“Frank?” Gerard asked as he pushed the door open.
“Go away.” I muttered, hugging my pillow closer to my chest.
“Frank, tell me what’s wrong.” Gerard pushed as he sat on his bed, his eyes on me.
“I said go away. I don’t want to tell you what’s wrong.” I snapped and rolled over so I couldn’t see him.
“I’m not going away until you tell me what’s wrong.” He snickered.
“Why the hell not? It’s not as if you can help now is it?”
“You never know.”
“Oh fuck off.” I snapped as I climbed to my feet and tugged a hoodie over my shoulders.
“Where are you going?” Gerard asked.
“Away from here so piss off and leave me alone.”

My feet led me down the stairs and through the recreation room, ignoring anyone that tried to talk to me. I kept walking towards the west wing, knowing that no other kids would be willing to go in there, their fear that the floor would collapse stopping them from following me. “Frank!”
“Fuck off Ray!” I yelled as I pushed through the door and let it swing closed behind me.

The floor was covered with puddles, the ceiling collapsing in random places. Wind howled through the open windows, the catches broken from when the fire tore through it. The rooms still held the charred possessions of the people who slept in these rooms. Old toys and piles of clothes releasing the stale smell of smoke.

Ever since the fire, no-one has made any attempt to come and rescue the belongings, leaving me a place to hide if I needed it. So I came here, exploring each of the rooms to see if I could pin who lived where. It actually wasn’t as hard as it seemed. My old room, the one I lived in for the space of a week, was on the top floor, right in the left corner of the building. From there, it only took closing my eyes to remember where each person slept.

I padded through the corridor, dodging the puddles so my converse wouldn’t get soaked. Shadows from the trees outside flitted over the walls as the sun moved across the sky. I could see Bob and Matt playing soccer on the field, their eyes roaming towards the windows as I moved, my footsteps echoing off the stone walls.

“Frank?” Echoed Brian’s voice. “Frank where are you?”
“Go away!” I yelled as I slid behind a pillar and pushed open the door behind it. The stairs creaked under my weight as I climbed up towards the attic.
“Frank, it’s not safe.” Brian shouted.
“Like you’ve cared before now!” I yelled. “It’s never bothered you.”
“Frank, please, just come and talk to me. I want to help.”
“Go and help all those other kids that actually want to find a way out of here, not me because I don’t.” I said, knowing that my voice would carry down the stairs to Brian.
“I’m coming up Frank, just… please don’t move any further.” Brian pleaded as his shadow climbed up the walls.
“I’m never going to talk to you. You can’t help.” I said, backing away from the top of the stairs.
“I can help Frank, you just need to let me.”
“You can’t help when I want to die. I escaped him and now he’s back again. Imagine living with that? I have to see him when I go to school, I have to sit in the same room as him for an hour every day. I can’t escape what he did to me if I’m alive. I have to end it Brian. I have to end it today.”

“Frank, please don’t.” He begged, the stairs creaking. “I can help you. You can’t give in.”
“I’m not giving in, not now. I gave in a long time ago. I’m just letting him win. He has to win.” I sobbed as my back hit the wall behind me.
“Please Frank, come back down here.” Brian pleaded, another voice joining him on the stairs.

“Frank, please, I can’t lose you.” Gerard called, his voice shaking.
“I don’t care Gerard. Everyone is better off without me.”
“No Frank, they’re not. You are the first person I spoke to since they died. Do you really think I would be better off without you?”
“Yes.” I replied simply as I turned from the staircase and ducked underneath one of the beams.
“Frank, that’s a lie. Just… let me come and talk to you. I can help you.” Gerard pushed, hissing at Brian as he attempted to come towards me. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“Liar!” I yelled, ducking into my hidey hole and closing the door, plunging myself into darkness.

“I’m not lying.” Gerard whispered, his voice on the other side of the door. “I promise Frank. I lost people I care about to something violent, I won’t let the same thing happen to you.”
“Prove it.” I whimpered, flinching as something brushed the back of my neck.
“Come out of there and I will.” Gerard mumbled, the floor creaking as he changed positions.

I hesitated before pushing the door open, glaring at Gerard before pushing past him and towards the back stairs, avoiding Brian like he had the plague. Gerard followed me, keeping his distance, but just close enough that he wouldn’t lose sight of me.”Where are we going?” He asked.
“Wherever the fuck Brian can’t find me.” I snapped as I turned left and led him down a whole new corridor.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
“Are you going to fuck off and leave me alone?” I snapped as I pushed a door open, coughing as the dust flew up my nose.
“Not until you tell me what’s wrong.” Gerard replied.
“Well, I’ll just get you lost then.” I sneered as I picked up my pace, running down corridors and through doors at a pace which meant Gerard wouldn’t be able to keep up.

When I was sure I had lost him, I dropped to the floor, tears streaking through the dust coating my cheeks, my chest heaving as I fought to be quiet. I shoved my fist into my mouth, biting down as sobs wracked my body, my breathing coming in gasps. I’m sorry I thought I’m sorry that you didn’t kill me. I pulled my knees up to my chest, my back against the wall behind me, my head pounding as I listened to each of the creaks and groans of the building.

Footsteps echoed around the room, my eyes darting up and searching for the culprit. “Go away!” I shouted. “Leave me alone!”
“Frank, come with me.” Whispered Gerard, reaching his hand out towards me, tugging it away when I glared at it. “Come on, we need to get you out of here.”
“I’m not going anywhere!” I yelled, my voice echoing off the walls surrounding us.
“Frank…”
“Leave me the fuck alone or I will break your fucking neck Gerard. There is no way you can help me so just accept that.”
“I can help.” He pushed. “I can make you forget it all. Trust me.”
“I don’t want to fucking forget! It shows me how dirty and unclean and easy I am.”
“Frank, you couldn’t have changed what happened. You were seven. It wasn’t your fault. It was your dad’s.”
“It’s not going to change the fact he raped me! It’s not going to change the fact that I don’t want to be here. I want to die Gerard, why can’t anyone accept that?” I yelled, flinching away from his outstretched hand.
“Come here.” Gerard ordered, his arms hung limply by his side. I complied, climbing to my feet and walking towards him.

“You see this?” He asked as he gestured at his face. “This is the face of someone who cares Frank. This is the face of someone who wants to see you get better. Understand that, and I can help. But you keep pushing me away and it’s never going to work.”
“Why do you care? You’ve known me for less than a week.” I sniffled.
“I care because you are human. I care because you need support. I care because I know what it feels like, thinking you are worthless, or to blame for what happened. I care because I know that you’re scared. You’re scared what he’ll do if he ever get’s his hands on you. You’re scared that he’ll hurt you again, that he’ll hurt everyone you care about so you don’t let anyone get close. That’s why I care Frank.” Gerard explained, reaching out to steady me as I swayed, his hands inches away from my skin. “Can I?” He asked, motioning towards my arms. I hesitated before nodding slowly.

Gerard stepped forwards and wrapped his arms around me, his chin resting on top of my head, his thumbs drawing small circles on my back. “I care because I’m human Frank.” He whispered as I lifted my arms, gingerly wrapping them around his waist.

---

Bob and Ray stood at the other end of the recreation room, their eyes on me as I tuned my guitar. It wasn’t often that I practiced in here, but when I did, everyone liked to watch. I wasn’t practicing though. I was tuning her up before putting her away. “What’re you playing Frank?” Called Pete as he climbed to his feet, his hand brushing Patrick’s shoulder.
“Nothing dude, I’m tuning her up, I got a lesson later.”
“Play something.” He begged, stepping back when Gerard walked into the room.
“Nahh, later though.” I promised as I climbed to my feet, my guitar clutched in my fingers as I left the room, Ben following me.

“Why did Pete step back when Gerard walked in?” I asked as we walked to my room.
“Uh… that’s a hell of a funny story actually.” Ben chuckled, holding the stairwell door open for me.
“Well, if it’s so funny, then you wouldn’t mind telling me.” I snapped back as I started up the staircase.
“Oh, sure… You see, Gerard practically ran after you when you went into the west wing because he was scared you would hurt yourself. He looks at you with doe eyes, he follows you everywhere and refused to move when Brian offered him a different room.”
“What are you getting at?” I asked as I dropped onto my bed, my legs crossed underneath me.
“Well, he likes you.”
“I know.” I replied, confused.
“No, he like likes you.”
“Oh… Ohhh.” I said as I realised what he meant.
“Yeah.” Ben whispered his eyes drifting lower and lower.
“What’re you thinking?” I asked.

“You’ve never….?” He asked.
“Never what?”
“Had…. uh….” Ben faltered, his cheeks red.
“Sex? No, not consensual.” I replied, unsure where this conversation was going.
“I can change that.” He muttered as he closed the gap between us, his hand resting on my crotch as he forced his lips onto mine.

I tensed, my heart thudding against my chest. I pushed at his chest, hard, trying to push him away but failing. When he moved back to catch his breath, I screamed, his fist connecting with the side of my face to silence me. “Shut up.” He hissed as he slid his hands inside my pants, palming me through my boxers.

The door slammed open, Brian, Danny and Gerard filling the space. “Get off him!” Roared Danny, flying forwards and tackling Ben to the floor.
“Are you okay?” Gerard asked as he stepped towards my bed, his arms raised in surrender, his face filled with concern. I shook my head, tears streaming down my face.
“Danny, get Ben out of here, Gerard, go and get me an ice pack.” They both nodded before running off to complete their tasks

“Frank, it’s okay, you can relax now.” Brian soothed, his arms by his side as he looked at me.
“He fucking… it nearly happened again… oh god Brian… Fuck… No… shit, please god.” I ranted, my words blurring into one as I tried to complete a sentence.
“He didn’t. It’s okay Frank.”
“He touched me. He fucking touched me.” I whimpered, crossing my arms over my chest protectively.
“Frank, calm down.” Brian whispered, his voice low.
“I’m going to fucking kill him!” I yelled as I lunged forwards off the bed and headed towards the door, stopping when Gerard’s form filled it. “Move.” I ordered.
“You’re bleeding.” Gerard pointed out, motioning towards the corner of my mouth.
“I fucking know.” I sneered as I pushed through the empty door and headed towards the stairs.

Gerard grabbed my wrist as I got to the top of the stairs, tugging me into his chest as the tears spilled over. “Get the fuck off of me!” I yelled as I shoved his chest. “Don’t fucking touch me!”
“Frank, you can’t hurt him. Brian is dealing with it. Let me get you cleaned up.” Gerard pleaded, his hand over his chest.
“I’m going to kill him.” I snapped as I stormed towards my bedroom, throwing myself onto my bed and curling into a ball. “I’m going to make him fucking pay. He’s going to regret touching me.”
“Calm down Frank.” Gerard muttered as he handed me some paper towel and a mirror so I could clean up the blood, my cheek already beginning to bruise.

---

Gerard closed the curtains, his eyes on me as he turned off the light and sat on his bed. “I’m not sleeping until you do.” He whispered as he got comfy with a copy of The Shining and a torch.
“You should.” I yawned. “I’m not going anywhere.” I lied, my arms tucked against my chest, my jaw aching.
“Just sleep Frank.”
“Do you like me?” I asked.
“Yeah.” Gerard stated.
“As more than a friend?”
“Yeah.”
“Then cuddle me.” I whispered. I wasn’t sure he had heard, but then the flutter of pages said he was closing his book, the edge of my bed sinking as he sat down.
“Are you sure?” Gerard asked.
“Yeah.” I muttered as I made space for him, his eyes glinting in the darkness.

Gerard lay down and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, his chest flush against my back, his breath tickling the back of my neck. “Is this alright?” He asked.
“Yeah.” I muttered as I closed my eyes.

Notes

So this is the last update for a while because I leave for Spain on Friday....

~Toxic Rebel