My heart thudded against my ribcage as I looked at the door, Dr Fields silent on the other side. “Do you mean it Frank?” He asked, his voice filled with concern.
“Yeah.” I sighed, knowing the lie would tear everyone apart.
“Can I open the door now Frank?”
“Yeah.” I grunted as I wrapped my arms around my knees and tugged them to my chest.

“Frank?” Dr Fields asked, his face filled with worry when I looked up, my pale and blotchy face tear streaked and gaunt. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t care about him. I can’t care about him.” I whispered, burying my face in my knees.
“Why not Frank?”
“Because he wants what everyone else wanted.” I explained, fighting the words past the lump forming in my throat.
“How do you know? Have you asked him?” I shook my head and staggered to my feet, stumbling towards the door on wobbly legs. “Where are you going?”
“For a walk.” I replied, heading towards the staircase.

---

“Frank?” Gerard called as I pushed past him, his words falling on deaf ears as I walked to my sanctuary.

I could hear him trying to follow me, but I knew that he wouldn’t get too close, that he would give me space to breath. My breath misted in the cold air, my arms wrapped tight around my chest as I walked through the building, towards the very top, the room with no walls, the place where I could stare out across the grounds and disappear.

My footsteps echoed on the stone floor as I stumbled up the steps, birds singing in the waning light, my breath coming in gasps as the cold shook me to my core. Tears stung my cheeks as the fled from my eyes, the slow thud of my heart showing the world the emotions I chose never to reveal to anyone.

I watched as the stars appeared in the sky one by one, tiny specks of light in a dark and hopeless world, a place I didn’t want to be.

“I’m sober.” I whispered as footsteps approached me, hesitating in the doorway. “I promise.”
“Good.” Gerard muttered in reply.
“I’m sorry for punching you. I didn’t know it was you and I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Frank, don’t. Don’t apologise to me.” He breathed against my ear, his footsteps silent as he backed away again.
“I have to apologise though.” I turned to face him. “Dr Fields was trying to get me to admit to him how I feel, but I know how I feel.”
“Then tell me.” Gerard asked. “Tell me how you feel.”

“This, us… I want it, but it won’t work Gerard, not now, not ever.”
“Why?” He asked as he stepped closer again, his hands outstretched, reaching towards mine which were still hanging limply by my side.
“Because it won’t Gerard. I can’t give you what you deserve. What will you get out of this? A shell, that’s what. That is all you’ll ever get. I won’t be able to let you touch me, I won’t be able to make love. I’ll never be able to do any of that.” I took a deep breath, fighting to get the words past the lump I had formed as a barrier. “I won’t be able to be the boyfriend that you want Gerard. You want someone happy and someone who can smile without it being fake. I’m not that Gerard. I’m fighting to die. I’m fighting to disappear forever. I don’t want to be here and I’ll do anything it takes to leave. I’ll take whatever route I need to to do that. I’ll find a way Gerard and even my love for you won’t stop that. I’m sorry Gerard. I really am.”

“Frank?” Gerard’s voice was filled with pain, his eyes filling with unshed tears.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered as I let go of his hands and stepped back, my arms spiralling as I reached the edge of the floor.
“Frank, listen to me before you do anything stupid.” Gerard pleaded. “Trust me okay? Trust me.” I hesitated, my heart thumping as I thought of the yawning expanse behind me, before nodding slightly, tilting my chin towards the stars as my eyes scanned for my favourite constellation. “I’ll never let you get hurt. I’ll never let you feel like you’re worthless or that no-one out there loves you because they do, you just need to find them. There are people out there that will do anything to be near you because you make them happy but you haven’t found them yet. I’ll do anything for you Frank. I’ll do anything to make you smile because I know how much it hurts to have no-one.” He took a deep breath before carrying on, his eyes filled with tears. “Frank, I love you okay? I’ll help you fight past everything that’s hurting you if you let me. I’ll help you do whatever it is that you want Frank, just let me love you?”

I stared at Gerard, a lump forming in the back of my throat. Stepping forwards, I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked expectantly up at Gerard. “If you let me love you back?” I asked, holding a hand out towards him.
“Of course I will Frank. I’ll always let you love me.” He grinned, stepping closer to me. “Can I kiss you?”

I didn’t respond, my heart thudding in my chest. Gerard looked at me patiently, waiting for me to make up my mind. After my heart had calmed down, I closed my eyes and nodded, trying hard to untense my muscles as Gerard closed the gap between us.

He gently placed a hand behind my neck, tilting my face to meet his, his lips brushing hesitantly over mine, a sense of urgency taking over. I wrapped my arms around Gerard’s neck and pressed my chest to his, our hearts thudding in sync.

“Fuck.” I muttered as I stepped back, my breathing ragged as I looked at Gerard.
“I’m sorry Frank.” Gerard said, panic etched on his face. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean… oh god Frank, please don’t…”

He lunged forwards as I lost my footing, my arms spiralling as I fell backwards. “I’ve got you Frank.” He cried as my body swung towards the building. “I’m not letting go Frank.”
“You have to Gerard.” I sobbed. “Don’t you see? This is how it’s meant to be. You’re meant to let go and move on and be there for your brother when he wakes up. I’m meant to hit the floor now and that’s how it’ll stay Gerard.”
“Please don’t!” He yelled, tightening his grip on my wrist. “Fuck Frank, you made me talk again. Do you know how many people have tried and failed to get me to talk? You can’t just leave me.”
“I can’t hold on Gerard. My arm, it hurts…” I whispered, stomach acid burning the back of my throat.
“I’m not letting go.” Promised Gerard as he pulled harder and harder, my stomach sliding over the edge of the building.

“I’ve got you.” Gerard muttered into my ear as he cradled me to his chest.
“You know I’m scared of heights?” I whispered as I leant into the embrace. “I’m also afraid of getting close to someone who cares about me as much as I do. That’s why you’re gonna walk back to the safe part of the building like nothing happened and then you’re gonna act like I haven’t just told you I’d die for you.”
“You’d die for me?” Gerard asked, his eyes wide.
“Yeah, I guess I would. But you can’t ever act like I care about you outside now okay? You have to understand that I can’t care for you because I’ll hurt you and if I hurt you, I’ll be hurting myself and I can’t drop back to that again, okay?”
“I love you Frank.” Gerard muttered, pressing a kiss to my cheek before standing up and throwing a longing look over his shoulder.
“I love you way more than I’ll ever admit.” I muttered as he left.

Notes

Hi!!

Guess what?

I'm back!!

I apologize for being gone for so long but a hell of a lot has happened and I guess I just needed to take some space. As you can probably tell, this chapter doesn't seem to be up to my normal quality and is nowhere near as long but I guess it's good as a start up chapter as I begin again.

Anyway, I guess I thought it would be right for me to let you know why I was gone so long, so don't read any further if you have triggers to self harm, but I think you all have a right to know.

Well, I can't remember if I told any of you, but my best friend killed himself, which was the main reason for the mini hiatus, but then things got really tough. I stopped eating and sleeping and I started becoming more and more depressed. I refused to tell anyone because I didn't want my dad to be ashamed and this one guy that I talk to all the time tried to help me through it but even he didn't know how bad it was. I was cutting frequently and I was becoming weak. I struggled to get out of bed when I did sleep and when I did get out of bed, I had no motivation to do anything.

I started thinking I was better off dead. My step-mum found out and she told me that I didn't have to worry about them being ashamed because they would help me through anything, they just wished they'd known how bad things were.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm glad that I'm still here, even though I've lost my best friend, but also that I'm here for you guys too. That's all that matters right?