You're Beautiful, To Me

I didn't mean to slur my words, they had only just left my mouth when I frowned in surprise.
"Gerard.." Frank started.
"What?" My voice wavered slightly, "Do you want some?"
Frank shook his head violently, refusing the bottle which I had offered in my shaking hand. I scowled at him and brought the bottle back towards me, I lifted it to my mouth and drained it, savouring the last of the amber liquid. I then observed the empty bottle, shrugged, and chucked to the other side of the yard where it joined the other empty bottles, clattering on the ground.
"Gerard!" Frank exclaimed.
"Can I help you?" I said with a sigh and extreme sass, raising my eyebrows slightly.
"It's just, I, it doesn't matter." Frank tailed off and sat down on the ground beside me, I wasn't going to tell him but I actually quite liked it.
"What's up?" I asked casually, bringing my knees up to my chest and hugging them tightly.
"Not much, really, what about you?" He asked, staring straight ahead.
"I'm cold." I answered, hugging my knees closer.
"Do you wanna go inside then?" He asked, gently touching my shoulder.
"No." I said shortly.
He laughed at that and I joined in. "What's the point of that then?"
I snorted with laughter and then sat quietly, staring at the grey slabs on the ground.
"I could call you Gerry if you wanted." Frank said in a low voice after a moment.
"I'd rather you didn't." I replied, without averting my eyes.
"Alright." He said, staring at the same spot as me.
"But thanks." I said with a small smile.
Silence reigned for a few minutes and I sat contentedly.
"Gerard?" Frank broke the silence, "Why do you drink so much?"
That startled me a bit, and I wasn't quite sure how to respond. I thought about denying it but immediately pushed that thought aside because of how stupid it was.
"Because it helps me." I said slowly, blinking as I spoke.
"But how though? I mean, doesn't it make it all worse?" Frank asked.
"No, well yeah, but it's not like that though. It’s all in my head and I can’t get away, I can’t get away because I can never silence them, there’s nowhere to hide. Alcohol stops me thinking straight and to me it helps.” I stumbled over my words, I wanted to tell him everything but even the thought of it made me feel vulnerable, plus it was just so hard to explain.
“Oh,” He replied, “well, you know, if you ever wanna talk about it then I’m, you know, I’m right here for you.”
I smiled weakly at him and received a small smile in return, we then sat silently and stared at the concrete slabs again.
I wish I wasn’t so fucked up. I’d give anything to not be like this, although when I say that I don’t know if I mean ‘I’d give anything to not have these kind of thoughts’ or ‘I’d give anything to be the way I wanted so I didn’t need to think like this’.
I sighed and pulled my knees closer to my chest, I wanted to be friends with Frank, definitely I did. But I couldn’t be with him without thinking he deserved better and hating myself for being the way I was. The fuzzy warm of the alcohol was beginning to set in and I was finding it harder and harder to keep my thoughts in order, although the alcohol stopped the negative thoughts, it also stopped all the thought processes I needed in order to get through the school day. Ah well, no pain no gain. I found myself wishing that I still had some left, but also at the same time I was regretting drinking it in the first place. I absentmindedly raised my arm to point at the broken glass but let it fall quickly again.
“Gerard?” Frank queried, “What’s up? Do you want something?”
“M’okay.” I replied almost inaudibly as I nuzzled my head against his shoulder. I had no control over what I was doing but it still surprised me through my drunken state.
“Gerard, what are you doing?” Frank turned his head and sounded like he was trying not to laugh.
“Sleeping.” I slurred back as I laid my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes, a smile upon my face.
Frank giggled but didn’t say anything, he just raised his hand awkwardly and patted me gently on the head. I
I must have drifted off because I was awoken what seemed like seconds later by Frank gently shaking me.
“Whadoyawant?” I responded groggily as I pushed my matted and greasy hair out of my face.
“Gerard we need to go,” Frank smiled at me, making my heart jump slightly, “I was just gonna let you sleep and skip class but it’s art so I thought we should go.”
“Ahh. Yeah.” I replied distantly as I stared through the hazel brought on by the alcohol and sleep.
“Um, Gerard?” Frank asked shyly.
“Yas?” I ventured cautiously for him to continue.
“I think it’d be a good idea if you had another polo mint.” He laughed and I blushed, whilst I was concentrating on getting them out of my pocket he emptied a bottle of water over head, face and neck.
“Fuck mate!” I exclaimed but I could see why he’d done it, I was now more aware of what was happening and felt like I could now string enough words together to make a sentence.
“Lookin’ good man.” Frank laughed and accepted a polo from the packet I offered him.
We were still laughing as we made our way up the stairs and into the art room, we were late but Mr Barnes didn’t seem to mind, he just let us get into our seats before continuing to explain the techniques he was teaching.
I was ready to get settled into my zone of art but Frank tapping my shoulder distracted me.
“Gee?”
“Yeah?” I liked what he had just called me, it was better than anything else I’d heard in ages.
“Could you teach me how to draw please? I’d really like to know but I’m not very good at it.” Frank’s face was slightly pink as he whispered and I smiled in return.
“Sure, I’d love to!” I replied and Frank’ face split into a small smile.
“Thank you.” He replied and I started immediately.
By the end of the lesson Frank had successfully drawn a cartoon Batman, it wasn’t perfect of course but it was recognisable and Frank was beyond pleased. I felt proud of him too, because he’d tried really hard with it and he had something to show for his work. That kind of thing made me very happy, knowing that I was able to help someone produce something that made them happy.
Just before the bell rung I grabbed the drawing out of his hands and flipped it over, scribbling something in pencil on the back.
“Hey hey hey! What are you doing? Give it back!” Frank cried and I laughed.
“I’m writing our names and the date on it.” I laughed before scribbling some more, “And now you have my phone number!”
“Aww jeez, thanks, what would I want your phone number for?” He mumbled but his eyes were shining and he started laughing immediately afterwards.
“Sorry, it’s my house number, I don’t have a mobile see?” I explained and Frank laughed.
“Nah, don’t worry about it.” He replied and we both left the class, waving goodbye to Mr Barnes as we left, him flashing us a quick smile.
We parted ways then met for lunch in the café, the bullies were staring at us but they just left us be, much to our enjoyment.
I wasn’t hungry but I did eat a little bit, talking with Frank about various unimportant things which made lunch fly by.
I was reasonably happy throughout the day and when I was walking home, but when I got back and I was standing before my mirror in my underwear my thoughts completely changed.
I was a mess; scars everywhere, bones exposed, pale skin where the bruises weren’t covering it, burns and stains all the way up my arms, sunken eyes, shaky limbs, pale tight lips, greasy black hair. If I was able to see inside my head I was sure it’d be even uglier, I shuddered at the thought.
No.
I can’t be friends with Frank, I don’t deserve him. He can do so much better. To be honest I’m probably holding him back, he could go far in the world but not if he’s stuck with me.
There’s a reason I isolate myself and I’m straying from it, as I look in the mirror it all floods back and I scream at myself in my head. I’m not good enough, I should just be left to die.
Maybe I should just go for it and end it all now.
Maybe I will.

Notes

Hope it's all right guys c:
Feedback is much appreciated ^.^