Warm breath on the back of my neck woke me up, my heart pounding as I rolled away from the source. I held in a scream when I saw Gerard in my bed, his hair messed up and his eyes closed, asleep.

“What the fuck?” I hissed as I climbed from my bed and looked down at my body. Thank God I’m still dressed. I thought as I stood staring at my bed, unsure of what to do.
“Frankie?” Gerard asked, his breathing still slow, his eyes still closed.
“Yeah?” I muttered, unsure if he was actually awake. When I got no reply I grabbed some clothes from my drawers and ran towards the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me.

Silent sobs escaped me as I leant against the door, my head hanging, my heart thumping. I went dizzy as I straightened out, my hand reaching for the dials that controlled for the water temperature. Once the cold water was all the way off, I stood under the scalding stream and grabbed the nearest soap, lathering it up and scrubbing my skin, wincing as I tore at the flesh.

“Get off me!” I snapped as I tore away the memory of Gerard’s touch, the way he wrapped his arms around me and held me close, the way he vowed to protect me, the way he made me shiver with pleasure.

When I pulled my nails away from my skin, trickles of blood followed, the soap stinging the fresh wounds, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. “I’m dirty. I’ll never be clean. I’ll always be a toy.” I muttered as I dried myself off, pushing the blood stained towel to the bottom of the linen basket. “I’m never going to be good enough.”

“Frank, you’ve been in there half an hour, I need to use the bathroom!” Bob screamed from the other side of the door. “Hurry up!”
“Don’t rush me.” I sneered.
“Get out of there.” He whimpered, his voice sounding desperate.
“Fine.” I snapped as I tugged the door open, Bob’s jaw dropping as he realised I was naked. “See what happens when you rush me?”
“Uh…get dressed?” He begged as he turned and fled.

When I had my skinny jeans on, I left the room and walked towards my bedroom, my breath hitching in my throat when I saw Gerard’s half awake face staring at me through the gloom. “Last night never happened.” I hissed as I slammed the door shut and carried on getting changed, my cheeks flushing when I felt Gerard’s eyes on my back. “Because I swear to God, if you tell anyone, I will wring your neck until your eyes burst out of your skull.
“Why?” He asked groggily, running his fingers through his hair.
“Does it matter why?” I snapped as I grabbed my eyeliner and tugged the cap off of it.
“A little.” He yawned, my bedcovers rustling as he sat up, exposing his chest.
“Are you really that desperate to know?” I sneered as I turned around, my eyes widening at the muscles that were usually hidden beneath shirts. Gerard nodded. “Why does it bother you so much? I asked you to give me a hug. That was it. We didn’t exactly fuck.” I ranted, a lump forming in my throat.
“Frank, tell me, please?” He pleaded, yawning as he stretched out his back.

I sighed as I tried to think up a reason why he couldn’t tell anyone, because if I told him the truth, then he would want more, and I would never be able to give more. “Because…” I began, faltering when I realised that none of the lies I had thought up were believable. “Because I enjoyed it.” I muttered, my voice so low I couldn’t be sure he heard it. “Because it felt good to be held close and I felt safe. Because you’re warm and you’re strong and you make me feel happy.”

I slapped my hand over my mouth when I realised how much I had admitted, grateful that I hadn’t told him what else it made me feel.

“Frank…” Gerard whispered as he climbed from my bed, his pajama pants hanging dangerously low on his hips. “Why are you crying?”
“I’m not.” I snapped as I turned to face the window, anything to distract myself from the shrinking distance between us.
“You are.” He muttered as he reached his thumb up, the pad brushing my cheek slowly before he pulled it away, a tear drop nestling in the crease.

“Fuck off.” I snapped as I pushed him away, my breath hitching. “Don’t fucking touch me. I swear to God if you take one step closer I’ll scream.” I hissed, fighting to keep my balled up fists by my side.
“Frank…” Gerard said, his hands raised in surrender. “I won’t come any closer, just tell me why you are crying.” He pleaded.
“Because I… it doesn’t… I’m… it…” I stuttered, unable to form a complete sentence. “Fuck off.” I snapped as I threw myself onto my bed, burying my face in my pillows so he couldn’t see me cry.

Gerard sighed softly before pulling on a t-shirt and padding towards the door. “I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” He whispered before tugging the door closed.

---

“Frank?” Brian asked, his voice clouded with worry as he leant against the edge of my bed. “Frank, look at me.”
“No.” I groaned into the pillows, wincing when my back tensed.
“Frank, please look at me.” Brian pleaded.
“No.” I groaned more forcefully.
“Then tell me where the hell all of this blood has come from.”
“Where do you think?” I snapped as I rolled to face Gerard’s bed, the straightened out sheets reminding me of last night.
“You haven’t…?” He asked, knowing he didn’t need to finish the question.
“Not on purpose.” I replied, still refusing to meet his eye.
“Good.” He muttered as he climbed to his feet, lingering for a second longer before sighing and leaving the room.

---

I scrunched my eyes tighter as the light was flicked on, Gerard’s familiar scent filling the room, accompanied by another smell, an unfamiliar smell.

“I bought you dinner.” He whispered as he set the tray on my desk. “We ate ages ago, but I thought you might be hungry so I made you something.”
“Thanks.” I grunted as I squinted my eyes, looking at the worry carved into Gerard’s face.
“You know it’s been three days?” Gerard sighed. “You’ve not eaten for three days.”
“I don’t wanna.” I replied, like the previous times he has brought me something to eat or drink.

“Frank, please. You’re starting to worry me.” Gerard pleaded, his back leaning against the desk, his arms crossed over his chest.
“Let me go.” I sniffed, tears already threatening to spill over. “Just let me go.”
“I’m not letting you go Frank.”
“Stop caring about me. Let me go. I’m going to hurt you like I hurt everyone. I’m going to kill myself Gerard so don’t get attached. It’ll only hurt you.” I muttered.
“I won’t let it happen Frank.” Gerard whispered in response.
“Yes you will. You want to know why?” I replied. “Because I am dirty and unclean and I’ll never be able to give you what you want. I’ll never be able to have sex Gerard. I’ll never be able to give you a loving relationship because I’m never going to be clean. I’m never going to be able to forget.”

“You don’t need to forget.” He whispered as he gingerly took a step towards my bed, his eyes wide when I didn’t tell him to stop. “You just need to put it behind you. You can’t let what happened rule your future Frank. They are choices you have to make and I’ll help you as much as I can, just never ever give up.”
“It’s too late Gerard.” I whispered as I pulled the pill packets and blades out of my drawer. “This is how I’m going to do it and you can’t stop me.”

Gerard’s jaw dropped as I began popping the pills from the packet and dropping them into my mouth, swallowing them dry. “I’m sorry.” I whispered as I held the blade to my inner forearm, calculating how deep I would have to cut to do some serious damage.

“Frankie, please?” Gerard pleaded, his voice stopping me just as I pressed the blade to my skin. “Please don’t. I can’t lose anyone else.”
“Why do you care?” I whimpered.

Silence reigned, tears streaming down Gerard’s face as he looked at me, his cheeks flushing, his pulse visible just under his jaw line.

“Do I have to tell you why I care?” He asked. “Can you not already tell?” I hesitated before shaking my head, gritting my teeth as it pounded.

Gerard took a step closer to me, his hands outstretched, his eyes asking for permission. I nodded slightly and he tugged the blade from my fingers, enveloping me in a hug and resting my head under his chin. “I care Frankie. I will always care. If you really want to know why, then I’ll tell you, just don’t ever threaten to do something like that again, okay?” I nodded gently. “I love you Frank.” Gerard whispered his breath brushing my ear.

“You can’t love me.” I muttered, tugging away from his embrace. “You can’t. You’re just like the rest. You only want me for one thing and you’re not getting it.” I staggered to my feet and fled from the room, my bare feet thudding gently against the carpet, my hands reaching out to steady me on the walls as I headed for Ray’s room, pushing the door open and sliding to a stop in front of his wardrobe.
“What do you want?” Ray asked.
“Vodka, whiskey, something strong.” I rambled as I pulled the door open.
“In the bottom right corner, 45% Russian Vodka, take the bottle.”

---

I dropped to the floor in my old room, the charred carpet the only thing between me and the stone cold floor. The lid from the bottle of vodka resisted for a short amount of time before I tugged it off, throwing it away it into the corner, the clatter of the metal against stone ringing in my ears long after I brought the bottle to my lips.

I swallowed huge mouthfuls at a time, wincing at the burn it left as it ran down my throat, the warm feeling spreading across my stomach, warming every inch of my body as I staggered to my feet, the half empty bottle swinging loosely from my fingertips.

“Frank?” A familiar voice called from the distance, my drunken mind unable to put a name to it. “Frank, I’m sorry.” The voice pleaded as it came closer, a black haired figure filling the doorway, his hand resting on the flame scarred wood. “Frank?” He asked when he saw me swaying, my eyes swimming in the vodka. “Frank, what’s wrong?”
“Gerard.” I slurred, pointing a finger at him. “You love me.”
“Yes Frankie, I do. Now, please put the bottle down.” He begged. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Too late.” I chuckled as I staggered closer, poking Gerard in the chest with my outstretched finger. “It’s far too late for that.”
“What do you mean?” Gerard asked, his hands either side of my shoulders, mere millimeters away from touching me.
“You love me. You can’t love me.” I hiccuped, swaying on the spot as I raised the bottle to my lips.
“Why not Frankie?” Gerard asked, my finger reaching out to rest on his lips.
“Shhhh.” I giggled as I grabbed his hand and dragged him over to the bed, tugging the duvet back to reveal a clean mattress, one I had dragged up here not long after the fire. “Sit.” I ordered, pouting when Gerard hesitated. “Sit.” I said more forcefully, giggling when he jumped to action. “Good boy.” I slurred as I gently placed the bottle on the floor, my hips swaying as I walked closer, Gerard’s eyes widening. “You want?” I asked as I seductively ran my fingers over my hips, dipping my thumbs below the hem of my pants.
“Yes.” Gerard breathed, his eyes wide, his mouth hanging open.
“Good.” I smiled.

Gerard tensed when I stood right in front of him, his breath hitching when I pushed gently on his shoulders. “Down.” I pouted, pointing to the pillows.
“Why Frankie?” Gerard asked, my lips against his silencing him. For a moment, he didn’t kiss back, but a quick nip on his bottom lips got him kissing me, moans escaping my lips as his hands caressed my skin, running below the hem of my shirt. I groaned audibly when he tugged on my lip ring, my hips grinding down against his.

“Frank stop.” Gerard ordered as he pushed me back, scrambling to sit up before I could kiss him again.
“Why?” I whimpered, dipping my whole hand into my pants and circling my growing erection. “You know you want it.”
“Yes, but you don’t Frank. You’re drunk. I can’t take advantage of you.” He muttered, trying to shuffle away when I crawled towards him, my hand on the front of his jeans stopping him in his tracks. “Frank. Stop.”
“But Gerard…” I pouted, sitting up suddenly.
“What’s wrong?” Gerard asked just as I hung my head over the side of the bed, vomit spewing forth from my lips. “Fuck.” He muttered as he gently rubbed my back, his hand on my shoulder supporting my weight as I heaved more, choking on my own puke. “Let’s get you to bed.” Gerard muttered as he picked me up, carrying me bridal style towards the other end of the house,

---

Sunlight streamed in through the window, my head pounding as I looked around the room. My eyes landed on Gerard, curled up on his bed, still fully dressed. Even though I was drunk, I still remembered what I did and my cheeks flushed red as I watched him, my eyes raking over every inch of his skin.

I climbed out of bed and held onto the end until I caught my balance, stumbling slightly as I closed the gap between mine and Gerard’s bed, landing with a slight thump just in front of him. I slowly slid up the bed, tucking myself under Gerard’s arm, my back against his chest, my head just under his chin.

“You’re awake.” He stated, his arms tugging me closer.
“It wasn’t the alcohol.” I whispered. “Well, it was, but it wasn’t.” I tried to explain, my voice shaking when I realised how badly I was fucking it up.
“What d’ya mean?” Gerard asked as he loosened his grip on my chest and let me go.
“Last night.” I muttered as I rolled over to look at him. “I wanted to kiss you anyway, but the alcohol took away my choice, and yours and I’m sorry.” I climbed to my feet and staggered back to my bed, angrily wiping the tears from my cheeks, but a hand on my wrist stopped me getting too far away.

“Frank.” Gerard whispered, his eyes on my as I spun around. “Don’t apologise.” He muttered.
“I… uh…” I stammered, unsure of what to say. When no words came, I shut my mouth and took a step closer, my heart hammering against my ribcage as I tilted my head, resting my left hand on Gerard’s cheek. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, grateful that Gerard stood still.

Once I had composed myself, I tiptoed slightly and pressed my lips against his, careful not to do anything rash, or harsh. The kiss lasted seconds before I pulled away, my cheeks on fire, tears streaking down them.

“Frankie, what’s wrong?” Gerard asked, worry etched on his face.
“I’m sorry I can’t love you like you want me to.” I whispered, my arms folded protectively over my chest.
“I don’t care.” Gerard muttered as he stepped closer, his eyes asking an unspoken question. I nodded and leant into his embrace, tensing when his lips touched my temple. “I won’t hurt you Frank. I promise you that right now.” He whispered, pulling back slightly so he could look at me, his forehead against mine.

I tilted my head again, pressing my lips to Gerard’s, my hands reaching up to cup his cheeks, Gerard’s tight on my waist as he pulled me against him. This time, the kiss lasted longer before I pulled away, tears streaking down my face, memories flashing in front of my eyes, my heart pounding in fear.

“Don’t come any closer.” I hissed as he took a step towards me. “Gerard, please, just…leave me alone.” I whimpered.
“What have I done Frank?” He asked, worried.
“I don’t want to remember.” I cried as I kept backing up, my knees meeting my mattress as I toppled over, landing with a thud on the floor the opposite side.

I curled into a ball, my head in my hands, my knees against my chest, heart breaking sobs echoing around the room.

Footsteps echoed through the room as people came running down the corridor, Danny being the first one to crash through the floor. “What’s wrong?” He asked Gerard just as Amy and Tay ran into the room. “What happened?”
“I...I don’t know.” Gerard muttered as Amy crouched down beside me.
“Frank, honey, look at me.” She soothed, reaching out to touch my shoulder.

“Get the fuck off me.” I hissed as I shied away, my back pressed against the cold wood of the dresser behind me.
“Frank, what’s wrong?” Amy pushed, looking at Tay for help.

More footsteps thudded down the hall, distracting everyone long enough for me to grab the knife from under my bed, the cold metal biting into the skin of my neck. Tay gasped as she saw me, drawing the attention of the growing crowd. “Frank, put the knife down.” Pleaded Tay, her voice shaking with fear.
“I can’t.” I whimpered. “It hurts too much Tay. I can’t remember all this, not now. Not when it’ll hurt someone else.”
“Who’ll it hurt Frank?” Tay quizzed, her eyes wide with caring.
“Gerard.” I muttered so only she could hear. “It’ll hurt Gerard.”

Gerard’s eyes widened and he threw himself across my bed, landing on the floor in front of me. “Frankie, please don’t. Please look at me.” He begged. “Whatever’s wrong, we can talk about it. Just… don’t do anything stupid Frankie. Give me the knife.” He pleaded, tears threatening to spill over. I dropped the knife to the floor and slid it to Tay before throwing myself at Gerard, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my face in his shoulder, my sobs echoing around the room. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.” He soothed, his hands resting gently on my back, his fingers brushing the bare skin where my t-shirt had ridden up. “I won’t let anything happen to you Frankie.”
“I’m sorry.” I sobbed, a collective gasp coming from the group in the doorway as I pressed my lips to Gerard’s. “I’m so so sorry.”

I buried my face in his neck again, shaking with the force of the sobs. Brian’s voice echoed as he cleared everyone out, ordering them to move or they would lose privileges. “Call me if you need me.” He muttered before he pulled the door closed, leaving me and Gerard alone.

---

Gerard helped me to my feet and led me down the stairs, Ben’s eyes following us as we took our normal seat in the dining room. “Fuck you.” He hissed, taking the seat next to me. “You won’t fuck me but you’ll kiss him by choice? What kind of fucked up person are you?” I tried to ignore him, my eyes on Gerard across the table, begging for help. “Huh? Are you not gonna answer me? Well that sucks, I’ll have to force an answer.” He sneered as he forced his lips onto mine.

This time I reacted.

I reached my hand up and wrapped it around Ben’s throat, squeezing until he let go, his eyes bulging. “No-one gets to touch me unless I want them to. No-one but Gerard gets to kiss me and no-one but Gerard gets to touch me like that.” I spat as I threw him to the floor before straddling him and raining punches down on his face.

Blood flew from my knuckles as I drew my fist back, preparing to drop it down again, a firm grip on my wrist preventing me from doing so. “Get off me.” I snapped as I turned around, throwing a punch before I realised who it was, Gerard’s eyes wide and he tried to stop the flow of blood.

“Gerard.” I whispered, my voice soft as I looked at him, my hands hanging limply by my sides as Cameron and Sam dragged Ben away, throwing in a few choice words about what happened. “Gerard, I’m so sorry.” I whispered, reaching my hand out to brush his cheek.
“I know Frank.” He muttered as he turned to leave the room, blood dripping onto the tiles behind him.

---

A primal scream left my lips as I threw yet another book at the wall, my body shaking with anger as I slid down the wall, tears staining the denim of my pants.

I could hear people talking outside the door, the voices changing every now and then as they tried to get me to unlock it, my safety their number one concern. “Frank.” Brian began.
“Fuck off!” I yelled and threw a book at the door to emphasise my point.
“You have a visitor.” He stated.
“Well they can fuck off as well.” I snapped, throwing another book at the door.

“Frank, can I come in?” Doctor Fields voice called from the other side of the wood, stopping my scream mid flow.
“No!” I yelled. “You can fuck off like the rest of them.”
“Frank, please. This is what I was trying to avoid. You’re regressing Frank. You’re undoing all that hard work you’ve put in.” He spoke evenly.
“I don’t care!” I shouted as I dropped to the floor and pulled Gerard’s hoodie over my shoulders. “Gerard hates me so I don’t care!”
“Why don’t you care? What makes this Gerard so special?” Doctor Fields asked me, causing my brain to start working overtime for an answer

“You like him don’t you Frank? You think you need his approval to be okay don’t you?” Doctor FIelds asked.
“No.” I replied too quickly for it to sound genuine.
“Tell me the truth Frank. I can’t help you if you don’t.”
“I think…” I paused, not sure if I should say it or not.
“You think what Frank?”
“I think….” I mumbled the rest too low for Doctor Fields to hear, to low for me to hear over my pounding heart.
“Do you want me to bring Gerard here? Do you think you would be able to tell him?”
“No!” I shouted, curling into a ball, my head in my lap, my eyelids heavy.

“Can you at least unlock the door?” Doctor Fields asked. “That way we know you are okay.” I hesitated before climbing to my feet and twisting the lock.
“Keep it closed.” I ordered as I walked back to my spot between the beds.
“Okay Frank, just promise me something.”
“What?” I asked hesitantly.
“Promise me you won’t hurt yourself.”
“I promise.” I whispered as I lowered my head into my lap again, my eyes drooping from the stress and the tears that I had shed.

Notes

So I am back from Spain my lovelies.

I hope you enjoy this chapter because I tried quite hard on it to make up for the extra long wait<3

~Toxic Rebel