Love Me Dead

It had been several weeks since my confession to Gerard and I just didn’t know what to do with myself. A part of me regretted ever even saying it, but a part of me of happy to finally admit to it. I hadn’t heard a word from him since, which only confirmed what I already knew; he didn’t feel the same way about me. And that really sucked.

Because of that, I had alienated myself even further from my friends. None of them spoke to me anymore, and if we ever passed each other, we passed as strangers, not even acknowledging each other. As awful as it was, I didn’t care. I considered Gerard, Mikey and Frank as my friends – our friendship only stronger by the fact that my family and the Way’s family were connected through tragedy.

However, with my 18th birthday only a month away, I wanted to make some sort of effort with the remaining people in my life. Things were still extremely tense between myself and my parents. I hadn’t told them that I knew everything, and they hadn’t made any effort to return to normal. Again, I felt myself not caring. My feelings for Gerard had completely overpowered anything else; I needed to know how he felt… Sadly, it wasn’t just that Gerard hadn’t contacted me… any call I made to him remained unreturned.

I’d be lying if I had I hadn’t cried myself to sleep a few times. I felt like a stupid little girl for feeling this way; for letting some guy affect me this way. But since starting school in New Jersey, my life became an emotional roller-coaster, so I just went along with it.

.

I had very recently got a job local bookstore. I didn’t need it. My parents paid for everything for me, and gave me some money whenever I needed it, but I felt that I needed some independence. I felt like I could no longer accept money from them, or wanted anything from them. I’m not quite sure they’ve even noticed.

It’s not a lot of money, but I’m saving every penny I can. I wanted to buy my own car (used, of course). Just last week, I had been offered a scholarship for a great college in California that I was so excited about, so saving money was easier knowing I was looking for a place in the city. And with the scholarship it was even easier not to take any tuition money my parents had saved. It felt as though things (forgetting the Gerard situation for a moment) were finally coming together in a way.

The job definitely gave me time to myself – away from school, away from home. I liked it, and the people I worked with were nice.

It was on a Saturday afternoon when I was working that I thought things were about to change. It had been a long couple of hours when a young girl came up to me to buy a book. I smiled sweetly, as always and ran it through, “That’ll be $8.99, please.” I smiled again as I took her money and quickly glanced out of the window to see a familiar figure walking past – shoulder length dark hair, dark clothes… was it…?

Without giving the girl her change back, I ran out the door, “Gerard!” My heart was in my throat, my hands were shaking. He was back?

The figure turned around when I realized… he was too tall and far too thin to be Gerard. However, I wasn’t far off, “Oh, Mikey. Sorry, I thought you were your brother.” I tried to laugh off my mistake, but inside my heart dropped, feeling disappointed.

The way Mikey looked at me told me he could sense it, but didn’t bring it up. He instead engulfed me in a hug, “Hey Sam! I didn’t know you worked here. How have you been?”

We exchanged small talk as he followed me back into the store. I quickly apologized to the girl and gave her the change for her book. With there being no other customers, Mikey and I were free to talk. He told me about his time away with Gerard and Frank and how they travelled a lot of the West Coast and how great it all was. I was excited to hear all about it… but it was something I wanted to hear more from Gerard. This is the sort of thing we’d sit on his bed with coffee for, and I hated that we weren’t doing that.

“Sam, are sure you’re okay?” Mikey asked after finishing his stories. By the way he was telling them, it sounded as though Gerard had a great time, which was the important thing.

I tried to shrug it off, but I had to ask, “Yeah, I’m fine, just… Mikey, is Gerard back too?”

Mikey looked down at a tattered book, nervously picking at one of the pages. He sighed, “No Sam. He’s still out there. He wanted some time to himself. I don’t know when he’ll be back.”

.

I aggressively cut through the pizza in front of me, which was piping hot as I had taken it out of the oven and went upstairs to my bedroom. I put some music on quietly, as the house was too silent.

I had kept myself together the rest of the day and I had more pleasant conversations with Mikey and then also with Frank who stopped by. We hung out together for a while after I finished work, but eventually I had to pull myself away from them to think about things on my own, which I wasn’t looking forward to.

I took one bite of my pizza then discarded the whole thing to one side. I felt too sick to eat. I couldn’t stop thinking about Gerard; how could he do this to me? How could he just forget about me after confessing my feelings to him? How could he not come back with his brother? They had been away together for weeks and now he was out there on his own?

The tears ran down my face quickly as I realized how stupid I was for even saying anything, for realizing much of an asshole Gerard still was, despite me thinking he had changed… and for realizing that, maybe, Gerard wasn’t going to come home at all.

Notes

You're surprised I've finally updated, right?
I am deeply sorry. As well as being busy, it's been really hard to write this story for a long time, but don't worry, this story WILL be finished eventually. I think my spark of it is back. I will try to get the next one out by next week, but I can't promise anything.
Thank you all so much for sticking with this, I love you all!