The Hardest Part of This Is Leaving You

The doctor brought us back into a room that was more set off where we could properly talk of the implications of me being done with chemo. He said that id appeared to be getting better but that when he did a cat scan last time I'd been to chemo he had found the exact opposite. The chemo had been a placebo more or less. So it needed to be stopped.
He also said that he wasn't sure what they could do. Between surgery and pills and Radiation it was simply a matter of what we've wanted.
All in all they could be the difference between 10 months and 10 years. I then asked him questions aboutt it. Yes my hair should Come back. Yes I should have my appetite again. And yes it's likely even with pills I'll still be tired and likely depressed. And like that he put me on 2 pills taken before every meal and 2 taken once a day at dinner. He said that they should make me feel better a bit happier a bit easier or move and the likes.
And he left mom and I with one final phrase I felt sealed my fate. "She'll need to quit school" I felt the phrase nearly choke me, I was okay as long as I was in school. When I had been 14 and was first diagnosed with depression and social anxiety my mom would constantly spew a certain phrase 'A good day doesn't have to mean you accomplish much, you just get up and go to school and if you can't even do that then you just had a bad day that's ok to as long as you get up eventually' I had failed her now and it wasn't the depression or anxiety this time. I wouldn't have a 'good day' until cancer was done kicking my ass and spitting in my fucking face.
Mom just made Mikey and Frank go home taking Frankies car they didnt say much and I already knew even not being in the room That it wasn't good. Mom drove me home and I was silent listening to the whirring of the wheels getting sicker and sicker as I was closer to home.
Being that the only sound was the dull sound of the radio I had to keep thinking. I remembered being smaller and creating huge elaborate stories in my mind so I wouldn't have to think about reality. So I could stay all day in bed without thinking about the fact that I was a disgraceful human being who most days couldn't get out of bed without crying. I could pretend to be a strong princess who slayed the dragons herself, or a girl who literally beat her demons, anyone but myself. Slowly these daydreams returned.