You're Beautiful, To Me

I'd hung around for about twenty minutes before miserably trudging home after school, thinking about Gerard as usual. I worried about him, more than I really should have done to be honest. He was my best friend and I obviously didn't want anything to happen to him, but to feel anxious about him every moment of the day that we weren't together was maybe a little too clingy? I didn't care though, I couldn't help myself - I worried.
Gerard seemed to have some problems, lots of people do have various problems but Gerard seemed to have some serious ones. He'd told me that he had a very negative outlook on life, that was the reason he'd given me for why he drunk so much. But I suspected that was only a little part of the truth.
I had a suspicion that Gerard was depressed, he rarely seemed to have motivation and often appeared as empty and emotionally drained. I also knew he was anxious, he flinched sometimes when I touched him and his breathing hitched when we were in the busy halls at school.
But I was mostly worried for his sanity, he had no confidence and let people walk all over him. He refused to stand up for himself and just took all the insults and injuries that came his way, and to be totally honest it broke my heart. It broke my heart to see him cry because he couldn't bring himself to tell people to show him the respect he really deserved, and it broke my heart even more when he tried to take his mind off of it by drinking.
He didn't seem to care for himself at all, he was so dismissive and would be so indifferent about his health. He regularly missed meals and drank way too much for any teenager, let alone on an empty stomach. He just shrugged it off, saying he was already fucked up anyway and why should a little more fucking up do any harm. I'd tried everything, even trying to scare him out of it by telling him it could kill him, but he was always quick to remind me that 100% of people who don't drink alcohol die too.
Gerard was so unpredictable too, he was lovely but he lashed out without warning and I had to be careful. Sometimes he'd talk to me, sometimes even have a laugh, but more often than not he gave me one word answers and was hard to hold a conversation with.
I wanted to stop worrying about Gerard but I just couldn't, the thought was always at the back of mind 'what if he went too far?' and it scared me. He loathed himself and blamed every problem on himself, even if he made a little insignificant mistake, such as talking over me slightly just as I began to speak, he became distressed and began to slag himself off much to my anguish. I wanted to help him but I really didn't know how to, or where to start.
My beautiful best friend didn't seem to think that he deserved happiness, and that broke my heart most of all.
I sighed as I paused outside my house before opening the door, however I had only just walked through it and was about to open the door from the porch into the hall when I froze because I heard a familiar sound that I'd come to dread.
The sound was of breaking glass, followed by a muffled scream. My eyes widened and I muttered a string of swear words under my breath, I'd been so wrapped up thinking about Gerard that I'd forgotten my dad would be awake.
I didn't know what to do, I wished I had the courage to go in and take on my dad, beat the shit out of him and kick him out of the house. But I wasn't strong enough and I knew it. I was contemplating running back the way I'd come and staying out for a few more hours but my thoughts were interrupted by a loud male voice yelling from within the house.
"GET THE GODDAMN DOOR WOULD YOU?! DON'T JUST LIE THERE WOMAN!!"
I panicked, if they knew I was there then they'd see me before I'd reached the end of the street, even if I ran as fast as I could. If I stayed then my mum would answer the door to find me standing there and she'd have to answer my dad's questions by telling him that his son whom he'd forgotten even existed had just returned from school.
"I'LL GET IT MYSELF, YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS AREN'T YOU?! I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT UP WITH YOU!"
I seethed with anger, but I didn't have time to dwell on it because I heard my fathers heavy footsteps coming closer to the door in front of me. I was trapped in the porch between the outside world and my own house and I couldn't get out now. The footsteps stopped and my heart was in my mouth, beating much faster than was healthy. There was a loud thump of the other side of the door and I held my breath as I waited for the door to open.
When it finally did, it wasn't wrenched open like I'd expected it would be, instead it was cautiously opened a very small about and my mothers anxious face looked out at me.
"Frank?" She asked as she recognised me, opening the door a little further, "you're back earlier than usual, aren't you?"
"I bit I guess." I replied shakily as I entered the house, my mother was trying to act strong and normal for me but I could tell she was afraid and in pain.
"He passed out," She explained as my eyes fixed upon the the lump of my dads body lying a few meters from the door in the dimly lit hall, "too much alcohol. Just in time too really or he would have seen you."
We crept past him and into the kitchen where my mum turned on the lights as I shut the door. Now that I could see her, she looked dreadful. Her forehead was bleeding and her neck was bruised, I felt my anger rise again. What right did my dad have to treat someone like this? My mother was an absolutely lovely person, she deserved so much better than him.
"Why do you-" I began angrily but immediately stopped when her sad and fearful eyes made contact with mine.
She sighed sadly and looked downwards before whispering, "You know why."
We both knew that the reason she stayed with him was because of the money, my dad owned a manufacturing company and kept a large turn of the profits. Luckily for him, being the owner didn't mean he had to do anything because the company manager managed all the company's affairs for him, leaving my dad free to spend his life at home drinking. My mum had no job, and without my dad she wouldn't be able to provide for both of us, without my dad we'd both be out on the streets. I understood the situation, but that didn't mean that I liked it.
I helped my mum wash clothes, then began to prepare a meal for us whilst she continued sorting out laundry. She asked me about school as we did that, for her sake I tried to sound upbeat. There was enough going on in her life for her to worry about, I didn't want her stressing about my life too.
"Somebody phoned for you earlier, by the way. Only about 10 minutes before you arrived back." She said as I chopped carrots.
"Did they say who?" I asked, scraping the carrots into a pan and adding oil.
"Someone called Gerard," she told me, "he said he'd phoned to speak to you but I said you weren't gone yet."
"Oh." I said, turning to look at her, not sure how I felt about that.
"He asked me to tell you he was sorry." She continued as I finished peeling and began to chop an onion, "Is he a friend of yours?"
"Yeah," I said distractedly, talking about Gerard made me feel sad and pained although I wasn't sure why, "I think you'd like him, he's lovely."
My mum smiled as she came over, she winced as she walked but I tried to ignore it. "I'm sure he's wonderful, I'm glad you're making friends here."
"Oh, he is wonderful." I said quietly as she added the onion into the pan.
"He will be, if you're friends with him. Hopefully I'll be able to meet him someday." She said, with a small sad smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.
"Yeah, hopefully." I responded rather wistfully. It likely wouldn't be possible because of my dad, and also I didn't think I'd be able to bring Gerard home because it'd upset my mum if he was drunk.
My mum gave me a small, light hug but the both of us froze suddenly as a grunt came from the hall.
"I think you should go upstairs, Frank." My mum whispered, "Just in case he wakes up and finds you here."
I nodded, hating myself as I did so. I wanted to help her, but we both knew it'd be pointless.
I scraped some of the vegetables from the pan into a bowl and kissed my mum on the cheek before going up to my room. I ate my meal peacefully and was considering playing my guitar when the noise started. Instead I put my earphones in and turned my music up loud, trying to concentrate on anything other than my father's gruff voice and cruel laugh, or my poor mothers yelps.
But the loud music didn't quite block them out and instead I sat curled up in the corner of my room with my knees touching to my chest and my music blaring, hating myself for being so weak, pathetic and useless, and trying and failing to stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

Notes

Long time no update! I'm really sorry - I stopped writing all those months ago because I felt I needed to concentrate on my school work in order to pass exams, but I really should have told you instead of just disappearing - I am honestly so so sorry! My exams are just about over so I'm back now and I hope to begin updating this as well as my other fics more regularly:)
Thank you so much for sticking with me, feel free to comment raging at me for leaving and I hope you enjoy this chapter<3