You're Beautiful, To Me

I walked away from him and headed for home, my head spinning slightly. The walk back seemed shorter than it had this morning, even without the alcohol or my music.
I entered the house and made my way upstairs to my room where I threw my bag on the floor and made a beeline for my bed, where I could see my iPod lying on it. I plugged it into my speaker and began to play Bon Jovi, feeling the bass vibrate through the floor and enjoying the thrill of it. I sat on my bed and reached out for my bag, I wanted to keep working on my Morrissey drawing so I could show it to Mr Barnes tomorrow. However when I opened my bag it wasn't there, I cursed when I remembered I'd left it on the table in the art room.
I sat on my bed for the next half an hour, singing along with my music and thinking about nothing when I heard footsteps on the stairs outside my room. I was worried it was someone wanting to talk to me so I darted into the bathroom in the corner of my room and switched on the shower, locking the door behind me.
I began stripping off and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I stopped and turned to look. My reflection gazed back at me through the glass that was beginning to steam from the warmth of the shower.
God I was hideous.
"Yuck." I muttered under my breath, "Yuck as Fuck."
I saw myself glaring back out, half naked with dark hair and sunken eyes, and despite myself I laughed harshly.
I suddenly came to myself and shut up abruptly, I then continued undressing and opened the door to the shower, taking a breath before stepping under the satisfyingly warm jet.
I sighed as the hot water teased through my greasy black hair and formed a moving skin over my face. I could see just about see through the steamed up glass over to the steamed up mirror, I looked pale and ghostlike with my eyeliner streaming down my cheeks. I looked like I was crying, which was ironic in fact because this was the first time in I don't know how long that I've gotten into the shower without tears streaking my face.
I shampooed my head then washed it off, distantly tugging at my black hair. After I'd finished I stared down at my body, uncomfortable thoughts forming in my mind.
Lots of boys at my school rave about how good it is to masturbate in the shower, but I've never tried it. In fact, to be honest I haven't tried it at all. I don't know why, I guess it's just I've been so unhappy I've never felt the need to do it. I've never even thought about it like that before but now that I have it makes me uncomfortable. I pushed it away and turned the temperature of the water up even higher.
I tried to think about my current statistics but I was rudely interrupted by my mum pounding against the bathroom door.
"You've been in there for ages, come out right now!" She shouted, I remembered that I hadn't locked my bedroom door, only my bathroom one.
My heart sped up as I realised that I'd left my notebook on my bed earlier today, what is she read it when she was in my room?
She continued banging at the door for a few minutes before pausing.
"Gerard, honey, could you come out soon please?" She asked in a kinder and calmer voice.
"Yes, mum." I shouted back and held my breath until I'd heard my bedroom door click shut.
What had I been thinking about? Oh yes, I've not drunk since break time today, well that's nothing to boast about. On a slightly but not by much cheerier note, I'm two days clean, yeah hardly clean at all. I felt a little shocked when I realised that I hadn't eaten for two days but it was short lived before my mind wandered again.
I turned up the shower temperature even higher and thought about art. I'd have to go get my drawing first thing tomorrow I decided, then it wouldn't be ruined by any class that was in before our class was.
I then thought of Frank, and what we'd spoken about. He seemed like a really nice guy, no he was definitely a really nice guy, and he liked the same music as I did. Perhaps I'd actually make a friend and keep them for once, for the first time it seemed possible that I could manage.
My mind kept drifting back to when he'd said I was nice and he liked me, to how I'd just stared at him and admired his eyes. I closed my eyes and pictured him at that moment, more focused on his eyes than anything else. I swear I'll be dreaming about that shade of green for the next week or longer! I found myself thinking about how I could make that colour, which paints I'd mix to create it.
I couldn't stop thinking about him, a voice from the depths of my subconscious spoke to me, whispering that I should be worried that he was on my mind so much. But I didn't hear it properly; I was only pleased because I had a friend, a new experience for me. I was expected to obsess and become excited for at least the first little while.
I suddenly snapped back to myself and realised I'd been staring dreamily into space. I decided I should get out of the shower seeing as I'd been in it for more than an hour so I switched it off.
I towelled my hair dry and threw some casual clothes on, black of course. I didn't bother to apply any makeup but just opened the door and stepped out of the steamy bathroom, grimacing as the cooler air from my bedroom reached me.
I spent the next hour writing about Frank in my journal and only stopped because my mum asked me if I wanted to eat. I decided I should because I hadn't eaten for ages and also because I was in a reasonable mood. I didn't speak to my family though, I sat in silence as I ate and as soon as I'd finished I returned to my room to write more in my journal before I collapsed in my bed, ready to sleep.
The last thing I remembered seeing in the dark was a sea of green with darker and lighter flecks of the same shade, the same colours as the eyes I'd even staring into only that afternoon.

Notes

Back to Gee noww!! ^.^
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