The Human Stain

I sigh and roll my eyes at myself in the mirror; dear God I look like an idiot. I make what seems to be the billionth attempt to get my bowtie straight, but I just can’t seem to make it sit straight! I’m guessing I’m having the most difficulty with this because today is the day of the dance, and I’m not even close to being ready to face anyone. Let alone those disgusting perverted stares…I just can’t! I shiver at a sudden cold draft in the room and finally give up on trying to get this horrid choking device to appear as if it is an actual article of clothing, rather than a medieval torturing device. I really do not like bowties.

I stare around the room and look at the sparseness and grimness of it all. I truly do have a sad existence. I know I could do so much worse, like I might not even own a mirror in which to see myself. I could’ve gone my whole life without knowing what I looked like. I could also have had a Master that beat me everyday, or would just kill me if I did anything wrong--not that I don’t run that risk.

I might have grown up in The Pits which are deep holes out in the wilderness where humans mine minerals and jewels day and night. If you’re sent to The Pits you die in The Pits. No one gets out, no one is sold, no one will survive. I realize I have been biting my lip so hard that I have drawn blood--I wipe it away.

I head down to the kitchen to have Marlene help me with my bowtie as she normally does. She always laughs at me and my inability to tie them, but she is always very kind and shows me how to do every time. After Marlene helps me straighten out the damned thing I head into the ballroom and begin to set up the final preparations of the dance. The preparations go much faster than I wanted them to. If possible I would prepare forever, but I can never be prepared enough. Never.

I head to the kitchen to get the platters that I have to carry from Marlene and also to get a moment of peace before the cacophonous chaos begins.

“Are you ready?” Marlene asks knowing exactly what my answer is.

“You know I never am,” I say smiling grimly at her and picking up a plate of horderves and then turn back to her just as I‘m about to head out into the ballroom, “I’ll be fine though.”

Too soon…too soon people from all over begin to pour into the room after being announced at the door. Ladies and gentlemen in beautiful gowns, strewn with pearls, trimmed with lace, and adorned with ribbon. They are escorted by woman and men in fine silken suits, with varying colors of handkerchiefs in their breast pockets, and each with a different corsage tucked in with that kerchief.

I walk among them all attempting to be invisible. Attempting to disappear utterly from existence on this wretched planet. Attempt all I can do is attempt. Yet I still feel their stares upon me. Feel them whisper to their partners as they drink their wine and eat their horderves. Feel them gently trace their hand against mine on the plate making it appear accidental, but I know it’s not. Maybe I’m just paranoid, but it’s not a bad thing to be paranoid in a world such as mine.

I go about the room, weaving, dodging, balancing, avoiding. I feel as if I’m dancing with myself. That thought makes me smile secretly and blush slightly. I notice that I’m beginning to run out of food and drinks on my platters and head into the kitchen to fill them up again. I’m not in there for very long. I can’t be. Master Grievence is very strict during the Season. Everyone must be everywhere at every time in every place--no excuses. I take a deep breath and step back into the raucousness of the party. There are so many people here, and I’m beginning to feel a bit claustrophobic, but its not as if I can do anything about it.

The music ends as I’m skirting the edge of the room and I begin to provide refreshments to those who have just retired from dancing. As I pass by the head of the room a servant named Joseph runs up to me and whispers in my ear. I’ve been summoned by Master Grivence and I’m to go at once. I nod at Joseph and hand off my platters to him and advance towards where the Master is.

I bow and kneel onto one knee, “You wished to see me Master,” I say quietly and politely just as I am taught to do.

“Rise.” Master Grievence commands and I do so quickly making sure to keep my eyes lowered.
I can hear the sneer in his voice as he begins to speak, “Well Gerard it appears you have acquired quite a few admirers.”

I say nothing and all I do is nod at his statement. Oh dear Lord who may or may not exist; please, please, don’t let me have been sold. Oh dear unsmiling God please.

“Well I’ve known about this for quite a while and well…” He trails off, “It seems that one of them has finally broken me down. I’ve sold you.”

I feel my blood freeze in my veins, my brain begin to spiral into confusion, my body begin to lose motor function, and before I can even think about what I’m doing I burst out, “What!?”

Everyone in the room freezes and stares at me and Master Grievence to see what he will do. I see Grievence’s shadow loom over me, “What did you say you spineless mary!” he yells and pulls out a whip from his suit jacket and begins to lash me repeatedly. I say nothing and squeeze my eyes shut. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I repeat in my mind with each flog, I’m so stupid. How could I do that! I’m such an idiot. I fight to stop the sobs from creeping out of my throat.

Finally I feel the whip stop beating me and I vaguely hear in the background Master Grievence apologizing for my behavior. I guess I can’t call Grievence my master anymore, seeing as I now have new one. My breathing is shallow and I feel the blood drip down my back seemingly in rivers. I can’t believe it. My worst nightmare is coming true. I’ve been sold.

Notes