we haven't been on good terms lately, her saying that seems legit.

On the other hand, the revelations she'd just made in front of me... had leaved me slightly shocked. I seriously never thought that a girl like her, would ever go through shit like that. Honestly, if I felt bad then, then I feel horrible now. Because I know that I, too did things to hurt her. I'm such an asshole.... I felt too small. God... she went through ALL that crap, and still managed to pretend in front of the world that it was all okay.

No, she wasn't wrong. In my eyes, she's as right as right can be. Because I know what I did during my jaded times. I was never able to face my problems, I always ran away from them. I was a fucking coward.... because instead of being strong, I drowned myself into alcohol and drugs. Although recently I've been sober, but still it's a stain that will never fade. Her bitter smile showed how broken she truly was.

And instead of saying something, I just wrapped my arms around her, pulling her into a hug. She seemed a bit taken aback at first, but then eventually she relaxed and sighed. I patted her back slowly. But then I felt her wrapping her arms around me.

I pulled away quietly and looked into her doe eyes. With all of my confidence I spoke, "I might be a complete stranger, but know what? I don't think you're boring, clumsy, awkward or... a narcissistic leech who only cares about herself. And I certainly DON'T think you're wrong. In fact, you couldn't be any more right. Caméllia, you're right in all the perfect ways. Because instead of running away from your problems, you chose to carry on. You chose to pretend that nothing was wrong. You're strong, Cam.

And I want you to know that I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you because you did what I never could. You smiled through your pain, even though you didn't want to. You didn't let anyone know about your pain. You might not know, or want to admit it- but Caméllia Jordan, you are as right as right can be. And I don't ever want you do anything to harm yourself ever again. I know I don't have the right to tell you this, because like you said- I'm a complete stranger. But Cam, please... maybe not for me, but for art, for music, for every little and tiniest of the things that makes you smile... please, don't harm yourself.

I'm saying this because I went through a similar phase. But unlike you, I chose to run away from my problems. I was bulimic as well and there was a lot of bullying. Another reason was the way I dressed- it was different. I, too was constantly being made fun of. Sometimes I even got shoved into lockers and beaten unconscious. But unlike you, I didn't smile through my pain. I drowned myself in alcohol and drugs. I cut myself as well. Although my family was always supportive, it was just all too much for me.

For days, I used to lock myself in my room. Yes, music and art were my saviors as well. I'd do the same thing- isolate myself. But I never could plaster a smile and hold my head high, after whatever that happened. But YOU did. And I don't even know how is this even humanly possible.... that you're so broken, yet so strong. I wish I could've been more like you. When I first met you, I never even could've imagined that you'd be going through such hell.

Because you just perfectly veiled all that was going on inside you, with a smile. I bet I wouldn't have even sensed anything like this- if it wasn't for me seeing your scars. You never let anyone know." She absorbed every word of mine with an incomprehensible expression. There was silence for a moment. Then she put her hand on mine, and I placed my other on top of both of us.

I gave her a small smile, "But for me, stuff have changed.... NOW I can smile and can hold my head up high... wanna know why?" She frowned ever so slightly. And my smile broadened, "Because of... you. Intentionally or unintentionally, you gave rise to a new brave me. I don't feel like a coward anymore. You know when I first talked about you to Frank- He said you were an Angel. He told me that you didn't let anyone bully anyone for being different or anything. At that time, I couldn't understand why he said so. But now I know..."

And I felt her flush a deep shade of red. But the next second, a genuine smile spread across her lips as tears threatened to spill again, and the next thing I knew- I was pulled into a bone crushing hug. She grinned, "I'm not really much of a hugger, but I'm breaking that rule for you." I should've blushed at that, but I knew it was just a friendly gesture. So in response, I caressed her hairs.

When she pulled away, there were tears staining her cheeks. I wiped them away carefully and she smiled at me sweetly. I swear my heart skipped a beat at that.... ugh... this is wrong. So wrong. I shrugged it off immediately. Then she suddenly frowned, with those doe eyes, "why.... why are you being nice?"

I didn't reply, but gave her a sad smile while placing a hand softly on her cheeks. She smiled as well, then spoke in a small voice, "I never thought that you'd turn out to be.... just like me." And we broke into a grin at the same time.

She rested her head on my shoulders and muttered, "And if you're wondering that I have multi personality disorder because of my sudden changed appearance right now, then... well, I might have. But honestly, it was my parents who wanted me to act 'normal' at school. They didn't really say they 'wanted' me to. Instead, from what I recall- it sounded more like a threat- that they'd stop paying my school fee if I didn't do as they said."

I frowned angrily, "but they shouldn't tell you what you should do. I mean it's your life, and you're practically an adult now. It's your decisions, not theirs." She let out a titter, "if only someone made my parents understand that." I sighed. She still had her head resting on my shoulder.

I softly spoke, "Caméllia, I.. know I've been a real jerk lately and that we haven't really been on good terms. But.... I wanted to start again. You know... like redo this all. Well, what I mean to say is.... can we be friends?"

Notes

OK... so thanks my killjoys! thank you for reading this. I love you all so fucking much!
Cam